What if you just don't love him any more?

[itschristmasagain]

My DH is a lovely man. We have a DS (3), they adore each other. I just don't think I love DH any more. We got together when I was 22, I'm now 35. I care for him deeply, I don't want to hurt him. I know he still loves me and he is happy with his life. It makes me sad just thinking about the consequences of leaving, the hurt it would cause. Do people cause this hurt just because they aren't in love any more? I feel like I want to experience life on my own for a while, but that seems an extremely selfish thing to do.
We have a comfortable lifestyle, and perhaps it's completely mental to leave a comfortable life to become a single mum, but don't feel happy. We have a pretty non existent sex life, I'm sick of initiating it and he rarely does so we're down to every 6-8 weeks. This doesn't help matters.
I'm currently doing solo counselling, it doesn't seem to be helping with my decision making!!

This is my life too - except it's been 18 years now and I'm early 50s, and I look back to my mid 30s self and regret FOR ME, not having had the guts to leave then, when I first realised love had died and companionship was left.

But I do not regret it, for my DC's sake - I think it has been better for them that we stayed together. He's been a good dad and altogether more stable than me.

Like Water, I also found affection sex and connection outside the family home, but if I'm honest this only made me more aware of the compromises and losses I had agreed to in family life, so all in all became too painful to continue. So I stopped.

Oh now I feel so bad that I've decided to break everything up, should I really stay for the children? Ds wants his dad gone dh really has ruined that relationship, but dd .....
I don't know if I could find sex and affection outside the home that would feel so wrong. ...but then who knows.

It sounds like your DCs will be OK if you split? It seems like you would only be delaying the separation for 5 years anyway until your DD has moved out, and do you want to spend those years in an unsatisfying relationship? Especially as your DS also wants him out.

Same here. Just biding my time until DD starts school, then I can look at my options then.

Am nearly 44, not had sex for over years, and it was always initiated by me prior to that. It's soul-destroying.

He checked out mentally about 8 years ago. He is so disengaged & disinterested. I cannot live like this for the rest of my life.

I feel so sad for myself & mentally go back over all the red flags & times I should have left him.

I don't want to have an affair, but I do want to ask him to leave in a few years, when childcare costs will be less & I can support myself & DC.

Thanks to all for sharing your stories.
Waterangel, thanks for being so honest. Like you say, it's not for everyone but I do wonder if it is a way to get through life without completely messing up my DS's life. I'm not sure in reality I could keep it up, like buckingfrolicks I think it would reinforce how I feel on a day to day basis.

Buckingfrolics, your post made me think that if things carry on like this, will I regret not having built up the courage to leave. The thought of having a regret like that makes me feel quite sad. I feel as though I have to be true to myself and at some point (ie next couple of years) things need to change. I've thought lately that actually I'm not entirely sure that it is a completely healthy environment for our DS. We provide a loving, comfortable home for him but I do snap at my DH quite a lot and I take my frustration of our situation out on him. So although we don't have arguments I feel the underlying resentment is in the air and possibly DS will start to pick up on this. I don't think the way I speak to DH sometimes is a good example to be setting and although DH would never admit it I wonder if I perhaps don't help with DH's self esteem.

Whatam1doing, I think if both you and your DH are in (sort of) agreement of your situation I would be doing the same as you. If my DH could agree our situ isn't great then it would make the decision easier.

I've been wondering if maybe I stop trying, ie counsellor suggested a few techniques to help our situation. I know it is mostly down to me to keep trying, because DH is so passive, so if I stop, then everything would just slowly decline. I think if I take this route and slowly build more of a life for myself outside my marriage then maybe DH would start to understand it isn't great and perhaps start to fall out of love with me and think maybe he could have a better life without me. What a completely sad state of affairs!

