DH pushed me... not sure how i feel.

[MiseryBusiness]

DH and I have been married 8 years. Ususally, we get along fine and have a good marriage.
We've had our ups and downs but we've managed to get through them.
Recently, we haven't been getting on too well. This is down to me, more than him.
I've been feeling a bit suffocated by his constant need for attention and I had been backing away a little. We had a big heart to heart and cleared the air and things were going well again.
On Xmas eve eve. DH went out drinking with a friend. We had a babysitter so I went out with some of my friends and met with him later in the night.
When we met up, he was clearly very drunk.
DH is either a happy drunk or an aggresive, angry drunk. He has never been violent, just really unpleasant.
When he walked into the pub, the barman made an offhand comment - not sure what it was but I think it was a joke of some sort. DH threatened to beat him up so I came over and told him to calm down.
He then tried picking up the landlords dog and it nipped him so he started shouting about kicking the dog, so again, I had to ask him to calm down.
He came a sat down and started singling out one of my female friends, everything she said, he disagreed with. He shouted at her, called her a liar when she was telling us a work story. The only way I can describe it, was that he was picking on her, bullying her even. It was awful.
I decided enough was enough and I would take him home. When we stood up he knocked my friends drink over and it went all over her bag, she said something to him like 'thanks for that' or similar so he threw his own drink over her.
I apologied, I was so embarrased I told him we were going. He refused to give me the car keys and was really shouting at me.
I walked out the pub and he was pushing me, over and over, every time ~I tried to move past him he would shove me and then pin me up against the wall/shops on the high street.
He threw the car keys at me and was shouting in my face and pointing in my face that he'd done nothing wrong and I was the one being a bitch.
He continued to push me and shove me through town. At one point a couple stopped their car and asked if I was ok.
We eventually got to our car and I drove us home, we shouted at each other all the way home. He was blaming me for his awful night. Every time I tried to explain what he'd done he was just flat out denying it, saying I was making it up.
We got close to our house and he was shouting at me still and jabbing his finger in my face while shouting so I stopped the car and told him to get out. He refused to leave the car so I got out and started walking home. He ran after me and again the shoving and pushing started. For the first time ever, I was actually scared he might hit me so I kicked him as hard as I could and ran back to our car, he chased me and as I was climbing in the car he slammed the door on my leg.
Luckily he then stormed off down the road so I drove home and went straight to bed.
He came up in the morning and apologied for shouting and pushing me but is saying he doesnt remember most of the night and only remembers pushing me once outside the pub.

I dont know what to do. This is so unbelievably out of character. He has never been physical with me before.
I do believe he is sorry and I believe him when he says it'll never happen again.
Luckily, he only drinks 3 or 4 times a year so he's saying he just wont drink at all now.

The thing is, I cant change the fact it has happened. I never thought I would ever accept being treated like that, but I cant end my marriage over one drunken night!
I need some advice.

Sorry thats so long!

Stay strong. Can you go out and return once he has gone? i think you very much need to be no contact.

You haven't caused his behaviour. You are on the receiving end of his problems. Only he can sort himself out.

Stay strong, and pay attention the the feeling you have when he is gone. Not the guilt trip he silently put you on, but your innermost gut feeling.

to you, and please be kind to yourself. It always sounds trite but what people mean is that you have been assaulted and need to come to terms with it. Self compassion is what you need now.

I do think you need this time apart so you can get the space to think about whether you want to stay married and whether you really wanted to stay in this relationship and were happy even before his disgraceful drunken behaviour on Christmas Eve. He only drinks 3 or 4 times a year so is clearly not dependent on alcohol. Only you know if you could trust him never to get drunk again. But if you can then it's his sober behaviour you need to think about. Personally, I don't think feeling bad when someone you love feels bad, even though they've fucked up, is that unusual - I would say both DH and I do that, so who's the low self-esteem caregiver indulging the needy abusive partner in our relationship? Both of us?

