My marriage is over and my entire life has been taken away

[sosolow48]

Hi everyone. I hope no one minds a childless lady posting but these forums have been a lifesaver over the past few months, reading about similar experiences. In June this year my husband declared that his feelings had changed. We have been together for over 10 years and married for 4 1/2 years. June July and August were horrendous, as I got more distressed and emotional, he got more cold, distant and hard-faced. He then moved into a rented flat in September (an hour away), saying it was merely to give us space and that it was temporary. For a short spell in November he made it clear he 'could see us getting back together'. But I became aware as the weeks went on that he appeared to be happy with us getting together only once or twice a week. I was really uneasy and anxious but whenever I brought it up he would accuse me of 'pushing him'. Then after a series of events a few weekends ago, things came to a head and he declared although he had tried (?), his feelings hadn't come back and he no longer 'saw me in that way'. Needless to say the whole thing has brought me to my knees and I can barely function. I suspect there is someone else but can't know for sure (he denies it of course). I am now in a position where I have lost my marriage, my best friend, I can't afford to stay in my beloved home, and on top of all that, after leaving my job 2 years ago to start a little cleaning business with his blessing, in order to support myself living alone again I will have to begin job hunting in the New Year. Also our dog will have to be rehomed (although my Mum has said she will have him). Everything I have lost and all the changes and upheaval ahead of me are completely paralysing and I truly can't cope with it all. The only thing stopping me ending it all at the moment is a fear of it failing! Part of me knows that I will get through this but a large part of me truly doesn't have the mental or emotional strength to do so. The thought of starting again at 48, after I honestly thought I had found my happy ending, is agony. Sorry for such a long post but I hope someone can offer some words of wisdom.

Mine took 10 1/2 months and sadly went all the way to a final hearing - but that's very usual. Most negotiate out of courts, some via solicitors or via mediation, others thrash it out themselves - so don't think there's anything 'typical' about divorce- everyone's is different.

Whether to go for a settlement now or to delay it will very much depend on your individual circumstances, I'm afraid. Your solicitor will be best placed to advise you.

Thanks to all you kind ladies for your comments. Lordy, it does all sound daunting - 30 pages! And to think some people get married & divorced multiple times!

This is my H second marriage so I guess he'll know the drill!

Icandothis - sorry that your H is making things more difficult & longwinded but many thanks for your info.

Wellwhoknew- as I said I'm really hoping we can sort it between us but I guess everyone thinks they'll be able to do this. I think at the moment I feel as though I would just prefer a final settlement and a clean break but I do intend to ask the solicitor what they think about doing it that way.

I suddenly feel overwhelmed with sadness at what H and I had. It hurts so much that not only can that disappear but he possibly/probably found someone else.

Like everyone does, you look back to strong beginnings and remember those things that drew you together and wonder how the hell it all went so wrong. How can it be that you are both so in love, go as far as getting married and after several years one person decides they no longer want that anymore.

I can look back and acknowledge my part in what went wrong, I realise that I probably took him for granted at times, didn't nurture the relationship enough perhaps, and I have said all this to him in recent months. But the difference between us was that I would have done whatever it took to mend our marriage, whereas I wonder now whether anything I said or did would have made any difference.

for you op you sound like you're having a real down moment. It's strange how you can feel like you're coming to terms with it one minute and then feel totally blown away by it the next. There is no quick fix to the heartache. You have to go through it to get out the other side and that means going into these dark places of despair every now and again. All part of the healing process I'm assured.

I think things will start to change for the better for you once you find a new job. Your mind will be focused on other things and you'll meet new people and it will be nothing to do with your ex and won't remind you of him. Keep putting one foot in front of the other and keep plodding. You will get there, even if it feels like hell at the moment.

Thank you so much Angle, I think you're right about the job. That's the thing that seems the most stressful thing to sort out but as you say, as and when that happens, it will be ALL new and have no connection to my current life and at that point I can start to think about the next phases of change.

