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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I'm chatting online to an illegal immigrant

143 replies

sparklesnpearls · 06/01/2016 21:36

He's from Iran and on his pictures looks lovely and friendly.

His English is pretty good but he asking me to help him learn English as he doesn't want to return to his home country as he has changed his religion which is very serious there. He gave himself up to police and is now awaiting an interview with home office.

I just feel sorry for him but I'm worried about the implications of a potential relationship with him.

Any advice ?

OP posts:
Original poster
sparklesnpearls · 07/01/2016 14:14

I will never give him money! Would just block him if he asked for it.

OP posts:
AnneElliott · 07/01/2016 14:17

I would be really careful OP. I used to work in immigration and the number of naive people that got scammed was pretty astonishing. Paying money for bail, giving money full stop, marrying them etc only to find out they had been lied to.

When you say he gave himself up, what do you mean? Was he living here illegally first? You need to ask yourself why he didn't claim asylum at the point of entry. People who get in then claim asylum later ( usually when caught driving without a licence) will often have something to hide.

Epilepsyhelp · 07/01/2016 14:21

Calling OP 'the mark' is a bit unnecessary!

OP I think everyone on here just wants you to be wary because experience has shown that this does happen. Doesn't mean it's happening to you and as long as you're not giving out your location and never give him money then of course it's fine to chat - the point many are worried about I think is that whatever your intention now, it's actually very easy for intelligent people to believe what they are told and be drawn in by falsehoods. Just keep your guard up.

EssentialHummus · 07/01/2016 14:32

Just be careful OP, and talk to people outside the situation (here/RL) to keep perspective. And, as you've said yourself, if he asks for money or your details, please block and report.

I'd also (as PP suggested) check whether his photos are actually his using a reverse image search. Tin Eye is a good one: www.tineye.com/

Original poster
sparklesnpearls · 07/01/2016 14:35

AnneElliott he gave himself up straightaway and was taken to a hostel. He says he now has an address of his own and an ID card

Thanks epilepsy smile]

OP posts:
Lweji · 07/01/2016 14:35

I'm worried about the implications of a potential relationship with him.

Clearly your first intentions were not simply to chat to him online and help him with his English.

I hope you have grown more weary.

ItsANewDayToday · 07/01/2016 14:37

Is this for real?
People don't think he's might be a scammer because he is from another country, people think he might be a scammer because he sounds like he might be a scammer. He might be from the UK.

So you are 44 and he is 36... Yep, that's textbook Wink

You've already mentioned you can't have kids or will marry. WHAT! what a weird thing to mention in a week of talking to him.

It's nice you have compassion but you really need some common sence too.

Have you talked to him via a video link yet?

Is he very complimentary towards you?

Original poster
sparklesnpearls · 07/01/2016 14:49

Not any more complimentary than anyone else I don't think.

I didn't tell him I was infertile. I just told him I had no plans for any more children as I have 3 and he has none. Was part of conversation really.

Yes Lweji I am more weary as I've read every single post on here

OP posts:
FluffyPersian · 07/01/2016 15:19

My friend was on a dating site and had been chatting to this bloke who was ‘lovely’ and ‘sensitive’. When I read the emails they seemed very ‘copy and paste’ and just didn’t sit right. However my friend was adamant, he was lovely, he was only chatting to her, he really liked her.. etc etc etc.

I set up a fake profile, got attractive photo of a woman from the internet (cropped it in such a way it didn’t show up in Google image search) basic profile but mentioning I drove Jag, went on a few holidays but also did it in such a way that made me sound like a total bitch. Also set the location to the same as my friends…

Within literally 10 minutes, I’d had an email from the same guy, saying how ‘sexy’ I was… and I replied… and he suggested meeting….I set the time and date to the same time and date my friend had confirmed with this guy and he agreed, then texted my friend saying he was ‘so sorry’, but had forgotten he was working that evening and could they please reschedule?

My friend was quite upset, but I do think she dodged a bullet.

As I was working away from home, I had loads of time in the evenings to do things like this, however normal people may feel better just ignoring Wink

BertieBotts · 07/01/2016 17:28

Of course you think right now that if he asked for money you would block him.