"'m 35, I want a bit of passion and excitement and I've sadly come to the realisation that my DH can't provide it. Where does it leave me!? Looking elsewhere like WaterAngel, leaving, or just making do. All 3 options to me seem like such a difficult choice."
^
This spoke to me so much. I've only been married 3 years, but it's sexless and passionless, and I had to promise to myself I'd stop initiating as it's just too hard to be rejected all the time. Now that I have, I've found any vestiges of attraction on my part are pretty much dead, anyway.
He refuses to talk to me about it or talk about counselling.
Over the last year I have basically binge eaten to make myself as unfuckable as he makes me feel. And hey! It's worked. I also cut off my hair. No man would desire me now.
Ds adores him so I don't think I could break it up.
Thanks for writing my choices out so starkly, Itschristmas.

I don't think that you can hope to make them fall out of love with you and go some other place, its just unrealistic with men like that I think.

Would love to give everyone on this thread a big un-mumsnetty group hug, especially to julietee. Your post almost made me cry. Wish I could do something to help you x

There's a lot of sadness on here, and for very good reason...

bucking thank you for your post, it's given me something to think about, that I hadn't considered properly. Deep down though, I think I'm doing the right thing for me because my behaviours were starting to get out of hand, as in downright risky. All fuelled by what I can only describe as quiet despair.
That sense has lifted now. It's still v early days for my new connection, but I know there's already a deep sense of empathy between us, and a sense of gratitude to each other.

So- I don't know what's in my future, but it's gotta be better than the past few years

My younger child is only 7, and we've a teen that really requires a lot of attention, and really needs a stable, steady home. And that's what I'll deliver. But I'll be damned if I will sacrifice absolutely everything to do it.

water any hug or physical contact would be gratefully received.

Thank you WaterAngel.
Even though it's all anonymous I feel a sense of connection with all of you ladies. It's comforting to hear that other people know how I'm feeling ( although not nice for all living this way!)
A friend of mine was married to a very controlling man for a few years. It's not the same situ as us as I would leave him in a heartbeat rather than living in this ambivalent state that I currently live in. She left the marriage by having an exit affair (not good but I understand why she would) Her new chap is lovely, and they are both very happy. He was married and his wife left him a few years ago. My point is that it's comforting to see how two marriages ending can actually bring happiness. Her new chap and his ex have a very good co parenting relationship and their DS is very well adjusted despite having divorced parents. I suppose what I'm trying to say is that I've realised life does go on, life is what you make it. People fall in and out of love each day. It's actually not a crime. It might cause hurt and upset but actually people get through it. Good may actually come of it, people might actually live happier lives. I'm clinging on to the hope that if my DH and I do go our separate ways then we could parent our DS in a mature way with his best interests at heart. I really do believe that DH would think in the same way as me on this so perhaps our DS would not be affected too greatly by having separated parents. And I think if my DH met someone else he could actually be happier.
I'm actually thinking of going to see a psychic/clairvoyant to see if they can shed any light as to which way I should go. As I wrote that I realise how mental that must seem!! X

I've also been thinking, is this just how marriages end up? Do they just naturally end up a bit meh and passion-less. One could upset the apple cart, move on, meet someone else and it all just end up the same. How depressing!
Reading posts on here, I wonder if there are generally 2 types of husband, passive or controlling. If you first married a passive one then you crave someone more assertive but if you married the more assertive then you can't see why anyone would leave a passive, easy going one!

Oh Itschristmasagain the passive partner is hell, in these situations, because there's no chance - none - that he will instigate any change, good or bad. And the entire decision is left on your shoulders.

I blanched when I read your comments about your interaction with your DH. This is the thing that I think has been most damaging to my DCs, who are 17; they have grown up with a passive, tolerant unemotional, disengaged father who is best described as the family butler, and a mother (deep breath, Bucking) who they have seen snipe, carp, blame, sneer, and rage, at their father. What they have not seen between us is hand-holding, cuddling, hugging, kissing, those open smiles of pleasure at meeting each other.

They have seen us working as a team, they have seen their parents express and own their anger, sorrow, guilt, shame, regret, affection, appreciation, and forgiveness - by which I hope, I so desperately hope, they have seen a real relationship at work, albeit not an 'in love' or indeed (shit shit this is hard to admit!) a loving relationship.

We get on - share values, share some interests, he's a good man, a good dad. We're fine, most of the time. But he brings out the worst in me, not the best - and vice versa, I'm absolutely sure of it. The nastier sides of my character get summoned out of me, over and over.