I hope everyone else is okay this evening. This has been my last day off today, back to work tomorrow. As difficult and sad as these past 4 days have been, they've been a much needed rest. I feel and look like I have aged 20 years in the past few months! I see so much stress in the mirror!

sosolow48 Well the paper work and the argy bargy do help to take your mind off what's going on emotively, well sort off. Its not a thing to be taken lightly but if it's come to it then its got to be.

JOOI IIRC he will or should have to put on his form E any income from anyone he might be living with course he could be just by himself in which case that may not happen. It wasn't all that long ago i went though this caper but I'm forgetting it quite well now!

And good advice one page at a time its not that complex. I rather doubt you have properties and investments shares and the like perhaps a pension that's to come into it and no children be in a way thankful they aren't having to suffer from it all!

In fact work has been very helpful to me its my own company and it can be quite demanding but it does take your mind of it all in some ways.

Angleshades is quite right some days are better than others, i have the odd down day and I'm one of the most optimistic people around!

Keep posting if it helps you, MN will be here for you:-)

Yep my last day off too and I'm so glad to be going back to work tomorrow as it really takes my mind of things.

Don't suffer in silence soso, keep posting if you're struggling. There is always someone about on here if you need to vent. Do you have many rl friends or family you can talk to about this?

I know how you feel. One minute I seem to be going along so well, really strong etc. The next. Just like you. Grieving. Because that's what it is. I now just give into it esp when kids not around. Have a good cry and then pull myself together. Please keep posting. It seems you have a grey group here who have either been through this previously and can offer great advice or those of us currently living the dream! And learning as we go

Good luck back at work tomorrow. It will give you something. Else to focus on than this for a while.

Soslow48 same situ here (not married and with 2 children though)just wanted to say hi and offer support. The sadness is totally overwhelming and I still see no real light at the end of the tunnel 3 months in, but the therapist I started seeing a few weeks ago in an attempt to deal with the grief says that for relationship breakdowns of this length, the estimated time for feeling halfway to decent again is roughly one year plus.
I don't want to feel this pain another second let alone another 9months but we will get there, I'm sure we'll come out the other side battered and bruised but hopefully stronger for it. I can feel your pain and send you a hug across the miles x

Hugs to you too mulberry bag

Hi Mulberrybag- sorry you're going through it too. As you've been told, a year or thereabouts is probably the norm, looking back to previous breakups.
I agree about not wanting to feel this way any longer; as an adult you know you have to just ride it out but it certainly doesn't get any easier with age!

I do occasionally think though that I could perhaps deal with the emotional side better if I didn't have the other logistical issues to face as well. I'm quite a strong person but I feel totally floored and overwhelmed by everything right now. If there was an easy way to simply give up I would! Perhaps I could get myself institutionalised! I'm being silly of course but I do feel that I don't have the strength to keep 'fighting' my way through life.

Angleshades- I do have friends and family who have been great but of course you don't want to continually bang on with the same conversations over and over. Chatting on here is great though as everyone has been through the same or similar & can instantly relate. And of course if someone gets bored they can just turn off their computer & I'll never know!!

I'm having a bit of a wobble today. Have got the court forms (DH not seen his envelope yet so that's making me nervous) and then have revived a letter from HMRC to both of us about an old tax issue when we bought our house 5 years ago. I thought the matter had been closed 9 months ago but get a letter today 'apologising for the delay'. I just feel overwhelmed. Just closed an employment tribunal issue over DH messing about with the nanny and she sued me as her employer! Financial order received today. Awaiting decree Nissi from court and now this. BTW I work full time and have quite a 'big' job. Have to fly half way round the world next week with all this going on. Not sure I can hold it together. But can't afford to lose my job and if this tax issue goes ahead that's another large chunk out of our already too smal financial pot. Sorry guys. Just needed to share as am in tears.

Icandothis - oh my god poor poor you. I'm really struggling too these past few days but I at least don't have THAT much going on. I really do feel for you, I have been crying a lot over the past couple of days/evenings. It's that torturous mix of desperately missing him and also remembering how badly he's behaved this year.

My Dad has just sent me some articles on pension sharing during divorce, and I quickly scanned through a couple of pages but just felt overwhelmed again! I wanted to ring H and scream 'this is what you've created, wouldn't it just have been easier to make the marriage work again!!!'

