Fiance asks me strange questions that make me uncomfortable. Does his behaviour seem abnormal?

[lijana]

I work a full time job and also a part time job on weekends. In my work, there is a forced leave period during christmas for 2 weeks. This year, on top of this forced leave, I took an extra day break on a Monday before I went back to work on Tuesday.
When I told my fiance about this, he asked me 'why do you take an extra day off?' My response to this was 'I just want an extra holiday'. The way he asked me was in a questioning tone and in a blunt manner. He then appeared unsatisfied with my answer, and continued to question me, he said 'isnt a 14 day holiday enough? Why do you want to take an extra day on top of the 14 day holiday?' He then said that most people take two weeks not two weeks and 1 day as it seems unusual.
I didn't know the answer to this. For me it is just an extra day off, there are no other or further reasons as to why I would take an extra day. To me of course any extra holidays are better than not having any holidays, but an extra day would be better than an extra 1 week as I can save more on annual leave.
He appeared to be annoyed and agitated at my inability to answer him. I got annoyed at him and decided to turn the questioning on him. There was a period of time where before he met me, he decided to quit his job and after that had more than 1 year off work. He quit his job by choice. He could have stayed at his job and found another one and moved to another job, however he quit and didn't work for 1 year and lived off his parents.
So I decided to fire this and question him on this aspect. I asked him 'why he didn't work and decided to quit the job and have a 1 year holiday.' I said most people try to keep their jobs and find another one before quitting. I said how could he not get worried living off his parents.
He gave me the following response 'that he quit because he felt the job didnt give him enough experience' and that he didn't mind living off his parents because they had no mortgage to pay and food is not that expensive.' (he lived in Ukraine back then)
Then I questioned him as to why he would ask me about my extra day off, what his motive was behind asking such a question.
He said that he had no motive behind it, that he doesnt mind if I take an extra day off and doesnt care about money or that sort of thing. He said that he just wanted to get an understanding behind why I wanted to take an extra day off after 14 days of holidays and why 14 days was not enough. He wanted to understand the logic behind why I wanted to take an extra day off he said.
However I find that hard to believe, as if it is just a light hearted curiosity, why would you ask it so seriously and be unsatisfied with my answer? He would ask, then I would answer and he would move on as it is no big deal.
He then said to me that I could have answered that by saying that I wanted an extra day to have a rest. The funny thing is I answered him in a similar manner however he wasn't satisfied with the answer in the first place!
Does this behaviour or question seem completely ridiculous? Im beginning to think he has some very different thinking patterns and enjoys to proof things when things are so insiginificant. I am beginning to think there is something completely autistic about this and I am starting to lose my respect for him.
Another example once was this:
I told him that cockroaches can climb up sinks when dropped into a sink. My parents also told him this that they have seen it with their own eyes that cockroaches can climb up sinks.
However he still appeared to not believe this as he had not seen it with his own eyes. He appeared to believe that they can't climb up as they will slip.
One day he came home and a cockroach was in the kitchen, he caught it and decided to test the 'theory'. He put the cockroach in the sink and the cockroach climbed up very fast in 1 second up the side of the sink.
He then believed the theory.
Another example was this:
We caught a mouse in a mouse trap. He looked at the mouse and found that it was a little big in the stomach. He thought that this mouse was pregnant but not 100% sure. So therefore he dissected the dead mouse and opened up the stomach which revealed that it had unborn babies.
He felt he had to prove that he was right by doing this. He felt that he had to prove himself right.
Do men normally do this?? Is this something that men are more likely to do?
He told me that he always felt different to others, and that he felt hard to connect with others but he doesnt know what it is.
After being with him for 3 yrs I dont know what it is about him either. At times I feel he is completely normal but other times I feel like there is some serious disconnect with his brain to the average person. However it is hard for me to define the average person as everyone is different..
What is your opinions on this?

On reading your further posts, I think he sounds like a cross between Sherlock Holmes (the Cumberbatch one) and Dr Sheldon Cooper (Big Bang Theory).

Not a combination I could or would choose to live with, but probably not inherently dangerous.

Sounds like a massive culture clash + a personal inability for him to trust what other people say until he's verified it himself. My husband's father is perfectly capable of dissecting a dead mouse or thumping the dog or watching some iffy stuff or doing a number of things I don't like at all, but he comes from a very different background indeed and we both swallow hard at times to accommodate each others' differences.

Culture clashes might or might not be overcomable. it provides an extra challenge but also has strengths.

The not believing what you say would drive me absolutely crazy. If you're thinking of having kids, if you have them with this man then you'd have to be prepared for him parenting very differently to you and probably in some areas you'd not like what he does. Unless he's willing to take some of what you say on face value, or he builds up enough trust that you can back up what you say with evidence, it's going to be hard.

and I am starting to lose my respect for him.

this is the crux of the matter and if it carries on, end it. It'll be hell being married to someone you don't respect.

