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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

works do last night, no wedding ring on Dh this morning

577 replies

Onedayinthesun · 18/12/2015 15:06

We have been together 18 years, 2 Dc and an adult Sc.

No trust issues ever, have never even questioned his faithfulness, I have not once been concerned about anything that would point to cheating at no point in our marriage.

He went out last night to his works Christmas party, I heard him come home at 5am. He slept in the sofa in the kitchen last night at 7.30am I told him to go to bed, he was still drunk - no wedding ring on his finger. I found it in his inside pocket of his suit.

Devastated.

There is no point even asking him why - there is only one reason a man would do this.

I couldn't confront anything this morning I needed to get my kids to school and go to work. I'm numb thinking about what he has done last night, Christmas is ruined.

I have to face him tonight and don't want the kids to find out, he doesn't know I have his ring, I can't talk to anyone in rl

OP posts:
Ista · 19/12/2015 23:07

Im sorry OP but the fact that he is not wanting to talk to you and reassure you is a big red flag. I think he has done something in this case. If he hadn't done anything and didn't feel guilty then he would be falling over himself to make sure the woman he loves isn't going through what you are now going through.

Even though you have never doubted him before, how has your marriage been in the last year?

Devastatedcoconut605 · 19/12/2015 23:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Borninthe60s · 19/12/2015 23:22

Oh dear. This isn't turning out well. There's only one reason he removed his ring and that was to appear available. (Wearing it doesn't stop,you shagging about tho). He's lied. The last thing you'd do if you were alone is break up a fight, take your ring off and get up and chase them! What an insult to your intelligence. I'd have more respect if he told the truth.

Forgive and forget or retreat and run X

Ista · 19/12/2015 23:26

Does this club have a hotel on site or nearby?

Devastatedcoconut605 · 19/12/2015 23:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

icandothis64 · 19/12/2015 23:39

I am sorry to say I have years of experience being married to a man whose default position is to lie until I can prove the truth. And the key attribute as Itsa says is to get angry when challenged as opposed to being mortified at the upset you are experiencing. The next stage is to then go on the attack and suggest it's you that's losing your mind and paranoid.

I do have one other thought and not a good one. Again in my experience, when bad behaviour is discovered, rarely is there culprit so unlucky as to get caught the very first time. Just saying. I know not doesn't help.

That said. As I said earlier in the thread. Only you can decide what to do about it and don't rush in to anything you may regret. This is a massive shock. Give yourself time to process it and grieve a little for what you had. It will never be the same again but that format mean it can't be god again. Just different.

DiscoDiva70 · 19/12/2015 23:45

Op, you're in a difficult situation because his refusal to discuss what really happened is leaving you in limbo.
If I were you I'd think the worst, that he's been unfaithful, and start making decisions for myself and my dcs.

I would ask him to leave the house over Christmas if he's not going to talk with you, and if he refuses to i would take my dcs and go and stay with someone if possible myself to think things through.

SirRaymondClench · 19/12/2015 23:49

I'm so sorry things are going this way Op. I really hoped there might be some innocent explanation (although goodness knows what!) I agree with pp who said it's rarely the first time that people get caught. Has he been out on these big nights out a lot?

SmallLegsOrSmallEggs · 20/12/2015 01:10

I chevked with my MMA dp and he says if you are intending to hit someone, rings off.

Are you absolutely sure he wore them in training?

because in an actual competition fight they must be removed. Apart from the danger to your hand if the ring gets crushed, and to your opponent getting hit with it, there is a serious risk of it getting caught in something and ripping parts of your finger off.

I'd be really surprised if he never took it off for martial arts.

PegsPigs · 20/12/2015 01:49

I hope you get some better answers this weekend OP so you can have Christmas with less uncertainty hanging over you Flowers

CakeMountain · 20/12/2015 01:55

Oh, OP. Flowers I hope you sort out what is going on.

BathtimeFunkster · 20/12/2015 01:56

Sorry he's being such an arse. :(

rainbowstardrops · 20/12/2015 03:49

Your DH is being/has been a prize arse - whether he wanted to appear single while he was out, or whether he was brawling in the street.
To not even have the decency to give you a proper heartfelt explanation or apology for upsetting you about taking his ring off, speaks volumes to me.
He's feeling guilty as sin and trying to avoid you. Good luck op Flowers

RomiiRoo · 20/12/2015 05:50

I am really sorry you are in this position, OP.
If he took his ring off before giving chase to someone who had punched him, and he is a trained fighter, what was he planning to do? Commit assault himself? Hand the guy into the police? He's not the police - is he not going to be on sticky ground himself if he chases someone down and gets further involved (unless the person who assaulted him holds their hands up and goes, really sorry mate, no hard feelings right, I will come down the station with you). At 45, surely he is a bit old for drunken brawling, not that I think it is appropriate at any age.

