My marriage is over and my entire life has been taken away

[sosolow48]

Hi everyone. I hope no one minds a childless lady posting but these forums have been a lifesaver over the past few months, reading about similar experiences. In June this year my husband declared that his feelings had changed. We have been together for over 10 years and married for 4 1/2 years. June July and August were horrendous, as I got more distressed and emotional, he got more cold, distant and hard-faced. He then moved into a rented flat in September (an hour away), saying it was merely to give us space and that it was temporary. For a short spell in November he made it clear he 'could see us getting back together'. But I became aware as the weeks went on that he appeared to be happy with us getting together only once or twice a week. I was really uneasy and anxious but whenever I brought it up he would accuse me of 'pushing him'. Then after a series of events a few weekends ago, things came to a head and he declared although he had tried (?), his feelings hadn't come back and he no longer 'saw me in that way'. Needless to say the whole thing has brought me to my knees and I can barely function. I suspect there is someone else but can't know for sure (he denies it of course). I am now in a position where I have lost my marriage, my best friend, I can't afford to stay in my beloved home, and on top of all that, after leaving my job 2 years ago to start a little cleaning business with his blessing, in order to support myself living alone again I will have to begin job hunting in the New Year. Also our dog will have to be rehomed (although my Mum has said she will have him). Everything I have lost and all the changes and upheaval ahead of me are completely paralysing and I truly can't cope with it all. The only thing stopping me ending it all at the moment is a fear of it failing! Part of me knows that I will get through this but a large part of me truly doesn't have the mental or emotional strength to do so. The thought of starting again at 48, after I honestly thought I had found my happy ending, is agony. Sorry for such a long post but I hope someone can offer some words of wisdom.

Thank you guys for taking the time to message, it really is appreciated. I think I'll have to try and bury myself in a film or something I've recorded for the evening.

I'm sure you're right about OW, I guess if in x number of years the 'spark' goes from that relationship too, he may well just move on to the next one, and so on and so on.

About 2 weeks ago my next door neighbour was upset because her husband had walked out after a series of arguments. I sat with her for 3 hours until 1am comparing notes (she hadn't known up to that point that my H had left). I also knocked on her door the next night to see how she was. And not once from that day to this, right over Christmas, has she come to see how I am. Her husband is now back and even though she knows when I'm in or not (adjoined houses) she has never knocked to check whether I'm coping.

I guess because I feel pretty fragile at the moment, that just seems to me to be really self absorbed, and has knocked my belief in human nature further down. Does anyone think I'm just being over sensitive and over emotional?

You probably are being over sensitive and over emotional. But that's ok. You are entitled to be so. But you are right. Some people really are self absorbed. In the case of your neighbour I suspect that she is embarrassed about all the bad things she said about her DH to you at the time, and then she went and took him back. I know my friends have counselled me not to tell too many people just in case I do the same. Although I don't see that happening!!

Yes a movie is good. Maybe if you can, treat yourself to a takeaway. I don't advocate a glass of wine though. I have found myself drinking very very little since all his happens. For me drinking is a social thing and something to avoid on your own. Plus it can make you maudlin which again is not worth it. Plus you don't sleep as well. But each to their own. I don't judge.

I am going to go out for a couple of hours. Taking my DD and her friends to a party then taking my DD13 to some friends for a couple of hours. Have promised DS WE won't stay long. He want to see the NY IN watching the fireworks on Tv. I can hear the DH downstairs right now ironing his clothes. He is going to a party. Thanks god.

I hope you enjoy the evening with your DCs, and Happy New Year to you all. Let's' hope 2016 brings some (quick) better luck!

I would love a a glass of wine but I've had a 3 day headache from not sleeping well and stress, so better not add to it with wine!!

Hi soso. So sorry you're feeling blue this evening. Isn't this a tough time of year to get through when you're going through a break up? It's almost like your head plays tricks and gives flashbacks of good times and bad times just trying to make sense of everything. It's like being in a fog of confusion. I've had a bad day today too so will be glad when the wretched fireworks have finished after midnight and I can finally sleep (what a killjoy I am).

I'm going to be having a quiet evening too as I have my dd with me tonight. I was never a fan of NYE anyway so I'm not missing out on anything. And I really don't feel like celebrating either. There is so much to be cracking on with in the new year that it's on my mind quite a bit and I can see the house move being very stressful as it's like severing anything that's joined to my exdp. I wish things could be different and feel so screwed up by the split that I can't think straight at the moment. I just wish I could move on and just look happily to the future. Instead I'm full of doubt and sadness and I miss him terribly.

On a lighter note I have been asked out by a male colleague this week which was a nice confidence boost. However I'm not ready to really go there so won't be pursuing anything.

Enjoy your film or dvd box set or whatever you decide to watch on tv tonight. Hopefully it'll take your mind off things for a bit.

