Partner assaulted me again

[waitingtogohome]

NC for this for obvious reasons.

My partner assaulted me a few days ago. Not for the first time, but hopefully for the last. I'm pregnant and the trigger for the assault was me wanting time to think/talk about (possibly, ending) our relationship whereas he wanted me to just forget about everything (his moods, the physical violence, the verbal abuse). I don't think he knew explicitly that I was thinking about ending the relationship but he knew that I didn't just want to 'sort it out'. We'd had a hideous few days of him getting offended/pissed off at everything I'd done. I spoke to him in a snappy manner/went to lay down after putting my daughter to sleep as was bloody knackered thus 'abandoning him'/suggested I might see the midwife alone for any personal questions (e.g the domestic violence one!) at my booking-in appt 'leaving him out of everything'/spoke curtly. At the time, I thought he was right and modified my behaviour to appease him but it all seems so ridiculous now that I'm out of the situation.

He's like Jekyll and Hyde and my pregnancy as brought it all home to me whereas before I compartmentalised it and didn't think about it when it wasn't happening. I can't live like this forever. This is the first time he's physically assaulted me since October, partially because he hasn't really been drinking since we found out I was pregnant, unless I pissed him off and then he drinks. Which is what happened the other night. He was being vile, really vile and then started drinking and got worse. After about 4hrs of verbal abuse I finally snapped and said something back. I called him a psychopath and apparently this meant he had justification to kick me, push me around and drag me off the sofa by my feet. I was terrified at this point. My daughter woke up and he still carried on being vile, though not physical and saying it was me scaring her. No fuckface, you assaulted her mother. That's all down to you.

I reported it to the police the next day whilst he was out. They were good, came straight away to take a statement and advised me to leave my house and stay somewhere safe until he was arrested. I have a 3 year old so they told me to collect her early from preschool and go straightaway, which I did.

However, two days later, I've heard nothing from the police. I've called them as instructed and there's no updates. The police officer apparently left a voicemail on my phone but I don't have any missed calls or voicemails. My partner is still in my house as he posted a picture of the tv on Twitter last night. He's been messaging and calling me. He doesn't know I've been to the police as far as I'm aware, although a neighbour could've mentioned to him that the police were there two days ago.

I don't know what to do next. I can't stay here indefinitely. Me and my daughter are sharing a single bed whilst here and I have work to do at home. I don't want to call the police again as they're obviously busy and I'm not in immediate danger as he switched back to being nice (via text) yesterday. I'm considering leaving my daughter here and going home to convince him to leave. It's not his house so maybe I could call the police if he refused to leave. Seeing as he's wanted for the assault anyway. I don't know. The police officers said that the community safety team would be in touch but no one has.

Sorry for the essay. I have isolated myself during this relationship and don't have too many people left to talk to.

[ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight]

He's not a wounded puppy he's a very dangerous man

[tipsytrifle]

It's a relief to know you have regained some sense of your own home being yours again. Sadly both you and dd perceive him as a wounded puppy. This is "the conditioning" that minimises danger. Up-thread you said protecting dd was your motivation. If you could over-ride the conditioning towards gentle, quiet compliance and deal with him more as a rabid dog, you'd be on a more definite path towards doing this. Currently everything rests on hoping for the best and the false belief that he is worthy of your pity.

Seeking an Order would be a firm stand that will help you if visitation becomes an issue. It would also reinforce to dd that his actions are intolerably wrong and illegal.

He is not a wounded puppy. He's an abusive man who will try to get in your home and hurt you. He's dangerous.

[waitingtogohome]

I've just started the process for a non-molestation order. I have to represent myself but that should be ok. I have to run out the door (and travel into central London!) to sort out some paperwork for work but it was reading everyone'a responses to what I posted last night that tipped the balance. I knew I was being ridiculous but needed to hear it from someone else iyswim.

