Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I'm chatting online to an illegal immigrant

143 replies

sparklesnpearls · 06/01/2016 21:36

He's from Iran and on his pictures looks lovely and friendly.

His English is pretty good but he asking me to help him learn English as he doesn't want to return to his home country as he has changed his religion which is very serious there. He gave himself up to police and is now awaiting an interview with home office.

I just feel sorry for him but I'm worried about the implications of a potential relationship with him.

Any advice ?

OP posts:
Original poster
sparklesnpearls · 06/01/2016 23:18

I don't intend to marry him I just want to give him friendship.

Maybe I am lonely Hmm

OP posts:
hefzi · 06/01/2016 23:20

Isn't OK Cupid a dating site, though?

Seriously - why not take a look at Meetup or similar sites, and get out and make friends with people in real life, especially if you're a bit lonely?

lorelei9 · 06/01/2016 23:24

Hrfzi, I wouldn't assume any of those things I'm afraid. It's pretty irrelevant really, I'm more concerned why OP wants to get involved.

oP if you want to help there are lots of refugee charities etc you could help with. Please be careful. The awful things that happen to the lonely and vulnerable are many and varied.

hefzi · 06/01/2016 23:33

I don't know - I think it's relevant if he's saying he has no-one else (he's been here two months - so what about the church where he converted? Or if he converted in one of the Iranian house churches, why has he not contacted the church that they will have signposted him to? Because they do do this) and telling her about his asylum process - because it would seem to indicate that things aren't quite exactly what he's telling her.

If someone was misleading me about one thing, I would wonder how honest he was being about everything else. The OP was how she's worried about the implications of a potential relationship: surely whether someone is being truthful is a massive implication to consider?

(Disclaimer: I realise not everyone has knowledge about the Persecuted Church - but the points I have raised are valid in this context, precisely because not everyone knows about this. Not every convert to Christianity is going to be genuine, and it's becoming quite a phenomenon amongst Iranians, mainly in Germany so far - I was trying gently to get the OP to question his story for herself, but perhaps I was too subtle. It's not that people should stay away from illegal immigrants, far from it - but when the story they produce has so many holes from the outset, it does make you wonder what else is true or not)

FrostyNipples · 06/01/2016 23:38

He's hit the road running eh?

Only here two months, claimed asylum and started dating.

Original poster
sparklesnpearls · 06/01/2016 23:38

Hefzi I agree with you and it's true I don't know if he's lying but what if he isn't and I've shunned him just because of where he comes from. There are bad people in this country too. Surely everyone deserves a chance.

I'm going to question him more I chat to him...have no plans to meet him and he hasn't asked me as yet

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 06/01/2016 23:41

What religion did he change to, OP?

Lweji · 06/01/2016 23:42

Never come across this before but I do feel for these people n would like to be his friend

"these people"?

I am sorry, but that alone sounds patronising. Which may actually be a danger to you.

Just be careful. Don't give more than you are prepared to lose (money or emotionally wise). You do not know him at all and you sound like you could easily underestimate him.

hefzi · 06/01/2016 23:45

It's fine to talk with him -but just be wary: if his conversion isn't a real one (and having no-one else is a big red flag, I am afraid - or he's not being truthful about having no-one else) then it's clear he'll do what it takes to stay, even if it's not strictly legitimate - and that might include finding a wife in the UK...

I know a large number of Iranians, here and in Iran, and have never met one I didn't take to - I have a really good friend who was finally granted leave to remain a few years ago: he was a surgeon in Iran, who was outed as being gay, and managed to escape - now he's a school caretaker in Newcastle, but is just so happy he can finally work and pay taxes (idiot Grin). His family are still in Qom (probably worst place ever to be gay) but they are just really relieved that he's safe, even though they will probably never be able to meet face-to-face again.

What I am saying is chances are that you'll make a pleasant and interesting friend Smile But do be wary of meeting and any romantic relationship, bearing in mind that it seems clear he's being at least a little untruthful, whether its over his conversion or whether its about how isolated (or not) he is. Especially if you're a bit vulnerable yourself, it's easy to be taken advantage of, especially when you're a decent, nice person who wouldn't do that to anyone else: just remember to protect yourself Flowers

peppielillyan · 06/01/2016 23:46

Once you give up yourself, you are taken to a detention centre.

I had some experiences like the OP....

BlueSmarties76 · 06/01/2016 23:51

How can this turn out well OP? Can't you just date someone with a comfortable job and no immigration issues? You're not making life easy for yourself by dating someone presumably living in a detention centre and who might get deported!

Also, I agree (if he is for real) that being in such a desperate situation he may try desperate things. Like trying to convince a UK national to marry him!

Crazy suggestion but can you try telling him you're actually (for example) an Americal citizen and are married but separated....If he still talks to you after that he is prob genuine, but if he buggers off then I think you have your answer!??

