What if you just don't love him any more?

[itschristmasagain]

My DH is a lovely man. We have a DS (3), they adore each other. I just don't think I love DH any more. We got together when I was 22, I'm now 35. I care for him deeply, I don't want to hurt him. I know he still loves me and he is happy with his life. It makes me sad just thinking about the consequences of leaving, the hurt it would cause. Do people cause this hurt just because they aren't in love any more? I feel like I want to experience life on my own for a while, but that seems an extremely selfish thing to do.
We have a comfortable lifestyle, and perhaps it's completely mental to leave a comfortable life to become a single mum, but don't feel happy. We have a pretty non existent sex life, I'm sick of initiating it and he rarely does so we're down to every 6-8 weeks. This doesn't help matters.
I'm currently doing solo counselling, it doesn't seem to be helping with my decision making!!

Whatam1doing. How are you? How was your first New Year on your new adventure? X

Sorry if this has been suggested previously, but have you read "I love you, but I'm not in love with you" by Andrew Marshall? I went through this a few years ago and it really helped, as did couples counselling. Some marriages go through cycles, but others have run their course. Just explore as much as you can before you make any decisions, it is very, very hard

Wow choc, that is a perspective alright. Just when I think I'm going to leave you have made me think. And do you know what, you are absolutely right. I sit here night after night, feeling sorry for myself while dh gets off his head again. What the fuck am I doing.

I am in such a rut, never go out, and the worst of it is dd is as unsociable as both her parents.

It's Christmas, what's your plan of action, I need some motivation.

Thanks Samaritan I bought the book a couple of months ago. I've started reading it, I don't get very far each time because I don't want to explain the book to DH so I try and fit it in when he's not around.
How are things with you? Are you completely over this feeling or does it still stay with you even though you decided to stay in your marriage? I have this fear that I at not be able to get over these feelings even if I decide to stay.

I think I have periods where I am very happy and others where I wonder "is this it?" I don't think it's abnormal to feel unhappy or unsatisfied occasionally in a marriage, it cannot be passion and romance all the time, it just depends on what you are willing to live with.

I was in an emotionally abusive and eventually physically violent relationship for seven years, followed by a horribly intense relationship with a pathological liar who was also wooing a number of other women at the same time (and sleeping with one, I later discovered). When I met dh, I couldn't believe how supportive and well, nice, he was to me. I finally realised what a relationship should be like. I kept waiting for the put downs, the belittling, they never happened.

Unfortunately for women who are used to abusive relationships (my dad was a cheater also) when a nice, genuine man comes along we can find them boring. No drama, no pain, nothing to fight for - this often equates to no passion. I have to keep reminding myself that a healthy relationship lacks constant drama for a very good reason - it is not normal.

I don't know if your background is anything like mine, but if you have any kind of abuse in your past, then the way you feel is very common.

Sorry if I'm assuming too much - I'm a listening volunteer for a charity now and I hear this a lot from women with abusive pasts, but I also hear the same from women who have changed over the years and no longer love their partners in the same way.

I hope you can figure all this out, happy to chat any time x

Thanks Samaritan, I met my DH when I was 22. I didn't have a boyfriend before I met him. I had a few one night stands. When I look back I realise I had very low self esteem, let men use me really. DH was the first bloke that was properly into me to take me out on more than a couple of dates so I kind of got swept along in this and found over the years that although we've had some great times together I have always known his passive side is something that doesn't sit well with me. Thought about breaking it off a few times over the years but never could and progressed to marriage and a DS. I'm different these days to back then (still think my self esteem could do with a boost) but I feel more confident, more like I know what I want. I am very outgoing, ambitious, I'd love for my DH to join me in being energetic and embracing life but he's happy to coast along and I feel it saps my energy because I'm fed up with being the driving force. I'd love to be able to spur off him and creatively and energetically live a fulfilling life. Especially as I'd like my DS to thrive off being that way. But on the other side of the coin he is a lovely man, well liked, stable and a brilliant dad.

Ticktock, I'm starting a sewing class in a couple of weeks. I'm a pretty avid gym goer but I'm going to book onto group challenges for something to work towards. I work freelance so I'm pretty flexible in the week, I'm going to try and get some more work with other companies. I'm going to make more of an effort with booking dates to see friends, cooking meals for them etc. And I'm going to have a few more counselling sessions. Do you have any hobbies you can start up?

hello everyone,
sorry to hear so many people are in this difficult and sad situation.

I am too. Looking back I think I stayed with my dh as boyfriend cos I was soooo lonely at the time and ultimately we got engaged.... Fast forward 18 years, 2 dcs 11 and 7. DH severe mental health problems the last few years. Me reactionary depression and anxiety. But following a number of situations over the last couple of years, I feel like all my love, patience and respect has been used up. At the moment I don't like him.