[Lweji]

Good to know.
Stay safe. :)

[tribpot]

Good, I'm really glad you are taking all appropriate measures to keep your family safe, waitingtogohome. All this 'woe is me' bullshit is designed to keep you feeling like the bad guy - despite the fact that he assaulted you and not just at any time but when you were pregnant. Two videos you might find inspiring - Leslie Morgan Steiner's TED talk - this woman explodes the myth that victims of domestic violence are weak or just unable to look after themselves as she completely kicks arse, yet was subject to a horrific terror campaign by her husband. talking about the domestic violence he witnessed as a child. His father actually was a 'wounded puppy' in a sense, he had PTSD after serving in WW2. But he makes absolutely no allowances for that in terms of what he did to Stewart's mother.

[LikeADivil]

Be aware that Christmas is a time for excessive amounts of alcohol to be consumed. Be super vigilant over the holidays.

Wishing you a happy, safe and peaceful Christmas.

[Friendlystories]

My heart sank when I saw your post from last night OP, so glad to see today's update and that you've gathered strength once more to protect yourself and DC. I know the pattern he is following from the awful experience of a good friend and you are doing exactly the right thing in not allowing yourself to become complacent and vulnerable because he has gone quiet for the moment. Get that order, be as sure as you can be that you've done all you can to protect yourself, you won't regret doing it and the consequences if you don't could be catastrophic. Stay safe, stay strong and I hope you and DD have a peaceful, happy Christmas

[tipsytrifle]

Well done, waiting! You found your warrior self - yay!

[Lizawithaz]

Very best of luck OP.

[pocketsaviour]

Good update OP, well done. Wishing you a lovely safe Xmas with DD

[waitingtogohome]

Merry Christmas everyone. I'm trying to tear myself away from Gogglebox and get to bed. Got a mince pie and a carrot to eat first though .

[UninventiveUsername]

Yay op and Merry Christmas.

I know you mentioned counselling for yourself, well a while back after reading about it on here I completed the Freedom Programme online. In my case it was because of an abusive dad rather than an abusive partner, but it was made for women who are victims of domestic abuse. It is fantastic, it really helped clarify things in my head. I could not recommend it more. I never expected it to be as good as it was and it really made me see things I hadn't realised before.

They say it is best to attend the course in person but as I said, I did it online so that is an option if you can't or don't want to go to the face to face sessions. Honestly, I really think it is worth a look.

Here's a link.

[MiscellaneousAssortment]

Happy Christmas OP, I hope you and your dd are having a nice relaxed time

[waitingtogohome]

Christmas has been hard. A lot of my extended family aren't aware that my relationship with my ex is over and so, naturally asked where he was yesterday. My awkward mumbling probably said it all really. I felt so ashamed sitting there, alone and pregnant.

My brother, who does know that we aren't together and why, made a couple of drunk, stupid, nasty comments about me being pregnant which upset me when I got back home last night.

It's all sent me into a bit of a shame spiral, which I was keeping at bay but was probably going to rear its head sooner or later anyway.

I feel so ashamed of myself and my faulty decision making processes. I brought a violent man into my daughter's home. I got pregnant by that man. Part of me wants to reconcile with him. I won't. I'm devastated that the future I tricked mysef into believing was real, is gone. I have contacted him though, in some misguided attempt to make him see what he's done and apologise sincerely, I think. I'm seeking comfort from the man that abused me, essentially.

DD is out this afternoon and so I've had the chance to have a bit of a cry and have a word with myself. No more contact. He is sorry for the consequences of his actions and he definitely feels sorry for himself. But I don't think he can feel truly sorry for what he's done because he can't really face up to what he's done. I don't know why I'm looking for validation that what happened to me was assault from the man that assaulted me.

God, what a mess. I guess this is all a process and I will come out the other side, eventually.

