My marriage is over and my entire life has been taken away

[sosolow48]

Hi everyone. I hope no one minds a childless lady posting but these forums have been a lifesaver over the past few months, reading about similar experiences. In June this year my husband declared that his feelings had changed. We have been together for over 10 years and married for 4 1/2 years. June July and August were horrendous, as I got more distressed and emotional, he got more cold, distant and hard-faced. He then moved into a rented flat in September (an hour away), saying it was merely to give us space and that it was temporary. For a short spell in November he made it clear he 'could see us getting back together'. But I became aware as the weeks went on that he appeared to be happy with us getting together only once or twice a week. I was really uneasy and anxious but whenever I brought it up he would accuse me of 'pushing him'. Then after a series of events a few weekends ago, things came to a head and he declared although he had tried (?), his feelings hadn't come back and he no longer 'saw me in that way'. Needless to say the whole thing has brought me to my knees and I can barely function. I suspect there is someone else but can't know for sure (he denies it of course). I am now in a position where I have lost my marriage, my best friend, I can't afford to stay in my beloved home, and on top of all that, after leaving my job 2 years ago to start a little cleaning business with his blessing, in order to support myself living alone again I will have to begin job hunting in the New Year. Also our dog will have to be rehomed (although my Mum has said she will have him). Everything I have lost and all the changes and upheaval ahead of me are completely paralysing and I truly can't cope with it all. The only thing stopping me ending it all at the moment is a fear of it failing! Part of me knows that I will get through this but a large part of me truly doesn't have the mental or emotional strength to do so. The thought of starting again at 48, after I honestly thought I had found my happy ending, is agony. Sorry for such a long post but I hope someone can offer some words of wisdom.

him signing off work for 2 mths is a red flag, also the crying . Sounds as if he is building a case of some sort which wd help him-not you.

Anotherstitchintime - thank you for your post, he needs some kind of treatment but didn't persevere properly with anti-depressants so he is waiting for counselling. The awful thing is as far as me making my own decision, that part of me wants him to come over all decisive and say 'right let's make this work' but I know he won't. Therefore the only decision I can make is to move forward alone and I really wish I didn't have to. Thanks for your software recommendation too.

Icandothis- thanks for your bolstering words! As far as getting back together, I just don't think his heart is in it, not properly. Plus it would be very difficult after all the damage done. But I have felt pretty low and tearful today again after the past two evenings conversations.
I really hope your hubby at some point starts behaving less bizarrely, for all your sakes!

Amarmai - I honestly don't think there is anything sinister happening. When we chatted on Monday I was surprised to discover he hadn't done anything in terms of looking ahead, hadn't seen a solicitor, hadn't looked into extending the flat lease, hadn't looked to see if he would be able to buy me out of the house. He was shocked and surprised that I had seen solicitors and was talking about divorce. So even though I'm quite a cynical and suspicious person I really don't think there is any case building going on.

I am a bit perplexed though because I noticed in the journal I was keeping last year, that he had called me one day during November to let me know he would be away for a meeting. How can that be when he now says he was signed off in Nov and Dec? I'm wondering how much is a bit of story telling 'poor me, look how I'm struggling'. That sounds awful of me doesn't it! Cynicism!

Let me know if you think I'm missing something though!

just i read similar on other threads and i wonder if there is a network of exs who tell each other try this -it worked for me. Also the contradiction with what you noted in your journal shd not be ignored. Great idea keeping a journal. Don't tell him about any of that as he will trip himself up again if he's lying to make you sorry for him.

You need to take legal advice on the declaration of trust, was it done prior to marriage? Was it signed in front of a solicitor? Were you told to take independent legal advice? Mention all of this to your solicitor.

You mention you have made an arrangement to pay half the mortgage for 6 months. I don't want to worry you but this may be recorded as an AP (arrangement to pay) on your credit file. This may severely hamper either of you getting a mortgage to buy out the other one or get a mortgage on a new property. You need to take advice on this. Did he sort this out or did you? did you ask what impact it would have on your credit file and ability to buy on/him raise capital to buy you out?

I would play my cards close to my chest, not tell him so much about what you know. He is surprised you are consulting solicitors etc I'm guessing he thought you may beg for his return!

Amarmai- the journal was very much for emotional reasons, it was really cathartic and has been fascinating looking back, particularly when I get wobbly. It's a reminder of how badly he behaved and how terrible it all made me feel. I do think he is wanting to make me feel sorry for him.