Thank you Angleshades, sorry you're having a bad day too. I can really relate to you wanting to be able to focus and look ahead, but only being able to feel sadness and fear. I can also relate to the house thing too because I'm very conscious of feeling the same when I finally leave here.

I feel crippled today by wishing he were here and things were as they were.

I love that you've been asked out, that's a great boost! If he knows your circumstances, could you not agree to just a casual drink with no pressure, it might really do you good?

I would hate for this guy to think I was wasting his time though. I'm not ready for anything with anyone else at all. Problem is I'll be this way for quite a while as no one will quite compare. What's the betting that exdp goes out tonight, has a great night and probably gets off with someone though? Probably wouldn't give me a second thought. Some men seem to be able to move on so quickly and easily and it would really hurt if exdp was like this.

So what did you choose to watch on tv in the end? I have a friend who has lent me some good books to try and take my mind off things but haven't really started any of them yet. I spend too much time on mn instead

Ha Ha I know what you mean with that last comment, because I haven't been able to concentrate on anything so I've got Sky news on in the background with all the worlds fireworks and I'm just gassing here on MN!!

I think you're right about comparing, I can remember dating after the previous break up I had and comparing, even though I told myself not to. I'm sure it's totally natural to do that and at some point someone will come along who will SURPASS the ex. But if your colleague knows your situation, or you can be upfront with him about it, then you can be clear that it's a drink only. It's a tricky and delicate game isn't it!!

I've been tormented too by what H might be doing tonight and with whom. It's torture and I suppose unavoidable given that it's all so raw.

It would be nice just to shut the mind off from over thinking wouldn't it? Well hopefully given a few more months we can all move on just a little bit and hopefully be in a better place emotionally.

Yes the 'drink only' thingy is a very delicate game. I hate letting people down and I guess I'll just have to let this guy down. It just ain't gonna happen with him so I have to be straight with him, gulp. Not looking forward to that one lol.

I wish you all the best for 2016 and hope you have some new exciting adventures on the way to take you away from the pain you're in now. And to all the other ladies on here going through the same thing. Happy New Year everyone, here's to a good one

Thank you angle. And happy new year to everyone. For the past FEw weeks my real strength has been drawn from a focus on Xmas 2016. I keep thinking about what I will be doing and feeling in one years time and have to believe it will be better than this. For me. And for all of you. Yes we will go thru some shit in between times, but hopefully by the our new and improved lives will be taking shape.

We should make a resolution to come back here in 12 months and update each other.

I have to say I did have a nice evening. Bad start though. After dropping off DS and friends at party got home to STBXH waiting for me to give him a lift to his party. He was a right twat to me this morning to I let him know that! But I did him the favour of a lift. Then me and DS went to friends for supper. Lovely evening and I did have that second glass of wine and left the car behind. DS also had a nice time and he and I had some giggles together when we got home. Special times.

Just got into bed and DH came inFrom his party. I was watching him from my phone app sat on stairs on the security camera crying/ sulking. Not sure which. I realised that, as opposed to others, I don't miss him as some of you miss your exdps so I suppose i am lucky in that respect and not suffering as you both are. I am sorry for you as that really must be so hard. However. Rather than go to bed he has carried on drinking so if I did feel sorry for him I don't any more.

Here's to our new and improved lives ladies. We can do this. X.

Happy New Year to you all. Here's wishing for better things in the next 12 months.

I've felt pretty rough today, I think just from lack of sleep and general stress, I just have no energy and have had a headache now for about 5 days. I forced myself to go on the desktop computer this evening though and do a bit more to my CV and do a template cover letter.

But aside from having no printer at home (hubby took that with him to his rented flat as it is his business printer), I've also now remembered that the computer has Word Office Starter rather than the full Word package. So when I practised sending the CV to an email (my own) I wasn't able to open it to check that it had emailed okay! I then opened the email on my IPad but on there it hadn't come out properly, it had all shifted around and was 'out of shape'!

So I now need to buy both a printer AND Word in order to even begin the job hunting process, as everything seems to be done online now. I miss good old paper applications through the post!! The uphill battles seem to just keep getting steeper!

Icandothis - it would be lovely wouldn't it to come back on to this thread in 12 months and all of us were settled and happy and living a smooth drama free life! Let's hope!

I think it's perfectly reasonable to go for at least 50:50 financial split. Don't worry about him just make sure you do what's best for you, you're on your own now.

Sorry to say this but he more than likely has another woman. I don't think there are many men who would leave their wife and comfortable home to go live alone in a pokey flat.

Separation and divorce can be a very traumatic experience but you will get through this and I'm certain you'll come out of this awful experience a much stronger and happier person. Just remember you cant make an omelette without breaking any eggs...

