Partner assaulted me again

[waitingtogohome]

NC for this for obvious reasons.

My partner assaulted me a few days ago. Not for the first time, but hopefully for the last. I'm pregnant and the trigger for the assault was me wanting time to think/talk about (possibly, ending) our relationship whereas he wanted me to just forget about everything (his moods, the physical violence, the verbal abuse). I don't think he knew explicitly that I was thinking about ending the relationship but he knew that I didn't just want to 'sort it out'. We'd had a hideous few days of him getting offended/pissed off at everything I'd done. I spoke to him in a snappy manner/went to lay down after putting my daughter to sleep as was bloody knackered thus 'abandoning him'/suggested I might see the midwife alone for any personal questions (e.g the domestic violence one!) at my booking-in appt 'leaving him out of everything'/spoke curtly. At the time, I thought he was right and modified my behaviour to appease him but it all seems so ridiculous now that I'm out of the situation.

He's like Jekyll and Hyde and my pregnancy as brought it all home to me whereas before I compartmentalised it and didn't think about it when it wasn't happening. I can't live like this forever. This is the first time he's physically assaulted me since October, partially because he hasn't really been drinking since we found out I was pregnant, unless I pissed him off and then he drinks. Which is what happened the other night. He was being vile, really vile and then started drinking and got worse. After about 4hrs of verbal abuse I finally snapped and said something back. I called him a psychopath and apparently this meant he had justification to kick me, push me around and drag me off the sofa by my feet. I was terrified at this point. My daughter woke up and he still carried on being vile, though not physical and saying it was me scaring her. No fuckface, you assaulted her mother. That's all down to you.

I reported it to the police the next day whilst he was out. They were good, came straight away to take a statement and advised me to leave my house and stay somewhere safe until he was arrested. I have a 3 year old so they told me to collect her early from preschool and go straightaway, which I did.

However, two days later, I've heard nothing from the police. I've called them as instructed and there's no updates. The police officer apparently left a voicemail on my phone but I don't have any missed calls or voicemails. My partner is still in my house as he posted a picture of the tv on Twitter last night. He's been messaging and calling me. He doesn't know I've been to the police as far as I'm aware, although a neighbour could've mentioned to him that the police were there two days ago.

I don't know what to do next. I can't stay here indefinitely. Me and my daughter are sharing a single bed whilst here and I have work to do at home. I don't want to call the police again as they're obviously busy and I'm not in immediate danger as he switched back to being nice (via text) yesterday. I'm considering leaving my daughter here and going home to convince him to leave. It's not his house so maybe I could call the police if he refused to leave. Seeing as he's wanted for the assault anyway. I don't know. The police officers said that the community safety team would be in touch but no one has.

Sorry for the essay. I have isolated myself during this relationship and don't have too many people left to talk to.

I haven't heard anything from the police but I also haven't done anything about it either

Escalate this. Go into the station and demand to speak with the Sergeant/chief - whoever is higher up the chain. i've had to do this in a similar sort of situation. You are at serious risk of physical harm, vulnerable, pregnant AND have a young child to look after.

No - your ex does NOT decide when he leaves YOUR house. You tell the Seargeant/chief constable that he is refusing to leave the house and demand that they remove him - and arrest him for assault.

Sadly, attitudes like this from the police is the reason why so many women end up battered and killed. The only way to get them to take it seriously is to kick up a stink.

Is this really how it is in 2015 nearly 16? It takes a lot to shock me but this has. I would call MW and ask for her help/ ensure HV is involved also on Monday. Do you have any forceful friends who would support you/ take you to the police station? Hell I'll come and do it if you're local to me.