But what if a friend asked you for money? What if they really really needed it and they promised they could pay it back and you're the only person who could lend it, and it's not THAT much in the scheme of things? Would you block a friend? Of course not.

He's done a great job already on the "Nobody trusts me because I'm foreign - only you!"

As others have said, this isn't the problem. The problem is that this is a really common scam that he "just happens to" resemble, plus the fact that you've never seen him in person and he has such a handy excuse for why he can't meet you in person. It's dodgy. Don't you see? You said you have three children, if your teenage daughter met what she thought was a nice boy online, started obviously developing feelings for him, despite the fact he kept wriggling out of opportunities to meet up safely, you wouldn't be concerned?

Direct him to a website called Duolingo. He can learn English there for free and it's a remarkably good teacher. I'm a professional English teacher and I'm recommending it to you. He can also access English lessons at his local college. If his English is as good as you say, though, he doesn't need them to get a job.

His story doesn't really stack up, either. Illegal immigrants don't get housed in hostels, they get housed in detention centres.

scarlets · 07/01/2016 18:11

He's done the right thing in terms of contacting the authorities and claiming asylum. By all means, be a supportive and interested online friend but leave it at that. He's got a lot on his plate, I doubt he's in the right frame of mind for a relationship, and you're open to being hurt because sometimes desperate people in awful situations do questionable things. His priority is obtaining UK residence, not making you happy. And who could blame him, in fairness.

I hope his application succeeds.

pocketsaviour · 07/01/2016 18:33

he gave himself up straightaway and was taken to a hostel

Then why did you say he was an illegal immigrant? (If genuine) he's an asylum seeker. Seeking asylum is not illegal.

muggedOnEbay · 07/01/2016 18:34

So he has joined a dating site to learn English and make casual friends? Before you know it, you will be smitten with him. Please walk away from this. His circumstances are not yours to fix. There are charities available for this.

AyeAmarok · 07/01/2016 18:53

Oh for goodness sake, this has got to be a joke Confused

Some women really are a danger to themselves.

ImperialBlether · 07/01/2016 20:56

How's he paying for his subscription of OK Cupid? He'd have to pay with a card, wouldn't he? How would that work if he's not working and from another country? Does he see it as an investment? Because really, if he wanted someone to chat to, he could go onto any number of sites like this and talk for 24 hours a day.

Original poster
sparklesnpearls · 07/01/2016 22:11

Ok Cupid is a free dating site Imperial
**
Well it seems you were all right. When I started questioning him he got all defensive and now he's not bothered about speaking to me now...Hmm

Thanks mumsnet for the useful advice, I'll try not to be so gullible in future Smile

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 07/01/2016 22:22

Thank Fuck for that

The Internet (MN) came through after all

Lweji · 07/01/2016 22:29

You've been vipered.

And dodged a bullet in all likelihood.

Branleuse · 07/01/2016 22:36

i think as long as you keep your wits about you, then i dont see the harm in chatting.

PreemptiveSalvageEngineer · 07/01/2016 22:50

I'm constantly linking Chumplady, and today is no exception, an excellently timed article.

OP, glad you've dodged a bullet there, but this is good advice in general. [http://www.chumplady.com/2016/01/dont-date-this-person/ don't date this person]]

ItsANewDayToday · 07/01/2016 22:55

Phew! So pleased to hear that you have seen through him.

PreemptiveSalvageEngineer · 07/01/2016 23:05

Link fail! don't date this person

flatbellyfella · 07/01/2016 23:47

Everyone's a Star job well done.

PiglettWithAttitude · 08/01/2016 01:39

Run now, before you get sucked in. If you want to help immigrants, there are charities out there. He probably has loads of you on the go.

scarednoob · 08/01/2016 06:37

Well done you. You sound lovely and these scammers (email ones too, not just OLD) drive me mad.

Anyway, there will be lots of genuine people out there who'd love to be chatting with you. Don't let it put you off. Let it help you realise what you're looking for!

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