My marriage is over and my entire life has been taken away

[sosolow48]

Hi everyone. I hope no one minds a childless lady posting but these forums have been a lifesaver over the past few months, reading about similar experiences. In June this year my husband declared that his feelings had changed. We have been together for over 10 years and married for 4 1/2 years. June July and August were horrendous, as I got more distressed and emotional, he got more cold, distant and hard-faced. He then moved into a rented flat in September (an hour away), saying it was merely to give us space and that it was temporary. For a short spell in November he made it clear he 'could see us getting back together'. But I became aware as the weeks went on that he appeared to be happy with us getting together only once or twice a week. I was really uneasy and anxious but whenever I brought it up he would accuse me of 'pushing him'. Then after a series of events a few weekends ago, things came to a head and he declared although he had tried (?), his feelings hadn't come back and he no longer 'saw me in that way'. Needless to say the whole thing has brought me to my knees and I can barely function. I suspect there is someone else but can't know for sure (he denies it of course). I am now in a position where I have lost my marriage, my best friend, I can't afford to stay in my beloved home, and on top of all that, after leaving my job 2 years ago to start a little cleaning business with his blessing, in order to support myself living alone again I will have to begin job hunting in the New Year. Also our dog will have to be rehomed (although my Mum has said she will have him). Everything I have lost and all the changes and upheaval ahead of me are completely paralysing and I truly can't cope with it all. The only thing stopping me ending it all at the moment is a fear of it failing! Part of me knows that I will get through this but a large part of me truly doesn't have the mental or emotional strength to do so. The thought of starting again at 48, after I honestly thought I had found my happy ending, is agony. Sorry for such a long post but I hope someone can offer some words of wisdom.

Hi MissApple, I suspect there is or has been someone else. A few things over the past few months point to it, plus I know statistically that it's likely. Unfortunately there is no way for me to know for sure, he denies it but then he would wouldn't he!!

As for what he did for Christmas, I didn't ask because if he were spending it with a OW he wouldn't tell the truth anyway.

During the time in November when it looked like he wanted to get things back on track, at his suggestion we booked to eat out on Christmas Day, but when the marriage came to a definite end a few weeks ago I cancelled the table.

As you say, if I knew for sure that there is someone else it would almost be easier. I've read a lot about the pattern of men having affairs finding an endless list of faults and criticisms in their wives and marriage, in order to justify their actions and behaviour. And sure enough I've had plenty thrown my way over the past few months.

At least if there is definitely a OW, you can perhaps think, 'well it's not ALL about me being so terrible'.

Posters in your partition recommend, and swear by, the site Baggage Reclaim xx

*position

Thank you Springydaffs. Again, from reading all the threads recently, it seems to be commonly thought that it isn't necessarily all about you in some of these cases.

I'm fascinated by the theory that men rarely leave a marriage and home with no one to go to. The fact that my H chose a flat an hour away, plus how he occasionally tried to make out 'poor me in my cold flat', plus how he asked on a couple of occasions where I had got some particular fake flowers and some decorative stones as he wanted to get some.

Some kind of instinct and/or logic tells me he wasn't sitting feeling sorry for himself each night! I'm aware that I could be wrong of course, but the slightly depressing statistics tell their own story!

Fake flowers and decorative stones???? Erm that sounds blokey --

Thought that might amuse someone!!

It has been frustrating to have a strong instinct about there being someone else but not having any way to prove it. Friends (and even my Dad!) have joked about going over on a spying mission, but being a 2 hour round trip, plus spying time, we've never done it!

On the other hand, I guess just knowing that it's very possible (or even probable) is enough. Would I really want to actually see him with someone else? Mixed feelings about that one.