If him wanting you to go to bed at the same time every night makes you think "WTAF?", why do you think you have tolerated it for 8 years? I have a friend who likes to go to bed at the same time as their partner - luckily for him he's found someone who doesn't mind so much (I would mind and wouldn't have got past one week like that) because, yes, my friend can be quite needy and clingy but he is also very caring, loving, supportive and strong when his partner needs him to be. It works for my friends as there is give and take and so they both feel that they compromise on some things and benefit from others. Does that sound like your relationship or do you feel that you're always compromising to keep him happy?

Has he gone? please change the locks, if only to be sure you are not going to have any surprise visits. I think you have been manipulated for along time, you will be so happy alone. He is history

You've done nothing wrong, really you haven't. Look at how you responded about the going to bed at the same time thing, how you finally said no, this isn't usual. Your instincts are good. You just need to trust them.

It's Ok to feel guilty about asking him to leave. And sorry for him. Of course he is sad about it. He's lost his relationship, his home, his sense of being a worthwhile human being.

But that was ENTIRELY down to him. You didn't make him lose the plot. He allowed himself to in a massive toddler tantrum because he was afraid he was losing control, so thought he would make sure of it as it was happening anyway...and by God he managed that.

He's a fool and he's a dangerous one at that. He has basically attacked you, attacked your friends, made a complete mess of everything for himself, and now he is enjoying that you feel sorry for him.

So feel it, as you will because you're a kind person and it is natural to you to feel sorry for someone who's in the shit.

But please, please don't act on that feeling. It will pass. You need to keep hold of the anger - remind yourself of just what he did. Keep reminding yourself.

You don't even have to hate him in the long term, if you don't want to. All you need to do is protect yourself and that means he is no longer with you. He doesn't live with you, stay with you, come round for a drink or a talk, he doesn't 'own' you any more. (in his mind)

He has to get out of your social life and your home life permanently.

Then you can feel sorry for him from a safe distance.

Think of him as a dangerous dog in a pound. That's about the size of it sadly.

He has gone now.
There isn't much give and take in our relationship, I think that's why I'm always pushing him away.
I do most things. I look after the house, kids, he is only home on weekends, I look after our finances, pay all the bills etc etc I also work 2 jobs.
Whenever we argue or fall out, I'm always the one that sorts it out and clears the air.
We almost split in January because I'd had enough of him being silent and moody and not really participating in our relationship.
Since then he has tried harder to talk to me and be present.

Glad to hear he is packing Misery. Feeling safe in your own space will really help you process.

Self-compassion is a lovely phrase Mellifera.

Misery there are bound to be times when you will look back and feel sad that he is not here. it is part of the process. At these time remember what boundaries he has consistently broken.
He sounds a bit lit a kept man TBH and you might feel like there is less to do when he is gone.

Seeing each other only at weekends makes his clinginess and wanting to go bed at the same time a little less full-on. But I can imagine that it's hard to feel you are carrying everything during the week on your own and then feeling like you have to fit to his needs at the weekend without any reciprocation or support.

You started off this thread saying you mostly got on fine and were happy together - with some ups and downs, but a good marriage in general... does that still ring true for you? Your last post doesn't make it sound like either of you have been particularly happy… Did you both feel things improved significantly when he started to make an effort to talk and be present?

Laurie,

I hope you'll forgive me but it sounds almost as if you are hoping the OP can somehow salvage the marriage?

We do get along most of the time.
There have always been things that have irritated or annoyed me, like going to bed at the same time and his clingyness but I've always sort of shrugged it off as it's not very often a big issue and we just get on with things.
He does know that I do the lions share everything.
Looking back, I think he often says the right things so we get back on track but doesn't actually do the right thing.

I'm glad to have some space away from him.

OP, sounds like you're assessing your marriage and will hopefully come to a conclusion that's best for you. His behaviour when drunk sounds terrifying and I would find it difficult to get past it. There's no guarantee that he will never drink again.

I sympathise with having to clear the air / make up with DH after arguments. I did this all the time because he wouldn't. I've stopped now. Does your DH give you silent treatment?

