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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

DP just punched me - what should i do?

305 replies

zogzag · 28/12/2015 00:35

DP has a drink problem, although he won't admit it. He drinks every day, probably about 10 units. If I can get him to stop drinking it is only for a matter of a few days then he starts again.

Every so often, he gets really unpleasant and sometimes violent. He is probably violent about 2 or 3 times a year although the worst it has ever been before now is that he has slapped me once and pushed me once when I was pregnant hard enough to floor me.

I am not pregnant any more (I had the baby, was fine after he pushed me) and today he was moody again. We had a bit of an argument about what to watch on tv - a stupid argument that wasn't about anything serious and shouldn't make someone angry enough to get violent. Anyway, it started with him calling me a fucking bitch and pushing me out the way. I pushed back and then after he hit me with open hand I hit him back - I don't want to be some meek battered wife who lets her arsehole partner hit her and plays victim. So then he said 'go on then, hit me again', a couple of times, quite aggressively. So I punched him. And he punched me back, hard. I have a lump on the side of my face where he punched me and somehow, bleeding scratches on my hand. He has no marks on him (I guess I didn't hit him as hard as he hit me).

He claims he never hit me apart from the punch after I hit him unprovoked. This is absolutely not true - I have never hit him, ever, without being hit first. The worst I have ever done is push him away when he has been looming over me, shouting in my face. He says he doesn't feel safe around me and that I am not safe to look after our children (i am a sahm). I am aware he is gaslighting me.

I know this makes him sound awful. It doesn't happen often and we have 3 small children. Our relationship is generally good and I would say that apart from these episodes he is respectful of me. I think the violence is probably connected to the alcohol but he won't stop drinking. Please help - I don't know what to do. If this were happening to someone else I would say definitely ltb but it is not someone else... In the past have made our relationship continuing dependent on him cutting back on the alcohol but it never lasts long...

I need your advice - my children are young and it's a big deal to end things... it all looks very dysfunctional written down though.

OP posts:
MumOnTheRunCatchingUp · 28/12/2015 13:04

Where was he living before you met him op?

ChishandFips33 · 28/12/2015 13:18

his dad was a violent alcoholic and his mother an enabler
It's possible he recognises what he's doing but takes no responsibility for his action. He sees you as the enabler his mother was and is probably beginning to resent and blame you and that resentment can only grow.
He may actually thank you for intervening in the long term.
It's not only his behaviour that is escalating but yours too - you are becoming violent and that will solve nothing. There are other ways you can 'fight back' and make the outcome better for you and your children. You have the strength, you just need to draw on it. You can do this.
DV is now a recognised form of child abuse as the effects on children are deep and long lasting - your husband is evidence of this.
Like others, I'm not trying to scare you, we all just want better for you
Stay safe

coffeeisnectar · 28/12/2015 13:42

I think the op is minimising this and this morning is back to pretending it's a one off and won't happen again. And she will do nothing.

It's sad but no one can force her to do anything.

mum2mum99 · 28/12/2015 13:45

If she stops the denial, then she has got what it takes

Baressentials · 28/12/2015 13:56

op reminds me of my mum. I was 8. Mum minimised and excused - found all the reasons under the sun not to do anything. 8 years later it had escalated.
my beautiful mum, who was a social worker and worked in a childrens home for other abused children, still didnt do anything. ~it was always the money, he didn;t mean it, the shame. She took an overdose in the end and didn;t survive.
Mum wouldn't have believed that was how her life would end if someone had told her 8 years earlier. She would have said it wasn;t that bad, it was only a couple of times a year, us dc didn;t know. But us dc did know. It got worse and worse. We are still living with the results.
Come on lovey. This isn't what life is about. ~This isn't what we teach our children. ~You are worth more than this. Your children are worth more than this.

kittybiscuits · 28/12/2015 14:29

Bare that's just awful - I'm so sorry.

Baressentials · 28/12/2015 14:35

Don;t be sorry (but thankyou Flowers ) - I practically continued the cycle. Ended up with abusive men, felt I didn;t deserve to be loved still don't thought low level violence was normal, ~OP don't let your children grow up like that, don;t live out your life like that.
Short term it seems easier to stay where you are you and not rock the boat. I get that. But it really isn't. Make the change today. For all of you. Including him.

