What if you just don't love him any more?

[itschristmasagain]

My DH is a lovely man. We have a DS (3), they adore each other. I just don't think I love DH any more. We got together when I was 22, I'm now 35. I care for him deeply, I don't want to hurt him. I know he still loves me and he is happy with his life. It makes me sad just thinking about the consequences of leaving, the hurt it would cause. Do people cause this hurt just because they aren't in love any more? I feel like I want to experience life on my own for a while, but that seems an extremely selfish thing to do.
We have a comfortable lifestyle, and perhaps it's completely mental to leave a comfortable life to become a single mum, but don't feel happy. We have a pretty non existent sex life, I'm sick of initiating it and he rarely does so we're down to every 6-8 weeks. This doesn't help matters.
I'm currently doing solo counselling, it doesn't seem to be helping with my decision making!!

what do people do in these situations, put up and shut up or make changes in the hope of living a happier life?

Well my mum wasn't in love with my dad (long story) and I knew she wasn't happy. It's amazing how much you overhear and pick up on as a child.

I knew enough to know she thought she was staying for my sake. In reality she needed the excuse to stay as she was a strong and independent woman who was strong and independent enough to leave for herself but didn't want to think of herself as weak.

She admitted it once years later.

For years I felt guilty that I was responsible for her sacrificing the best years of her life for 'my sake' when in fact she was never ready to go anyway. What do you think that sort of guilt does to a child and young adult?

Her staying in the relationship skewed my attitudes towards what I was aiming for with mine. I tried too hard to keep men that wernt right for me and was very hurt a number of times.

Staying together 'for the children' didn't work for me and it took many years to realise my attitudes were wrong to so many things.

Of course for my story there are a thousand others from people who say they are fucked up by their parents divorce. You can't do right for doing wrong so you might as well do what's right for you, whether that's staying or going and don't dress it up as being a choice that puts others first.

who was not* strong and independent enough to to leave

Thank you Puppy, it's great to hear a positive story. I'm glad things are going well for you now.
I think I'm going to have to just see how it goes. Try and make other changes in my life, I'm starting a new hobby in the new year and will make other changes with the way I'd like to live my life. Maybe doing this will dampen down areas I feel are lacking within my marriage. For me it could go either way. I've been talking to a couple of friends in RL and they both say that people have commented on how different me and DH are and that they wouldn't put us together as a couple. Not that I care what other people think in that way, it's not really their business but it's funny how the areas I have problems are noticeable to other people.

Thank you joysmum, having stalked these threads for a couple of months I have come to the realisation that you can't win. Whether you stay for the kids or leave, you are still creating some baggage for them to have to deal with. It's hard realising this. The best I can do for my child is create a loving environment, teach right from wrong and be open and communicative.

Yep I'm another one I'm afraid. I do love my DH but I'm just not sure I'm in love with him. Been together for 18 years. 2 small children.

I've not made any decisions yet because I'm not in a place to. My problem is I have nothing for me. I'm a sahm looking for a job but it has to work around DH and I have to fund childcare because his wage covers all bills, mortgage, cars etc. There nothing spare. We're not entitled to any financial help. I can't go to night school because of his work commitments and how do I pay? He's got hobbies, a job and independence I'm stuck at home bored, exhausted and depressed. I resent him for it. He'd give me more money if I asked but it's out of savings and I don't want to ask for pocket money. It's degrading. He has the kids when he's off but I always return to carnage and mess. He's horribly messy which drives me insane.

I'm fed up with being at home. We've had the talk which started in June and has continued. We don't have sex because it makes me sad. I've no sex drive anyway. He's never been a very passionate person so it doesn't bother him. I'm on anti depressants because I've got PND and I am depressed. My life is ruled by a toddler, an 8 year old and my husbands working hours and hobbies.

I love days out with him without the kids. I look forward to time on my own. I don't get ANY and I really need it. I'm sick of being told what we're watching on tv at night. I sick of doing everything for everybody else except me. This morning he told me we could have breakfast together. He was excited about it. I snapped at him because firstly it's not his choice whether I eat breakfast either on my own or with him and I'm fed up of being ruled by other people. He doesn't realise he does it. He's now sulking because I upset him.

