Totally ruined my Christmas

[Clarkey2345]

Well as always he ruined my Christmas i spent half hour with our children on christmas morning and didn't get to see my children open there presents because he wasent ready to go and see them after seeing our children we went to his parents house to have Christmas dinner and was there over an hour, then after dinner we went home and he spent the rest of rob night sleeping as usual when i could have been down with my kids watching them playing with there toys and having fun he also said i am ungrateful because he bought me a very expensive phone for Christmas and all i spent was £20 on him for presents.
He also keeps on at me all the time for sex and when i said no he gets angry and says pack your things are f**k off down your mothers house, yet if i tried to leave he would stop me so why tell me to leave in the first place????

Why awful? You came here asking for advice, but you don't actually want any. It sounds like you need someone to tell you the truth, not just sympathise with you.

Clarkey, you spoke to women's aid tomorrow. You have a plan to get to them tomorrow. Where abouts in the country are you?
Please call police and tell them you are scared to leave as the threats for your family. Your family will be protected.
Ring them. See your children as much as you can. Please please show social care you love your baby's and Want to choose them over your boyfriend.

You need protection and then help to put yourself back on track. Abd you can do it.. First step is admitting it's happening. Please update us.

Yes some of the posts i have had on here are an awful way to speak to someone who is already in a domestic abuse relationship

Accept that isn't what you actually said. You actually accused people as being as bad as 'a domestic abuse person'

Hi Clarkey, I posted on another of your threads.

Yes, it is domestic abuse. I can see you are afraid, and I am not surprised. I would be too. You are finding it hard to think independently because he has controlled you for so long, but you are beginning to see that you have to get away.

Your fear is stopping you from being decisive about it. You are scared he will hurt you, and that he will hurt your family.

Think about it though.

You leave. You, maybe, shack up with your parents and children. OK there's no room, but there is another thread on MN where an abused woman has been living in her old bedroom at her parents', sharing that one room with her 3 children. They are obviously over-crowded, but she and the children are safe, and happy with her family around them. You can do that too.

So, he makes threats and that's enough to keep you obedient, because he has been violent towards you and if you give in to his threats then he doesn't hurt you physically.

If you turned up at your parents' house and asked to stay, would they turn you away?

If you leave and stay with your parents and your children, then if he turns up anywhere near the house, you call the police and they will deal with him. How can he hurt your family? If they see him, they can call the police, and again, they will deal with him.

You then find a lawyer who will help you get a non-molestation order which will keep him away from you and the children, and could include your parents too. So if he breaks it, you call the police and they will deal with him.

Clarkey. Your life is miserable. You have the opportunity to change that. Whenever he is out of the house, you could pack a bag and go. You could tell WA that you want help to get out. You could ring the police dv unit and ask for help.

It is your fear of what he might do that is stopping you; but if you do it, and if he tries to hurt any of you, you only have to call the police and they will deal with him.

Do it Clarkey. You can. Let all those people help you.

You also need to be truthful, to yourself if not on here then in rl, about the other reasons that your DC were removed.

You won't get them back without acknowledging and dealing with this.

No Clarkey, people were getting frustrated by your inaction and you repeating the same thing over and over. I saw my dsis after she was beaten black and blue by her "emotionally abusive" husband. 30 years in she still has to have injections because he hit her so hard her teeth were loosened in her gums. She nearly lost an eye. She didn't tell us till then. She didn't have the luxury then of a dv unit with the police, she left the house in the torn clothes he left her with and went into hiding with friends. If "Absolutely disgusting"words will save one more woman from that, then bring it on. If you don't then your children may end up with one living parent who is abusive. He is uttering threats against your family-they deserve to know. You deserve to live. Get out now.

OK, so how are you going to get to the WA office? Is it close to you? Is it walkable distance?
Did you PM the lady who offered to come and rehome your dog? You could have that sorted for tomorrow too, in fact she would probably drive you to the WA office.
You need to know that you can be ready to leave at any point, maybe even straight from the office, so do you have a bag with all your essential info in it - do you have bank cards/ money/etc. What are you going to do if he calls you when you are at the WA office - you need to have a story in your mind as to why you needed to go out if that would make it easier than not replying. Perhaps you had a terrible headache and there were no Ibruprofen in the house, for example (make sure you throw any away, just in case you DONT leave tomorrow)

In the morning before you go make a list of everything he does, and everything he has threatened to do. Make sure that you are taken seriously. Be ready to go there and then.

you have talked to them and done nothing, you state you can't do anything because he is home from work then you keep parroting you will be chatting to them today to get out. Why have you not done this on the many occasions you claim to have spoken to them before. This makes no sense.

I know someone else asked this but I couldn't see an answer- do you work at the moment OP? Do you have anyone at work you can talk to?

Hi Jux thanks for all the helpful and friendly advice i have been in this relationship for a number of years and with it being controlling and losing all my friends and children with my parents etc it's all just been hard and he has been very violent towards me in the past but not for a number of years but his threats are enough to frighten me and he knows that's, he knows he doesn't have to be violent towards me as long as i do as he wants for example i ask to go out with friends only to be told No

also Womens Aid will not jump into action unless you actually ask them to. They dont dive in offering to come and get you, you need to ask. Otherwise they will just chat through your options.

