My marriage is over and my entire life has been taken away

[sosolow48]

Hi everyone. I hope no one minds a childless lady posting but these forums have been a lifesaver over the past few months, reading about similar experiences. In June this year my husband declared that his feelings had changed. We have been together for over 10 years and married for 4 1/2 years. June July and August were horrendous, as I got more distressed and emotional, he got more cold, distant and hard-faced. He then moved into a rented flat in September (an hour away), saying it was merely to give us space and that it was temporary. For a short spell in November he made it clear he 'could see us getting back together'. But I became aware as the weeks went on that he appeared to be happy with us getting together only once or twice a week. I was really uneasy and anxious but whenever I brought it up he would accuse me of 'pushing him'. Then after a series of events a few weekends ago, things came to a head and he declared although he had tried (?), his feelings hadn't come back and he no longer 'saw me in that way'. Needless to say the whole thing has brought me to my knees and I can barely function. I suspect there is someone else but can't know for sure (he denies it of course). I am now in a position where I have lost my marriage, my best friend, I can't afford to stay in my beloved home, and on top of all that, after leaving my job 2 years ago to start a little cleaning business with his blessing, in order to support myself living alone again I will have to begin job hunting in the New Year. Also our dog will have to be rehomed (although my Mum has said she will have him). Everything I have lost and all the changes and upheaval ahead of me are completely paralysing and I truly can't cope with it all. The only thing stopping me ending it all at the moment is a fear of it failing! Part of me knows that I will get through this but a large part of me truly doesn't have the mental or emotional strength to do so. The thought of starting again at 48, after I honestly thought I had found my happy ending, is agony. Sorry for such a long post but I hope someone can offer some words of wisdom.

I divorced this year at 55 ( at my instigation) and havent looked back. Last Xmas was awful....dcs found out on Xmas day..and until February when he moved out it was like living in a parallel surreal universe.
But oh how happy I am.
I have realised how strong I am and how happy I am. I have met someone totally unexpectedly too who "gets" me.
I truly believe life has begun again for me.

Be strong x

Just another poster whose heart has been broken in a similar way..better days are on their way for you.. sorry for cliche but you will prevail. What helps me is walking/being outdoors, radio 4, swimming - any physical activity which tires you out and overcomes the constant thinking, ruminating..you are not alone, we understand how you feel

Thank you all. Slept a bit better last night but only made it to 10.30 this morning before the tears & despair came back. I have no emotional energy at the moment.

Icandothis - please don't think you're hijacking, it helps sharing experiences & knowing others can relate to how you're feeling

Teapot - I know what you mean about things changing when money starts to be discussed & that is filling me with stress & anxiety too because it seems to be a whole bunch of mountains to climb that lie ahead of me. I can hardly bear the thought of that battle.

Wallywobbles- thank you for your suggestion. Unfortunately I wouldn't be in a salary bracket to be able to take on the house alone, even with a lodger.

Savagebeauty. I have taken huge strength from your words. Hope OP can too.

Oh ty icandothis64
And my dcs are doing so well....they are teens and we have just had the best Xmas. I have no family but have good friends ( although you do find out who your real friends are!)

I swear blind that the worst, worst, worst period after a marriage/LT relationship break up is 4 - 6 months later, when the adrenaline has gone, people (including your own internal voice) seem to think you should be 'getting a grip' by now. That's implied if not outwardly stated.

Then of course, you've still got to actually get divorced if you're married - which, quite frankly, can be a terrifying experience.

So, I thought I'd drop in and say: how you're feeling, the tears, the terror and the despair is pretty normal for the circumstances. The first year, in fact, is horrendous.

Get yourself out and about as much as possible, eat as well as possible, say 'yes' to as many new experiences as possible, and pat yourself on the back for each and every day you survive it. It will get easier. But most of all: be bloody nice to yourself.

Wellwhoknew- thank you for message. I really do wish that I could go to sleep & wake up in a years time. I feel so energyless in every way and I have all these things to organise, finding a job (which in itself feels like a mountain to climb), and only when that issue is sorted out can I look for a flat.

Alongside those things, having to think about getting the financial aspects of the house / divorce sorted, plus discussing finances with H and feeling anxious about how that will pan out. I am really not a 'bury my head in the sand' type of person but with every fibre of my being that's what I want to do right now!