Even if that is the reason he took his ring off, then it is still questionable behaviour.

Hopefully once the hangover has worn off, you will be able to have a reasonable conversation.

Pantone363 · 20/12/2015 06:14

My ex husband 'lost' his ring on a night out, also whilst trying to break up a fight Hmm. Same story here, he was a gym fanatic and never took it off to work out.

I finally caught him a year later due to an errant text message. Turned out he was a serial cheater throughout the marriage. I'm not saying this to hurt you, but I also never suspected he would do something like that and thought he was my best friend.

Do you have online itemised phone bills? If so log on and see what calls/texts were made from his phone last night (he may have deleted any calls from his phone log)

Ex would hide numbers under male names. A good way to check that is to go on what's app, if he has it, and click on each contact. Most people have a profile pic and easy to see if he is hiding a woman under a male name. Even if he only let someone last night most people take a number out of politeness, even on a one night stand.

Also check online banking. Transactions for cash withdrawal in a 'wrong' location, hotel room, takeaways etc, it all paints a picture of movements.

BrokenBananaTantrum · 20/12/2015 06:45

OP what matters now is that your gut is telling you that something is wrong. Listen to your instincts.

My DH has never worn a wedding ring in he 15 years that we have been married. I have never worried about him cheating. This is a big deal for you as you know that its not right.

Joysmum · 20/12/2015 07:57

He's banking on the fact that intent without proof won't be enough to make you want to split as you'll keep doubting yourself.

Rockingaround · 20/12/2015 09:11

Hi OP, I can imagine how you feel, it's just devastating, my heart goes out to you. As he's being so defensive and moody when you challenge him about the ring, it puts you up against a rock. I think I would just tell him that you don't believe him and you need some space, say that you feel your acting at being festive and it's driving you crazy; that after Christmas Day I'd be going to my mums for a few nights. I'm not sure how old your DC's are... So I'd maybe be inclined to ask him to go to his mums for a few nights, no other reason than you need some space, you can explain that this has really knocked you and you feel really shaken by what you think he's done and his response to your asking him, you can't help your imagination running away as he's done nothing to reassure you or alleviate your worries. I couldn't carry on with the pretense and his moodiness. This might make him realise how you're feeling. I know it's Christmas and that makes all of this so much for intense and more difficult. I'm sorry OP that it's such a sad and frustrating time xxx

Original poster
Onedayinthesun · 20/12/2015 09:21

Thanks for the support everyone it has helped me a lot. The Dc are 14 and 10.

We have some time alone today as the kids are at their hobbies. He needs to understand the impact this is having on me. The timing is just awful but this has left such a sting and I'm overwhelmed with sadness. I don't want this week to be consumed with conversations like first thing this morning he said "what time is it?" Me "Ermmm time you told the truth" :(

OP posts:
Rockingaround · 20/12/2015 09:32

Ok darling, try and stay focussed on that night. I sometimes think we can all drag all sorts of other stuff into arguments which will make it easier for him to shrug off or 'gaslight'. : you don't believe him, you're thrown as to why he's behaved really defensively and you're devastated. Id let him try and fix this, it's his responses that have made all of this worse. Good luck OP try and stay strong but remain true to how you're feeling, if you need to cry and shout at him that's ok, you've got a lot of tension and angst built up by now. Whatever happens you will be okay, you're strong. Star xx

OnceAMeerNotAlwaysAMeer · 20/12/2015 09:41

Has he asked where the ring is? have you given it back to him?

TempusEedjit · 20/12/2015 09:41

Has he shown any concern yet that this ring is "missing"? I think that's what would flag up the main doubts to me - that he was allegedly bothered enough to remove his ring but not in the least bit bothered about losing it.

CreepingDogFart · 20/12/2015 09:44

Don't be fobbed off OP. One of you will give in first. Battle of wills! Don't let him wear you down, even with silence. You want answers so don't let him get away with not supplying them.

"She'll get fed up soon"
"She'll forget about it"
"Christmas will distract her"

NO.

Stimpack · 20/12/2015 09:51

You need to stop being a drama queen and ask him outright if he cheated.

Saying stuff like "Ermmm time you told the truth" after he asked what time it is strikes me as a bit drama llama.

rainbowstardrops · 20/12/2015 09:59

The trouble is, your DH has made this so much worse by his actions - or lack of - since he came home.
If he has a clear conscience then I think his attitude would be far, far different. I really worry why he's being so blasé bearing in mind he's usually lovely. He sounds as guilty as Sad

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