What if you just don't love him any more?

[itschristmasagain]

My DH is a lovely man. We have a DS (3), they adore each other. I just don't think I love DH any more. We got together when I was 22, I'm now 35. I care for him deeply, I don't want to hurt him. I know he still loves me and he is happy with his life. It makes me sad just thinking about the consequences of leaving, the hurt it would cause. Do people cause this hurt just because they aren't in love any more? I feel like I want to experience life on my own for a while, but that seems an extremely selfish thing to do.
We have a comfortable lifestyle, and perhaps it's completely mental to leave a comfortable life to become a single mum, but don't feel happy. We have a pretty non existent sex life, I'm sick of initiating it and he rarely does so we're down to every 6-8 weeks. This doesn't help matters.
I'm currently doing solo counselling, it doesn't seem to be helping with my decision making!!

[Confusedwife1]

I wonder how the other people got on? I’m in a very similar situation. I have just fallen out of love with my husband. I don’t have any interest in him at all. Sexually or even just to chat to. I feel like I have completely checked out but just staying for my child. There is nothing terrible about the relationship. I no longer work, have a great lifestyle on the face of it but selfishly I am just not happy. I am having an affair but he’s very up and down with us. That’s another issue! Which I don’t think it’s particularly causing me to be unhappy with my husband. Anybody else feeling like this? Or is this just middle age and this is how it is for most?

[Orangers]

Oh sorry this is a zombie! But nice if the OP could come back

[Orangers]

Sent you a PM.

[Boredwife1]

Has anyone got any news on this topic. Anyone who originally posted? How things have gone?

[Eastie77]

itschristmas yes, there are times when we do get on and sit and have a laugh and I realise I like him in the way I like an old, affectionate friend but there are zero feelings of passion or desire. We are basically co-parents.

If I get really angry about something he will make a token gesture to amend his ways but he quickly slips back into his old habits.

I also think it will take time for us to go our separate ways. Right now I (selfishly) feel as if I do need him around as I am quite exhausted dealing with newborn + toddler. Also, thinking about it practically he has nowhere to go and does not have 2 pennies to rub together.

I asked him recently if he was happy and he said yes, he loves me and the kids and he thinks my anger is due to tiredness and a 'phase' I am going through. Not sure I believe him to be honest. I think he is just as unhappy as me and stays because he has no choice and nowhere else to go.

[12purpleapples]

I think thats definitely the case. One person has the opportunity to think all through and weigh up the pros and cons of the situation before they say anything, the other doesn't.
It was a process for me. I wouldn't have had the resolve to end it early on, I had to try to make it work a few times before I was certain there was no point in trying again. I feel very lucky with how things have gone though. It was rocky for a while, but my H sounds like yours, there is nothing wrong with him objectively, I just couldn't make it work as a relationship, and things had festered and got resentful. We have worked through it though, and we are now able to clearly focus on what is best for the children, and what works financially best for everyone.

[itschristmasagain]

purple Yes, I think I'm a long way down the road of thinking that I won't remain in my marriage. This weekend has been a sort of transition, I was incredibly upset on Saturday morning: the realisation that the future will not be with DH, that I will be hurting him, that I can't do this any more. We were able to talk about it, we talked about the possibility that we would split. I didn't force the issue too much as I realise I have had time to consider the idea of it, and I feel that I need to take it slowly for DH to come to terms with the realisation.
I read somewhere that splitting isn't just a case of being together one minute and not the next, and that it is a process and I definitely feel that this is the case. Not sure how long it will take, I need to gather the courage to make the move.

[12purpleapples]

I mean resentment if you stay - so if you are determined its over maybe better to action it sooner rather than later.

[12purpleapples]

I think if you are feeling that way then resentment will only build and make it more difficult in the long run. Hopefully if you are both reasonable people with shared interests at heart you can make the practicalities work, even if that does involve being business partners.

[itschristmasagain]

all0vertheplace The financial thing worries me too. I'm not sure how the mechanics of separating finances and running two households on our income would work. We I have a plan for making property work for us financially over the next few years, it would totally mess this up if we were to separate, unless DH and I could somehow agree to continue to see it through like business partners I guess. I feel a little naive in thinking we could do this but at the same time considering DH's passive behaviour he may well go for it!