Just found this op. I've been where you are ( albeit not pregnant ) and I can assure you you need protection now. I wasn't seriously assaulted ( I mean SERIOUSLY ) until he realised I wasn't coming back. He has nothing to lose at this point and the control is gone and panic and rage is all he has. I didn't believe everyone when I got this info. I still get headaches and my knee still cracks and swells when I walk as a result. Contact Womens Aid they act on your behalf and are amazing. Keep all the messages and keep calling the police. I'm so worried for you. I'm not being dramatic when I say I believe you to be in imminent danger. I wish I'd listened. I think my ex would have killed me had someone not intervened and police been called. They cab be useless I know. When ex was arrested they let him call me to let me know he was in custody don't let them ignore how you feel.

Do not post your current location op just in case. Pm any of us if we are in an area close and can help. I'm in Glasgow. Can everyone who can help today post their location so the op can Pm if she's close?

I'm in Warwickshire and drive so if you're anywhere near the Midlands I can help with anything at all, even if it's just offering an ear.x

(I know kisses are frowned upon, but you need some kindness).

Anyone else? OP my DP can accompany you for protection if you're near us later. He's a mixed martial artist and really doesn't like men who hit women.

God yes, DH is the calmest, kindest sort of man imaginable, but would have no problem escorting a dick like this from your home.

OP we've been pm'ing but am in London and will happily come and support you.

I'm in the North East and willing to help OP even if it's just to be your advocate. It's hard to stand up for yourself when you're so ground down and I'd be happy to be your voice at the police station and anywhere else xx

Thank you ladies. I wish I'd known about mumsnet back then it would have been so different.

Thank you so much everyone for your offers of help. I've realised that right now I definitely don't want to face him so I'm not going to go home until he's gone. I haven't tried the police again today yet so I'm going to give that a go. I emailed the officer who was dealing with it a couple of months ago for advice. He was in the community safety unit/dealt with domestic violence. Different borough so I don't know if he can help but he did say to contact him in the future if I needed assistance and I definitely need that right now.

I'm going to see what happens today and if needs be, get on to my MP and midwife on Monday morning so thank you to everyone who suggested that.

Thanks again everyone. In real life, I keep getting asked insensitive questions about the baby and contact etc. I'm only 9 weeks so I'm not going to stress myself out thinking about stuff I can't control which is not going to happen until next summer right now when I've got other stuff to deal with right now. So thank you for your support. It is so helpful.

Just seen this.
So sorry for what you are going through. :(

I would urge you to report his suicide threats to the police. Use 999. That is one thing I regret not doing with ex.
They should either take him away for observation or record as part of the abuse.
Keep pestering the local police station and ask to speak to the person in charge. This is not on.
I'd get a cab if necessary and get them on the case.

Also, if you haven't, get to a doctor or A&E to make sure the baby is ok from the assault and explain what happened.

Btw, I wouldn't be surprised if your 3 year old has been indoctrinated by your ex to hate the police. Same as with phone activity. But I'd expect she needs a lot of reassurance and attention with what has happened recently.

Then check ncdv. They might help with emergency orders.
Finally, check solicitors and get one as of next week. Choose one that works with domestic abuse.

I'm West Midlands (not too far from Birmingham) if that's any good to you OP, my DH also very happy to provide muscle if necessary. I did rough out emails for your MP and midwife so just PM me if you want them sending across, one less hurdle for you to tackle if all you have to do is edit and add any personal details. Hope you're doing ok today, take care of yourself

Another warwickshire. Glad you have a plan OP, the police have been appalling you and your dc deserve much better

Just to let you all know I got through to someone on the phone. She was a bit unsure why he hadn't been arrested since his whereabouts was known. Usually they would have made arrest inquiries at the addresses supplied first ie my address, then if he wasn't there, his details would have been circulated. However, his details were circulated first befure they went to the address.

I have a different number to call now (where people answer and everything!) so I'll call back later to see if there's an update.