You may think you can go through a divorce and remain amicable, as I once thought, but believe me, the person you thought you knew can change quite quickly into a complete and utter tw**!!

Put yourself first, take good care of yourself get plenty of rest, make sure you're eating properly. Take some exercise, do something you love, meet with friends.

You will get through this, believe me.

Choceclair123 - thank you for your message. You're right in everything you say. So many things point to there being someone else, let alone statistically it being the case that as you say, men rarely leave a marriage / marital home if there isn't someone waiting in the wings.

And also about characters changing when you start getting to the nitty gritty of settlements, I'm very aware of there being a chance of that and it adds to the list of anxieties! Now Christmas is over with I'm wondering at what stage he will want to come and have a talk about our next moves.

I'm now going to throw myself into job hunting, but as I've made clear to him, it could easily take months to get something, and I'm not willing to move out until I have a job. I think it's going to be a tricky line to walk over the next few weeks / months.

I have an appointment shortly regarding my will / joint tenancy severance and further advice on separation and divorce, and after that I can really decide to push ahead with an immediate divorce. I think that is still my preference.

The little 'bubble' of not doing anything until after Xmas / New Year is now over and I have to start all these processes, I feel stressed and exhausted and it's only just beginning!!

op i'd like to encourage you to amp up your business , not give it up. If you hire a person to help you, can you acquire some small contracts and put all this grieving energy into building a new life? Look at this as an opportunity to move on to a better life. Best of luck ,op- altho they say we create our own luck, so go for it, whatever 'it' is.

Amarmai - thank you for joining in. The reason I decided against getting more clients & carrying on with the business is, because it isn't guaranteed income, ie cancellations, if I'm ill or if I want time off, I don't have income for that / those days.

If I'm living alone that can make a big difference. As it's a domestic cleaning business, it isn't exactly mega bucks that we're talking about, and I came to the conclusion that going back to full time employment was the way I needed to go. I think it would be much less stressful knowing that I can pay my rent / mortgage on any given month rather than wondering!

I appreciate your thoughts though!

best of luck,op. You sound very level headed.

Hi soso. Good to hear you talk about moving ahead now. Good for you.

Inalsonagree. Don't give up the business. I have a cleaning lady who has built a really nice business. She used to clean my house with a couple of other girls. She doesn't anymore. Just helps out from time to time. She has a business model whereby 3 or 4 girls turn up and are gone in no time as they work their socks off whilst here. The original lady jims in for cover when needed. What pet of the world are you in? Need to doordrop an affluent area. What part of the country are you in county wise? I am constantly being asked to recommend good cleaners. Seems a shame to give up the hard work you must have put in so far.

On my side I am going away on Tuesday. I am doing to tell DH before I go that he has two choices. Either engage in the process and let's agree something with both of our interests addressed or as he currently wants, we go the court route. In which case I will only focus on maximising my needs and the kids. Have to find away not to sound threatening.

Angleshades I can understand that your a bit all over the place emotionally at the moment but is there really an harm in meeting up with this man but do point out that a relationship is off the cards for the foreseeable future. If i remember he was in the same boat as you are?.

sosolow48 re amarmai 's comment why not ramp up the business thing that I'd find would be well impressive that you could do that even if its just as you say a cleaning business who's to say that won't ramp up to something completely different and better?.

Sometimes people have been made redundant and that's triggered off some to do their own thing and their all the better for it. I stopped being answerable to anyone else 30 odd years ago now:-)

Best thing i ever did!

icandothis64 Like that can do and will do attitude!.

How are you soso?

Icandothis- hello, hope your business trip went well and you were able to leave behind at least some of your stress? I had my other solicitor meeting today which included changing my will, severing the joint tenancy and divorce / settlement advice. She basically confirmed all that the first solicitor told me which is good.

Quite by chance, Hubby came over tonight to set up a new printer for me. He was tearful as soon as he came in after our dog rushed up to greet him. After we had done the printer, I asked if we could have a chat and we went to sit in the lounge. Almost immediately he became tearful again but I ploughed on and explained about the meetings I had had over the past few weeks and what advice I had been given.

I stressed that I was absolutely not after 'all I could get' but just what I would be entitled to and what I would need going forward. He said I could have whatever I wanted but became a bit concerned about how he could manage to pay me a full settlement AND afford to buy me out of our house. I think he thought that we could sort out finances in a very informal way but I stressed that it would be better to give our full disclosure through solicitors. Does everyone agree with that?

He remained quite tearful and distressed throughout most of this conversation. He understood my reasons for wanting a divorce straight away but kept stating that he was 'terrified' that he was making a huge mistake. I'm afraid I did half heartedly accuse him of saying that only because he was hearing the financial implications for the first time!