Op, why did you accept his proposal (assuming it was him as you both seem traditional)? What were your thoughts at the time?

The following incident happened after me describing about the leave incident:
I had been reading a book called 'How to win friends and influence ppl'. He saw that I was reading this and so he found an audio book of this and started listening to it. In this book it said that sometimes you should apologise to others and this will cause others to naturally apologise to you too.
After questioning me about the leave incident and me questioning him back about his year of leave and becoming openly agitated. He came into the room afterwards and apologised. He said I'm sorry for interrogating you like a nazi. I accepted his apology however I did not think of apologising to him, it simply didn't come into my mind. I just accepted it and said to him that I became agitated because I felt like he was interrogating me and being very serious on such a small topic that seem of no concern to others if they were in the situation. I hugged him afterwards.
After this conversation in the next two days, my fiance appeared strange e.g. distant and didn't really look at me much in the eye. He also after dinner stayed in the study and watched some videos and didn't come into our bedroom until I went to sleep each night. I tried to go into the study once and sit with him however he started watching some Russian youtube video (my fiance is Ukrainian by origin) and I just sat there, I asked him to translate but he translated only very little and didn't seem that enthusiastic in nature to translate to me, so I then left him alone.
On the third day, when he came to the bedroom, I confronted him and asked him why he is acting strange and distant. He then said that he doesnt want to tell me because he feels like he can't ask me questions. But after coaxing him, he told me that he had read the 'How to win friends and influence ppl' book and the book said that sometimes you should apologize to the other person and the other person will then apologize back. However he said that when he apologised, I didnt apologise back to him and he felt that the book was wrong and he was upset that I didn't apologise to him.
I then said that I was sorry to him for being agitated and that I apologise now. He then told me that wasn't good anymore because it seemed like he made me apologise and that I didnt do it naturally.
He then said that I need to accept blame too and I seem to not be able to accept blame. I told him that I was agitated and began to try to find what his motivation behind asking me the question of extra day leave is. I thought that his motivation was that he was worried I am somehow lazy and is not satisfied with 16 days of leave but want even more, 17 days. Therefore I started questioning him on why he decided to take 1 year leave and quit work when he was in Ukraine. I said most reasonable ppl would not do that too, just like he said that most reasonable people would not take one extra day of holiday after 16 days.
He said to me that his question was not motivated by any other agenda other than wanting to understand the logic behind why I took an extra day off. I said to him but I gave you an explanation. He said no, and that I gave him a couple of explanations, one explanation was that I was I wanted to use by flex day, the other that I just wanted an extra holiday. He thought they were inconsistent with each other. He felt my reasoning is illogical. So then I ask him exactly what was he looking for in an answer. He said if I said 'I hate mondays therefore I want to take mondays off', or that 'I dont know and that I'm illogical' then he would find those answers more acceptable...
He said it is not his fault that he couldnt accept my answer. My answer doesnt make sense to him and is not logical. Therefore it is my problem that he couldnt accept my answer as I didnt answer him with clear logic. He said it is like someone saying 1+1 = 3 and not explaining properly why this is the case. He felt like my explanation didnt add up to why 17 days was such an uneven figure and extra day rather than 16 days which is more even (2 weeks block). He thinks not many people do this and that its strange for me to do this.
I feel like the above, even after I typed it is such as circular argument, firstly it gets too much into the nitty gritty, secondly it is completely inconsequential, thirdly if he gets the bigger picture he shouldn't even care, also if he has no hidden motivations to why he asked the question, why did he need to question it so seriously?!
After that conversation with him, I started to think even more that there is something seriously wrong with his logic. I was reading about Aspergers and they talk about their problems with Theory of Mind, they say that people with this have difficulty knowing the intention of others.
My fiance has not been diagnosed with this condition, I believe he has something as on another forum someone also mentioned that he exhibits symptoms of aspergers. I am just so frustrated. I am usually a person who can get along with most people, I am a flexible person who is more gullible and not that stubborn. However how come I cannot get along with this person?
I said to him how come he seemed very sociable in our first dates. He appeared to have lots of things to say etc and he now has less to say. He said that in the first dates he had prepared a listing of things and printed it out (apparently this is what he said) and put it in the jeans pocket in case he couldnt remember so that he could read it if he went to bathroom if he had nothing to say. I couldnt believe this! He then said that if I want him to talk more on a daily basis it would mean he has to do preparation at the end of every day (e.g. during work) so that he will have some interesting topic to say to me in the evening.

Honestly OP, he sounds like a perfectly lovely guy, but just not for you. You obviously communicate on different levels, and he needs someone either more willing to nod and smile at his need for logic, or someone that thinks more like him. A diagnosis isn't going to change who he is, or make your relationship suddenly work.