43percentburnt - the DOT was indeed done before we married, and my solicitor has written to me to say H still doesn't automatically get to keep his deposit. Interesting what you say about the mortgage arrangements, I will ask him if he's aware of that possibility. He was the one who arranged it, although the mortgage is in both our names. The fact is I am unlikely to be in a position to buy, it will be renting for me. I am trying to be selective about what I say to him & what I keep to myself. And sadly I did do the whole begging for his return a couple of months ago, but I wouldn't now.

I feel quite edgy today as H has his solicitor meeting tomorrow and I'm concerned that if he comes back to me saying he has been told something different, I'll be both anxious and worried that he hasn't told the truth or has altered the facts of our story. I so desperately hope that everything avoids getting 'dirty'.

love how your journal is helping you ,op. When you read back later how you felt when you fell into the pick me trap, it will ensure you dont do that again. As you cannot beleive him , why listen to him? Communication thru lawyers is expensive , is there another go between possible?

Hi Ladies. I've been incredibly tearful tonight. Hubby & I got together again this evening and I'm really struggling seeing him. I knew we'd need to get together this month to start discussing things, and I knew it would be difficult but it's much tougher than I expected. I obviously thought I was further along than I really am.

He still feels unsure whether he wants things to be over, but equally can't say he absolutely wants to get back together as he's so fearful of it not working out. I've said that he would have needed to come to me with real decisiveness and determination if we were ever going to be able to get back on track, and he's never done that.

If he's unable to extend the lease on his flat on a month by month basis, I've said I wouldn't (& couldn't) stop him moving back in if he really needed to while I was still job hunting, but it would obviously be difficult. He said maybe if we were forced together like that we would end up making it work.

Now, I know that isn't enough and I know that I have no choice but to carry on with divorce plans (I haven't started them yet but intend to in the coming weeks) but seeing him and talking is so so hard and yet there is no avoiding it over the next few months. We have a lot to sort out; divorce, the house, financial settlement, me trying to find a job, and I find it really difficult listening to him talking about things that are so final (even though I was the one to get the formalities moving!).

How on earth do people deal with all this calmy and unemotionally? I feel I'm going to constantly struggle and cry during every conversation. It would probably be easier if he were being difficult, but he is being kind and reasonable and slightly unsure whether it's the right decision.

I know deep down that it would be very difficult moving forward together even if he definitely wanted that, and I know that I deserve to KNOW rather than just HOPE that my husband loves and wants me. So why is it still so painful and difficult?

My fear of this 'middle bit' being so horrible, is definitely coming true!

huge mistake to let him back in and do that draining listening to him work again.

He said maybe if we were forced together like that we would end up making it work
Is he for real? What an insult.
He will be able to stay in his flat - why wouldn't he? If he hasn't heard from the landlord/agent by now then they aren't serving notice so he can stay put. Do not have him move back in!

For what it's worth I agree with the other posters. If it's difficult for you now seeing him intermittently , it will be far worse if he is there full time but continuing to give you mixed messages. You ask how others cope with the the rollercoaster of emotions. I am sure in part being able to go out to work helps where you are forced to think about other things and then I am a firm believer in Fake it till you Make it.... Which you have to at work. Given you are job hunting I assume that's not available to you right now but the more you can do to be it and about around others where you are forced to out on a bra e face and talk about something else might help.

The cynical side of me thinks that your husbands lease is running out and he needs somewhere to stay. So it's in his interests to give you a glimmer of hope that you might get back together and it might help if you were around each other more. If he said there was no hope of a reconciliation would you even think about him moving back in? Assuming you could stop it you would stop it. So. I am really sorry to say I think you are probably being played. But soso. You know my feelings. It's your life and never be embarrassed if you go back on something you said previously.

We are here for support.

On my side I had to cancel lawyer meetings So postponed till next week. DH being a complete knob! Hideous weekend with him in one minute begging me to come back and try next when I say no calling me for everything and reiterating won't cooperate. I am in the USA on a business trip. Katy started a meeting yesterday when text from him pops up...... Starts with the words 'you bastard'. Then goes on to tell me what an awful mother I am and how much I upsetting DS. Really upset and disturbed me. Couldn't concentrate on my meeting and was probably not as professional and attentive as I should have been. So he can even get me all the way over here.

Thinking about you soso.