Be very wary about thinking he will be reasonable. People change drastically when it all starts to get very real. Safeguard your own position financially as much as you can- you have no choice but to put yourself first in this situation. Emotionally, it will get easier- I am 19 months on after a 17 year marriage ended with no warning. You can't rush your recovery though. You must allow yourself to go through the whole rollercoaster of emotions, but don't allow yourself to dwell on negative thoughts. Have a cry then be stern with yourself and go outside and have some fresh air. I found running and exercise a huge help. I am 42- you aren't much older than me and I was homeless, penniless and had just given birth to our fifth child. I am now in a lovely rented house, work full time and look after my children on my own, as arsehole pays no maintenance. I have also met a lovely, kind man ( early days) and have done half marathons and triathlons- I did no exercise before knob head left. It seems bleak now, but it won't be forever.

Oh, and I've gone onto Baggage Reclaim, I'll have a good look at that tomorrow. Thanks for that Springydaffs.

sosolow48 Listen up will you please. Starting again?, well for me I'm 64 and started again:!. Got rid of my previous traitor of a wife who betrayed me big time, its all over now and I came off a lot better and so will you. A good solicitor can work wonders and a belief in yourself and keep posting to MN their a very good supportive crew here.

Don't concern yourself with who he may or may not be with you have got rid of someone who betrayed you, that's the main thing.

Get the divorce out of the way, give yourself a bit of time then either stay single or find another man, good ones like women do exist sometimes there' re a bit of a job to find but it can be done.

Best of luck an i promise you of one thing, you will look back at this and then you will see how strong you have been to have survived it all:-)

Sounds most likely OW but it isn't relevant really.
You can and will get through this OP. The next few months will be a roller coaster of good days and bad but you will get through them and in 6 months time your life will look completely different. Busy yourself planning a new life for yourself, don't let your H call the shots, forget him, get some strength and plan where you'd like to live and what you'd like to do. The good thing about having no job either it the world is your oyster, no ties. You can go anywhere you want and do whatever you want. Think big.

Whateverloser- sounds like you've done an amazing job turning your life around. How on earth does your exH get to pay nothing towards the kids!!

I do hear you about him staying reasonable. I've read a few horror stories about the 'tide turning' when money discussions start. I have given a lot of thought to getting an early divorce rather than just a separation agreement. On quite a few fronts I think I would prefer to just wrap everything up instead of waiting for two years. I'll mention that at the solicitor appointment and see what she thinks.

I'd pay particular, immediate, attention to £ waggling about in joint accounts.

Justaboy- how great to hear your side, thank you for commenting. Good to know there are some guys coming out the other side too!

Atsea1979 - at times I'm inclined to agree with you, it's almost irrelevant. I think I wrote that in my journal one day too. Would be good to know for sure, but the fact remains he has behaved badly either way.

Thanks everyone, I must try to get some sleep, I have had too many nights getting addicted to looking at these forums!! Too many nights intending to read a thread for a couple of pages and still being there after midnight!

PUT THE IPAD DOWN!!!

springydaffs is quite right and that's what your solicitor will tell you. Mind you its their busiest time off year so mine told me just after the season of err, good will;?.

Hi soso. I am sorry you are going through this. I am going through something similar and do have kids. I asked DH for a divorce 2 months ago and have been in spare room ever since. It's late so will bullet my comments if that's ok?

• don't worry about the money side or other posters comments trying to make you feel bad. Your lawyer will handle it.
• don't worry about staying friends or being amicable. You only need to worry about that if there are kids involved. Given that's not the case it's unlikely you will stay in contact in longer term. And sounds LIKE he is already trying to manipulate situation telling you he should get the house deposit.
• he def has an OW.

• I am 51. You are 48. I jolly well hope it's not too late to start again as you put it. I have BEN married for 18 years. But. When I was single I enjoyed it and when I was in a relationship I enjoyed it. So I hope it will be that way again.

Good luck. Let sleep chatting and share experiences as we wade through this divorce minefield at the same time.

Just wanted to comment purely on the starting again thing...
I'm in my 40s (divorced) new boyfriend in his 50s (widowed).
We're having a fabulous time!

It's a bit different for him because he still misses and loves his wife, whereas I wouldn't piss on the XH if he were on fire!

There are a lot of people our / your age out there ready to start again.