I am beginning to think there is something completely autistic about this and I am starting to lose my respect for him

What a ridiculous and hurtful thing to say!

You both sound like hard work tbh.

You aren't compatible. Disecting each other is not normal and the way madness lies. You are supposed to be in the prime of your life and having fun and all your threads point to the same thing.... Lovely bloke not for you.....
And lastly when you bandy autism around like its a defect it upsets people. I see many more aspects of your personality that are unpleasant than his.....

Because of where I studied, the mmajority of my friends are scientists and engineers (quite a few of the mad variety). None of us have ever done a home mouse dissection for fun...

He's very into details. And my dh can be daft questioning things everyone else wouldn't even bother about.

Everyone is a bit on the spectrum (autistic spectrum) - I can identify my traits!

He was a bit confrontational about the day off and I'd get annoyed about that.

I wouldn't bother about the mouse, I dissected a rat to draw for my a level art whilst I had a much loved pet rat (don't think I could now).

You aren't compatible, I completely agree. Lijana, I know you're in Australia but are your family from another country? The 28-on-the-shelf-just-settle thing sounds like you might be, and your other thread, but apologies if I'm wrong!

It sounds generally as if you and he aren't really relaxed around one another. You can consider relationship counselling to try and improve communication, but the tone of this post (and your other thread) is disappointed that he is not Being The Right Sort Of Man In A Man Way.

You both sound very odd.

That is exhausting to read.

Everyone isnt on the spectrum.

It's a spectrum of people with ASD.

Your fiance might be. Or might not.

But if you are posting "why can't I get along with this person" there is no way in hell you should be marrying him. I get along with dH and it's still a challenge sometimes now we are 15 years along.

He Sounds extremely exhausting and hard work. I don't know how anyone could put up with this over mundane shit day in day out or whenever he decides to find something to pick over. He needs to be with someone exactly like him who can deal with this.

He may be on the spectrum, he may not. If he was would you be more understanding of his ways? I am of the belief that you need to love and accept people for what they are. You seem to be struggling to get along with him, you keep saying that you get agitated by him, well then leave. If you get agitated by him now imagine what it will be like in 10years!

For the record reading everything you have said, he is clearly a very straight thinker. He likes to know why, and have an understanding of everything. That doesn't necessarily equate to being autistic or Aspergers.

The mouse and cockroach incidents wouldn't bother me, but watching the videos would, that doesn't have a "logical" rationale and it doesn't sit easy with me to watch videos of deaths. It doesn't make him a weirdo, or freak, or mentally ill, just not for me. Be careful before you cast judgement on others, he obviously thinks your choice of 17days holiday is weird!

You can't get along with him because you are not compatible.
It really is that simple.
Please don't marry him.
Your life will be exhausting and the relationship won't last anyway.
Cut your loses now and move on.

I am married to someone wonderful with diagnosed autism and find your post deeply offensive. Yes autism is a disorder but it brings many wonderful things and does not just explain away odd behaviour. You don't lose respect for someone because they have autism. Armchair diagnosis is so pointless, the real issue here is you are incompatible and in a really unhealthy relationship. There is nothing from any of your posts that convincingly explains why you two are together. A relationship based on convenience is not a good relationship to maintain.

However how come I cannot get along with this person? - you said it yourself. You cannot get along with him, nor him with you. It doesn't matter how lovely or not lovely either of you are, you are simply not compatible.

I don't know why your parents are encouraging you to settle, perhaps that's what they did. It's a bad thing to do though. It can only lead to unhappiness at best, and possibly far worse, in the long term. Better to get out now before you are further tied to each other.

OP you sound like utterly hard work! Why does everything he does need a label?!

And so what if he is autistic?! Oh wow you are boiling my blood.

Can you agree with him that some things are inconsequential and just need to be left. If you can both agree that, then you could drop subjects when something's been done to death - or preferably before!

I do think that you're incompatible as things are. You both seem to want to disect things, but not the same things.

Actually not only do these two sound odd, the whole business and the ops posts all seem quite odd.

Can you explain why I sound odd also?

Sounds like my controlling manipulative ex. Don't walk away - run. He won't change Leave. You deserve better than this .

Honestly OP, he might be autistic based on your descriptions, we can't know this. Whether he is or not doesn't change that you're "losing respect for him". If you don't want to be with him, don't be with him, it's really that simple.

You also asked why you sound odd. From your posts, your thoughts seem jumbled, you over-explain things, you don't use formatting or proper grammar and you have a strange manner of "talking".

The word that came to mind was "neurotic". This is all simply based on your posts though so, like his "diagnosis", we can't be sure of anything and nor does it change whether you should stay with him or not.