However as many others, I'm also very aware of my marriage vows, of how much the Dcs love their dad and missed him when he was hospitalised for 7 weeks, and that I'm pretty flawed too. No sex (not helped by his medication) I used to initiate but have given up. He says he can't when there's no affection between us - which makes sense. But I don't feel like being affectionate, just sometimes crave physical intimacy. He's never expressed emotion, affection and was apparently attracted to my warmth.

He's at home a lot at the mo as working p/t. I am much happier when I'm on my own/with the kids/with friends.

We started relationship counselling which was helpful in providing a safe place to say stuff that I couldn't have done otherwise. But shortly after starting that he had a major breakdown so that's stopped. And now he's having individual therapy indefinitely.

waterangel your arrangement sounds appealing, but don't think I could handle that closeness on such a limited basis.

What to do? Who knows...

Wow christmas you have the same ideals in life as me. I need to get out there without him and get a bloody life. It would be great if it rubbed off on him, but I reckon hell would freeze over first.

I was a very avid gym goer for many years, but ridiculously I stopped going when I got a dog as I can't bear to leave him. I wonder if I could go in the evenings instead when everyone is home and dh is busy getting shitfaced.

Seeing more of my friends should be a priority here too, but I see little of them as I feel guilty because he has no friends at all.sad.

Its Christmas I completely get what you're saying about passivity and sapping energy. very similar here. Doing stuff outside the marriage helps - up to a point cos as someone else said, it highlights what's missing.

ticktack.
yes get to the gym and see your friends. His lack of friends is his problem.

That sounds very familiar - I'm a dynamic "spur of the moment" type, while dh is steady and sensible. I'm in a senior position and he has a good job, but doesn't have my ambition.

Unfortunately, in my experience high flying men who crave excitement don't make good long term partners. I couldn't be married to the men I work with - quite a few are casually dating most others who are married left their wife and children for a younger woman eventually and have second families.

I'm not trying to tar all successful men with the same brush, but sometimes it is useful to think about what the alternative could be!

PMd you OP :)

NC to join this thread as feel I have much in common with the OP and subsequent posters

I too have a DH who is ultimately a decent man and a good father but over the years we have somehow lost the closeness we once had, I don't feel that things are bad enough to split my family apart (muddle along well day to day and share parenting responsibility well, no abuse, we have similar views on life and lots of shared friends) but I don't fancy him any more or really feel any close bond at all and if we could separate without causing significant upset and damage to the DC that is ultimately my aim. We do very little together unless with the DC and have our own hobbies and interests which don't overlap much. It is such a big decision to make that I would rather take my time and not rush into something I might regret.

In the meantime, like WaterAngel, rightly or wrongly, I have found comfort elsewhere with a close male friend (also married). We too are very discrete and trust each other 100%. We have pretty much agreed that this arrangement can continue for as long as I want it to. If I separate from my DH then I would probably end the affair too as I think it would mess with my head too much and if I was free to see other men then it would seem sensible to find someone who is single (OM will never leave his wife and I wouldn't want him to)

I'm almost jealous of the women here having affairs! How lovely, if it suits you. Not sure I could ever do that but who knows. I need stimulation from somewhere. I do actually dream about sex with other men, and the other night I dreamt about sex with a woman I know. It was lovely in the dream, but when I awoke and realised who she was I was really really shocked. I am properly men only.

Sorry to derail to tacky

Ticktack - if you had asked me a few years ago if I would ever have an affair I would have said absolutely no way! I am not proud of what I am doing and absolutely no one IRL knows other than me & OM. I'm certainly not trying to promote it as an option but it is an option if you aren't prepared to end your marriage for whatever reason.

Yes I get you completely lady, sorry if you thought I was being judgemental. The way things are at the moment its quite an attractive option, but don't think I've got the balls.

jellyjiggles your dh doesn't sound very supportive. Would he look after the kids so that you can take up some hobbies? I can understand why you're frustrated as you seem to be the one serving everyone else's needs.

I am currently baffled again after a brilliant Christmas with dp. We need to decide whether to be celibate life partners or chuck it all away on the off chance of us finding something better.

itschristmasagain With reference to your earlier posting yes I am male and a 100% red blooded hetro too for what that's worth!.

I think that you have just grown comfortably apart, well your husband has perhaps its simply what he wanted a settled all good as he sees it relationship and that's the way he is. You OTOH have changed direction a bit and now want more. As i and others have said some women would give their right arm for the same, rather than the abusive, lazy, lying "insert word of your choice" prat they are saddled with.

And yet it will be a very big risk to split and all the grief that entails and maybe it won't be any better with someone else perhaps it might be at first there's always that new man woman novelty frisson etc, but when that's settled and the thrill is gone?, yep a very big risk.