Eastie77 Welcome. Interesting that you felt the same a year ago and that he turned it around for a while, sad that he couldn't continue and that you are back with the same feelings. My DH seems to be making little differences, he put the bin out the other day. I feel as though it's a little too late however, I can't seem to get back the love that I would expect to feel for my husband, I almost see him as a very dear friend and I don't know if I can change that back to feel a more lustful, lifelong, deep love sort of love, IYKWIM.
Once anger and resentment is in full swing about the apathy I fear the damage is done and it's an impossible task to rebuild the marriage.

[All0vertheplace]

I am following this thread closely as I see so much of my situation reflected here. Things have just petered out and I don't think either of us is getting much out of the relationship any more. At the same time, though, we are both committed parents and I have no idea how we could disentangle financially in a way that is fair.

[Eastie77]

I'm so glad I found this thread. Almost every single post has resonated with me, it's really quite scary.

I was reluctant to post (and hope you don't mind me joining) because I started a thread over a year ago about DPs apathy and laziness and was told in no uncertain terms to leave him. I even had a plan in place to do just that and told him. But then he turned things around a bit so we stayed together. I fell pregnant with DC2 who is now 3 months (we also have DD1 who is 2.5) but I realise that I simply do not love him.

The main issues are all ones already highlighted in this thread: his apathy, lack of drive, ambition & financial ineptitude. We have fundamentally different approaches to life. I like to have some semblance of a plan for the future, particularly now we have kids, whereas DP is happy to amble along with no idea as to what will happen in 5 minutes never mind 5 years.

We live in a property I own and he takes zero responsibility for any financial aspects of our life. He earns an average salary (but low for London) and is £2k overdrawn every single month so barely sees a penny of his wages when they go in. He just about pays his share of the basic bills but cannot contribute to anything beyond this so has never bought a single item of clothing or in fact anything at all for the kids. Any additional costs that come up (extra bills etc) fall on me. He has no plans whatsoever to tackle his overdraft and has rejected my suggestions as to how best to do this. I am currently on maternity leave and am scrimping and saving so that I can afford childcare x2 when I return to work as it is clear he will not be able to. He steadfastly refuses to get a better paid job even though it would be fairly easy to as his skills are in demand.


He exists in a bubble and will only rouse himself to do anything that directly impacts him. He does not care about the inconvenience this causes me. It's small things. For instance he refuses to drive. He CAN drive and has a clean driving license but doesn't like to so if we ever go anywhere that involves driving I have to do it. We attended his friend's wedding which took place a 4 hour drive away. He said he was happy to share the driving but then on the day said he didn't feel up to it so drove there and back. When I read the above back I do think "well maybe that's not such a big deal" in itself but it is just an example of how he passively goes through life with no sense of responsibility. Every practical problem we run into is met by him with a shrug of the shoulders and a sigh.

He has no friends. Barely socialises. Doesn't read newspapers or keep up with current affairs that interest me so we have limited conversations. He is a massive conspiracy theorist so when we do talk about anything in the news I just give up because he talks so much SHIT. I've run out of things to say to him so we mostly sit in silence in the evenings. Well I generally go to bed early at the same time as the kids now anyway so we don't really spend any time together. He is a very attractive man, women flock to him when he makes the effort to go out, but while I can objectively see the attractiveness I no longer desire him at all. I actually don't think I'd be in the slightest bit jealous if he flirted with or got involved with another woman. In some ways I think it would be the answer to my prayers. How twisted is that.

Also found myself nodding when I read the posts about those of you who have discovered unpleasant sides to your character as a result of all of this. I can be a complete bitch. I insult, belittle and chide him. Tut and roll my eyes, suck my teeth, raise my voice in public. I have walked out and left him in restaurants. I feel like a wailing, evil banshee. The worst thing is his response to all of this is to just look apathetically at me and there is no fight back. He just carries on as if nothing has happened. Sometimes after I have lost my temper he will wait for a bit and then quietly ask if I'd like a cup of tea. An hour later while I am still seething he will smile and try to make a joke.


The upshot is I am with him because it is convenient and I feel terrible about that. He does a a lot of childcare tasks and helps around the house if I nag him enough and can be useful at times. He happily stays in to look after the kids whenever I want to go out, wouldn't bat any eyelid if I wanted to go away for the weekend and left him with them. Several of my friends have told me they really envy me as their own husbands are useless with their children. I find myself thinking bitterly that at least their DH's take their responsibilities as providers seriously. DP is basically a lodger in my property.

