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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Partner assaulted me again

146 replies

waitingtogohome · 18/12/2015 09:37

NC for this for obvious reasons.

My partner assaulted me a few days ago. Not for the first time, but hopefully for the last. I'm pregnant and the trigger for the assault was me wanting time to think/talk about (possibly, ending) our relationship whereas he wanted me to just forget about everything (his moods, the physical violence, the verbal abuse). I don't think he knew explicitly that I was thinking about ending the relationship but he knew that I didn't just want to 'sort it out'. We'd had a hideous few days of him getting offended/pissed off at everything I'd done. I spoke to him in a snappy manner/went to lay down after putting my daughter to sleep as was bloody knackered thus 'abandoning him'/suggested I might see the midwife alone for any personal questions (e.g the domestic violence one!) at my booking-in appt 'leaving him out of everything'/spoke curtly. At the time, I thought he was right and modified my behaviour to appease him but it all seems so ridiculous now that I'm out of the situation.

He's like Jekyll and Hyde and my pregnancy as brought it all home to me whereas before I compartmentalised it and didn't think about it when it wasn't happening. I can't live like this forever. This is the first time he's physically assaulted me since October, partially because he hasn't really been drinking since we found out I was pregnant, unless I pissed him off and then he drinks. Which is what happened the other night. He was being vile, really vile and then started drinking and got worse. After about 4hrs of verbal abuse I finally snapped and said something back. I called him a psychopath and apparently this meant he had justification to kick me, push me around and drag me off the sofa by my feet. I was terrified at this point. My daughter woke up and he still carried on being vile, though not physical and saying it was me scaring her. No fuckface, you assaulted her mother. That's all down to you.

I reported it to the police the next day whilst he was out. They were good, came straight away to take a statement and advised me to leave my house and stay somewhere safe until he was arrested. I have a 3 year old so they told me to collect her early from preschool and go straightaway, which I did.

However, two days later, I've heard nothing from the police. I've called them as instructed and there's no updates. The police officer apparently left a voicemail on my phone but I don't have any missed calls or voicemails. My partner is still in my house as he posted a picture of the tv on Twitter last night. He's been messaging and calling me. He doesn't know I've been to the police as far as I'm aware, although a neighbour could've mentioned to him that the police were there two days ago.

I don't know what to do next. I can't stay here indefinitely. Me and my daughter are sharing a single bed whilst here and I have work to do at home. I don't want to call the police again as they're obviously busy and I'm not in immediate danger as he switched back to being nice (via text) yesterday. I'm considering leaving my daughter here and going home to convince him to leave. It's not his house so maybe I could call the police if he refused to leave. Seeing as he's wanted for the assault anyway. I don't know. The police officers said that the community safety team would be in touch but no one has.

Sorry for the essay. I have isolated myself during this relationship and don't have too many people left to talk to.

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EvaBING · 20/12/2015 17:45

Delighted to hear this. Keep your phone with you at all times. Sleep with it, go to bathroom with it. Never leave it off your person.

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Lweji · 20/12/2015 17:45

Well done, you. :)

I'd be changing the locks now. Or at least make sure he can't go in.
You can contact the NCDV at any time. It's for emergencies.

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rumbleinthrjungle · 20/12/2015 17:51

That's good to hear! Thanks

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waitingtogohome · 20/12/2015 18:06

I called the NCDV and they're going to call back tomorrow morning.

I'm supposed to be taking DD out tomorrow to do Christmassy stuff with friends and their children. I'm hesitant to go out all day in case I come back home to find he's hiding in the shed or something. But realistically, we can't stay in forever. So should I go or not? I don't know.

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Twinklestein · 20/12/2015 18:12

Have the police risk-assessed you? Are you on their DV list?

Have you changed the locks yet?

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Doublebubblebubble · 20/12/2015 18:17

Well done op. I've just read the whole thread and I just wanted to offer a hand to hold. I was brought up in a dv environment. My mum had had enough after 15 years. We (myself and brother) heard, saw, and eventually felt everything that she did. It did scar us. You are absolutely not a bad mum. At all. Men like this know how to manipulate. Please go round to your neighbours and ask them to keep an eye out for him. Flowers xx

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waitingtogohome · 20/12/2015 18:29

I'm not sure if I've been risk assessed. They asked some questions on Wednesday. I've just googled and it looks like it was the DASH checklist. I'm not sure what the outcome was. He has threatened suicide and is in a right state about the end of the relationship and the baby so I feel there is a significant risk. I didn't before, but I do now.

He was searched and didn't have any other keys on him. The only thing I'm worried about is some of the windows don't lock and can be opened from outside and are big enough to climb through. I haven't called a locksmith yet as I think the out of hours charge would run to more than there is on my bank account. Im going to call the mgmt company tomorrow and ask them to send out the person they use. I'll pay but it should be more reasonable. For tonight, I'm going to stay here on my own. I'd feel better if my daughter was elsewhere. I'm worried about tomorrow so think I'll give going out too far a miss. I'll have the NCDV thing to sort out and I'll only be stressing about coming home anyway.

Lot to think about. I've barely thought about the pregnancy. So much other stuff to sort out before I feel ready to focus on baby.

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Lweji · 20/12/2015 18:36

He will know about the windows, so, if you can, get something to secure them. It depends on how they can be opened, though.

I would get on with normal daily life, just being more careful than usual.

I have been there and letting them keep us in fear is to let them win.

Do be alert, though. And keep your phone with you at all times.

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VoldysGoneMouldy · 20/12/2015 18:49

Ask them to put a marker on your phone and the house, so if you dial 999 you get emergency response.

