DH pushed me... not sure how i feel.

[MiseryBusiness]

DH and I have been married 8 years. Ususally, we get along fine and have a good marriage.
We've had our ups and downs but we've managed to get through them.
Recently, we haven't been getting on too well. This is down to me, more than him.
I've been feeling a bit suffocated by his constant need for attention and I had been backing away a little. We had a big heart to heart and cleared the air and things were going well again.
On Xmas eve eve. DH went out drinking with a friend. We had a babysitter so I went out with some of my friends and met with him later in the night.
When we met up, he was clearly very drunk.
DH is either a happy drunk or an aggresive, angry drunk. He has never been violent, just really unpleasant.
When he walked into the pub, the barman made an offhand comment - not sure what it was but I think it was a joke of some sort. DH threatened to beat him up so I came over and told him to calm down.
He then tried picking up the landlords dog and it nipped him so he started shouting about kicking the dog, so again, I had to ask him to calm down.
He came a sat down and started singling out one of my female friends, everything she said, he disagreed with. He shouted at her, called her a liar when she was telling us a work story. The only way I can describe it, was that he was picking on her, bullying her even. It was awful.
I decided enough was enough and I would take him home. When we stood up he knocked my friends drink over and it went all over her bag, she said something to him like 'thanks for that' or similar so he threw his own drink over her.
I apologied, I was so embarrased I told him we were going. He refused to give me the car keys and was really shouting at me.
I walked out the pub and he was pushing me, over and over, every time ~I tried to move past him he would shove me and then pin me up against the wall/shops on the high street.
He threw the car keys at me and was shouting in my face and pointing in my face that he'd done nothing wrong and I was the one being a bitch.
He continued to push me and shove me through town. At one point a couple stopped their car and asked if I was ok.
We eventually got to our car and I drove us home, we shouted at each other all the way home. He was blaming me for his awful night. Every time I tried to explain what he'd done he was just flat out denying it, saying I was making it up.
We got close to our house and he was shouting at me still and jabbing his finger in my face while shouting so I stopped the car and told him to get out. He refused to leave the car so I got out and started walking home. He ran after me and again the shoving and pushing started. For the first time ever, I was actually scared he might hit me so I kicked him as hard as I could and ran back to our car, he chased me and as I was climbing in the car he slammed the door on my leg.
Luckily he then stormed off down the road so I drove home and went straight to bed.
He came up in the morning and apologied for shouting and pushing me but is saying he doesnt remember most of the night and only remembers pushing me once outside the pub.

I dont know what to do. This is so unbelievably out of character. He has never been physical with me before.
I do believe he is sorry and I believe him when he says it'll never happen again.
Luckily, he only drinks 3 or 4 times a year so he's saying he just wont drink at all now.

The thing is, I cant change the fact it has happened. I never thought I would ever accept being treated like that, but I cant end my marriage over one drunken night!
I need some advice.

Sorry thats so long!

[laurierf]

I would not be surprised if the OP is still trying to work things through with her husband.

I personally do believe that people can behave wildly out of character when blind drunk (not least someone who rarely drinks like the OP's husband) but that, either way, the sober situation that didn't sound too happy.

OP, if you're reading, wishing you the best for 2016.

[mum2mum99]

Misery, take as much time as you need to think about it...or follow your intuition and grab this opportunity to let him go.
This is not love, love. You deserve much better

[Jan45]

No alcohol does not make you act out of character to such a degree, it's part of who he is I'm afraid and the drink brings it out, I'd be worried it will happen again, why wouldn't it, he cant even remember, so he says.

What a cretin, doing that to you in front of people, how embarrassing, people pointing saying look there's the woman that gets pushed about by her partner, OMG, tell him to go OP, it might help him realise that he can't touch alcohol or at least try and control his drinking - never heard the likes of it - you must be mortified.

Sorry but he assaulted you over and over again, it's not normal.

[nuttynutter]

Well done for makin him leave op i would change the locks and set up cctv on ur house more of a precaution hopefully just incase things turn nasty x..dnt want to worry u but i think these things will deter him if he turns nasty

[TheFullMinty]

Well done on sticking to your guns, are you getting any RL support? The friendls from the pub maybe as they have seen his behaviour so are less likely to minimise?

Perhaps changing the locks whilst he's gone would be wise too.

Hope you are ok.

[anonacfr]

How are things OP?

[nuttynutter]

Are you alrite op kept thinking bout ur post hope you dnt feel judged and pushed into a corner it is your life live it how u want to i just think ppl on here were truely shocked and very worried bout your safety..i know i was ..its a hard thing to tell pppl aboutx

[BertieBotts]

"Looking back, I think he often says the right things so we get back on track but doesn't actually do the right thing."

This is so true. My ex was exactly the same. It's horrible because you so want to believe them but you have to realise in the end that words mean nothing and actions are what count.

It's part of the pattern that they make you feel sorry for them, BTW. I don't know whether that is their doing or something about having a caring personality but it's a killer. Don't fall for it! Just keep repeating that he's not your responsibility and you don't owe him anything.

[TheoriginalLEM]

ok so lets pretend the other night didn't happen for a minute.

Now ask yourself if you want to continue to live with someone so possesive and smothering? what about when he questions you about seeing your friends? going to bed at the same time? seeing family? the sulks etc. Don't mistake it for love. At best its insecurity at worst its possesive and controlling. Something that occurs alot in relationships that end up in domestic violence.

Does that sound how you want to live your life??

[Pipistrella]

Of course it was his fault and of course he knew it was wrong. He chose to do it anyway.

