DH pushed me... not sure how i feel.

[MiseryBusiness]

DH and I have been married 8 years. Ususally, we get along fine and have a good marriage.
We've had our ups and downs but we've managed to get through them.
Recently, we haven't been getting on too well. This is down to me, more than him.
I've been feeling a bit suffocated by his constant need for attention and I had been backing away a little. We had a big heart to heart and cleared the air and things were going well again.
On Xmas eve eve. DH went out drinking with a friend. We had a babysitter so I went out with some of my friends and met with him later in the night.
When we met up, he was clearly very drunk.
DH is either a happy drunk or an aggresive, angry drunk. He has never been violent, just really unpleasant.
When he walked into the pub, the barman made an offhand comment - not sure what it was but I think it was a joke of some sort. DH threatened to beat him up so I came over and told him to calm down.
He then tried picking up the landlords dog and it nipped him so he started shouting about kicking the dog, so again, I had to ask him to calm down.
He came a sat down and started singling out one of my female friends, everything she said, he disagreed with. He shouted at her, called her a liar when she was telling us a work story. The only way I can describe it, was that he was picking on her, bullying her even. It was awful.
I decided enough was enough and I would take him home. When we stood up he knocked my friends drink over and it went all over her bag, she said something to him like 'thanks for that' or similar so he threw his own drink over her.
I apologied, I was so embarrased I told him we were going. He refused to give me the car keys and was really shouting at me.
I walked out the pub and he was pushing me, over and over, every time ~I tried to move past him he would shove me and then pin me up against the wall/shops on the high street.
He threw the car keys at me and was shouting in my face and pointing in my face that he'd done nothing wrong and I was the one being a bitch.
He continued to push me and shove me through town. At one point a couple stopped their car and asked if I was ok.
We eventually got to our car and I drove us home, we shouted at each other all the way home. He was blaming me for his awful night. Every time I tried to explain what he'd done he was just flat out denying it, saying I was making it up.
We got close to our house and he was shouting at me still and jabbing his finger in my face while shouting so I stopped the car and told him to get out. He refused to leave the car so I got out and started walking home. He ran after me and again the shoving and pushing started. For the first time ever, I was actually scared he might hit me so I kicked him as hard as I could and ran back to our car, he chased me and as I was climbing in the car he slammed the door on my leg.
Luckily he then stormed off down the road so I drove home and went straight to bed.
He came up in the morning and apologied for shouting and pushing me but is saying he doesnt remember most of the night and only remembers pushing me once outside the pub.

I dont know what to do. This is so unbelievably out of character. He has never been physical with me before.
I do believe he is sorry and I believe him when he says it'll never happen again.
Luckily, he only drinks 3 or 4 times a year so he's saying he just wont drink at all now.

The thing is, I cant change the fact it has happened. I never thought I would ever accept being treated like that, but I cant end my marriage over one drunken night!
I need some advice.

Sorry thats so long!

But he didn't just push you OP.

And it wasn't just you - he was bullying your friend and threw a drink over someone.

Plus next time he might kill you.

So it's taken 8 years for you to find out what he's really like. It happens.

You are minimising.

I am a bloke, maybe old fashioned but:

Rule 1. Never, ever, ever push/hit a woman, never.

Rule 2. If your partner, whatever sex, is a complete arshehole, LTB

I'm so angry and embarrassed and sad at the same time, I really don't know what to think.
Where is that bloody time machine.
I don't want to bury my head in the sand. I want him to understand that I won't tolerate that kind of treatment but there is no way to do that and stay married to him, is there?

No, there isn't. Not unless it can be explained away by some sort of brain disorder that's attacked his faculties of late.

I'm so sorry, it's an awful shock but yes everything does have to change.

Thinking of practicalities, who owns the house? Is it in both names?

don't be embarrassed. You can bet that if you leave, you will have massive kudos from everyone who knows about it, for doing so.

Be that person, not the one everyone feels sorry for/doesn't invite to things any more in case he comes along too.

OP, being honest how long did the assault last for? Because reading your first post it sounds like it was at least an hour of highly aggressive and abusive behaviour which is just flat out shocking.