[Mabelface]

You will come out the other side, and stronger for it. The shame is not yours, but lies with the man who assaults the person who he is supposed to love and cherish. Your brother was an arse and I hope he gets pulled up on what he said. You still have a future, it's just a different one, and it will be one without fear in your home. Just to repeat, the shame is not yours.

[ZorbaTheHoarder]

Dear Waiting,
You don't know me and l don't know you, but l would like to tell you how impressed l am at how well you have dealt with this really difficult situation.

You have taken definitive action to keep a violent and abusive man out of your life and your daughter's!

However sad and difficult you might find things for a while, please be assured that you have done the right thing for you and your daughter.

You are seeing that your ex will never accept responsibility for his actions, which means he will always be a risk.
I am sure the new year will be a hell of a lot better for you without him.
All the best to you and your daughter.

[tipsytrifle]

You know, as a New Year gift I'd like to offer you the freedom from guilt over faulty decision making. Because sshhhhh ... we all do that. You are awesome and you're going to get this sorted! Happy NEW Year!

[Baconyum]

God yes! The mistakes I've made! Nobody's perfect plus the abusers are also get good at being charming and manipulative! Give yourself a break.

[needygonzales]

waiting, your post struck such a cord with me. I can relate so much to you seeking comfort from the man who hurt you and I just wanted to tell you that is ok. It's so ok to feel that way and I don't want you to give yourself a hard time.

You have done an amazing thing by leaving and this will be the hardest time. The way is forward. I left my partner in June and I still find myself wishing I could just have a cuddle even after all he did. It's crazy and I know it wouldn't be the right thing.

You cry all you need to, keep writing. I kept a diary and told myself what he'd done to me so I could remind myself every time I began to wonder "was it really that bad?" It did help.

Sending lots of love x

[ohtheholidays]

Waiting I've read all the way through your thread.

Please believe me when I say you are not to blame he is.You didn't choose for any of this to happen but now that it has happened you are doing all you can to keep your DD,your unborn child and yourself safe.You are doing the right thing and deep down you know that you are.

You are not alone believe me,I've been in two abusive relationships,the first one I was married to him and with him from the age of 16-25 and we had 2 sons.The second one I was engaged to him and I was with him for a few years,I split up with him and found out I was pregnant with my 4th DC,we'd had 2 children together.

He was still being abusive whilst I was pregnant with my 4th DC and by some miracle I found the strength to cut of all contact with him and his family and I've never seen any of them since and that was 13 years ago.

My only mistake and my biggest was not learning to love and care about myself before I got into either relationship,I presumed the way I was treated both times was what I deserved,I was so wrong.

After the last abusive relationship I made a conscious decision to be on my own with my 4DC and I decided to work on my low expectations of what I deserved and needed in love and in life in general.

I was on my own for 4 years and it was one of the best decisions I have ever made in the whole of my life.I re connected with my family and friends,I went to college,I started working with children again,I made new friends and most importantly I started to mend what had been broken in me by things that had happened to me as a small child.

My life has done a complete u turn for the better,I went onto meet a good man and were married now and have been together for nearly 10 years and we've gone onto have our 5th DC DD.My husband is Dad to all of our children as far as were all concerned.

You can do this and if you want it enough for yourself and your children you will do it.

If you need any help with the Police side of things please feel free to ask on here or PM me,my DH is a Police Officer.

Best of luck Waiting to you and your LO's

[ptumbi]

OP - feel 'shame' for bringing an abusive man into your home, and having a child with him, if you like. BUT it is not your fault he tricked you into thinking he was a decent man, is it? Why is it your fault he was abusive? That is your abused psyche telling you so - that it is all your fault. Because it couldn't possibly be his, could it?

There is NO shame in you kicking him out. He is abusive and vile to you, and a bad influence on your small children. You can ignore your brother; your decisions are nothing to do with him. What you have done is a huge favour to yourself and your child.

And I can guarantee that no one of any consequence (ie, anyone who loves you) will feel that you have done the wrong thing.