DH pushed me... not sure how i feel.

[MiseryBusiness]

DH and I have been married 8 years. Ususally, we get along fine and have a good marriage.
We've had our ups and downs but we've managed to get through them.
Recently, we haven't been getting on too well. This is down to me, more than him.
I've been feeling a bit suffocated by his constant need for attention and I had been backing away a little. We had a big heart to heart and cleared the air and things were going well again.
On Xmas eve eve. DH went out drinking with a friend. We had a babysitter so I went out with some of my friends and met with him later in the night.
When we met up, he was clearly very drunk.
DH is either a happy drunk or an aggresive, angry drunk. He has never been violent, just really unpleasant.
When he walked into the pub, the barman made an offhand comment - not sure what it was but I think it was a joke of some sort. DH threatened to beat him up so I came over and told him to calm down.
He then tried picking up the landlords dog and it nipped him so he started shouting about kicking the dog, so again, I had to ask him to calm down.
He came a sat down and started singling out one of my female friends, everything she said, he disagreed with. He shouted at her, called her a liar when she was telling us a work story. The only way I can describe it, was that he was picking on her, bullying her even. It was awful.
I decided enough was enough and I would take him home. When we stood up he knocked my friends drink over and it went all over her bag, she said something to him like 'thanks for that' or similar so he threw his own drink over her.
I apologied, I was so embarrased I told him we were going. He refused to give me the car keys and was really shouting at me.
I walked out the pub and he was pushing me, over and over, every time ~I tried to move past him he would shove me and then pin me up against the wall/shops on the high street.
He threw the car keys at me and was shouting in my face and pointing in my face that he'd done nothing wrong and I was the one being a bitch.
He continued to push me and shove me through town. At one point a couple stopped their car and asked if I was ok.
We eventually got to our car and I drove us home, we shouted at each other all the way home. He was blaming me for his awful night. Every time I tried to explain what he'd done he was just flat out denying it, saying I was making it up.
We got close to our house and he was shouting at me still and jabbing his finger in my face while shouting so I stopped the car and told him to get out. He refused to leave the car so I got out and started walking home. He ran after me and again the shoving and pushing started. For the first time ever, I was actually scared he might hit me so I kicked him as hard as I could and ran back to our car, he chased me and as I was climbing in the car he slammed the door on my leg.
Luckily he then stormed off down the road so I drove home and went straight to bed.
He came up in the morning and apologied for shouting and pushing me but is saying he doesnt remember most of the night and only remembers pushing me once outside the pub.

I dont know what to do. This is so unbelievably out of character. He has never been physical with me before.
I do believe he is sorry and I believe him when he says it'll never happen again.
Luckily, he only drinks 3 or 4 times a year so he's saying he just wont drink at all now.

The thing is, I cant change the fact it has happened. I never thought I would ever accept being treated like that, but I cant end my marriage over one drunken night!
I need some advice.

Sorry thats so long!

I'm just going to throw this out there; is it possible given his previously very good form that there was a medical reason for unexplained violent behaviour? Diabetes maybe? I had a good friend who one day went around insulting everyone who crossed his path. A few days afterwards he collapsed and was diagnosed with diabetes, the awful day had been a symptom.

Could you persuade him to see the GP to rule this out?

Recently, we haven't been getting on too well...We had a big heart to heart and cleared the air and things were going well again
You sure about that? Maybe he doesn't feel the same deep down.

DH is either a happy drunk or an aggresive, angry drunk. He has never been violent, just really unpleasant.
He has form then. The only difference is he's ramped it up. As an aside, and playing devil's advocate for a minute, does he always drink the same stuff and, if not, have you noticed his mood depends on what he's been drinking? Only I've heard people say they are fine with wine but turn nasty on whiskey for example.

He didn't just push you away one time, at the apex of a mutual fight, which would feel different to me (right or wrong of me).
Instead he was aggressive, goading, and violent to you, and your friends, and strangers for most of an evening!

One day he will punch someone, really do some damage, and end up in prison. Or he'll get into a fight when he's drunk and someone will really hurt him.
Make sure it isn't anything to do with you when that happens. You've surely got to leave him. He could kill you one day, I really believe that.