If he put in the deposit why would you not just give him it back? It's his money no matter what the legal stance is. I would have said 50:50 if there was kids involves but you say there isn't. Why would you try and take something which isn't yours?

Thay have been in a partnership for 10 years, it seems entirely reasonable that they should split 50:50 he may have put the deposit down but she has paid for all the gas/electricity bills or food for the last 10 years etc.

He made a committment for life , he wants out tough luck if he has to forego half of his deposit.

Thank you everyone for your thoughts. For so many reasons I know I can't go back there, but the whole thing still feels so so painful. I have said to him that him being back here would be very difficult for me, he said it would be for him too, but I suspect I would suffer more!!

I'm very aware how having to see him everyday would be agony. Whether I like it or not, I still feel some conflict. I wish to God we had never got here and my memories of our life together are so strong and the regrets are paralysing, but I also do realise that for me it would be almost impossible to feel comfortable, confident, secure and most of all trusting if we tried again.

As I've already said, if he had ever shown real commitment and determination to make it work at any stage over the past few months, I feel we could done. But he continues to say he's unsure, and that means he's been unsure for many many months. So it has to be the end of the road for us, and just typing that has made me cry!

I know I'll get there at some point, but I'm a long way from being okay with it all.

icandothis - I'm constantly amazed with what you have to put up with at the moment! I can't imagine coping like you are with your hubby's behaviour. I really hope it comes to an end for you soon.

Just got the notice from the courts. My decree nisi will be read in 8/2. Meeting with lawyer tomorrow on financials to prepare for first court hearing in April. Moving ahead at last.

How are you doing?

Soso, he is really making things difficult for you emotionally. Is there any way you can keep dealings with him to an absolute minimum? It seems every time he talks to you he puts you back in a place where you are doubting yourself, doubting you're doing the right thing by pressing on with divorce or with division of assets. He's always keeping you on the back foot and saying just the right things to keep you dangling that little bit longer but at the same time he's not really giving you anything either. He gives you hope by saying 'maybe it would work if we lived together' and at the same time he says 'I don't know if it's what I want'. What a head fuck! He sounds incredibly selfish and isn't considering your needs at all.

You do not need this and I think the less you are in contact with him the easier it will be to move forward with your own life. Try and keep communication to basic facts ie the house and what solicitors have said. Use text messages if you can to keep distance. There is no need for lengthy face to face discussions where you see him upset. It serves you no purpose whatsoever. You don't need to be off with him but just distant and cold enough that he understands you mean business and won't take anymore of his crap.

I had exactly the same chats with my exdp where he didn't know if we should try again blah blah. In the end his actions spoke louder than words and I could see his heart just wasn't in it. Who wants a partner like that? I'm far better off by myself than having to wait for the crumbs that he is prepared to throw me. I have kept communication very short and to the point over the last couple of weeks. We only need to discuss our dd and the sale of the house. Nothing else is up for discussion as far as I'm concerned. Boy do I feel better and stronger for it.

Hi I'm just wondering how you are doing? And whether anything has been sorted? you posted on my thread a while ago and told me to pop on here and see the advice you were given which has been helpful thank you I'm still struggling a little as he has been wanting to spend time with my daughter and myself

Me too, wondering how you are

Hello Ladies, I'm so so sorry I haven't posted lately. I've just noticed your recent 'checking up' messages and I'm so touched. Hubby and I have been back together since February, and to be honest, despite my reservations, things have so far been good.

Beyond that first couple of weeks, which felt marginally awkward, he really does seem to be making an effort and the affection has ramped up over the past couple of months. I do notice his faults more now (and he has several of them!!!) but so far I do believe we could well make it. Eyes wide open but fingers crossed.

Lillfrog and Springydaffs thank you so much for kindly checking in and I really hope life is treating you both well.

Lilfrog, one thing I learnt from these ladies is, if you find it difficult being around your hubby, then cut your communication. I realise that is very difficult when you have children, but I wish I had done that before I actually did because each visit or conversation was painful. By pushing them away you are taking back a teeny bit of control for yourself. As I say, much harder when children are involved but it may be possible to work out a system in some way.

I will check your thread shortly and will keep popping on here to catch up. I can honestly say that the stories, thoughts and ideas from these wonderful ladies who take the time to comment and check on you, were BEYOND valuable. I cannot thank everyone enough and will always remember the fabulous advice you all gave.

I wish you all so much health and happiness in the future. xxxx