I'm definitely outstaying my welcome here now so the quicker we get home the better. My daughter is talking a lot about how much he shouts but I don't know how much of that is from her and how much is stuff she's overhearing from me. I feel like the worst mother in the world right now. Both of my children's fathers are useless, albeit in different ways. I don't know what is wrong with me that I pik these useless pricks. No point going down that particular rabbit hole right now, need to stay strong but I'll need to look into counselling at some point to deal with this I imagine. I'm believing the rhetoric he's been telling me - that I'm a bad mother etc etc which made me seethe, seeing as the worst decision I've made as a mother was getting into a relationship with him. He doesn't deserve to get into my head.

Fern25 - thank you for that. I'll PM you today.

Get a good counsellor, when the time is right and you've sorted out the immediate situation, who will help you to understand where your radar is going wrong to end up with shits like this. My guess is that your self esteem isn't high enough to realise that you deserve better. But you absolutely do. I'm so glad the ball is rolling. Get out, get safe, get help.

Forgive me if this has been mentioned but you need to call the National Centre for Domestic Violence now. Tel. 0800 970 2070

They can organise you a free emergency injunction. The report to the police will help.

So glad you finally managed to speak to someone! Fingers crossed things will start to move got you now and there'll be no need for emails, they were just to get some help to put a rocket under the police so sounds like they may well be unnecessary now. I think you're right to avoid any rabbit holes you don't need to explore right now, the best thing you can do for yourself and DD atm is sort the immediate problems. It's one step at a time and you're doing the right thing focussing on your safety and living arrangements, don't beat yourself up about the rest til you have the head space to deal with them. Will be thinking about you and hoping the police start pulling out the stops for you now

^^move for you now, bloody autocorrect

You are a great mother: you are taking steps to keep your DCs safe.

I'm getting bloody annoyed with this now. We haven't been home since Wednesday afternoon.

Thank you Twinklestein for the link. I've been trying to work out if I can apply for an Occupation Order to get him out of my house. I think I might be able to so that could be a possible course of action, if he's not arrested today.

As it's not his house you don't need an occupation order you just need the police to get him out as he has no right to be there.

But you absolutely must have a non-molestation order. He will not be able to come with x m of you, and breaching it is an arrestable offence. If he tries to harass you or visit the property which he likely will, you call the police and they will come straight away.

The sooner you contact the NCDV the better, because to get an emergency injunction it needs to be within 10 days (I think) of violence or threat of violence. It would worth checking the time frame as I can't remember exactly off the top of my head.

You really must get on to the NCDV or good local specialist solicitors (as Women's Aid for recommendations) first thing tomorrow about getting a non-molestation injunction against him. I suspect you'd be able to get an occupation order as well, but the solicitors can advise you on that.

Just to let you all know that I'm back at home. Several neighbours had called me and said that the police had been round several times, which I wasn't aware of. They had been told to call 999 if they saw him.

I then spoke to the community safety unit who said that the best thing to do would be to call round there, wait outside and call 999 myself.

I didn't want to do that but in the end I became so fucking angry that he was still controlling me -he was refusing to leave because he wanted to talk to me, despite me saying repeatedly that I did not want to talk to him. Complete disregard for my wishes, he wanted to speak to me and I had no say in the matter. So in the end I got so angry I came up here, not sure what I was going to do. Once I got here, I realised there was no way that I was going in on my own. Waiting round outside reminded me of a bad night a few months ago she he was waiting for me in the shed. So I ended up going up the road and calling 999 myself. When the police got here, I asked them to ask him for the key ton the back door, which he'd taken the night he assaulted me. They found two copies of the key so he'd obviously got a key cut so he could get back in. I was worried about that and was planning to get the locks changed but the police said he hasn't got any other keys on him.

Thank you for your support. Mumsnet has been amazing. My plan tomorrow is to contact the NCDV. The police said they would contact me before they bail him but last time, he was back here before that happened. I made a point of telling the police that so hopefully they'll call me first.

Great news OP will you be able to get that window made secure? Hope the police hang onto him for a bit and give you time to get everything sorted, bet it's a relief to back in your own home