That is a horrible situation.I would take the space you need to be work out whats right for you. His behaviour was disgusting and unacceptable. It was one night. If he promises to never drink again and understands the magnitude of what he has done then it may be possible for you to move forward. Before I get flamed I do not think that violence towards women is ever to be tolerated but think OP needs to take the time to work out what she wants.

Hi everyone. Thanks again for all of your advice.
I've had a long talk with DH tonight and I've asked him to leave.
He said I have every right to be mad and he will leave in the morning.
He said he will do what ever it takes to make it up to me.
I've told him that he's crossed a line that he can't ever come back from and I need some space and time away from him.

I've spoken to my friend and she, rightly so, doesn't want anything to do with DH again. He'd never even met her before that night, which is even worse!

My leg is fine. I have a bruise but luckily I was wearing think furry winter boots so no real damage.

He said he's disgusted with himself and his behaviour is inexcusable.

He's always been clingy. He has a constant need for attention that he puts down to loving me so much. I find this attitude irritating and I'm always telling him to back off. He thinks I'm the weird one for not wanted to be close to him all the time.

I just wanted to update quickly before going to bed.

Thanks again everyone.

good for you and for your dcc, op. Get support and counselling so you do not allow him back into your lives.

Fair play misery. You must feel crap. I admire you hugely and your dc will benefit massively. You deserve better.

He must have behaved dreadfully for your friend to say that-some of my friends dh have behaved abysmally but I will still speak to them because it was not that bad. Big unmn hugs.

I admire your courage and resolve OP.
Sleep well.

So sorry this has happened to you, OP, but am glad you asked him to go. I know that feeling of the violence out of the blue and then feeling sorry for my abuser afterwards and giving him another chance. The worst mistake I ever made.

Well done, Misery.

He has a constant need for attention that he puts down to loving me so much.

That is not love, that is possessiveness and is a massive red flag for the abusive behaviour you were subject to on Christmas Eve.

He thinks you're "weird" for not happily submitting to his control.

You are not.

Thank you for letting us know how you're getting on and I am glad your leg is okay-ish.

Tbh the clingyness would be as big a turn off for me as the violence - obviously neither is good, but it speaks of far deeper issues and actually often being clingy as an adult is a marker of someone who is resentful of not being given enough love or attention, and can mean that they are very angry deep down.

Nothing to do with you - it's most likely from his childhood. Issues like that don't go away with a bit of counselling - they tend to take years of dedicated work to get shot of. With proper therapy.

Your talking to him about it and trying to get him to stop it won't work, and as you have found, it can result in a huge backlash. (this is my opinion only as an amateur psych - I could be wrong - but it seems quite a correlation in events)

It's not your fault - like with alcoholism, you didn't cause it, you can't control it and you can't make him change.

He has some very deep issues and even if he doesn't want to be like that, it will take him several years at least to actually remove these behaviours from himself, with the help of someone who has the right training.

I am glad you are telling him to leave and that he is (superficially at least) accepting that - somewhere along the line he has learned that getting this mythical level of attention he seeks (which is NOT normal) won't happen if he loses his shit, and that's why you're getting the self deprecation and apologising.

It doesn't mean he can change. He doesn't even know how.

There is a chance that if he really, really wants to, he could get rid of these behaviours, which are most likely linked, and establish a sort of normality without needing so much from you and transferring all these emotions into his relationship with you - but as I said it will take a really long time and during that time you will need not to be in a relationship, for your own safety.

Good luck whichever path you take.

Good luck to you. I think you've dodged a bullet and he's done you a favour by revealing his true colours. I wouldn't be surprised if now, you have light bulb moments where you realise all the needy, unacceptable things he's done during the past.

I've never really seen him as controlling before but now, I see that he has been trying to control me with his obsessive behaviour towards me.
We've almost split up before because I expects so much from me and whenever his becomes really clingy and childlike I back away from him as I find it a total turn off.
He'll usually cry and tell me how hurtful I am and that he's not asking for much, just some attention every now and again.
Up until 3 weeks ago, he wouldn't allow us to go to bed a separate times, he thinks a husband and wife should always go to bed together - WTAF?
I finally put my foot down and told him it's not normal and that I'd like to go to bed alone sometime to read or whatever. He begrudgingly agreed.
Ive always thought of him as a bit of a child.
I don't know if he can change. At this point, I don't care. He needs to do it for himself - not for me.