Headmelt · 06/01/2016 23:51

By all means be his friend but do not send him any money

WorraLiberty · 06/01/2016 23:52

The thing is, some asylum seekers really do believe they only have to get a British woman pregnant to strengthen their case.

Thinking about it. If he's changed religion, had his life threatened, fled to the UK, handed himself in, settled in to wherever he's staying and all the other things that goes with fleeing one country and arriving illegally in another, I'm surprised he's had time to catch his breath...let alone consider online dating.

Hardly the best time for him to start a relationship is it?

Borninthe60s · 06/01/2016 23:55

Keep well away.

novus · 06/01/2016 23:55

Can you ask him why he didn't seek refuge in the first safe country he got to?

peppielillyan · 06/01/2016 23:55

If the religious change can be proven legally, he will be granted asylum

BlueMoonRising · 06/01/2016 23:58

Chances are he is a scammer.

He's looking to get your sympathy. Then he'll come up with a story about how he needs £x in order to do y.

And there on it goes.

Feel free to continue chatting to him though - while you do, he is leaving some other potential sucker alone.

MistressDeeCee · 07/01/2016 00:09

I wouldn't take this further if I were you OP, although at least he has been honest with you about his situation. More than some men do, even some born here. I saw some suggest he may want to marry you to stay in the UK - well obviously he can't marry you here, can he. Its not allowed. So I don't think its that. Could be a money scam though.

& I doubt you'd be into travelling to his country to marry him, returning here, then applying for him to join you. Its not guaranteed he will be sent back to his country anyway..its not compulsory just because he is here illegally, based on his individual circumstances- and the religion thing is definetely a matter that could be taken seriously - then he could be granted temp leave to remain initially, and it could go on from there ie grant of asylum.

I still wouldn't though. But its up to you, just be careful and don't give out any personal information

TheTigerIsOut · 07/01/2016 00:13

OLD chatrooms are full of these scammers, I once had some banker who wanted to come all the way from Switzerland to meet me if I coukd send him a bit of money for the ticket (just to show him I was not taking advantage of him). Admittedly, he looked like Capt Von Trapp but someway I assumed not even the photo was real.

Even if the guy is authentic, here's a good rule: Never sleep with someone who has more problems than you. Putting things in black and white, the guy is detained abroad and doesn't even speak your language, the cultural differences are huge and there is no posibility to meet him unless yo do all the walking. Are you sure that is the problem that you want?

ItsANewDayToday · 07/01/2016 00:16

Please, please be careful. This sounds so typical of the start of a dating scam. You are being very gullible if you think the fact he declared himself to be an illegal immigrant is a sign of his honesty where it could just as easily be a sign that he is good at deceiving people.

If he was after friend you would think he would have contacted other people in his area or from his church. You would think that a 'lovely and friendly' man with good English would be able to make some friends in real life wouldn't you?

I'm curious how old you are compared with him?

Do you know how to do a reverse image search on Google? You can see if he has lifted a photo off the Internet to use as 'his' profile picture. If his picture doesn't come up then not take that as proof he is genuine.

Have you live videocam'd each other? If so I guess you know he looks like he says he does. (Scammers often have problems with their webcams Wink )

Do you really think someone who thinks they might be deported is also going to be in the frame of mind to try online dating? It sounds more than a bit suspicious.

Have a read up on online dating scams. The scammers are very clever and extremely plausible. If they weren't there wouldn't be thousands of victims (both male and female)

Be very very suspicious if he asks you for money however desperate and urgent his request is.

I'd run a mile personally.

ItsANewDayToday · 07/01/2016 00:22

How long have you been chatting with him?

iwantanewcar · 07/01/2016 00:51

Sorry, I am with Novus.

Rezolution123 · 07/01/2016 00:59

sparklesnpearls
Two bits of advice from a wise old bird
1 break off contact with this guy
2 look for a better potential partner in real life.
Best wishes

choceclair123 · 07/01/2016 01:01

Anyone can post a nice photo and profile on the Internet! Don't get sucked into this crap. Plenty of well meaning kind people get totally ripped off and their lives destroyed through believing a load of crap on the Internet.

Stop feeling sorry for him, he's a grown man and not your problem. Walk, no RUN away whilst you still have a roof over your head and some cash in your purse Thanks

Monty27 · 07/01/2016 01:22

OP, you are not shunning him because of who he is or what he is. You simply don't know this man.

Oh internet dating is a dangerous world imho. I wouldn't touch it with a barge pole. The people on there, whilst probably often genuine, target lonely people.

Yes take a look at your loneliness. Sorry if I sound harsh, I'm just being sensible from the experiences that I have watched on tv, read about on here and in the media and from close friends. Just don't. (maternal instinct) not a lecture. Take care.

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.