He then admitted that he had been signed off work by his doctor throughout Nov and Dec (unbeknownst to me), and had been questioning and going over everything for a while.

So a strange evening all in all!! Not at all how I imagined this discussion would go!

Any thoughts, Ladies?

Oops, the third paragraph should read '...concerned about how he could pay me a full settlement AND buy our house'

Obviously settlement covers house!!

Hi soso. What a positive update. You seem really focused and to be able to stay clam and remain articulate is a credit to how far you have come so quickly. I am sure you have your down days but you seem really in control. Good for you.

Personally I not a huge fan of lawyers so don't really want to pay them for work I can do myself. So my preference, if you are both being reasonable, would be to take advise from lawyer, try and work things through between you, then give a copy to lawyer to advise. But only you know what will work in your situation. Either way I think you have done the right thing in laying it all out to DH in that fashion however you end up sorting things.

I am probably going to contradict everything I just said now! Business trip was a good distraction but half way that rough got text from DH can we try again? I said lets talks when I get back on Saturday afternoon. I got home at 4pm as planned. DH tells me DH went to pub at 3. He came home at 6. Ignored me until 10 whilst carried in drinking, then came into my room for 'the chat'. You can imagine how that went! Yesterday was hideous. Tried to hide out in my room but three times he came in. From saying he wanted to get back together for kids sake within minutes when I didn't agree, said some rally horrid stuff and had some huge rows. DS heard the one in evening and came and got into bed with me really upset. DH said he will not open any letters and cooperate with anything to do with the divorce. Will ignore everything. As far as he is concerned it's not happening. He told me I need to get over his thing with the nanny! It's not a big deal and what I am doing affects the kids and I am being selfish. He wants to be a victim. It looks like I will have to get him evicted I order to sell the house. He is assuming I wi t do that as it will upset the kids. I am in bits right now but have lawyer meeting on. Wednesday. And DH has mock GCSEs This. week. Awful timing for a showdown.

Sorry to be so longwinded. Been bottling it all up and crying myself to sleep.

Icandothis - I'm so sorry about your problems with hubby, to say 'you need to get over the thing with the Nanny', my god, how do they do it? We really are wired differently aren't we. It must be awful being in the same house when things are so tense, it really must. Time must feel like it's dragging.

After my chat with my H on Monday eve, he also came over last night with some figures. After I suggested it he has now booked a solicitor appt for Friday so he can also get some advice. Unfortunately it came to light yesterday that the house was already Tenants in Common and we had had a Declaration of Trust drawn up stipulating hubby's deposit and stating that the remainder of the equity be split between us. I don't feel too disappointed in that, it is what it is and I don't feel a great inclination to fight about it. I have informed my solicitor though to see what she thinks.

It does seem as though we're going to be able to be okay about sorting things out between us. However on an emotional level I feel like I've taken a little step backwards. After his upset on Monday, I was very tearful last night. I guess it's inevitable when you're forced to get together to chat about making things final.

He is still in a confused & tormented frame of mind and still in the throes of depression. Still intimating that he is worried that we might be making a mistake in divorcing, and yet when asked outright about getting back together he's unsure. He was talking yesterday about how he had read about people mending marriages just before a divorce. Against my better judgement and to my shame, I have found myself imagining whether we could make it work.

Sorry for War & Peace!! I feel quite rocky again today.

Sorry to hear of everything you are going through. Protect yourself, your DH sounds like he needs to see a counsellor independent of you to help him, but this is not your responsibility and you do not need to be on the fence waiting and hurting while he decides what happens. Remember you have a choice too.

On a practical note if you haven't yet purchased Word may I direct you to the FREE and equally useful Open Office. I have been using this for years without issue. You can save files as Microsoft Office type documents that can be opened by others using Word and other Microsoft programs.

Good morning Soso. Please don't think you are going backwards - you are definitely not. Just reread your earlier posts to confirm that. BUT. You are on a journey, as I know myself - there are good days and bad days. of course you are going to think about options - and its not shameful to consider getting back together. If that's something you decide to do - that's really your choice and you don't have to justify to anyone. At least you will set new ground rules and boundaries if that happens and be doing it for the right reasons. these last few weeks will help you decide that.

it will be interesting to see what your lawyer thinks about the original stipulation = especially given the length of your marriage. I wouldn't be at all surprised if that gets set aside.

My own lawyer apt got cancelled today as have to wait in for the heating engineer as we have had no heating all week. hopefully see him tomorrow. the last solicitor letter sent to my husband he put in the bin. I ahd been collecting them all in case in ever came to his sense. he rang me at work on Monday demanding to know why I had removed it from the bin and wanting it back. I can see now that he has read it and probably photocopied it to so I am hoping that he may have a lawyer at last - only time will tell. confusing given everything he said on Sunday.
men! bloody useless!