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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Totally ruined my Christmas

481 replies

Clarkey2345 · 28/12/2015 14:35

Well as always he ruined my Christmas i spent half hour with our children on christmas morning and didn't get to see my children open there presents because he wasent ready to go and see them after seeing our children we went to his parents house to have Christmas dinner and was there over an hour, then after dinner we went home and he spent the rest of rob night sleeping as usual when i could have been down with my kids watching them playing with there toys and having fun he also said i am ungrateful because he bought me a very expensive phone for Christmas and all i spent was £20 on him for presents.
He also keeps on at me all the time for sex and when i said no he gets angry and says pack your things are f**k off down your mothers house, yet if i tried to leave he would stop me so why tell me to leave in the first place????

OP posts:
tsonlyme · 28/12/2015 17:22

Is he on the sex offenders register? Is that why your children can't live in the same house as him?

You've had some great advice here and on your previous thread, please act on it, I know it's very difficult to make that first leap (have done it myself many moons ago) but the relief is immense and makes it all worth it.

Original poster
Clarkey2345 · 28/12/2015 17:22

Hi ImTheChristmas like i said chatting with Womans aid will help me get the right advice about leaving safely

OP posts:
Original poster
Clarkey2345 · 28/12/2015 17:25

Hi Lookatyourwatchnow unless you are in my relationship which is domestic abuse relationship then how can you call me selfish

OP posts:
Shutthatdoor · 28/12/2015 17:26

Obviously there was something seriously wrong for the DC's to be removed and if the father is allowed access, it can't be all about him?

OP has admitted it isn't all about him, but won't say what else.

Original poster
Clarkey2345 · 28/12/2015 17:27

Hi Bubbles no there aren't any court orders stopping me from staying with my parents.

OP posts:
Enoughalreadyyou · 28/12/2015 17:28

You are in denial OP which comes in very handy.

MistressMerryWeather · 28/12/2015 17:28

Clarkey, this is heartbreaking. You have completely lost the run of yourself.

It's like you are waiting for WAs permission to leave.

What would happen if you rang a taxi right now, went to your parents house and told them that you has left him?

You could ring the police while you are there and explain what has happened and the fact that he has threatened you and your family if you leave.

They will help you.

Enoughalreadyyou · 28/12/2015 17:29

I'm out of this mess.

Jibberjabberjooo · 28/12/2015 17:30

Every post you makes just says you're going to 'chat' to WA. As if you're meeting someone for coffee.

I have no idea why you won't go to the police about these threats. Do you really think about four years your dc are going to easily adjust to being with you?

LIZS · 28/12/2015 17:36

Would your Df, or another male relative, assist you moving out. You don't have to admit dv, just say you've had enough. Bet he isn't as threatening then. However I fear you may/may not ring wa etc and may even listen to their advice but not hear it kept alone act.

If you go out you don't have to say where you are and even if he realises he won't be able to find you quickly. Check that phone to disable any locator software or use your old one.

Original poster
Clarkey2345 · 28/12/2015 17:36

Hi TripTrap no i will be phoning them and getting a safety plan in place and possibly help with housing aswell to see if they can move me somewhere he doesn't know.

OP posts:
Quornmakesmefart · 28/12/2015 17:37

Please op can you answer as to why you cannot just walk out of the door NOW?

user7755 · 28/12/2015 17:38

OP, what do you want from this thread?

You have had lots of advice, many questions from people to try and understand the situation and be able to help you more effectively but have responded to every post with 'I'm going to speak to WA'

I notice that there was a very similar pattern in your previous thread - it's hard to work out what you actually want.

user7755 · 28/12/2015 17:38

OP, what do you want from this thread?

You have had lots of advice, many questions from people to try and understand the situation and be able to help you more effectively but have responded to every post with 'I'm going to speak to WA'

I notice that there was a very similar pattern in your previous thread - it's hard to work out what you actually want.

Original poster
Clarkey2345 · 28/12/2015 17:40

Hi LIZS soon as i have got all the information on leaving safely that i need then i can take that step to leaving him and that will be soon as once i am away from him he cannot control me anymore

OP posts:
TripTrapTripTrapOverTheBridge · 28/12/2015 17:40

What is the point of this thread Clarkey ?

You clearly don't want advice and clearly don't give a shit all you want to do is tell us over and over again that you will, once again, talk to WA. Then say the same the following day.

What exactly is the bloody point?

As said earlier, you are taking the pee

wannabestressfree · 28/12/2015 17:40

Your not in a 'domestic violence relationship'. He has threatened your family. Not the same thing.
You are selfish.
You are not prioritising your children. Both your children.
Leave them be. They sound far better off where they are.
Couldn't even go Christmas day?.

TripTrapTripTrapOverTheBridge · 28/12/2015 17:41

He can only control you now if YOU choose to allow him to. You have talked to womens aid before...

2015nearlyover · 28/12/2015 17:41

Clarkey, your children are still young and there's time for you to do the right thing by them and actually make the move to leave this relationship. I'm a long term foster carer and have looked after several different sets of children whose mothers put their abusive partners first, before the needs of the children. As your children get older they will realise what's going on and will become angry with you for not putting them first. I've seen if over and over again with teenage children whose mothers stay in this situation. Pick up the phone to the police and get the hell out. Right now.

lorelei9 · 28/12/2015 17:43

Clarkey, when he is violent to you, what do you do? Are you too scared of him to call the police?

whitershadeofpale · 28/12/2015 17:44

Being in a DV relationship and being selfish aren't mutually exclusive OP.

No one deserves abuse in their life but you are insisting on continuing the cycle by abusing your children through neglect. You need to own up to why your children aren't with you, stop blaming it all on your vile partner (when you've acknowledged the reasons you don't have your children aren't only him), call the police and LEAVE.

Your children deserve to know that that they had one parent who tried to put them first for once.

MistressMerryWeather · 28/12/2015 17:45

Why can't you go stay on your parents sofa for the time being?

You can chat to womens aid from there. In the meantime the police are just a phone call away.

Quornmakesmefart · 28/12/2015 17:49

op at risk of sounding like a broken record, why can't you leave right now?

Why are you choosing to spend another day with this man rather than your children and family?

TheSecondViola · 28/12/2015 17:54

Op, all you ever do is chat to women's aid. You won't leave him because you want to keep your dog, ffs your child was removed from you at birth and your main concern is the DOG?
You say there is no room at your parents then you say there is but you don't want to go there. You say you're in a DV relationship but that he hasn't actually been violent for years. You say your parents don't know anything about his behavior but you won't say why they have your children; it must be something very bad to have an at birth removal.
You could up and walk out of the door now and go to your children, but you don't and you won't. You choose not to. You choose him over your children. You choose this life.
Endless "chatting" about women's aid isn't doing anything. Leave the bloody dog and go be a mother. Or stay with your man, its your choice.

MumOnTheRunCatchingUp · 28/12/2015 17:56

Look op... I have been there.... Many of us on this thread have

You do realise that most of them make threats like this don't you? It's part of their plan..... And it's working isn't it?

Get on the phone to womens aid
Sort your dogs
Get your paperwork and essentials ( maybe leave at your parents til you are ready to go)
Don't tell him your plans..... When I left I waited til he was at work, went to prearranged meeting point, and was picked up and taken to the hostel

THEN you can text to tell him it's over. Womens aid can inform the police he may cause trouble at your parents. They may ask for an alarm to be in place for them or for their number to take priority for a while

Then block his number or get a new one