Can someone stay with you until the locks are changed?

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Twinklestein · 20/12/2015 18:54

If you have Amazon prime order some window locks to arrive ASAP.

Some are not hard to to fit.

If not could a friend get some for you?

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Lweji · 20/12/2015 19:01

What type of windows are they?

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Friendlystories · 20/12/2015 19:22

Were any of the pp's who posted their whereabouts anywhere near you OP? Just wondering if anyone in your area has a DP/friend/relative with good enough DIY skills to make you secure til you can get something sorted properly. If you feel comfortable to PM me where you are I can see if I know anyone local to you, got friends all over the country and don't like the idea of you not being secure in your property.

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BuffaloCustardbath · 20/12/2015 19:56

Stay safe OP, I hope you've managed to make the Windows more secure so you can get some rest tonight? Have you heard from him anymore?

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ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 20/12/2015 20:27

Is there a marker on your home address and phone number?

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waitingtogohome · 20/12/2015 21:52

I'm not staying at home tonight, not until the windows are secure. Before I left the house this evening, when I was checking everything was closed, I noticed that the bedroom window had been left pulled to but not closed, with the blind drawn over it so I didn't notice until I checked. What with that and the key he'd cut, he had obviously made sure he had a way to get in at a later date. I find it chilling that he obviously knew I didn't want him to get in and would try to prevent it and so went out of his way to make sure he could. The level of calculation and control is horrifying. And the complete disregard for my wishes. If I've learnt anything from this, it's to run a mile the second a man ignores my wishes. It started off all fairly benign, if overwhelming and a bit red flaggy but it quickly turned to this. No more.

Thank you all for your offers of help. I'm going to ask the letting agent tomorrow and see what they say. The window is a must though.

The police just called whilst I was writing this. They've put something so all 999 calls at my address are treated as urgent and they've made a referral for a non-molestation order. I think he's getting out tonight so glad I'm not at home.

Going to bed soon. Thanks again everyone.

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magoria · 20/12/2015 21:58

When you are back home.

If the windows are not fixed put something that will make an almighty noise if someone comes through them in front of them.

And at various walk ways etc.

And sleep with your mobile.

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Lweji · 20/12/2015 22:02

Glad to know you'll be safe.

It is likely that he may get in, though.

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waitingtogohome · 20/12/2015 22:22

I just got a call saying that he's been given a caution. So I assume he's admitted what happened? At least I won't have to go to court or anything. I really hope he stays away now.

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Lweji · 20/12/2015 22:26

Fingers crossed. But stay safe.

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EvaBING · 20/12/2015 23:17

The bastard will have been advised to accept a caution rather than court and a conviction. A wee slap on the wrist. Fucking prick.

Was just reading an article today about how Christmas is a massive risk factor for domestic violence.

I can't believe (well I can!) that the police are allowed to just be so fucking stupid and negligent! You're pregnant, trying to leave him, it's Christmas and you have just made a statement against him. Be very very very very wary OP.

Until you have Fort Knox in terms of security and have a non-molestation order in place, if you can at all (I realise the practicalities), try to stay where he won't be able to find you.

YOU ARE NOT SAFE WHILE HE KNOWS WHERE YOU ARE.

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NanaNina · 20/12/2015 23:40

Do take care waiting - the thing is the police will almost certainly bail him and they might make bail conditions preventing him from returning to your home, but not necessarily. I don't want to be alarmist but the most dangerous time for women suffering DV is when they decide to leave (or in your case getting him to leave) Is there a mortgage in your name only or are you renting in your name.

Hope you get through the NCDV or try Women's Aid.. They are always busy so you have to keep trying. Please don't take him back - it won't stop and threatening suicide is a ploy SO many violent men use.

I also think you should call your midwife - they will be able to intervene with the police and will have policies in place to deal with pregnant women who are suffering DV.

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NanaNina · 20/12/2015 23:45

Oh god I've just seen he's been given a caution so he is in the clear and will no doubt be trying to get back into your house. I honestly don't know how you are going to keep yourself safe as he knows where you are. Do you have any friends/relations you can stay with until you can get the locks changed. The thing is you don't know how many keys he's had cut and if he can't get in he could be banging on the doors and windows and scare your LO.

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LeaLeander · 20/12/2015 23:47

Are you going to proceed with this pregnancy? Why would you saddle a child with a "father" like that?? Is he the father of your existing child?

Stay safe.

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waitingtogohome · 21/12/2015 00:12

I don't know if tonight is the time to be making a decision like that LeaLeander. I'm well aware of how difficult things would be for everyone involved once the baby's here but I'm trying to remain focussed on the positives tonight an think about everything else in a few days time, when I'm feeling a bit more together.

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UninventiveUsername · 21/12/2015 00:57

Hi op I've just read through your thread. I'm so glad you have ended your relationship and spoken to the police and that you're going to let the midwives know what is going on. That can't have been easy for you to do so well done for doing it. I feel genuinely scared for you. He is a dangerous man. Please, no matter how pathetic he makes himself sound, do not stop thinking of him as a threat to you and to your daughter.

If you have not done so I think you should inform your daughter's preschool and any other childcare that you have for her, that he is not authorised to collect her under any circumstances. Also, if you are in work it would be wise to let your workplace know what is going on. When my mum left my dad one of the things he did was try to get to her at work. Luckily the security at her office were brilliant and stopped him from reaching her.

Please stay safe. I know things must seem overwhelming at the moment but it will get better. You are doing the best thing for your daughter by getting her out of this situation now. xxx

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