But I'm a fucking coward, and that's the bottom line. Perhaps you are braver than I -

Bucking, would you consider leaving now or do you feel it's too late to make that change?
I relate to what you say about bringing the worst out in each other. I'm constantly frustrated, I snap, tut, roll my eyes. He can be passive aggressive. It's like we're a couple of moody teenagers sometimes. I try to engage in adult communication because I'm sick of it, but I think it's been going on so many years it's become habit. He has a terrible memory, to the point I've asked him to see the doctor, he didn't commit to booking an appointment, I don't think he will. Typical non action behaviour from him. He knows it's a big deal for me, we'll have conversations which he clean forgets, we'll do things and he'll forget we've done them. I don't know if it's a medical issue or if he just can't be bothered. He rarely instigates anything, it is left to me. So you're utterly correct when you say that it is all on my shoulders to make any change. When I think about these things I definitely want a different life (free from the constant trust ions) but on the flip side he's a good man, stable, loyal and a great dad. And we do have a laugh together sometimes! How on earth does one decide which way to turn?!

Ha. What is it with these passive men

Mine has never gotten a full driving licence. Is heading for three years late now for taking a medical MOT that he promised he'd take. Hasn't even been to the dentist for years.

Do you know what, I just let him get on with it now. No more nagging, beseeching, nit-picking. As long as he pulls his weight at home and with the children- which he does in spades, I let him get on. I have other fish to fry.

Christmas, the more you describe the more I relate to what you're saying. Forgetfulness to the point where I think he's no longer passive, but passive-aggressive: he 'knows it's a big deal' for you, but he forgets.

The passivity leaves so many gaps, or spaces, which I have stepped in to fill, and over the years I've got 'bigger' and he's got 'smaller' in almost every way in our life. My terror is that I'm turning into the Red Queen from Alice in Wonderland.

So yes I do consider leaving. It has been very very much on my mind the last 12 months - we are in DC's last year of school. Money complicates matters (as ever) but if I accepted a drastic change of lifestyle then it would be doable financially. I even think DP would in the end be able to work with me on the separation, not be an arse about it (he's a good man!). But... but...

And around it goes - we have shared memories, we have a laugh, I have so lost interest in men, or perhaps an intimate life of any kind, that I look around me and think well, actually my DP isn't at all bad compared to the utter shits, wasters, out there. I look at my friends' partners and thank god I don't live with them. So then I think, what's the fucking point of all that disruption and emotional mayhem, perhaps it is I who is the dysfunctional person, who would not be able to be happy with anyone...

So I have found refuge in work, and in my DCs, over the years. Now, my work is unfullfilling and I have the option of giving it up/doing something else, and my DCs are shifting out of my life so that source of intimacy and connection is ebbing.

So I'm contemplating more drastic action - a move abroad? A move to a very different part of the country with a very different lifestyle? Voluntary work overseas? Lesbianism?

Then I plug into MN or a book, or the TV, and time passes and another year's gone... all because I'm too indecisive and scared. I so wish he would come home and say 'that's it, you're a bitch and I'm leaving'.

Water, just letting him get on with it is a great step and has helped no end in my house, to bring a level of peace. But it does mean a loss - we no longer discuss things that effect our house/family beyond the transactional. And it means so many things around the place that are falling to pieces, incomplete, wasting us money, because he won't fix/improve them, yet won't let me make those improvements.

We have our roles and responsibilities which we have I suppose tacitly agreed to over the years. Now I think about it, one of the things that makes me stay is that he does take his responsibilities in the house/as a father seriously, and I'm too lazy, too scared, too overwhelmed, to want to take those things on in addition to the 'stuff' I already do, which becomes another reason I stay.