If he had shoved you once in anger and then been massively contrite and apologetic then I'd still think you had fair reason to ask him to leave the house but this: I walked out the pub and he was pushing me, over and over, every time I tried to move past him he would shove me and then pin me up against the wall/shops on the high street. He continued to push me and shove me through town. At one point a couple stopped their car and asked if I was ok. is a sustained period of abuse that didn't once shock him into thinking "what the hell am I doing?"

As for pretending he doesn't remember, I'd say he's playing the daft laddie there but even if he truly doesn't then it is no excuse for his behaviour and I'd be considering reporting it to 101 so they have a log of his actions and your injuries.

It wasn't the first time, you said he could be aggressive when drunk, so he has form.
This time he's alienated your friends, they're not going to be too quick to ask to meet up again, are they? And you need their support, now.
Don't brush it under the carpet op, he's not going to change any time soon.

We rent privately so no house to split etc.
He works away from home all week too but is currently on leave so is home until January.
What a mess.
I keep thinking that we've built a life together for 8 years and it's all just gone down the toilet in one night.

It's funny how drunks hardly ever remember being violent the next day. If he'd been happy and singing I bet he'd have no trouble remembering that...

I'd worry that this is how he is underneath the social veneer. For instance, he clearly doesn't like the friend he was shouting at and throwing his drink at. Whether she accepts his apology or not, she'll know he dislikes her.

If you stay, make it very clear that he's on his last chance, and that means no more drinking at all. Let him leave for a few days, see if you prefer being at home without him.

I want him to understand that I won't tolerate that kind of treatment but there is no way to do that and stay married to him, is there?

I think if he accepts how bad his behaviour was, and comes up with an action plan off his own bat of how he's going to change and ensure this can never happen again, and beg your forgiveness - I'd consider making it just a trial separation (for at least 6 months) rather than an immediate divorce.

But those actions have to come from him. You can't say "I'll consider staying if you agree to stop drinking and attend AA meetings and go to the GP to be referred for anger management counselling" - the impetus has to come from him, otherwise he'll just agree to it to get you to stay, and it'll be a box ticking exercise.

Tell him it's over, and mean it. Then see what he does. If he isn't prepared to accept how utterly unacceptable his behaviour was, and make any amends necessary, then the marriage is doomed anyway.

I'm only saying this, btw, because you've said it's totally out of character. If there was a pattern of previous behaviour which had escalated to this, then I'd be saying leave and stay left.

It's not the first time though, is it? In your op you say he can be aggressive when drunk, so his behaviour has got worse - I doubt it's suddenly going to get better again. I don't think you have any choice but to get rid

He has some sort of intolerance to alcohol by the sounds of it, unless there are behaviours that you describe he does when drunk, in your everyday life.
If he's willing to leave you on your own so you can have space to consider the next steps, id take him up on it. He needs to take responsibility for his own behaviour and if he truly does have a massive intolerance to alcohol, he needs to work out what that means for his future.
Good luck- remember that most people will be shocked to read what you have put and will react accordingly- but ultimately only you know the full scale of what has happened and how it makes you feel.

I don't really think lack of memory makes any difference because his behaviour was so utterly reprehensible but I do think it's plausible that he doesn't remember much about the evening if he was really drunk. Lack of memory doesn't negate what happened.

OP - are you struggling because you actively want to stay with him and feel he's put you in an impossible position with his drunken aggression, or because you feel guilty about leaving him. You say you've had your ups and downs and have pulled back recently because of his sober behaviour...

Yes processing it all will take you some time, that's alright, it's very hard to accept even if there have been signs before. This is perhaps the first time he has crossed your personal line in such a big way.

But there has been a gradual build up I imagine - things that were difficult, but didn't cross the line. Things you could cope with.

If you look back you will see he has probably been almost grooming you until he reached this point. It's like the frog in the pan of water - you put it in when the water is cool and it doesn't jump out because it's only warming up gradually. Degree by degree.

I don't mean he has cynically planned this. But it didn't come out of the blue. He now realises he has crossed the line and that will affect how he behaves in the aftermath.

I would call his bluff and say yes, you have to leave.

It's not throwing away 8 years, because of one night. It's been building up to this, is what I mean. You just didn't know how far it would go.

It really is very simple.