Original poster
zogzag · 28/12/2015 16:11

Thanks for all the supportive messages and the advice. Can't post much now but we have talked and he has agreed to go, although only when he has found somewhere to rent short term. He says he will keep out of my way till then. There is of course more to consider about his reaction, it was not violent but not ideal.

OP posts:
BastardGoDarkly · 28/12/2015 16:16

Oh lord op, you're not safe you know x

fidel1ne · 28/12/2015 16:29

zog if you've dropped the bombshell that you want him out but not yet GOT him out, you need to be careful, EXTREMELY careful.

Please let someone IRL know what is going on. Just one trusted person you can call if necessary. And try to get some essential belongings and documents (ID etc) together in a bag if you can. This could reignite tonight.

If it does PLEASE, PLEASE just dial 999 and think the detail through later.

fidel1ne · 28/12/2015 16:31

Can you tell us a bit about his 'not ideal' reaction to your conversation?

fidel1ne · 28/12/2015 16:33

999 is NOT a dramatic reaction or an over reaction to someone assaulting you, BTW. It is the entirely appropriate, rational and proportionate response.

notapizzaeater · 28/12/2015 16:40

Now the cats out the bag you need to be very careful.

JaneHair · 28/12/2015 16:42

And in the meantime, the bruises and scratches will heal leaving you with no evidence of his violence, and then funnily enough he will declare in a months time that it's been impossible to find anywhere to rent.

You need to contact your local police force and women's aid and get them to take photos. You also need to tell them about the time he slapped your child.

fidel1ne · 28/12/2015 16:46

FWIW, my GP documented bruises, scratches, swellings etc for me for MONTHS before I left. Didn't make a referral, didn't pressure or cajole, just did as I asked and made notes for possible later use.

BradfordMum · 28/12/2015 16:47

Please start putting together an emergency bag.
Passports, birth certificates, phone/charger, coins/notes, pj's, underwear and anything you will need if you need to get out ASAP.
Also write down phone numbers of trusted friends as your phone may go 'missing'.
I don't think everything will go as smoothly as you hope, so please be prepared. Lots of love x

fidel1ne · 28/12/2015 16:48

(And you don't even have to tell your GP who the attacker was)

Goingtobeawesome · 28/12/2015 16:49

Please can you have someone checking on you. I have read, now that you have said it is over and you want him out you are more at risk.

kittybiscuits · 28/12/2015 18:33

He's not going. You've agreed for him to stay and you have told him he's leaving. This is a very vulnerable position for you and no doubt his reaction will have made that clear to you. Please make sure your phone is charged and to hand at all times. Keep on shoes that you can leave the house in. Put as many notes as you can get your hands on in your bra. You may need to leave in a hurry.

Original poster
zogzag · 28/12/2015 19:10

I don't need an emergency bag, don't worry. I am not in immediate danger. Although I do think I will have a struggle making him leave.

OP posts:
BastardGoDarkly · 28/12/2015 19:12

Is he drinking tonight? How are you not scared?!

PhoenixReisling · 28/12/2015 19:18

Ermmmm you may not be in immediate danger NOW, but like the PP said what if he is drinking LATER...?

You need to call the police.

This situation IS damaging your children.

FriendofBill · 28/12/2015 19:21

You don't need to struggle making him leave, you could have him removed.

You seem so cool about having him in the house. If you can predict him so well, why were you in on the night you were to be punched in the head.

If SS knew what had happened you would be ordered to separate or the children would be removed.

You have a duty to care for and protect them. You are raising the next generation of domestic violence.

Oh OP. This is too heartbreaking.
Sad

kittybiscuits · 28/12/2015 19:24

You are way too comfortable with danger OP - said and meant kindly.

ArcticCactus · 28/12/2015 19:34

Op. If you won't call the police, please, please go to your GP and get your injuries documented.
I cannot state enough how important it is to have a paper trail. Your GP can record these injuries and you then have proof of what he did and when.

Please do it.