He's off cycling today. Once again I've forfeited a few hours on my own so he can get out the house. I've done it because it's easier than living with a restless agitated DH. I will be going out on my own this afternoon.

Well we've had the conversation with the dc 16 &13 the 16 year old ds was aware of our plans and supported them, I was worried sick about dd she however came out with a line that proves kids dont miss a trick, "oh good it's been weird here for months and the summer holiday was horrid,...... can I go now?"

Whatam1doing, what a relief for you. How are you feeling? It seems as adults we impose our own feelings on to the kids sometimes and don't give them enough credit for them having their own views. Good luck to you. Please keep in touch with how things progress. X

I feel relieved for me, shocked and saddened by how bad it must hAve been for her and there was us thinking she didn't have a clue ....so Sunday he moves out and we start our new lives ....gulp. After 26 years that terrifies me but also exhilarates me. I will keep in touch Christmas I'll need hand holding I think as it progresses

It must be quite surreal after so many years together. Do you think you'll be able to do the 'dating' thing or do you think it has gone past that and it was something to say to make things easier. How is your DH?
We're visiting friends at the moment and some friends of theirs who we've met have split over Christmas. It was the woman who ended it. I find myself wanting to talk about their situation and find out how things are going for everyone, I feel like I'm being obvious and that my DH knows why I'm being so inquisitive.

If I'm honest the dating thing was just a way to make it easier for everyone else. I know I've gone past that but I might surprise my self and really miss him. DH is in full agreement that we've gotten lost and gone wrong not sure how he's going to be when he actually has to pack some stuff and go. I've told kids he can come back when I'm not in I have 2 regular nights out a week for a sport/hobby and have done for ages so they can get together then. I really don't know how much they will actively keep in touch with him. DD has gone off for a nye sleepover and ds is off to his girlfriends later and me and dh are going to different parties so this is the start of all doing our own thing.

itschristmasagain et al, I suspect that there are many on this board who would really like a settled relationship with a happy, least of the face of it dad and children, and yet othesr do not.

Is it just simply that your just bored of it all and what a change and perhaps a change for changes sake maybe?.

Their was another poster recently claimed the same thing as your saying

"I'm not happy but its all well"

as it were?.

Justaboy, for me I think it's more than wanting a change for change sake. Although I do wonder that if I make the change, will it be a case of the grass is greener. I guess I would have to live with it if it turns out to be the case. Because my situation isn't horrendously bad, it makes it all the more difficult to know what to do. I totally agree that there will be lots of people who would embrace the stability I have. I don't know how to get past the resentment I have, which has built up over many years of having a passive husband. I feel as though our life as a family is all on my shoulders. For me I don't feel part of a team, I feel like a manager.
I assume from your name that you are male? If so, could I ask from a male perspective, how would you feel reading what I have written here if it was your wife. Would you prefer for her to 'set you free' so to speak to meet someone who could love you for who you are or would you want the marriage to amble along?

Just name changed to join in if you don't mind. Same story for me. With dh 28 years. He's an alcoholic although won't admit it, and also smokes cannabis every day. I know my situation is different to all yours, as none of yours seem to have any bad habits like mine!

He was the same 28 years ago but it didn't matter as we were DINKY'S, if anyone remembers that acronym. I changed post kids, as you do, he hasn't. Says I knew what he was like then and I didn't mind,but now I've changed my mind and decided I do mind after all. WTF????????

Ive also had the talk, told him I was leaving. I'm such a coward I just can't seem to carry it through. Like others have mentioned he also suffers with memory problems, although I do realise its probably his addictions to blame. Even his mother has noticed that he forgets entire conversations,not just passing comments. He never seems to have any idea what's going on at home. Two kids, both busy, places to go etc. He has just no idea. I also asked him to get his hearing checked. He said he would when I had mine checked. Clever bastard. So I did. Last year. He still hasn't been, says he would if he thought there was anything wrong, we all just need to stop mumbling.