Yes Bucking, I too think 'just tell me I'm a bitch and I'm not putting up with it any more!
When I tested the waters about not being happy and that things need to change, I said to him 'you can't possibly like the way I speak to you sometimes', he just said he was used to it. Surely he has an opinion about that, surely he has a little bit of passion to challenge me on it. My shrink said I might like to ask him if he's a bit frightened of me sometimes, so I asked him. He said he wasn't and thought it was quite a funny thing to ask. So I think he genuinely lets in wash over him.
If I knew that DH would find happiness with someone new then I would be leaving. The guilt about destroying the future we set out upon together is so big, I think that is what is holding me back. Having spoken to my friend's new chap about his successful co parenting I feel sure that we could achieve this.
For me it's not even about meeting someone new. I know I would have to make all the decisions that I make now, do all the chores that I do now, instigate all the things that I do now, but the thought of doing all those things without the frustration of a passive, 'along for the ride', forgetful DH seems liberating. When DH was away for a couple of days before Christmas, I felt calmer. DS and I had some quality time together, I know he thrived on it because he responded so well to me. I'm usually so distracted with thoughts of why things don't get done, why is this and that left to me, why don't you organise some shit bla bla bla that it affects my relationship with DS.
I just don't want to hurt DH. I said this to him when we had our chat, he replied with 'that would be inevitable'. Would that be classed as passive aggressive?
I like your options for a drastic life change Bucking!!

Hi there, ladies. I am in a similar situation.. Together for 10 years, married for 8. I'm in my mid thirties. DH thinks everything is fine and still wants sex (I feel like it once in a blue moon, so he's stopped asking). He is very caring and sweet, but infuriating in several seemingly smallish, but important, ways (procrastinator, hoarder, a business doormat...). Also, while I never really fancied him much (he is also over 12 years older than me), I managed to find other things compensated for that. However, now... nothing. I just want to be alone, but practicalities and money situation (pretty dire with meagre hope) mean that I need to stay until I at least finish my master's in two years. DS will be 7, nearly 8, so probably could take it (would be painful, of course).

He has helped me through a lot, so feel bad about even thinking about leaving him, but this is the reality, and I could not help having had MH problems including pnd.

I think I would like to live around the block from him to have an occasional natter (he is very similar to me in many ways and we agree on most things), but to have my own space otherwise.

I also do not have anyone else. Neitger do I really fancy anyone. I just need a space away from DH-alone, or with someone else (if I can find anyone).

I am sleeping in spare room now. I am numb and don't know what to do.
My last husband walked out 8 years ago and met this one 7 years ago. He has mended me in so many ways and yet......I want to be on my own. I have 3 DCs...youngest is 10. I truly don't think they will miss him. He is exhausting to have around and very needy. He adores me ,true.
Just needing to read your posts to see if it helps clear my head.....

OP - you talk about your DH so I assume you're married. As part of your vows I imagine you promised to take each other for better or for worse. Apparently you didn't mean it.

"comforting to see how two marriages ending can actually bring happiness"

Hum, food for thought. Seems to me that it for the greater part is times change, people don't and passion is sadly lacking.

Perhaps marriages do have a shelf life ?.

This could have been me writing this earlier this year. I met DH same age and am same age as you now. One DC.

I kept telling him I felt unhappy. He asked me what he could do to change that. I didn't know, I was just so bored. I wanted him to be more spontaneous, charismatic, outgoing etc... But that's not who he is so he struggled, understandably. We hit an impasse one night and the next morning he left. I was inconsolable but accepted his choice. He felt same and came back within 24hrs.

I confided in my mum and she told me I had to do something for me. I said what made me happy and always has, is horses. She facilitated and husband agreed.

8 months on I have a friend's horse on loan and another joining her in a few weeks hopefully and whilst we still need to try harder with sex, we talk so much more and all the things that irritated me actually made me realise he's a keeper because he loves me and is supporting me with something massively expensive and time consuming but knows it makes me happy.

Now I'm busier and more content I try harder to support him and not take him for granted. His parents are going through hell in their marriage currently and he keeps saying how much he values our communication.

Not saying this would work for you but hope it helps xx

Nanofone, yes I'm married and yes at the time I thought my DH and I would last the distance. I didn't think when I took my vows that I would think this way, of course. I met him when I was 22 and I'm definitely a different person now, I didn't expect to feel differently but I do. No ones fault. What do people do in these situations, put up and shut up or make changes in the hope of living a happier life?

What do you suggest Nanofone?