I'm not surprised you're in tears Honey, it's more than allowed, you truly do have a lot on your plate. I only wish there were something we could each do to make our pain disappear straight away. I bought a Lotto ticket for tonight, wouldn't help with emotions but sure would help in other ways!!

I'll be thinking of you and wish you some strength. X

Sosolow. Thanks for your kind words. Just what I needed to hear. I am going to write off today. Took DS to cinema for a bit of escapism. DH has yet again not opened letter from court. Hey ho.

The pension thing is quite baffling. You will need help. I am in the other side. I want to keep DH away from my pension. Whilst I put away money on pension each month, he spent double that on beer. Doesn't seem fare that he some his money and I saved mine but them have to give up half. But I will cross that bridge when I need to.

What are your plans for NYE? Very conscious that could trigger another bout of felling sorry for myself. I really need to pull myself together!

All, It can be daunting but it all is do-able your solicitors should be of help with all of the paperwork they see it every day and sadly even more of it after Xmas!.

As to pensions etc yep!, it does grate and mighty. I generated most all the wealth here before we met and married but had to give it away but that's life and the divorce situation.

Icandothis- NYE will be like Christmas for me I'm afraid, just me & my dog! I realised that both Xmas and NY 2015 would have to be a write off, I can't face going anywhere and just want to be on my own. Hopefully next year will be different!

I think it's sometimes important to allow ourselves to wallow and feel sorry for ourselves and not feel that we have to 'pull ourselves together'. Granted not forever, but these situations ARE big, life changing challenges and not something trivial. We are allowed and deserve some self pity!

Is your H just being purposefully obnoxious in ignoring his mail or trying to pretend it isn't happening? It would drive me potty!!

Wishing us all a reasonable nights sleep, not easy at the moment!

Thank you justaboy, I can definitely see how it must be frustrating if you are faced with giving so much away to someone who doesn't deserve it!

Thanks justaboy. Good to hear the experiences of others. Good and bad.

Soso. DH pretending not happening. And being obnoxious as a by product. Gues it helps me focus on why I want out after 20 years.

icandothis64 Well he may be in a state of denial re the whole thing but he'll be in a state once he's in court!

Do you know if any legal person is representing him as yet?.

He def has no legal rep. That would be definition mean he is acknowledging what's happening. Up until a coupe of weeks ago I know for sure he had not even told his friends. Has not told his parents either.

icandothis64 Well he really ought to be getting his act together on this unless he is in complete denial about the whole thing?.

He will be in for a Huge wake up call once the court date is set, has it got that far as yet?.

Yes. That's what is In The latest unopened envelope. Although it's only a first court date and not until 4/4/16. I had thought the same as you. He will be in trouble if he ignores the instructions for form e exchange and is a no show etc. Others now tell me that courts are pretty lenient in this scenario. My not so SHL said that would be contempt and he may get a fine or worse. Others tell me the court doesn't really do that. I wondered if anyone had experience of that.

How are you getting on today? Are you keeping busy? Taking the dog out?

I feel really black and low today, I can't get out of it. I feel today that I can't cope with everything ahead of me and can't deal with the pain of what's been happening. I'm haunted by thoughts of H with someone else at the moment, wondering what he'll be doing tonight.

How can someone just walk away and and seemingly just leave behind 10 years? I have no energy to recover and rebuild my life once again, I seem to have done this too often over the years.

Oh soso. I am really sorry. I really empathise with you. Today of all days is really tough. Can you take the dog for a walk or at least get out for a walk or is it raining too hard? It's a huge effort to do so when you feel like this but sooo worth it.try not to dwell on what he is up to. That will jay torture you. Can you download a box set or something and immerse yourself in that? I can recommend some. Please don't sit and watch NYE programming as that will make you feel worse. Big hugs. Happy to chat here to take your mindful things.

sosolow48 You will, trust me it will take a toll and time but you will do it and then afterwards you'll see why the prat didn't deserve you, its really that simple!

What's to say the OW, if there actually is one, isn't going to get the same treatment in time?.