OP, I'm glad you've got the space too - I would guard it for as long as possible if I were you because you really need time and support to think about what's best for you. This separation must not be viewed by him as a couple of days in the doghouse before he can start pressurising you to welcome him home.

People can and do get past something as awful as what happened to you (and I'm really not minimising how horrific it was to have him treat your friends like that let alone be so physically aggressive with you over a prolonged period) when it is clear that it was crazy, excessive alcohol and completely out of character in an otherwise mutually loving, happy, and supportive marriage.

Does he always get hammered when he drinks? In theory, if he's only drunk alcohol on 3 or 4 occasions in a year, then you could think it would be relatively easy for him to pass up the booze and not behave like this again.

From the things you have posted, however, it's not immediately clear that you do have the kind of marriage that could overcome this and progress with confidence, security and happiness on both your parts.

Does his sober behaviour (moodiness, silence, lack of participation, neediness etc.) apply just to you or to the kids too?

I think it would be easy for him to give up drinking. He really doesn't do it that often.

I think I'd just never considered his usual behaviour as controlling in any way. He always makes me feel like I'm the one in the wrong when I tell him he is suffocating me with his need for attention.

He can be moody with the kids, he doesn't handle them misbehaving very well but he is never aggressive or anything like that just very shouty.

I don't think I could live with someone who did that - the attention thing - I've had too many experiences with clingy men. If it turns you off, then you're living with someone whom you don't find attractive, who gets on your nerves and whom you will gradually lose respect for.

I don't think I could do it. I'd kill myself. Being married ought to be pleasant - not necessarily a laugh a minute or magically wonderful or anything, but it shouldn't be like this.

You should feel comfortable and safe at the very least. Otherwise, what is the point? You might as well live with a random stranger off the street, as a partner who makes you feel like this.

from what you say it sounds like he is jealous of the kids - they get some of your attention meaning he gets less.

I think this is the perfect time to think carefully about how equal your marriage is when he's not drunk.

Sounds to me like that incident has been a blessing in disguise if it's making you think.

Thanks again for all the great advice.
I've got a lot to think about and it's not going to be easy.

I get the impression he thinks he is leaving for a few days. I don't know how he'll react when he realises it's long term.
I'm sure he'll just make me feel really guilty, he usually does.

Thanks again. It's been enlightening and very helpful to write it all out and get some perspective.

No worries and best of luck. Do check my link from before. It gives good advice on carefully leaving a relationship if you feel you might have reason to fear for your safety.

Quite useful even if you don't

Remember it because I'll guarantee he'll try to minimise and rewrite history. You need to base your decisions on YOUR reality, not his version.

He can be moody with the kids, he doesn't handle them misbehaving very well but he is never aggressive or anything like that just very shouty.

Would it be true to say that until this week that statement would be true about his behaviour towards you too?

He can be moody with me, he doesn't handle me misbehaving very well but he is never aggressive or anything like that just very shouty.*

He turned on you soon after you misbehaved too much by resisting his control. When will he turn on them?

If you've only known him 8 years then presumably the DC are still at an age where parental control works. What about when they are teenagers? Or even, say, a cheeky 9yo who tries on being objectionable?

Ideally you would have a significant amount of time to see what life is like for you and the kids with him gone (though presumably he'd want access to his kids at weekends), so you can really think once you've had a chance to process what happened the other night and then think about all that's gone on before and what you can honestly and realistically anticipate for the future... he's donned his sackcloth and ashes for now, but how long has he really gone for? From what you have said, it doesn't sound like either of you are actually happy in the marriage… you giving all you have and being overstretched and it not being enough for him? Do you have a close friend or relative who knows the ins and outs of your marriage and who could be trusted to talk about your relationship up until the point of his horrendous behaviour the other night?

ah x post.

I hope telling him it's long term goes ok…

I can't wait for him to be gone and then I'll be able to breathe
^^ speaks volumes op.
and good luck.

Good luck Misery

If I may, I'd like to suggest that you take the next few days (before he realises it's long term) to get as many ducks in a row as you can. Documents, cash cards, names on bills, tax credits that kind of thing.