I'm so glad your leg is only bruised - thank goodness you were wearing sturdy boots. I think you're being very sensible asking him to leave. I'd recommend photographing your leg though in case either he or you find yourselves minimising what's happened.

I'd also echo Pipistrella in saying that clinginess and neediness is not about love for you, but reassurance for him, and an issue he will need a lot of work on.

Good luck OP.

Thank goodness Misery, you're well rid by the sounds of it. It also sounds like he's always had issues simmering under the surface and it's no surprise the alcohol relaxed his social constraints and allowed them to manifest in such an appallingly abusive fashion.

Thank God you didn't take on the usual mindset of "I can help him" or "I can change him" and become further entangled in one big mess of a relationship! Well done for nipping it in the bud now and not hanging about any longer

This is the thing - you think it's out of the blue but slowly you begin to realise what you thought was a normal relationship was, in fact, not. :(

This stood out to me: "He then tried picking up the landlords dog and it nipped him so he started shouting about kicking the dog, so again, I had to ask him to calm down."

In a normal relationship you wouldn't consider that a reason to ask him to calm down or consider it an ordinary reaction. You'd be saying WTF is wrong with you, DH, you're scaring me.

This is quite alarming reading, at least I found it alarming, when I found a lot of that list normal!

Yes it does sound as though he has some super deep seated issues around relationships

perhaps he was neglected when he was little, or something like that - he's transferring all his rage about that, onto you. Essentially, you've turned into his mum, in his mind. Which obviously doesn't make for a healthy relationship between two adults.

He doesn't sound like he is very advanced in terms of insight, knowledge of how a good relationship works - ie his model of relationships is highly dysfunctional. It's a shame, he might seem lovely in other ways, but you're right in thinking that underneath it all is a big grown up child who is actually VERY pissed off that he can't control someone whom he's substituted for an inadequate parent somewhere in his past.

he is very angry with you, and will remain so for a while. I think it would be good for you to read up on how to leave a man like this so that you stay safe - he might flip once he realises you're actually serious about it, and that he can't wheedle you round to letting him back in.

Your best hope is sadly that he fixates on another woman instead of you. If not, you're probably going to stay the baddie in his mind until he finds someone else to dysfunctionally attach to.

Start with

this

especially the bit about detaching yourself.

Keep posting if you find it helps - we are all rooting for you.

Oh and again - it's not your fault. The anger I mean. He's blaming you and will do so for everything, I expect, once he sees you aren't going to forgive and forget. He'll turn from 'of course you are angry, shall I leave?' to 'you effing ..... it's all your fault, you never loved me' bla bla bla

Don't feel sorry for him, many people have had bad childhoods, have deep seated issues and don't get violent about it. They seek therapy or get depressed. He's turned into an aggressive git. And even if it is sad, and he might be nice 'if only'...that doesn't mean it will go away if you stay with him. It won't.

It's all falling into place now isn't it?
He's very controlling and emotionally manipulative. You started to pull away from his control so he punished you for it.

I'm feeling quite guilty this morning.
He's somehow managing to make me feel sorry for him.
He's not even saying anything to make me feel like that!
I can't wait for him to be gone and then I'll be able to breathe.
He's packing his bags.

You're doing the right thing. You need space and some time. Stay strong.

People like him often have huge unmet emotional needs stemming from childhood. It doesn't mean they necessarily had an abusive childhood but often thei attachment needs were not fully met.
As such they develop anxious attachments to partners in adulthood and feel panicky or rejected if their needs are not met. That s nose of rejection can lead to anger which leads to abuse (as you have discovered)
People like this are also very good at finding people to meet their needs, by choosing partners who are very caring and often have low self esteem so they are easier to rope in to the habit of soothing their ego and making them feel good.
Does that sound like you? The other thing that categorises relationships like this is a codependent dynamic whereby the caregiver takes on a sense of responsibility for the careneeder 's feelings. So if he's sad, you feel bad and want to make it better, even if he's sad because he fucked up. Does that sound like you as well?
I guess I'm m trying to say this is a known and recognisable pattern and you're not wrong for feeling that way, but you must recognise it and manage it appropriately.

Fgs don't weaken. You need him gone and to stay gone.

I wouldn't say I have low self esteem but maybe?
I do feel the need to make sure everyone is ok. If he feels bad I feel bad even if its him that has fucked up!
I've enabled his behaviour.