Partner assaulted me again

[waitingtogohome]

NC for this for obvious reasons.

My partner assaulted me a few days ago. Not for the first time, but hopefully for the last. I'm pregnant and the trigger for the assault was me wanting time to think/talk about (possibly, ending) our relationship whereas he wanted me to just forget about everything (his moods, the physical violence, the verbal abuse). I don't think he knew explicitly that I was thinking about ending the relationship but he knew that I didn't just want to 'sort it out'. We'd had a hideous few days of him getting offended/pissed off at everything I'd done. I spoke to him in a snappy manner/went to lay down after putting my daughter to sleep as was bloody knackered thus 'abandoning him'/suggested I might see the midwife alone for any personal questions (e.g the domestic violence one!) at my booking-in appt 'leaving him out of everything'/spoke curtly. At the time, I thought he was right and modified my behaviour to appease him but it all seems so ridiculous now that I'm out of the situation.

He's like Jekyll and Hyde and my pregnancy as brought it all home to me whereas before I compartmentalised it and didn't think about it when it wasn't happening. I can't live like this forever. This is the first time he's physically assaulted me since October, partially because he hasn't really been drinking since we found out I was pregnant, unless I pissed him off and then he drinks. Which is what happened the other night. He was being vile, really vile and then started drinking and got worse. After about 4hrs of verbal abuse I finally snapped and said something back. I called him a psychopath and apparently this meant he had justification to kick me, push me around and drag me off the sofa by my feet. I was terrified at this point. My daughter woke up and he still carried on being vile, though not physical and saying it was me scaring her. No fuckface, you assaulted her mother. That's all down to you.

I reported it to the police the next day whilst he was out. They were good, came straight away to take a statement and advised me to leave my house and stay somewhere safe until he was arrested. I have a 3 year old so they told me to collect her early from preschool and go straightaway, which I did.

However, two days later, I've heard nothing from the police. I've called them as instructed and there's no updates. The police officer apparently left a voicemail on my phone but I don't have any missed calls or voicemails. My partner is still in my house as he posted a picture of the tv on Twitter last night. He's been messaging and calling me. He doesn't know I've been to the police as far as I'm aware, although a neighbour could've mentioned to him that the police were there two days ago.

I don't know what to do next. I can't stay here indefinitely. Me and my daughter are sharing a single bed whilst here and I have work to do at home. I don't want to call the police again as they're obviously busy and I'm not in immediate danger as he switched back to being nice (via text) yesterday. I'm considering leaving my daughter here and going home to convince him to leave. It's not his house so maybe I could call the police if he refused to leave. Seeing as he's wanted for the assault anyway. I don't know. The police officers said that the community safety team would be in touch but no one has.

Sorry for the essay. I have isolated myself during this relationship and don't have too many people left to talk to.

I suppose your only option is to go to the police station then! I see you mention a Community Safety Unit - are they police? Are they based in the police station?

Oh, and your belief that you're not in immediate danger because he's switched back to being nice (as abusers always do when it suits them)? Bollocks. You are in constant danger. Tell your midwife immediately.

Yes the royal college of midwives has policies on it. They consider it very important and a duty for midwives to actually ask and investigate for DV.

I agree that you can't say for sure that he definitely wouldn't hurt you. Unfortunately this is the case with many men until they do something and then everyone says 'oh I didn't think he'd go that far'.

I'm not saying he would do something horrendous, but you don't know that, so keep yourself and your daughter safe

Actually - I'm wondering whether a midwife might be able to get the ball rolling with the police quicker than you yourself?

If I called the midwifery team, what could they do?

Your midwife will take the information very seriously. I can not tell you exactly what she could do but, you need as many people on your side as possible, including professionals.

Try contacting one of your local councillors about the police issue, and see if that gets things moving. They often have strong links with local pcsos, and it might only be a question of a simple phone call for them.

Can I please add something. Stop thinking that other people are in greater need than you. It is a horrible thing for me to post but, statistically, you are very high risk of serious physical harm or worse.

We all know that they key danger points for a woman in an abusive relationship are when she is pregnant and at the point that she is trying to leave. You are both.

Please speak to your midwife.

I'm afraid I don't know exactly what specific action the midwife would take, not being one myself, but I do know that looking out for domestic violence is a part of her job, and she will have procedures in place. Police, unfortunately, might not take you seriously on your own but if a medical professional intervenes I'd say you have a greater chance. Your midwife will also know of other organisations and professionals who can help you.

You must tell her. Her job is to look after you and your unborn baby in pregnancy and that very much includes keeping you safe from a violent partner.

I got through to the police station an hour or so ago. The officer who answered said he couldn't help directly as he was only a desk sergeant from another borough and there was no one else there atm. But later on if I need to go home, I can call 101 and an officer can accompany me to make sure there is no breach of the peace. Since then, my ex has made a suicide threat and has become quite angry sounding. He still believes he was in some way justified in what he did and he seems angry that I'm doing this, although, of course, ultimately, he has done this and he has left me with no option but to end the relationship.

Sorry I haven't had time to reply to people. My three year-old is against mumsnet and all other phone related activity!

In terms of the midwife, I haven't called yet as my immediate plan is to get home somehow and I don't think they would be able to help with that today. I will speak to them next week though to let them know what's going on. I think it's down to my ex to decide he wants to leave, unless the police decide to arrest him.

