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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

works do last night, no wedding ring on Dh this morning

577 replies

Onedayinthesun · 18/12/2015 15:06

We have been together 18 years, 2 Dc and an adult Sc.

No trust issues ever, have never even questioned his faithfulness, I have not once been concerned about anything that would point to cheating at no point in our marriage.

He went out last night to his works Christmas party, I heard him come home at 5am. He slept in the sofa in the kitchen last night at 7.30am I told him to go to bed, he was still drunk - no wedding ring on his finger. I found it in his inside pocket of his suit.

Devastated.

There is no point even asking him why - there is only one reason a man would do this.

I couldn't confront anything this morning I needed to get my kids to school and go to work. I'm numb thinking about what he has done last night, Christmas is ruined.

I have to face him tonight and don't want the kids to find out, he doesn't know I have his ring, I can't talk to anyone in rl

OP posts:

Joysmum · 20/12/2015 16:38

Bobblehat I'd end my my 22 years with my DH if I knew he was going out on the pull, even if by bad luck he didn't mange to.

There's a big difference between looking and actively trying.

I've been cheated on before and monogamy is expected from both of us.

So yes, really, I mean really.

Original poster

Onedayinthesun · 20/12/2015 16:48

Had his confession which came easily once the kids had gone out.

Left the works party, CEO took a load of them to a strip club then to a nightclub, admits he took his ring off. Cunt.

Can't explain himself and knows what a dick he has been. Apologised and cried.

I cried too because I've been let down and fed a load of lies initially.

There was a fight , he tried to break up on the way home but his wedding band had nothing to do with that.

He swears nothing happened with anyone else, because of the state of him and how much he drank my instinct says this is the truth.

I'm am not going to leave my marriage after 18 yrs together but I'm looking at our relationship very differently now and it's going to take time for him to regain my trust. He has a lot of work to do.

Thanks everyone who chimed in you have all helped me with perspective

OP posts:

goodnightdarthvader1 · 20/12/2015 16:49

Bobblehat has clearly never heard of people having a shag in an alley.

Not that I'm saying that's what happened, but it's not outside the realms of possibility.

Original poster

Onedayinthesun · 20/12/2015 16:49

I've still got his ring and haven't told him, I'm not ready to give it him back yet

OP posts:

CreepingDogFart · 20/12/2015 16:49

Glad you've had some explanation off him

goodnightdarthvader1 · 20/12/2015 16:50

X-post, well done, OP, glad you're satisfied he came clean. Hope you two can get past this x

SmallLegsOrSmallEggs · 20/12/2015 16:51

Op. Glad he came clean and hopefully this is an end of his stupidity and the beginning of him making up for it.
Also hope he gives CEO a wide berth from now on (taking staff to a strip club is discrimminatory btw so the stupid fucker should grow up).

Good luck op.

pictish · 20/12/2015 16:53

Let him think he's lost it for a bit.

SladeGreen · 20/12/2015 16:53

Damn right he has a lot of work to do.

I wouldn't be handing the ring back in a hurry either, OP. He doesn't deserve it.

Seeyounearertime · 20/12/2015 16:57

OP will end 20 odd years of good marriage because DH removed ring on a night out.
Let's say you are all right and he did actually talk with another woman.

Removing a ring and talking to someone whilst away from OH are two innocent actions..... BUT
The possible intention behind those actions is anything but innocent. As far as I am concerned, if my partner spoke to someone with he intention of cheating then they may as well have cheated because the trust has all ready been destroyed. As far as I'm concerned Trust is a corner stone of a relationship, no trust, no relationship.

JohnLuther · 20/12/2015 16:58

I'm glad he's come clean.

It's not discriminating against anyone if the CEO takes staff members to a strip club.

LeaLeander · 20/12/2015 16:58

But has he really "come clean" ? He admitted the behaviour but not what is underlying it. What motivates him to want to appear single and free? That's what would be worrying me. In vino, veritas, as they say.

Bobblehat10 · 20/12/2015 17:02

So DH goes out with works party, goes to many clubs and takes his wedding ring off. Not great behavior, but not the worst in the world
DW thinks he's a cunt for this, and not doubt told him she had tracked his phone (?)

Not sure who the guilty party is here, and yes, I think there is a trust issue.

EchoOfADistantTide · 20/12/2015 17:04

Maybe he just felt odd and out of place in a strip club with a wedding ring on?

As in "what is a married man doing in here".

longingforfun · 20/12/2015 17:07

At least he was honest in the end. I think the op needs to pt it behind her now and get on with their lives. No point in further recriminations

icandothis64 · 20/12/2015 17:10

Good luck Oneday.

Devastatedcoconut605 · 20/12/2015 17:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LibrariesgaveusP0wer · 20/12/2015 17:12

Well, if you believe that what he has now told you is the truth, you've had a lucky escape really.

People do very silly, eternally damaging things to their marriage. Thinking about sleeping with someone else (even if there had been a specific Someone Else) doesn't need to be one of those IF you use this as a chance to find out what is going on under the surface of things.

I wouldn't put it behind me. I'd see it as a big red flag that both of you need to work on your marriage (assuming he's not simply a cunt, which you don't seem to think he is). Whether that is a long chat, more quality time together, even counselling. Whatever it is, you caught it before he crashed the car. Which is something to be grateful for.

BathtimeFunkster · 20/12/2015 17:16

It's not discriminating against anyone if the CEO takes staff members to a strip club.

Wrong.

Unless it was a strip club where men and women were both doing humiliating nudey dances to show how powerful men AND women with money could get them to debase themselves sexually for money, then a strip club is a highly discriminatory place to be taking people on a work outing.

moopymoodle · 20/12/2015 17:18

Hmm OP I would dig deeper on this as even if hes telling the truth his intention was to cheat and betray you given thr chance. It was only due to circumstances (going by his version of events) that he didn't pull. What's to say this is the first or last time?

JohnLuther · 20/12/2015 17:23

Again, it is not discriminating against anyone if a CEO takes staff members to a strip club, it is entirely up to them if they go or not. I wouldn't call a night on the piss in pubs and clubs a work outing either.

blueribbons · 20/12/2015 17:24

I don't think you should put it behind you either - not only does he have a lot of work to do to regain your trust, he needs to examine why he's behaving this way in the first place. You've always trusted him and never believed he was a wandering type, and I wouldn't be accepting the 'no idea why I did it' line. He just doesn't want to admit to you what you already know, that he did it so he could act like a single man, and you both need to understand why he would want to do that so you can move past it and hopefully trust him again. I also think Bobblehat's view is nonsense - you've done nothing wrong, and removing his ring on a night out is a big deal, as it signifies a breakdown in loyalty and is a betrayal in itself.

arsenaltilidie · 20/12/2015 17:27

The simple answer is he removed his ring because he was going on the pull but was too drunk/stupid to remember to put it back on.

You can continue to turn a blind eye and say he has some 'making up to do' but i can guarantee it was not the first time either.

MMA, strip clubs, gets involved in fights. He sounds like a thug.

GarlicCake · 20/12/2015 17:27

Oh, One, I am SO GLAD you finally got the more likely version - and, importantly, some remorse.

I totally sympathise with your feeling it has changed your relationship. It has done - you've learned your DH has at least a bot of a side to him that you didn't know about. You've really got your head screwed on, and I expect you'll deal with this as you need it to be dealt with.

Standing metaphorically by your side

GarlicCake · 20/12/2015 17:27

bit of a side

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