Well, the less you ponder about him the better. It's you you need to be concentrating on.
Can you afford a new hairstyle, a fashionable outfit or two from the sales.
I know I am being glib but I am 63, would I like to be 48 and single errrrr, or long time married bumbling along at 63. I'd prob plump for 48 tbh. Please don't waste a minute on him. It's too easy to mess around letting time pass by and not getting what you actually want out of life, or even working out what you really do want out of life. Yes happily married is good but is it actually achieving your wants and needs? Not always the case.

Morning all. Thank you for your comments, it really does help hearing about other people's experiences. No joint accounts luckily, just the mortgage between us.

I have to say for all that I was reasonably content in my single days, I loved being married and the 'togetherness' that brought. I had a sense of happiness and stability during the past 10 years that I had never felt before, which adds to the loss.

Icandothis - sorry you are going through the same, it's all so alien isn't it? Separation & divorce happens all the time and yet you somehow don't think it will happen to you. Re things staying amicable, I think it must be a slight sense of survival somewhere deep down, but I am conscious of perhaps using his guilty conscience to my advantage as long as I can in order to keep things as civil as they can be until everything is done & dusted. I hope that doesn't sound to mercanery, but rather than endlessly screaming how much of a shit he's been I'd rather try and keep the balance as long as is possible, while subtly reminding him how much damage he has caused!

Cabrinha- I like that your dating again, that sounds nice! Although it's too early for me to be thinking about that yet, I do keep trying to tell myself that I could well meet someone else in time.

I wish more people on here were 'mercenary' in the face of being done over. I applaud your presence of mind - keep going!

How was today?

Hi Springydaffs. Mixed day today, had a really bad nights (lack of) sleep last night and have been really tearful on and off during today.

I watched the final Downton Abbey that I'd recorded on Christmas Day and that made me cry buckets, which sounds totally ridiculous but as it was a programme we had both watched and enjoyed from the beginning, it seemed quite symbolic that the show and my marriage have now come to an end!

I know it's completely to be expected for a long time yet, but that overwhelming sadness, disbelief and fear of the future is crippling sometimes.

Not a good mix - broken heart/lack of sleep. I'm a mess if those two collide.

I've been known to sob every time freely at Call the Midwife. I counted the cost before watching that and Downton this Christmas. I also find I have to be careful with music.

A completely gorgeous person gave me a camomile and lavendar spray for my pillow for Christmas - see if you can get something like that to help you sleep? This one is Avon. Kalms are also excellent for shitty times, as well as St Johns wort. Cut down on caffeine - and, sorry to say it, alcohol is a depressant.

All things to support you as you make your way through this, lovely. Just got to go with whatever comes up as it rolls through eg in a mess watching Downtown

Hope you also well tonight.

Hope you SLEEP well tonight!

Do you have space to rent a room? It might mean you could afford to stay in the house.

Morning ladies. I know what you mean. I find myself bursting into tears about ridiculous things. For me I am really grieving I think. Our marriage could have been great if DH didn't continually keep throwing in hand for which he was sorry afterwards. So I am crying for what could have been, kissing my lovely home and the upset to the DCs - not in that order!

DH and I got through Xmas day for family sake but I realised he didn't actually speak to me all day directly and once guests left went upstairs with not a single thank you for lunch or organising presents for DCs. We have spoken since then. But have filled my time visiting friends and trying to get out and about forcing smile on face.

Hope I haven't hijacked your post. Just sharing experiences really.

I know it sounds really hard, but a saying that has seen me through some tough times is "the universe is unfolding exactly as it should", from Desiderata.

You sound very strong, and I'm so sorry this is happening to you. I'm glad that peggy's was a lone voice, the law is the law for a reason and that is to protect both parties! Take it one day at a time, you will one day look back on this and know it was the right thing. Also please be aware that although in marriage you may not have thought your H unreasonable, divorce does funny things to people and you may have a battle ahead of you if he considers that his getting the deposit back before any split is the fair outcome. Until he accepts that the law doesn't agree with him he may not cooperate.