Tonight, he ordered a Chinese takeaway for delivery. The kids were starving and sat at the table while I tried to make sense of what he'd ordered. I couldn't, there didn't seem enough. I wasn't having one anyway. I asked him to sort it out, he shouted that I should do it as I answered the door. He was pissed and stoned by this point, as he always is after 5. Turns out he had forgotten to order dd1's meal. He tried to get her to have some of his. She said no thanks. He said well if you don't it will just go in the bin. She said well you shouldn't have ordered it then. I shouted don't you dare try to make her feel guilty. I tried to go out in the car to get her meal. She wouldn't let me, said it didn't matter and cooked herself beans on toast. I went upstairs and just cried and cried. Sorry that sounds so trivial reading it back.

Sorry to ramble, feeling upset tonight, just an accumulation of everything, and I'm hitting the wine bottle too hard myself tonight, but don't fucking care. Meanwhile he's back in the garage smoking his fucking shit.

I'm so sorry for the people finding life tough on this thread, I wish I could find the strength to do something. It's my new year resolution.

Love to you all xxx

Sorry to read all of this. There really is no easy answer.

Do I need to start my own thread? I need some advice

Please someone

Hi Ticktack. Just seen your post, feel free to post here.

Thank you, that's kind. I would like some advice or opinions.anything really, thanks

Hi Ticktack, sorry I didn't clock your name on your previous post.
I would imagine having alcohol and cannabis problems too would be very difficult to handle.
My DH and I had a party lifestyle until DS came along, I think because we had such fun with friends all the time we had something in common and enjoyed each other's company and had a lot of good times together. Now that times have changed it's apparent how different we are. My DH doesn't habitually use alcohol and drugs but I think if he did then I would certainly have an issue with it if I thought it was the cause of a lot of issues. In my opinion just because it was okay back then doesn't mean it is okay now. People have said to me you must have known your DH was passive when you married him so why do you have a problem now? Times change, people change. I think you can either work together in life or you drift apart.
Not that I am a fountain of knowledge with relationship issues, if I were in your shoes I would be having a serious chat about the alcohol and drugs, saying that if it doesn't change then it will spell the end of our relationship. I guess in a way it's easier to quantify, if he stops/cuts down down agreed level then you you can move forward if not then it's the end.
Do you have a gut instinct?

Thanks so much for replying. He told me this afternoon that he has stopped drinking as from last night. Really? Didn't see that one coming. I don't know if we can ever get back what we had even if he can cut out his vices, which I doubt. He's nearly 60 now and has lived and partied hard since his teens. Our early relationship was all based on partying and having a great time, just like you it sounds. I got responsible when we started a family. I did it because I had to. Well you do don't you. He never has. He has just continued with his party lifestyle. I am so sick of it, the constant Jekyll and Hyde character, as he comes alive when drunk and high on weed. He has never strayed though, and is always with us, which is also a problem!

Thank you so much for not judgeing me and really slagging off dh, you are really sweet to just listen. My gut instinct would be he can't live a normal life without crutches.

Thanks again x

Another perspective ladies... If you have a good husband who loves you, think long and hard about throwing it all away. Good men are hard to come by and the grass isn't necessarily greener on the other side. I hear your frustrations and can understand your pain but I also think that you shouldn't make another person responsible for your own happiness. How about giving yourself some love, care, pampering and appreciation? Broaden your horizons, make time for yourself, get a hobby, spend some time doing things you love. Happiness starts with you. You may be looking for some passion and excitement which you more than likely will find if you meet someone new, but no passion lasts a lifetime. You don't want to end up jumping out of the frying pan and into the fire and ending up with another problem: passion with an asshole!

For me it was about leaving because I realised I would rather be single than remain in the relationship I was in, not about counting on some sort of man-upgrade.

So so true choc

Thanks for posting choc, it is this different perspective that stops me from taking any action. Although it's not about being with another guy, it's about living a less frustrating life. Although I wouldn't want to be single forever so I still do think about the fact that I could be swapping one set of problems for another somewhere along the road.
I can't stay in this ambivalent state forever so I intend to start doing things for myself, hobbies and what not. My situation won't change over night, I have time to make changes within myself and work with my DH to try and get that loving feeling back. I'm also not going to over think any more. I'm sick of mulling the same choices over and over, and coming up with a different answer. I'm going to be more practical in the hope that things will take it's natural course, whatever that may be. I'm handing myself over to fate!!

Ticktack I hope your DH can steer clear of the booze. How do you feel about it? Good luck to you. X