And it doesn't matter anyway. The fact is it happened and the OP needs to protect herself, because if she doesn't it will happen again.

[Justaboy]

It makes me wonder just how people get like this was it really his fault that it happened?, is it anyone's fault duff upbringing when you can't see what your doing wrong, when it seems right to you and surely "I'm right the rest of the worlds wrong"?

Well I'm gladdened that Misery business has got to this stage and I do suspect that he does think he's in the dog house for a few days and it'll blow over and he'll come back tail between his legs and I think this is going the be the difficult and very awkward bit for the OP here. Is there anyone else who can help with this problem?, like his parents or a brother or a sister around as such who can perhaps make him see if he doesn't already know it what he's got to do and must do to change if he ever hopes of a reconciliation?.

Lets hope it might be the watershed where effective change can and does come about where he will try from within to change for his sake and the OP's and the children involved as he is still their dad and will one way or the other have contact with them? which also means some contact with the OP.

Lets hope for a good outcome whatever happens!

[GoblinLittleOwl]

This was a sustained assault on you over a period of time, and he frightened you badly.

He has offered to leave; insist that he does, and consider what you are going to do very carefully.

In vino veritas. This will happen again.

[PitPatKitKat]

Good luck Misery

If I may, I'd like to suggest that you take the next few days (before he realises it's long term) to get as many ducks in a row as you can. Documents, cash cards, names on bills, tax credits that kind of thing.

[P1nkP0ppy]

I can't wait for him to be gone and then I'll be able to breathe
^^ speaks volumes op.
and good luck.

[laurierf]

ah x post.

I hope telling him it's long term goes ok…

[laurierf]

Ideally you would have a significant amount of time to see what life is like for you and the kids with him gone (though presumably he'd want access to his kids at weekends), so you can really think once you've had a chance to process what happened the other night and then think about all that's gone on before and what you can honestly and realistically anticipate for the future... he's donned his sackcloth and ashes for now, but how long has he really gone for? From what you have said, it doesn't sound like either of you are actually happy in the marriage… you giving all you have and being overstretched and it not being enough for him? Do you have a close friend or relative who knows the ins and outs of your marriage and who could be trusted to talk about your relationship up until the point of his horrendous behaviour the other night?

[RunRabbitRunRabbit]

He can be moody with the kids, he doesn't handle them misbehaving very well but he is never aggressive or anything like that just very shouty.

Would it be true to say that until this week that statement would be true about his behaviour towards you too?

He can be moody with me, he doesn't handle me misbehaving very well but he is never aggressive or anything like that just very shouty.*

He turned on you soon after you misbehaved too much by resisting his control. When will he turn on them?

If you've only known him 8 years then presumably the DC are still at an age where parental control works. What about when they are teenagers? Or even, say, a cheeky 9yo who tries on being objectionable?

[Joysmum]

Remember it because I'll guarantee he'll try to minimise and rewrite history. You need to base your decisions on YOUR reality, not his version.

[Pipistrella]

No worries and best of luck. Do check my link from before. It gives good advice on carefully leaving a relationship if you feel you might have reason to fear for your safety.

Quite useful even if you don't

[MiseryBusiness]

Thanks again for all the great advice.
I've got a lot to think about and it's not going to be easy.

I get the impression he thinks he is leaving for a few days. I don't know how he'll react when he realises it's long term.
I'm sure he'll just make me feel really guilty, he usually does.

Thanks again. It's been enlightening and very helpful to write it all out and get some perspective.

[Joysmum]

I think this is the perfect time to think carefully about how equal your marriage is when he's not drunk.

Sounds to me like that incident has been a blessing in disguise if it's making you think.

[Pipistrella]

from what you say it sounds like he is jealous of the kids - they get some of your attention meaning he gets less.

[Pipistrella]

I don't think I could live with someone who did that - the attention thing - I've had too many experiences with clingy men. If it turns you off, then you're living with someone whom you don't find attractive, who gets on your nerves and whom you will gradually lose respect for.

I don't think I could do it. I'd kill myself. Being married ought to be pleasant - not necessarily a laugh a minute or magically wonderful or anything, but it shouldn't be like this.

You should feel comfortable and safe at the very least. Otherwise, what is the point? You might as well live with a random stranger off the street, as a partner who makes you feel like this.

[MiseryBusiness]

I think it would be easy for him to give up drinking. He really doesn't do it that often.

I think I'd just never considered his usual behaviour as controlling in any way. He always makes me feel like I'm the one in the wrong when I tell him he is suffocating me with his need for attention.

He can be moody with the kids, he doesn't handle them misbehaving very well but he is never aggressive or anything like that just very shouty.

[laurierf]

OP, I'm glad you've got the space too - I would guard it for as long as possible if I were you because you really need time and support to think about what's best for you. This separation must not be viewed by him as a couple of days in the doghouse before he can start pressurising you to welcome him home.

People can and do get past something as awful as what happened to you (and I'm really not minimising how horrific it was to have him treat your friends like that let alone be so physically aggressive with you over a prolonged period) when it is clear that it was crazy, excessive alcohol and completely out of character in an otherwise mutually loving, happy, and supportive marriage.

Does he always get hammered when he drinks? In theory, if he's only drunk alcohol on 3 or 4 occasions in a year, then you could think it would be relatively easy for him to pass up the booze and not behave like this again.

From the things you have posted, however, it's not immediately clear that you do have the kind of marriage that could overcome this and progress with confidence, security and happiness on both your parts.

Does his sober behaviour (moodiness, silence, lack of participation, neediness etc.) apply just to you or to the kids too?