I need to go to they local office tomorrow to get a safety plan sorted and if i need it get somewhere safe to stay
Get there and don't leave, take what you need. You are there-you are out.

No i don't work at the moment

Surely women's aid will recommend reporting threats to the police and involving them to enable you to leave safely etc? I.E. what dozens of posters here have advised (and by some who have actually been through it). Sorry but I also don't know if you'll actually do anything. It's already been seven years?

It is possible the OP cannot stay at her parents bcause her own contact with the children is limited by the court to the brief, supervised access she has at present.

Of course if this is the case, Clarkey, it still does not stop you from leaving your own horrible situation.

Clarky

I'm not sure that posting on mumsnet is the best idea for you. Lots of posters really want to help you but it's difficult as it's online. You need to reach out and let people help you in real life. Woman's Aid, the police, and, hopefully your parents will all want to help you. Woman's Aid and the Police deal with cases like your all the time. They will know what to do and they will support you.

I'm sorry about the posters who are being impatient with you or rude to you but you have to understand they are just random people on the Internet. You should ignore them. I suspect that they don't realise that you are feeling extremely vulnerable at the moment. I obviously don't know but I wonder if you have some learning disabilities. I might well be wrong but I think it would be useful to know.

By the way Clarky I think it might be an idea for you to get this thread deleted. I am worried that your 'partner' might read it. Have a good read of the helpful and supportive comments and then ask MNHQ to delete the thread. I don't know if other posters think it's a good idea too.

Remember he may think and act like he is God in his house, making threats and keeping you scared. But he is a bully, and like all bullies he is probably a coward when it comes to the outside world. He isnt God to the Police. He is acting in a way that is actually illegal (or will be in about 8 days time) to control you, and he is not bigger than the law, however much he might like you to think that he is. You are not allowed to threaten people with violence.
do you have any of the threats on text/voicemail or are they all done in person. If you have any then actually you hold an awful lot of power that he doesnt know about, its evidence. And evidence that can actually keep you safe. Im not suggesting AT ALL that you confront him or tell him this, but take strength in knowing that his threats can be used against him to very quickly and very easily obtain enforcible orders to prevent him coming near you, or your family, or contacting you, or risking being prosecuted.

I will be going there tomorrow and asking for there help and hopefully get somewhere to stay and away from this domestic abuse relationship

OP, hope you do get somewhere safe to stay but what about your parents and DCs, and their safety, in view of your boyfriend's threats (which are why you have stayed with him for so long)?

You MUST tell your parents so they can report these threats to the police.

Why would you be embarrassed about being abused? What is your relationship with your parents like - they pick you up to take you to their house you said - so they are supportive?

Also wondering why you wouldn't just go to your parents seeing as your DC are there and you want to be a mother so much? You have said that you could stay there.

The threats will stand whether you are there or not won't they?

How do your parents feel about your boyfriend? They obviously allow him into their home as you said that he was with you when you were with the children on Christmas Day?

What about his parents, who you had dinner with? Where are they in all of this? Do they see their grandchildren?

Thanks to everyone who has been kind with friendly advice and i will have all the information i need tomorrow when going to the Womans aid local office

Good luck for tomorrow.

Clarkey I've only just skimmed through your posts.My DH is a Police Officer please believe me when I tell you that they will take it seriously and they will help you and so would the Womens Aid,I've helped two women escape DV relationships in the past with the help of the Womens Aid and they were amazing.

One of the women went onto report her husband to the Police after she got away and he went to prison for a very long time so as you can see threats,any violence,abuse of any kind including emotional and mental abuse are all treated very seriously.

What you need to understand is that this man is never going to change he will only get worse,the next time he hurts you it could be so bad that you end up in hospital or worse.Don't let this carry on anymore if you want do it for your sake do it for your childrens and your parents do you really want it to get so bad that one day they'd be having to say they're final Goodbye to you?

Hi LivingWithTheShadows his parents don't bother with our children and haven't really since we have been in a relationship and also they know how he treats me and has treated me in the past but they don't say anything about it to be honest.

The fact that your children have been taken from you means there is a formal, legal record of this man's abuse. That's a good thing in that it means the police, courts, social workers etc already know and have confirmation of the fact that he is a worthless piece of shit - some women stay with abusive men because the abusers are smart enough to keep the abuse entirely within the home and therefore the woman feels that the risk of leaving and having to allow the abuser unsupervised access to the children during contact time is too great. This is not true for you.
Also, this man has no interest in seeing his children - which does make me wonder why they were removed from your care if he was simply uninterested in them - so he is unlikely to pursue access/contact (though he wouldn't get it anyway).

If you have a drink or drug problem, then you can get help with that - and TBH getting rid of the abusive arsehole may be the biggest part of ending a drink/drug dependency as a lot of DV victims turn to drugs and drink as a way of blotting out the horrible reality of their lives with an abuser.

But nothing is going to happen until you act. You have to act. You can do it.

Thanks ontheholidays as said before yes i am going to my local Womans aid office tomorrow and get all the information i need on leaving the relationship