A lot of marriages seem, like yours,to have that "me Captain and you First Officer" in them and sometimes people like it like that. I think that most all women despite what they might say like the man to have a bit of Go in him and lead. My second wife disliked me when i was too diplomatic asked her, her opinion too much, was a tad indecisive indeed one night in a argument she said "I wish you'd just bloody decide and stop asking me"! I said that I thought you'd just liked to be asked that's all. Can't win!

Still I think that your going to come to the point where something is going to go bang perhaps with another man who you might bump into or meet somewhere. The hobby thing, that might the the best thing to do overall after all its your life we all spend many years child rearing and supporting them and then wonder where do I /We go now after they have flown the nest etc.

I also wonder if it might change him too or is he too set in his ways?. still seems you love or care for him but just want the sparks to fly again in your life!.

Ticktacktock Bloody hell I gave up the weed back in the summer of 69 or thereabouts. To be still doing that in your Sixties and drinking lots doesn't bode that well for long term health. Look at the number of rock stars and musos that fall over young after substance abuse let alone the drink.

Wouldn't blame you at all of you moved on and left him!.

"If you always do what you always did, you'll always get what you always got..." So, ladies how about trying something different? Stop going around in circles, refresh needed. Blow away the ole cobwebs and go enjoy yourselves. Stop focussing on trying to fix your relationships and look at how to meet some of your own needs. What do YOU love to do? It's easy to get caught up in shitty problems and lose your sense of self. I know! maybe, just maybe, if you're feeling happier within yourself your relationships may start to flourish and grow again. Worth a shot

Can I join you please.
I'm in a similar situation, have been together since I was 19. We're married kids galore. We have been through a lot but our relationship has been dead in the water for atleast five years. Even had the fixer-baby, worked by distracting me for two years
I have tried to explain my unhappiness and distance and disconnect from him. He says he's happy, he sees no issues whatsoever. Thinks I'm the one with the issues so I should get fixed.

I'm sociable, outgoing and love to go out. I have always been able to do this with my friends but as I've got older people are getting into more couple outings or out to pull and I can't really tag along. He won't go out and is content to sit and drink wine (daily). The excuse used to be that he needed to look after the kids but now they're older and I have a babysitter I trust.

He is hard-working and very good at sorting the kids out. If I want to go out he'll give me time and space to get ready.

So what is wrong? He is an alcoholic in denial. He drinks till he passes out every night. It's so lonely. I have told him my issues with alcohol and how it affects our relationship and the effect in kids....

He turns around and says I'm selfish in not realising how stressful his job is and he needs alcohol to relax and sleep. He's on low dose antidepressants for anxiety (another reason he won't go out) and sleeping pills.

I want this to work but I'm also realistic that this is greater than me. I have suggested counselling which he agreed to but won't be any use as long as he drinks - that's the bigger issue.

I have read Codependent No More.

Well he's gone. ... feels very surreal

WhatAm1doing , he's really gone? Has he gone to his friends as agreed? It must be so strange, when you're used to him there all the time. How are the children feeling? Keep us up to date please xxx

Hi streetkid, sorry to hear about your problems. I can't really offer any advice, only an ear I'm afraid. My dh is an alcoholic. He drinks beer and also the really strong stuff like special brew. I suppose mine passes out every night too. He sits in another room drinking until he falls asleep, which is usually before 9. He will then snore really loudly until the early hours when he will come to bed and disturb me. The kids are used to it, we just shut him in the room and carry on our business with him snoring on the other side. A really bad example of a father. He has a stressful job, and is unhappy generally. He also smokes cannabis daily, which I abhor.

Mine refuses to go to counselling. He spent time in rehab where it was a compulsory activity for healing, and he found it a very harrowing time, so will not revisit. In our case there are other factors and he is sure they will also be revealed.

I told him I was leaving two days ago,an predictably he hasn't had a drink since. Of course it won't last, but I sat him down today when the kids were out and really gave it to him. There is more to come, but he believed that I will leave him if things don't change and that is what he needs.

He did tell me though that he has recently had suicidal thoughts, which quite shocked me as he was asked this by a psychiatrist, and he said no. He told me today that he lied.

As I said I cannot offer any advice, but you are welcome to pm me anytime, as our predicament sounds so very similar xxx

Tick yep he's really gone, it seems very strange but we parted on good terms we hugged and then he went, he's made arrangements to see kids when I'm out, but I'm not getting involved in that. Ive chsnged bedding made a few tweeks to the bedroom and put away anything he'd left lying around. Kids are amazing dd is so happy and jokey I can't believe I was so worried about her. Ds is calm and relaxed and keeps checking I'm ok, being the man of the house.