He is not an unkind man. He doesn't have a malicious bone in his body. But I don't love him anymore. I think in the future I could attempt to build a life with someone else but right now I do not have the energy or inclination so I guess this is just my life for now.

[itschristmasagain]

Whatam, so please it's going well for you . It gives me hope that things can work out well.
Please do keep us in the loop!
X

[WhatAm1doing]

Going really well here, am shocked and amazed at how well my kids are taking this, everyone is so much happier the house is ringing with laughter, I'm sleeping better than I have in years. H has been in touch with dc and is seeing them separately over the weekend, he's not been in touch with me and I haven't felt the need to contact him... Am ringing my solicitor on Monday to get an appointment.

[itschristmasagain]

How is everyone doing? Any developments? X

[itschristmasagain]

Boys, what you have written is the same for me.
In the last few weeks I've not told him about some stuff, none if it's important. But I'm becoming even more stubborn than usual! I think why should I bother arranging/sorting all the time for all of us when DH doesn't seem interested if we have stuff planned or not. I'm just getting on with my own shit, if he wants to sort some stuff out then fair enough.

Same here, my DH says there is NOTHING about me that annoys him. Seriously? Nothing? It's just so passive. I'm willing him to get some fire in his belly, spark some sort of passion.

He bought me flowers yesterday. I am such a bitch.

[Boysarebackintown]

Thanks its Christmas and WhatAm
Everyone on here I realise has their own unique take on things, but there are so many of the things on this thread that ring true for me. I still don't know what to do, although its helping me just read that I am not completely mad having these thoughts.
for all.
I am going to suggest counselling as I think this is the only way we might have a chance. I realise that the issues I am raising are all about him and I also know that I have my own faults and do things that must also drive him crazy. To his credit (he is a lovely guy) he is not critical of me at all. That makes it harder really as I think even a negative go at me about my faults might at least show he has dome passion!

Its got to the point where I don't even really tell him about things that are going on...eg my friend has a charity event coming up...I want to go but cannot be bothered to even tell him because I don't know how I feel about going out for the evening with him IYKWIM.

The thing that is worrying me the most is that it has become so frustrating living together with little closeness and much apathy on his part, that I let my frustrations show too much. For example, the little things of him not doing anything or deciding anything just drive me mad so I have a little dig at him and he counters back (not really an argument just back and to). My eldest DC has picked up on it and does not like what he calls the "bickering" and my youngest will actually say things like "yeah dad and you forgot your anniversary" in a jokey way. But I know that means they are not being shown a good relationship. Sorry gone on too much again.

[Ticktacktock]

Hi Ladylou, sorry to hear of your situation, it does sound extremely difficult, and you have tried counselling and separation already I'm afraid I can't offer any advice but please do feel free to come back and vent anytime.

Tell me to mmob if you want, but why didn't he want you to have the gastric op?

[LadyLou30]

I've been reading this thread for a while as I feel as if I don't love my husband and I've actually just told him tonight, he's gutted and so hurt and I just feel like a horrible person. We've been together for 13 years and married not even 2 years. We have two young DC. We've not been happy for years and I had PND for a few years which didn't help. It came to a head last year when I quit my job and booked myself in for gastric surgery. My mum paid for it and he felt very out of the loop in the decision making. The truth is I did leave him out a bit as I knew he wouldn't agree (which he didn't) and in the end I told him if he wouldn't support me he could go. Obviously this is at the end of a long period of our relationship having completely broken down. Anyway I got the surgery in may last year and we did decide to seperated and get some space from each other in the hope it would help. In the meantime he was having an 'emotional' affair with an old friend of his which I did overlook as it wasn't really the cause of things being shit, just one of the results.

Like other men here, he's not abusive. He can be a little controlling with money but I think that's cause he wants to make sure we have enough. He did spend a lot of our early relationship being quite disinterested in me I felt, I never felt good enough and he was quite negative, judgemental and critical. He's very emotionally strong and quite self sufficient and I think he thinks everyone should be. I'm quite an emotional person. I was just so grateful to be with him and completely besotted with him up until we had our first child nearly 6 years ago. It took him a while to come round to being a parent as he was quite selfish. He has a lot of hobbies and loves time to do them. It just got worse and worse and we almost split but I fell pregnant with DD from the one time we had sex that year I think.

