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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

I'm chatting online to an illegal immigrant

143 replies

sparklesnpearls · 06/01/2016 21:36

He's from Iran and on his pictures looks lovely and friendly.

His English is pretty good but he asking me to help him learn English as he doesn't want to return to his home country as he has changed his religion which is very serious there. He gave himself up to police and is now awaiting an interview with home office.

I just feel sorry for him but I'm worried about the implications of a potential relationship with him.

Any advice ?

OP posts:
iminshock · 07/01/2016 01:46

Have you lost the plot?
Please step away from this man for good

dangerrabbit · 07/01/2016 01:48

Scam. Avoid.

BastardGoDarkly · 07/01/2016 01:53

Why would he suddenly hand himself in? Then OLD while he awaits deportation?!

Op, this is batshit, find someone else to be friends with, this way utter madness lies.

JohnThomas69 · 07/01/2016 03:26

This scam created quite a stir in the news a couple of years ago and the big dating sites got lambasted for apparently being made aware of the vast amount of profiles the scammers had created but had refused to delete them. I'm sure it was on watchdog too.

Aussiemum78 · 07/01/2016 03:32

He's probably sitting in a house in Nigeria. Why would you believe any of that story?

Play along if you want, wait until he asks for money for a visa or legal fees...

angelos02 · 07/01/2016 03:32

This must be a joke thread? No one is that naive anymore?

fidel1ne · 07/01/2016 07:37

Only here two months, claimed asylum and started dating.

But.. would you rather people hung around in the country illegally for ages NOT following correct Asylum procedure (millions do, of course)?

As for dating, dating when you're lonely in a new country is understandable.

He's not necessarily passport hunting, although it's possible.

OP's best course is to take things very slowly, I'd have thought.

pocketsaviour · 07/01/2016 08:34

OP, please have a read through this forum regarding dating scams:
419 Eater Dating Scams

(This is relevant to everyone really, not just people potentially dating asylum seekers/immigrants/military men stuck in another country with a sudden need to transfer millions back home)

OP do you have a bit of a history of wanting to fix people? Taking on partners and friends thinking you can save them (from their circumstances or themselves)?

alteredimages · 07/01/2016 08:51

My DH is from a ME country. We have been married six years and have two DCs. Our relationship is pretty good, and has certainly become stronger with time, but if I am really honest with myself I am not sure I would have married him given my time again.

This is no reflection on him. We met in his home country and I knew pretty much what I was getting myself into. His parents are also great and leave me as much latitude as they can, within the whole when you marry my son you marry my family cultural trope.

We have spent a lot of time in France as well as the UK as DH has a good job and has completed further study in France. He did this off his own back and has always supported me, not the other way around.

The trouble is, and DH has always stayed legally in France and the UK, is that if anything does go wrong in the relationship and you have kids you both find yourselves in a tricky position. I am pretty sure that Iran is not party to the Hague agreement, and neither is DH's home country. This means that in the event of a split, one side of the family and probably one parent will never see the kids again as the risk of kidnap in allowing the children to travel is too great. That is a horrible thing, especially for grandparents who were probably not party to the marital dispute.

Even if you stay together, there will almost certainly be one side of the family you see very infrequently.

Sorry for the massive ramble, but what I am getting at is that even if he is 100% genuine and self sufficient and perfect, marrying someone from outside the EU and from a very different cultural background has wide ranging consequences that you should be aware of before you become involved.

alteredimages · 07/01/2016 08:55

And FWIW I agree with all the PP that there is something not right here.

What has he changed his religion to? I can't think of a single religion which doesn't offer a good support network to its believers through places of worship.

Russellgroupserf · 07/01/2016 09:05

I have a relative who worked in a victim support unit. She was obviously never allowed to talk about individuals as instant dismissal but she did say she had many women on her books who had been taken in by stuff like this. Some had lost thousands of pounds. She said they were intelligent women but desperately lonely and that's why they were taken in. I think you need to look to yourself and your own reasons for being sucked in.

Reading your post reminded of that Catherine Tate sketch about Elaine Figgis the scammed on line dater, it's on YouTube and is incredibly dark humour.

pallasathena · 07/01/2016 09:25

Ask him about how women are treated in his country. Ask him what rights they have under sharia law. They don't 'change' their religion. You are being incredibly, dangerously naive.

BertieBotts · 07/01/2016 09:40

Massively common scam. I'm sorry. Please exercise some common sense here and skip the pity. Even if he is genuine it's not worth the risk. Your instincts and common sense can be skewed when you artificially trust someone.

alteredimages · 07/01/2016 09:45

pallasathena the punishment for apostasy under sharia law is the same for men and women. I acknowledge that sharia law is unfair for women in many regards, but it doesn't differentiate in this case.

The guy, if genuine, clearly has no intention of returning to Iran anyway and has probably rejected Islam (assuming he was born Muslim. He may have been Christian, Jewish, Zoroastrian) so not sure how Iranian law is relevant. It would be pretty hard for him to impose hardline Iranian values all by himself while in the UK and Iranians, IME, are not at all conservative and are very open minded and cultured. Just look at the Tehran music scene.

Lweji · 07/01/2016 10:21

I've met all types of Muslims, from Iran and other countries.

What concerns me here is that you don't know him, and you sound somewhat naive. By all means keep talking to him, but definitely keep your wits about him.

Scarletforya · 07/01/2016 10:30

Surely everyone deserves a chance

It's kind of frightening that you think that OP. There's red flags all over this, you need to tune up your bullshit detector.

bibliomania · 07/01/2016 10:47

Hi OP, I worked for many years with refugees and asylum-seekers and have friends who've had various migration statuses.

I'm not going to make any judgements about this person. What I would say to you is to carefully consider your own motivations. I'm a "rescuer" who wants to help people and I've ended up in bad relationships on the basis of this. If you enter a relationship with the intention to save/rescue/help the other person, it will go wrong. It took me a long, long time to work this out.

sparklesnpearls · 07/01/2016 11:59

Answering some questions:

He is 36 I am 44
He has converted to Christianity from Muslim
I am separated so cannot and will not marry him
I am unable to have children and have told him all of the above

OP posts:
Lweji · 07/01/2016 12:01

Are you seriously consider pursuing a relationship with him?

Lweji · 07/01/2016 12:01

considering, even.

Scarletforya · 07/01/2016 12:11

Yea, OP it's probably a catfish.

cosytoaster · 07/01/2016 12:15

Agree with everyone else OP. Even if he is genuine, which is very, very, very unlikely it would be far from ideal. I would second joining Meetup as a way of widening your social circle in real life.

BlueMoonRising · 07/01/2016 12:19

He doesn't want to marry you. He doesn't even want to meet you. He wants your money, and looks nothing like the photo.

scarednoob · 07/01/2016 12:40

Sadly I agree with everyone else. One of the next emails will be after cash to help him get legal advice/accommodation/food.

Please block and find someone else to befriend. There are literally millions of people who would love it.

Cinnamon2013 · 07/01/2016 12:47

He's told you he's here illegally. Why would he say that if he was trying to con you? No reason he needed to disclose it, from what he's said.

I've worked with loads of illegal immigrants teaching them English. A lot of really nice good people among them. A few creeps, admittedly, but that's the case in all of life.

Use your judgement, tread carefully, trust your instincts.

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