Oh Op I really feel for you. I'm pretty much in same boat as you. My dp left almost 3 months ago at my instigation. The relationship had been going wrong for a while and he wasn't himself this summer at all. Come October I'd had enough and called time on the relationship. We tried to sort things out and start again but I could see his heart wasn't in it so the house is going on the market in the new year and I have to find a new place for my dd and I.

I know exactly what you mean about wanting to bury your head in the sand. I so desperately want to pretend that all this isn't happening. Sometimes it feels so surreal and like I'm living someone else's life. This wasn't supposed to happen to me, this happens to other people, not a solid family unit like ours was!!

At the moment I'm having a tough few days and finding it really hard going. I know it'll pass but it feels horrible at the moment. One minute I'm sad and lost and the next I'm so angry that he didn't try harder, that he's let our family fall apart yet isn't man enough to admit that we weren't what he wanted. I'm so sick of his 'woe is me' bullshit.

Rant over, and breathe. I'm sorry for hijacking your thread but just wanted you to know that I'm another one going through this crap too. It has helped to read through your thread and see similar stories. I wish you well op

Hello Angleshades, I'm so sorry for your experience too. Surreal is a good description, even now I have nano-seconds where I think it's not happening followed by the hammer blow realisation that it is.

All the upheaval is so unwanted, terrifying, draining etc as well as dealing with the emotional side of your marriage, best friend, hopes and dreams being snatched away.

Please don't apologise for hijacking & carry on joining in; although ultimately we are each of us on our own through things, it does help knowing others are going through the same/similar.

sosolow & Angleshades I think what your going through is around par for the course. I've had roughly similar things happen ranging from a "missing you" for the ex to something close on I could mu^^er you for what you've done!

Still soslow be thankful that no children are involved. Our two have taken it badly the younger one worse than the older, but its hurt them both.

I too sometimes wonder what "if" what could i/we have done differently but there wasn't anything. I think it wasn't meant to be anymore it had run its course I now think that marriage isn't forever as much as we want it to be, sad but it does seem that way.

I suppose fortunately the money wasn't that big a problem here but you will find a way soslow if you cannot afford to the live there anymore then i wonder even if you could do you really want to? I'm now thinking that I ought to move, too many things here of what could have, what might have, been etc.

Soso. Angel. Wellwhoknwe. Savagebeauty. Sorry to hear we are all in the same boat but it will help to share. I hope. My DH is currently in complete denial about the divorce. Has not opened a single latter from my SHL or the court. In fact the court date letters arrived on Xmas eve. I hid them so as not to create an atmosphere (additional atmosphere) for Xmas day but tomorrow I have to put them on that doormat when post arrives. I know he won't open it anyway but I looked at mine and Cott date is set for 4th April. So long away and have to live in purgatory until them. And thats only a first hearing. Everyone tells me that nothing will happen and if he is a no show them need another date. So frustrating.

Does anyone else think it's a good idea to go straight for divorce rather than separation agreement? I have a few reasons for thinking it would be my preference, not least a clean break and no need to make contact again in a couple of years.

Also the financial side could be wrapped up fully.

Justaboy- yes I know what you mean about the house. As much as I am dreading leaving here, there is a part of me that wishes I could just go immediately into a new job, new home, new life. This limbo of the next few months while I try to make things happen is awful and I am completely tied into a semi-joint life until I can extricate myself from it which may take months.

I think it's better to just press on. Who needs it hanging over them?

My solicitor said that in her opinion quick could be good, because sometimes the party ending it feels guilty (either simply for ending it, but very often for cheating - and I wouldn't be 100% from your OP that he hasn't cheated) and is less argumentative about finances.

Less time to start hiding and spending too.

I think it helps with emotional recovery too, to take control and power back by filing.

Thank you Cabrinha, every point you just made, and what your solicitor said, are exactly what has been floating around my mind.

The possible guilty conscience aspect, which I think is there in my H, is something I have been quite conscious of. Also, you never know if their job circumstances could change in the next couple of years ie redundancy.

Another thing I had thought about, is if out of the blue in the next year or two they made contact and said "I need us to divorce as I want to get married again", ouch, I think that would hurt!

Plus, for me, on a far more trivial note, I'm pretty sure it would take him by surprise as I don't think he would expect me to do that straight away!

I think Cabrinha is right, another vote here to crack on with the divorce. What's the point in waiting around if he's checked out already. May as well get the divorce over and done with asap so that you can get on with building your new life. While he's feeling guilty he'll probably be less difficult to deal with financially. His feelings of guilt will lessen with time so may as well strike while the iron is hot.