If you can find any reason why you want to stay with him then get on the phone to AA now and make it a condition of you staying together that he goes on one of their courses or sees some sort of psychiatrist.

This isn't not only right his behavior but it is apparent that the way he looses it it will come to pass that he'll go too far one time and cause you serious damage.

If he can't or won't do the above then for your safety the divorce solicitor is thataway! --->

And bloody run!

Intolerance to alcohol makes it sound like an allergy or something. What happened was he got pissed and lost his inhibitions. It's not an intolerance. It's what happens with alcohol.

First of all, I hope you are ok op. This must have all been a horrible shock.

I disagree completely with people that say alcohol doesn't change who you are. I am unfortunately one of the people who becomes someone else entirely, on occasion if I drink too much. I have never been violent but I am evil with my tongue, verbally abusive doesn't even cover it and I don't remember it either. That is exactly why I don't drink any alcohol ever.

I'm so ashamed that my friends and family ever saw me like that. I am quiet, shy and reserved without a drink in me and would never ever hurt another's feelings deliberately. I can become the devil on booze. It's only happened a few times in my life but once I realised the gravity of the situation I couldn't risk ever becoming like that again. I'm still mortified when I think of the things people have told me I said and did.

The fact is though your dh was violent. He may not realise the seriousness of what he did if he truly can't remember. I think you need to make sure you are safe and have some distance. If he genuinely stops drinking then you can possibly save your marriage but the chances are that his behaviour will escalate next time he drinks, he could kill you. Do you want to walk on eggshells every time he goes out with his mates, wondering if this is the time that he will be talked into a few pints?

I have done a lot of research, which seems to suggest it's the ether in the booze that is processed differently in some people. (Sorry I can't remember the exact science). I hate being the only non drinker on nights out but it beats being the one no one is speaking to the next day hands down. But I take it incredibly seriously and I know that even years later, an alcoholic drink is never ever going going to pass my lips again. I hope your dh can see that it's the only way forward too.

What has he done / said in the past when drunk?

So as well as publicly assaulting you he threatened the bar staff, an animal, berated one friend and threw a drink over another? (That was violent too).

And you've not even agreed that he should leave temporarily? surely that'd be sensible?

If he really doesn't remember, he will not realise how bad it was and will undoubtedly minimise it and suggest you are overreacting. Do you have dc? I could not forgive and forget this level of abuse.

He sounds vile whwn drunk. I agree with pp, if this is genuinely out of character for him then I would want time apart but agree to move forward on the condition he never drank again. He obviously can't control himself and the way he treat everybody is disgusting.

My ex was very similar, glad he's an ex now tbh.

What do you get out of this relationship now?. Think about that question now long and hard.

Re your comment:-
"I keep thinking that we've built a life together for 8 years and it's all just gone down the toilet in one night"

Yes that is what has happened here and he did that by his actions. His behaviour impacted on all those around him who were unfortunate enough to cross his path.

It could easily happen again and I would agree with a respondent that this has been building up now for some time.

Why do you think he has constantly needed attention; why is he so needy?.

You are not responsible for those actions of his either yesterday or throughout this relationship. I am surprised frankly that you have not seemingly reported him to the police. What is the state of your leg now?. All this should be logged and reported.

Do not get bogged down either in this frankly daft "throwing it all away" nonsense when it comes to relationships. This is the sunken costs fallacy and it does affect relationships causing people to continue to remain in bad relationships.

It is also not your role here to phone AA for him or make any arrangements for him to see any psychiatrist. Anything like this need to come from him and he alone because familial coercion (and he will see it as such) does not work.

This was a sustained, prolonged physical onslaught. On top of verbally aggressive behaviour towards people and animals. There is something deeply awry there.

Don't stick around to find out how much worse it can get.

Bloody hell Op. That sounds awful. He slammed the door on your leg. I hope you are OK. That's a he'll of an assault from anyone. But your dh. That's a lot to cope with.

The advice about AA was good. Maybe tell someone else who was there what happened too and talk it through.

It's not top priority but the friend who got a drink in the face needs a phone call or some flowers. Preferably from dh.

I would seriously think hard about leaving.

Be kind to yourself Op. It's traumatic to go through something like that.