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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Fiance asks me strange questions that make me uncomfortable. Does his behaviour seem abnormal?

192 replies

lijana · 05/01/2016 01:17

I work a full time job and also a part time job on weekends. In my work, there is a forced leave period during christmas for 2 weeks. This year, on top of this forced leave, I took an extra day break on a Monday before I went back to work on Tuesday.
When I told my fiance about this, he asked me 'why do you take an extra day off?' My response to this was 'I just want an extra holiday'. The way he asked me was in a questioning tone and in a blunt manner. He then appeared unsatisfied with my answer, and continued to question me, he said 'isnt a 14 day holiday enough? Why do you want to take an extra day on top of the 14 day holiday?' He then said that most people take two weeks not two weeks and 1 day as it seems unusual.
I didn't know the answer to this. For me it is just an extra day off, there are no other or further reasons as to why I would take an extra day. To me of course any extra holidays are better than not having any holidays, but an extra day would be better than an extra 1 week as I can save more on annual leave.
He appeared to be annoyed and agitated at my inability to answer him. I got annoyed at him and decided to turn the questioning on him. There was a period of time where before he met me, he decided to quit his job and after that had more than 1 year off work. He quit his job by choice. He could have stayed at his job and found another one and moved to another job, however he quit and didn't work for 1 year and lived off his parents.
So I decided to fire this and question him on this aspect. I asked him 'why he didn't work and decided to quit the job and have a 1 year holiday.' I said most people try to keep their jobs and find another one before quitting. I said how could he not get worried living off his parents.
He gave me the following response 'that he quit because he felt the job didnt give him enough experience' and that he didn't mind living off his parents because they had no mortgage to pay and food is not that expensive.' (he lived in Ukraine back then)
Then I questioned him as to why he would ask me about my extra day off, what his motive was behind asking such a question.
He said that he had no motive behind it, that he doesnt mind if I take an extra day off and doesnt care about money or that sort of thing. He said that he just wanted to get an understanding behind why I wanted to take an extra day off after 14 days of holidays and why 14 days was not enough. He wanted to understand the logic behind why I wanted to take an extra day off he said.
However I find that hard to believe, as if it is just a light hearted curiosity, why would you ask it so seriously and be unsatisfied with my answer? He would ask, then I would answer and he would move on as it is no big deal.
He then said to me that I could have answered that by saying that I wanted an extra day to have a rest. The funny thing is I answered him in a similar manner however he wasn't satisfied with the answer in the first place!
Does this behaviour or question seem completely ridiculous? Im beginning to think he has some very different thinking patterns and enjoys to proof things when things are so insiginificant. I am beginning to think there is something completely autistic about this and I am starting to lose my respect for him.
Another example once was this:
I told him that cockroaches can climb up sinks when dropped into a sink. My parents also told him this that they have seen it with their own eyes that cockroaches can climb up sinks.
However he still appeared to not believe this as he had not seen it with his own eyes. He appeared to believe that they can't climb up as they will slip.
One day he came home and a cockroach was in the kitchen, he caught it and decided to test the 'theory'. He put the cockroach in the sink and the cockroach climbed up very fast in 1 second up the side of the sink.
He then believed the theory.
Another example was this:
We caught a mouse in a mouse trap. He looked at the mouse and found that it was a little big in the stomach. He thought that this mouse was pregnant but not 100% sure. So therefore he dissected the dead mouse and opened up the stomach which revealed that it had unborn babies.
He felt he had to prove that he was right by doing this. He felt that he had to prove himself right.
Do men normally do this?? Is this something that men are more likely to do?
He told me that he always felt different to others, and that he felt hard to connect with others but he doesnt know what it is.
After being with him for 3 yrs I dont know what it is about him either. At times I feel he is completely normal but other times I feel like there is some serious disconnect with his brain to the average person. However it is hard for me to define the average person as everyone is different..
What is your opinions on this?

OP posts:
BluePancakes · 05/01/2016 10:29

I'm an engineer. I wouldn't cut up a mouse because I'd be worried about disease and it's not something I'm interested in, but I don't think that curiosity is a cause for concern, though I've got friends who find, butcher and eat roadkill which again, isn't something I would do, but each to their own.

In amongst the opinions you have been given some good advice. Hesterton said "Why not keep an eye on things for a bit - be sensitive to other red flags - and don't marry or have children unless your feelings change over the long term in a positive way. And finish with him if they don't."

I also agree with the other posters who ask what it is that you like about him and make you attracted to him? You're only 28, loads of time to find a new bloke if you want to, but you don't necessarily have to, based on what you have said.

And get the cockroach and mouse infestation sorted asap.