In a bit of a postnatal haze we got married and I just knew I'd made a mistake. We made each other miserable. Neither one of us is at fault, I feel we are both to blame for the breakdown of our marriage. He moved out last year for six months and we did try counselling. I thought we were OK but mostly he was so unhappy he moved back in just before Xmas. It was like nothing had changed, we didn't communicate and didn't talk for days. I find intimacy with him very difficult, I don't want to kiss or cuddle and certainly not have sex. Even tho after a 7 stone loss I feel loads better and he's very attractive. I just don't seem to want to. He doesn't sleep well so he sleeps on sofa most of the time.

Tonight I told him I'm just not committed to making it work and want to move in with my mum. I don't know what's wrong with me. I love our family, but just don't seem to love him :( I don't know what to do. I've really hurt him :(

I'm so sorry this is so long.

[itschristmasagain]

Welcome Boys, the more the merrier.
This thread is really helping me, thanks to everyone who's joined.
Do you have any idea of how you would like to change things? Could you do counselling? Has it always been this way or have things changed recently?

[itschristmasagain]

Ticktack. I am certainly trying throughout the day to be more positive about stuff. I start my class next week, so I'm looking forward to that. I'm looking into doing a bit of abseiling! I am definitely doing more stuff for myself, not sure if this is a way of detaching myself. Time will tell!

[colouringinagain]

itschristmas thanks, yes I would consider it, only you're not supposed to do couples counselling when one person's in individual therapy... and not sure how long that will be.

ovaryhill I am also vv susceptible to other men being kind. Even more so to someone who's fond of me. I guess its fortunate that I don't find him remotely attractive otherwise I'm not sure I could stop things getting messy

[WhatAm1doing]

Boys you are me!! But I've dealt with it and hes gone only since Sunday but we are ok so far.

[Boysarebackintown]

Hi everyone. I hope you don't mind me coming on here itschristmas onto your thread. So much of what PP have written, especially you has resonated with me. My DH and I have been together over 20 years, 2 DC. The thing is there's just nothing between us anymore. He is a lovely person and everyone he knows would say so, he loves me and the DC there is just no harm in him at all. He has a good job, works hard and we have no issues with money etc. But that's not enough for me (maybe that's selfish). We have no excitement or passion in our lives (def no sex, but it's not just about that tbh) and everything we do has to be arranged or initiated by me. Going out, holidays, days out with kids, none would happen if I didn't mention it or arrange it. He forgot our wedding anniversary last year, and seems to be checked out of family life a lot of the time. I am just sick and tired of the apathy and lack of effort he puts into family life and his relationship with me. I work and enjoy the time with colleagues, have a few friends I see in my own. We have few friends as a couple and a small extended family. Over Christmas we did not have anyone over to the house nor go out with friends anywhere, when I got upset about this he just shrugged. He said he would text some mutual friends to ask them over for a meal..... I waited to see if he would, nothing happened. I find it frustrating and feel like I am just a shadow of the person I was when we married when I had plenty of friends and social life. I feel that it's affecting the DC e.g. They never invite friends here. He won't plan financially, just says yes we should get around to it .....but he is mid 50ies and does not have any financial plan to retire, it's just part if the apathy (do it tomorrow ...) I like him but don't love him, I just feel our relationship has run its course but don't know what to do....I think his view of the world is very much 2 people get married and have kids and that's it. If we split I would very much be the villain if the piece. I don't know what's best for him DC or me. Sorry for writing so much.

[Ticktacktock]

hi itsChristmas, yes he's still off the booze. tonight we're sitting down and doing an agreement of what we want from each other. well, it will be more what I want really. don't know where I posted it now, but he made an admission of having suicidal thoughts, so I will be making him go to the docs.

I said he was an alcoholic but he hasn't had any withdrawal symptoms, and he disputed it, so now not sure.

how's things going with you? have you started your new and improved lifestyle?

when me and first dh split, I was in a bad way, a really bad way, for 10 days. then I discovered there was a life to be had. dh2 knows this, so could be nervous I will grieve similarly for him