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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Totally ruined my Christmas

481 replies

Clarkey2345 · 28/12/2015 14:35

Well as always he ruined my Christmas i spent half hour with our children on christmas morning and didn't get to see my children open there presents because he wasent ready to go and see them after seeing our children we went to his parents house to have Christmas dinner and was there over an hour, then after dinner we went home and he spent the rest of rob night sleeping as usual when i could have been down with my kids watching them playing with there toys and having fun he also said i am ungrateful because he bought me a very expensive phone for Christmas and all i spent was £20 on him for presents.
He also keeps on at me all the time for sex and when i said no he gets angry and says pack your things are f**k off down your mothers house, yet if i tried to leave he would stop me so why tell me to leave in the first place????

OP posts:
Original poster
Clarkey2345 · 28/12/2015 16:45

Hi Twofalls yes i am going to chat with Womans aid again today and tell them i really need to get out of this relationship now

OP posts:
GColdtimer · 28/12/2015 16:45

Why not? They already have your children so must realise life has not exactly gone to plan for you. And I am sure they have already worked out you are in an abusive relationship.

You cannot get out of this without them knowing so you either want out or you don't.

Original poster
Clarkey2345 · 28/12/2015 16:46

Hi Quorn yes they would be fine with me staying with them but i don't want to be there so he can come and cause trouble

OP posts:
Parker231 · 28/12/2015 16:46

You keep saying that you are going to ring Women's Aid today but why haven't you? Your plan for today should be (1) go to make a police report (2) make enquires at Women's Aid and (3) go and stay at your parents and let them know what has been happening

Hissy · 28/12/2015 16:46

Call. The. Police.

And yes, of course your family know you are being abused.

You not telling them that they are at risk is very wrong.

trufflehunterthebadger · 28/12/2015 16:47
  • why do you need to wait until tonight to "chat" to WA ? sounds to me like procrastination
  • call the police. report the threats. hopefully there should be enough to warrant arresting him which will give you time to pack a bag and get to your parents. i've been in the police for 12 years, 8 years of which was spent supporting DV victims. there is LOADS of support out there if you engage. An Independant Domestic Violence Advisor will help you with all the practicals of getting your life on track
  • it's highly unlikely that he will make good on his threat to hurt your family. he doesnt need to - the threat has been enough to get you to comply
  • good luck. i know how difficult it is for women to leave. but i would like to share a story of a young victim i supported last year, whose case went to crown court. her horrible partner pushed her downstairs, tried to strangle her. she ran down the street in her knickers with no shoes to get away, she was pregnant. she split from him, has her own home now free of violence and drugs, a job as a trainee florist. she left and never looked back. that could be you x
Quornmakesmefart · 28/12/2015 16:47

X-posted op. The DV shouldn't be your 'secret'. The people that care about you need to know so they can help you. Don't you see that colluding with this man to keep it secret is helping to keep you trapped there? Tell your family, tell anybody who will listen. If everybody knows, he loses his power over you. The only person being helped by keeping it secret is him.

And I would bet your family have a pretty good idea of what is going on anyway.

TheCakeDiet · 28/12/2015 16:48

Clarkey

Whatever reason your parents think that they have your kids - drugs/alcohol/depression - whatever it is, they are not going to stop caring for them as long as you need to if you share your abuse with them.

I know you think that are stuck but you really aren't. You have two MASSIVE advantages:

  1. You are not married
  2. He is not interested in the kids.

I know you keep saying you are going to speak to Women's Aid, and that's great.

But you need to speak to the Police, your parents and your friends and MAKE THIS REAL. BEcause otherwise your children are going to grow up with out you. BEcause you didn't speak up.

Please don't let that happen.

Original poster
Clarkey2345 · 28/12/2015 16:48

Hi Twofalls i will be chatting with Womans aid and getting out of this relationship

OP posts:
ImtheChristmasCarcass · 28/12/2015 16:48

What 'other reasons'? I don't see what other reasons there can be. You say that your parents don't know there is abuse and that there are no mental health issues that might be a reason your parents have your children. IMO, that pretty much leaves drinking to excess, taking drugs in front of the children, or obvious neglect. If it's any of those, perhaps that explains why you are putting such a low priority on them.