ItsANewDayToday · 05/01/2016 10:34

You are over analysing this. The simple question is whether this is the man you want to spend the rest of your life with?

You are not exactly selling him as life partner material to me Confused

MagicalMrsMistoffelees · 05/01/2016 10:35

I couldn't be with someone who dissected a dead mouse to confirm it was pregnant. Then again I couldn't be with someone who would put down a mousetrap in the first place.

But that's me, vegetarian and hugely empathetic towards animals, especially pregnant ones! It's up to you if his behaviour bothers you enough to finish with him.

(NB We had a mouse a couple of months ago and caught it in a humane trap and released it in the park. Okay it was probably gobbled by a fox but at least we gave it a fighting chance.)

UmbongoUnchained · 05/01/2016 10:36

I think he just sounds like he has morbid curiosity. I watched cannibal houlicaust because I had heard it was horrible and I wanted to see for myself. My mum has always been fascinated by death, it's one of the reasons she became a pathologist.

mum2mum99 · 05/01/2016 10:39

He sounds quite controlling.
A bit like my ex. Having to justify yourself all the time is tiring and might make you question whether your judgement is valid, whether you can make decisions at all.
Just think how draining and damaging for your self esteem it could be in the long run!
Obviously we can't decide for you.
2016 is a chance for a pest free year: no mouse, cockroach and controlling man in your life!

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 05/01/2016 10:43

I love that the mouse reactions range from

What a load of bollocks. Normal people don't go around cutting up random dead animals because they're curious

To

thank fuck we have these weirdos in our society. Without them science, medicine and engineering would be non existent

nowt as queer as folk hey? OK maybe sociopath was harsh- but don't get married just hey hey OP

RiverTam · 05/01/2016 10:47

He doesn't sound at all controlling (or a sociopath ffs). He sounds like he likes logic (so a random day off doesn't make sense) and facts (this dead mouse is unusually fat, I wonder why?). He likes to understand precisely why things are as they are, be it human, animal or inanimate. He'll ask questions and investigate till he gets to the bottom of it. He's probably a very interesting bloke, if a touch challenging to live with. But I actually think he sounds a lot better than many of the narrow minded posters on this thread.

GiddyOnZackHunt · 05/01/2016 10:47

We are a family of science, engineering and tech. DH drives me potty with his inability to just take my word for something. Unless he sees the problem it doesn't exist. We have random experiments set up around the house. I'd be a bit baffled if he started dissecting animals though.
However as pp have said it doesn't sound like you love him. It sounds like you have decided he's a practical solution to the non problem of being on the shelf. And your parents are stoking that fear.
Live a little before settling down and find out what's out there for yourself. You're 28 not 38. No need to panic.

HellesBelles01 · 05/01/2016 10:50

Catching up with this mornings posts. Christ on a bike, 200 years+ of feminism and some still feel we should have the first bloke that will take us, because we probably won't do any better and we're not getting any younger, are we girls? Hmm

You've had some great advice OP. Opinion on his behaviour vary wildly but it's still not clear to me how you feel about it. If you don't like it, you can leave and still have a perfectly happy life. You don't have to give any more reason than that.

One feeling that seems completely absence from your posts is love.

PrincessBooBoo · 05/01/2016 10:51

Has he Aspergers??

Thefitfatty · 05/01/2016 10:52

DH drives me potty with his inability to just take my word for something.

My DH too, in fact that's usually what our biggest rows are about, because I'm a flowery, exaggerating, not logical at all type of person. However, at the end of the day, as infuriating as it can be, his logic, curiosity and inability to just take someones word for it is also why I love my DH, and one of things I'm most proud of about him.

OP if you can't say the same thing, you need to look for someone else, and let him find someone who will love him, quirks and all.

HorseyHat · 05/01/2016 10:57

Loads of my work colleagues had yesterday off, I was annoyed that I hadn't thought of doing the same when I got everyone's out of office replies (we don't work in an office so I didn't know people were off until I tried to contact them). So you were not unusual in your idea to take the day off.

Your relationship seems odd and tit for tat arguments are not going to get you anywhere, why mention the year off?

I wonder if these questions are due to insecurity?

I struggle sometimes when I know that something I am saying is factually right and struggle not to push it/be pedantic. When I had counselling (unrelated) I asked about this and my (really good) therapist said that it could be due to insecurity, needing something to be right so that I feel ok with the world. "I don't have to be right but it does", I use Google on my smart phone way too much.

Could be part of this issue? Do you love this man? if so then pick your arguments, frankly who gives a flying fuck if a Cockroach can climb a sink, why not let it go?

Sometime being kind is better than being right. However if you are are worried a deeper issue then get him to go and speak to a counsellor? you both work so could pay for a good one?