Thanks everyone for your kindness.

I know the police are busy this time if year but I would have hoped they would have been able to help you more than this. Please get onto 101 and make sure they go round with you and kick him out. Stay safe OP you are being very brave, hope you get home soon.

Ring your midwife, tell her exactly what's happened and see if she has a point of contact with police for DV cases, also email your MP re the lack of response from the police, you need someone official to apply a bit of pressure on your behalf. It's disgusting that the police are not acting swiftly and communicating their progress with you, explain to both m/w and MP exactly what you need re the house, lock change, window replacement etc in order to make you safe and get them to help you liaise with police so you can get it all sorted while he's under lock and key. Time to stop being British and kick up a fuss, know it goes against the grain (it would for me too) but your safety and your daughter and baby's safety is at stake here and you can't afford to let people fob you off. Google will tell you who your MP is if you don't know, email them straight away and make it clear you need help and the police are failing in their duty of care to you, they should put a rocket under them as should your midwife. for you, you're being really strong and cool headed but it really is time to kick up a stink and get the police moving now.

Ignore the suicide threat. It's a classic abuse and control strategy to try to make you feel guilty and responsible. You are neither. The chances are extremely low that he will kill himself but even if he does, better he kills himself than you (violence escalates). Whatever he does, you're not responsible for his actions, so don't let the turd claim that you are.

I'm disgusted but not wholly surprised that the police aren't taking it very seriously, but that's all the more reason not to delay telling the midwife.

Midwives I know often know a good contact at police on dv. So calling her sooner rather than later would be really useful. Ditto councillor/mp. I also have several friends that are police and I am really disgusted you've ha such poor response from them.

Agree stop being 'British' and call them as often as needed until you get the help you need. Well done for leaving too!

Anyone else thinking why the fuck has this bastard not been arrested?! Doesn't get much worse than assaulting a pregnant woman surely?!

Do police know you're pregnant?

do not go back to the house whatever you do even if he appears nice. I know someone who was murdered not very long ago it was on the national news. He made out he was visiting his children but it was out of hours, but she trusted him let him in, he started arguing with kids upstairs bashed her around, strangled her. The kids came down found her, he told them to go back upm and he didn't call the police straight away. If he had she may have been alive. She hung on for a few days but eventually died, due to oxygen restriction to her brain. She was unrecognisable the damage he had done to her face

Yes I'm being graphic for a reason, do not go back and do not let him anywhere near you or your child. talk to the school what if he tries to pick your child up from there, then you will be forced to meet him? Get a court injunction.

also grew up with it, and they don't change, well in old age some do, my dad did. But all the bad memories cant be erased the damage is done.

And OP, just a friendly reminder that abusers pretty much always blame the victims and refuse to take responsibility for their own actions. In their own heads, they sincerely believe they are the good guys and it's not their fault that you goaded them into assaulting you. Their narrative is fucked up and you must not validate it.

Hi Waitingtogohome.
Have you had any progress on the police front?

Just to be aware though OP - when they arrest him - he will not be put straight in jail - he will be let out within hours (basically, they can just detain him until they interview him). This is why you need the intervention of the courts - so that the police can automatically arrest him just for arriving at your front door. He won't need to have done anything - just be within 50 yards of you.

I haven't heard anything from the police but I also haven't done anything about it either. I'm feeling quite defeated about it all tbh. I've been in contact with my ex via text and he's not going anywhere.

This pregnancy has been completely different from my first so far. I feel sick and tired a lot of the time and so, lack of sleep is not what I need right now. On the plus side, the horrible anxiety I had before this has now gone. I was worried that I was going to end up on medication for anxiety/depression during this pregnancy but the fact it's gone shows me that it's not the pregnancy that was causing it but the situation I was in.

When he was arrested before, part of his bail conditions where that he didn't contact me or come to the area where I live. I didn't find out about this until after he'd turned up at my house and talked me around so not very effective due to my naivete but I won't make the same mistake again. Would I still need to go to the courts do you think or will bail conditions be enough? I don't know enough about this to be able to make an informed decision on what to do.

He's trotting out the same script this time that he's used successfully in the past. Although it's distressing to hear, now that I've told people, there's no going back. I feel rubbish about it all but there's no going back.

I haven't heard anything from the police but I also haven't done anything about it either.

Time to get angry, OP. Sadly people won't help you if you don't push.

Bail conditions won't last long. You need non molestation order and you need to apply for it ex parte while he's on bail so he cannot contact you or come near you at all.

I'm sorry the police are being shit but sadly they often are. You need to be pushy and keep chasing it up.

My mum has been through all this recently so if you want to talk about the practicality/legal side of it PM me, happy to help

Sorry to hear the Police are not being any help OP, please keep harassing and don't give up, you are doing absolutely the right thing.

OP would it help if I put together an email for you to send to your MP (have done this recently for another MNer) so you don't have to worry about how to word it? Just let me know if it would help, can do the same for your midwife if she's contactable by email and it's difficult for you to talk about it on the phone. I know what it's like to feel defeated by a situation and how that can make it impossible to ask for the help you know you need, there's a helping hand here if you need it

The only thing to do with suicide threat is call police and have them go check on him. Do not respond yourself.

Stay away and keep safe until police can assist you to get back home and change locks. It isn't worth the risk to do it any other way.