This afternoon I have spent the time looking at houses on right move and have saved the details of 8 or so. In the new year I'm going to arrange viewings, get a mortgage arranged and press on with moving on. This evening I shall make a board on Pinterest.com and look for lovely inspiring ways on how to decorate my new place so that it becomes a little palace for me and my dd. Trying to be a bit more positive about the big changes ahead.

9 times out of 10 peggy posts like a twit.

I have gone straight for a divorce and everything I read says that makes sense. Plus costs less too. My DH is a contractor and he has a contract until July so also makes sense for me in case that changes. By the way. Although I have a solicitor I have down the divorce myself. Very straightforward. All he did was spend 10 minutes checking over my paperwork in the initial free/cheap consultation. Depends if money no object I guess. On the finance side though I will need his help if DH does not eventually wake up and cooperate. The divorce and finance settlement run as two separate processes although some people will delay the absolute until finances settled.

Icandothis- yes I had read that divorce and finances are 2 separate things / fees. I will have to rely on borrowing from my Dad for solicitors costs and then pay him back from any settlement.

Hopefully H and I can come to an agreement between ourselves without the need for mediation, I really hope that's the case. One of my main concerns is that he will see the past few months of him living in the rented flat while continuing to pay towards the house as doing me a huge favour and seeing that as a reason for me to get less in the settlement. On the one hand, yes he could have been difficult and less generous, but on the other hand, I had no say or choice in any of this and on my self employed part time income would have had no chance of paying everything.

M48294Y - I must admit when I first read Peggy's post my heart sank and I thought, oh no is the deposit issue going to be a case of ME being unreasonable!!

soslow48

have a read thru,

www.divorce.co.uk

Useful info in there .

Yup. ignore that comment. Not relevant. Not helpful and not true! Hopefully on the divorce side costs should be very little. The initial filing fee but I dint have to pay to apply for the nisi. I'm my case twat of a DH put everything in bum and didn't respond so inhale to pay more to get the papers served. But now that's done I can press on either no further costs.

On finance side. If you can agree then you woods only have to pay for solicitor to draft the consent order. But be careful. I am quite financially savvy and in charge of everything. DH doesn't even know pin for joint account. However most higher earners will have pensions and getting the se valued can be quite tricky. Esp if final salary. Get independent advice before you agree to anything.

Angleshades- that's exciting for you, beginning to look at & think about a new place! I imagine it will also work as a bit of a distraction from the emotional side of things.

It will be renting for me though I think as on my anticipated salary bracket (Receptionist salary) that will be the option. I don't mind that though, I rented before H and I met and it does have advantages (if anything breaks down or goes wrong you just make a call to the agent or landlord!!)

I wish I could fast forward to being ready to look for somewhere else to live as I think it would help slightly.

Does anyone have any idea / experience of how long settlements actually take? Is it usually several months? Assuming of course that you come to a reasonably quick agreement. And also, if I go straight for Divorce, pensions come into the equation too. Does it sometimes happen that you just agree a once & for all lump sum?

Thank you justaboy I will have a read through that link.

Icandothis - one of the (many) things giving me anxiety is having to ask H for his pension and salary details! The solicitor said I would need to get that information in order to know what goes into the pot along with my (pretty inconsiderable) assets. It's all such an unnatural and awkward process isn't it!

Our divorce took five months from beginning to end.
Settlement was fair ( tbh I could have got more but I will have enough)
I am still in family home for 18 months when it will be sold.

Soso. Your DH will be required to prepare a Form e. It's a Huge form some 30 pages and can be quite daunting. You will need to do same. That will als for details of every pension and bank account and investments. For bank account you need to attach 12 months of statements for each account. For investments and pensions you need the latest annual statement. This all takes time to gather to i started this the as soon as I could as for some items I had to write to pension funds etc. Don't be daunted. The advice i got on MN was take one day at a time or one page at a time. Do what you can each day and work through it. DH will NED to do same. Lawyer told me that you cam work together on this if everything is amicable but make sure he has lot squirrelled anything away. Think about all the jobs he has had over the years and ensure you can. track a pension for each.

In my case DH won't do anything so we will end up with a court order. Even just to sell house. So right now I am in for the long haul. If you guys can agree you should be able to do this very quickly.