Cinnamon2013 · 05/01/2016 10:58

Are you in love with him? Does he make you happy?

asilverraindrop · 05/01/2016 11:02

When I was a teenager, I bred hamsters for a hobby, and when they died I sometimes dissected them to see if I could work out why. I am now a vet and, I can assure you, not a sociopath etc. I completely agree with the posters who say it depends why he was cutting up the mouse. If he did it out of intellectual curiosity and a desire to find out the facts of the situation from his own observation, that's very different from if he was doing it for some sort of sordid thrill. Every one of us probably does something that would seem odd to someone else. The real question is whether you and he have a meaningful relationship, as others have said.

goodnightdarthvader1 · 05/01/2016 11:05

You both sound weird.

He is not a vet, or a teenager. Dissecting dead animals when you're not in that field of science (or want to move INTO that field of science) is weird. Quitting your job because you're not bothered about making money and sponging off your parents is weird (although I've known people who do it).

Just ... weird.

molyholy · 05/01/2016 11:18

My god. Just rtft. Bizarre.

Cuts up a dead mouse to see if it had babies inside to prove himself right!!!!!!!!

Watching a video of people dying, some horrifically - i.e. one was torn apart by lions (what I read from the wiki link somebody up thread linked to.)

What will he do next to to quench his thirst for curiosity/proving to himself he is right?

He is a FUCKING WEIRDO.

I would definitely dump. Just because he doesn't hit you and is good at diy, doesn't mean you have to stay with him.

GiddyOnZackHunt · 05/01/2016 11:49

fit :) We have the opposite problem of both being obstinate nerdy types. Mostly in different areas though so we both have our specialism on which we are God. I don't think we'd ever be happy with anyone else and he has those capable furry forearms that make me feel a bit squiffy Grin

OuchLegoHurts · 05/01/2016 12:02

Whether he's odd or not, the main thing that jumps out at me is that you don't sounds like you're in love with him. Wouldn't you rather be with someone who made your heart flutter and excited you? Or on your own? I would!

diddl · 05/01/2016 12:05

I think that I would find it exhausting if I had to keep having a reason for what I did.

Not just any reason, but one that was deemed suitable!

I can understand couples consulting about annual leave.

Equally, if they have a week or two together in Summer for example & Op has enough for that then the extra day is of no consequence.

My husband has just had three weeks & one day off!

ImperialBlether · 05/01/2016 12:20

I think he sounds absolutely nuts.

mum2mum99 · 05/01/2016 12:30

I think that I would find it exhausting if I had to keep having a reason for what I did.

yes exactly this diddl.
his search for explanation goes beyond the reasonable, Confused dissecting WTF? Shock

biscuitz72 · 05/01/2016 13:09

I'm no expert, but it sound's like MY experience of Aspergers. They're often very logical thinkers; requiring proof for everything and inquisitive/curious too ( at least that's my experience having several family members with it, as well as having it myself). Also once they get started on something they can't let it go (bee in a bonnet type thing) and can become quite obsessed with the answer or thing at the centre of it. I must admit I will go on and on until I can understand the logic of something (and it's often very trivial, but I can't help it) and it drives my DH up the wall... (similar to this "day off" thing).
He obviously has good qualities and is helpful and thoughtful so you just need to work out if you can put up with his quirks (we all have them).
I, personally, see nothing wrong with the mouse incident (it was already dead) or the cockroach incident. I think he just needs to prove things to himself by seeing it for himself. I think the scientific mind he has probably explains a lot of it.
As for the video, again I don't see this as an issue. We all have a morbid curiosity to some extent; hand on heart, who can say they've never slowed down when driving past an accident? I would view this video in the same way seeing as he doesn't have a habit of watching things like this normally.
Obviously, this is all just my 2 cents worth. At the end of the day you need to work out if it's a deal breaker for you and act accordingly.

Jux · 05/01/2016 13:30

I think it's quite reasonable when confronted by a new 'fact' which surprises you and seems illogical from your own experience, to check it out when you have the opportunity. We often do the "let's find out" thing here.

I don't think he's particularly odd.

viridus · 05/01/2016 14:33

Surely he has better things to do in his spare time than dissect mice and examine insects. ?
What kind of hobbies does he have?
What kind of activities do you enjoy doing together?

It sounds to me as though you are not suited to each other at all.
Also why get married to someone you feel uncomfortable with? That's one big red flag.

Lweji · 05/01/2016 14:48

Surely he has better things to do in his spare time than dissect mice and examine insects.
Some people might disagree. Grin

It's certainly not less deserving than kicking a ball around, playing Candy Crush, or reading celeb gossip. Wink

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