As far as leaving, you're making excuses. Either you want to leave, in which case you pack a bag and sleep on your parent's floor because there is nothing in your house that's worth keeping enough to keep you there (including a dog). Or you'd rather just complain and stay where you are because it's 'easier'. The police are able to handle any 'threats' he makes. And don't think I haven't been there, because I have, so don't tell me that I don't understand.

Lookatyourwatchnow · 28/12/2015 16:48

OP, you have posted about your DP before and have been given helpful advice. However, I fear posters are wasting their time. Your children were removed from you as a result of their exposure to DV. You would have been given advice and offered support at that stage by children's services but clearly you prioritised your relationship with this man over your children and continue to do so years later. You know that your contact with the children would be more flexible and a higher frequency if you left him. But you have stayed. And stayed. I don't care if I get flamed, I think you're incredibly selfish.

Bubblesinthesummer · 28/12/2015 16:49

This may seem a strange question OP but are there any court orders or anything that stop you from staying at your parents as your children are there?

If not I don't know why you can't.

Quornmakesmefart · 28/12/2015 16:49

So tell the Police. Tell your Parents why you need to stay with them. Tell them about the threats. He is just one man. You can do this.

Philoslothy · 28/12/2015 16:49

You have been calling WA for months. I want to show understanding but you are the person who can change this and have all the time you want with your children. A ruined Christmas is the least of your concerns. Your parents must know about the abuse unless you have also been accused of harming your children and they think this is the reason that they have your children.

Waltermittythesequel · 28/12/2015 16:50

I will not saturate the thread with yet more advice since you have had wonderful advice but something isn't adding up here and I'll be honest; I am suspicious as to why you're being so evasive about your children not being in your care.

I truly hope you get away from this awful man. But I also hope that the dc are with people who can give them the best of care, whether that's your parents or fosters.

GColdtimer · 28/12/2015 16:51

Clarkey, honestly you are sounding like a broken record. You have not engaged with anyone on this thread other than to repeat the same thing.

Tell your parents, tell the police and leave.

TripTrapTripTrapOverTheBridge · 28/12/2015 16:51

I'll be honest, I'm trying very hard not to shout at you OP. Your posts are so casual, ignorant and annoying. Constant repetition. No signs of showing true knowledge and understanding of things.

Your kids don't live with you for other reasons ' but also him aswell' . Well stuff the 'also him as well', it's obviously more than him so own up to that one.

Everyone has given good advice. Stop calling people for a 'chat' and man the fuck up. Seriously, you can get out. Stop making excuses. Stop not contacting people.

If you were concerned about your family why the hell would you not let anyone know about the threats? Protect them and inform the bloody police.

Are you allowed to stay in the same home as your children, with supervision?

Youdontownme · 28/12/2015 16:53

Everyone is wasting their time, it's clear to me that from all her excuses, OP has absolutely no intention of leaving this fuckwit

Original poster
Clarkey2345 · 28/12/2015 16:53

Hi Parker231 i am going to speak to them today and get the help to get out of this abusive relationship and get my children back with me

OP posts:
Quornmakesmefart · 28/12/2015 16:54

Op please, is there any reason why you physically can't walk out now, head to the nearest police station and tell them everything?

trufflehunterthebadger · 28/12/2015 16:54

i don't want to be there so he can come and cause trouble

that is very simply dealt with. dont open the door and ring 999

Original poster
Clarkey2345 · 28/12/2015 16:54

Hi Hissy when i chat with Womans aid they will give me the right help and advice on how to leave the relationship

OP posts:
Original poster
Clarkey2345 · 28/12/2015 16:56

Hi Trufflehunter my partner is home from work so cannot chat to them when he is in the house

OP posts:
TripTrapTripTrapOverTheBridge · 28/12/2015 16:56

And will you say that same tomorrow Clarkey ? How long have your kids been in care (they may live with your parents but they are not allowed to live with you,so technically 'care', right?)

Lookatyourwatchnow · 28/12/2015 16:57

OP. 'Get my children back with me'. Really? You couldn't even prioritise SEEING them on Christmas Day. You won't even speak to the police. You show no insight into what children need from their parents. Good luck getting the children back!!!