Partner assaulted me again

[waitingtogohome]

NC for this for obvious reasons.

My partner assaulted me a few days ago. Not for the first time, but hopefully for the last. I'm pregnant and the trigger for the assault was me wanting time to think/talk about (possibly, ending) our relationship whereas he wanted me to just forget about everything (his moods, the physical violence, the verbal abuse). I don't think he knew explicitly that I was thinking about ending the relationship but he knew that I didn't just want to 'sort it out'. We'd had a hideous few days of him getting offended/pissed off at everything I'd done. I spoke to him in a snappy manner/went to lay down after putting my daughter to sleep as was bloody knackered thus 'abandoning him'/suggested I might see the midwife alone for any personal questions (e.g the domestic violence one!) at my booking-in appt 'leaving him out of everything'/spoke curtly. At the time, I thought he was right and modified my behaviour to appease him but it all seems so ridiculous now that I'm out of the situation.

He's like Jekyll and Hyde and my pregnancy as brought it all home to me whereas before I compartmentalised it and didn't think about it when it wasn't happening. I can't live like this forever. This is the first time he's physically assaulted me since October, partially because he hasn't really been drinking since we found out I was pregnant, unless I pissed him off and then he drinks. Which is what happened the other night. He was being vile, really vile and then started drinking and got worse. After about 4hrs of verbal abuse I finally snapped and said something back. I called him a psychopath and apparently this meant he had justification to kick me, push me around and drag me off the sofa by my feet. I was terrified at this point. My daughter woke up and he still carried on being vile, though not physical and saying it was me scaring her. No fuckface, you assaulted her mother. That's all down to you.

I reported it to the police the next day whilst he was out. They were good, came straight away to take a statement and advised me to leave my house and stay somewhere safe until he was arrested. I have a 3 year old so they told me to collect her early from preschool and go straightaway, which I did.

However, two days later, I've heard nothing from the police. I've called them as instructed and there's no updates. The police officer apparently left a voicemail on my phone but I don't have any missed calls or voicemails. My partner is still in my house as he posted a picture of the tv on Twitter last night. He's been messaging and calling me. He doesn't know I've been to the police as far as I'm aware, although a neighbour could've mentioned to him that the police were there two days ago.

I don't know what to do next. I can't stay here indefinitely. Me and my daughter are sharing a single bed whilst here and I have work to do at home. I don't want to call the police again as they're obviously busy and I'm not in immediate danger as he switched back to being nice (via text) yesterday. I'm considering leaving my daughter here and going home to convince him to leave. It's not his house so maybe I could call the police if he refused to leave. Seeing as he's wanted for the assault anyway. I don't know. The police officers said that the community safety team would be in touch but no one has.

Sorry for the essay. I have isolated myself during this relationship and don't have too many people left to talk to.

[didofido]

Really Lealeander! Suggesting the OP might have an abortion because the baby's father is horrible! As if she hasn't enough to deal with.

And she wouldn't be 'saddling' the baby with him - he should hopefully be history by the time of the birth; and not on the birth certificate.

Remember, s/he is the OP's child too.

[Dipankrispaneven]

I hope you're going to carry on with NCDV? Unfortunately you can't rely on him paying any attention to the caution.

[maybebabybee]

I just got a call saying that he's been given a caution. So I assume he's admitted what happened? At least I won't have to go to court or anything. I really hope he stays away now.

Yes it does mean he admitted it but that means sod all - you still need to get the non-molestation order I'm afraid so carry on with the NCDV. My mum's partner got a caution and it did diddly-squat to stop him.

I am so sick of the police giving out cautions for DV offences, it's well known they're not an appropriate way of dealing with them!!

Lealander - seriously? How kind and supportive.

[spudlike1]

You've come this far ..don't go back .keep imagining how good life will.be without him . One step at a time in the right direction .
Seek out all the support from all the people and organisations you can. Lots of poster giving good advice

[LaurieFairyCake]

Try hard to get your property secure and get the non-mol order.

If you can't I would switch my daughters bed into your room and tie the bedroom door shut at night - with your phone to call 999.

good luck

[Friendlystories]

That's shit they've only cautioned him OP, sounds like you're doing all the right things to stay safe though, hope the letting agents recognise the importance of making your property secure, to be fair that should be a top priority even without your current situation in this day and age. I think you're absolutely right that decisions about your pregnancy can absolutely wait, you have enough in your plate at the moment and I'm sorry you've had such an unhelpful comment on here. We'll be here if you need support when the time comes to figure out what happens next, in the meantime keep up the pressure on the letting agent and make sure you access any and all help available to keep yourself safe and build your strength to keep him away from you. for you OP, this must be a really tough time for you but you will come out the other side happier and better off without him.

[Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost]

I'm sorry,Waiting but it won't be the last time. I can assure you. If he has no qualms assaulting a pregnant women and especially the pregnant women who is carrying his future child. It doesn't bare thinking about what he'd do if you weren't pregnant.

[wotoodoo]

Please be aware that having a child with this man means a lifetime of contact with this man. My friend was badly beaten up (dv over 5 year marriage) but that does not stop her ex having contact with their son.

He was prevented from seeing his son for a period of time in the past but now the government are actively encouraging dads to see and engage with their dc despite dv records.

It is a tragic and awful nightmare for her and their ds as their ds is now 10 and does not want to visit or stay with his abusive father but the courts, police and social workers are not powerful enough to prevent it. The father employs an expensive team of lawyers and my friend has no money left fighting him. It has ruined her life.

I would not wish this scenario on you op.

[Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost]

. OMG. Is there no lengths this twatting cunting government will not go to. They're fucking ridiculously rentless. Entourage the relationship between a violent man/women and a child. Serious safe guarding issue there. Does this government despise lone parents that much that they want their children to put at risk. Its time the discrimination against lone parents ended now. Its gone on long efuckingnough.!!!!!. If I became pregnant and my dp laid a hand on me. There's no way in hell. He would have access to my child, over my dead body. !!!!. Sorry for the rant. I feel better for it though. Now breathe I live.

[tobysmum77]

Is there a way round it by not naming him on the birth certificate and saying the baby isn't his? The example above they were married which I don't think is the case here. I definitely think you need proper legal advice op on the back of an invented one night stand. Would he have the right to actually prove it by forcing you to dna test baby? I doubt it but I'm not an expert in this area.

[waitingtogohome]

It'a quite a strange situation in that I've been told very explicitly that if I allow or don't prevent contact, that will reflect very poorly on my ability to keep my daughter safe e.g. He's only allowed to come round to collect his things if police are here, if he turns up unannounced, I'm to call 999. If I don't, for example call 999 and my daughter is scared then that will refjext poorly on me. I'm fully cooperative of this and I agree with what they saying. I'm taking any support they are offerring and following all their advice. If he turned up unannounced, then I would he certainly calling 999 anyway.

However, come next summer, the baby will be here and all this will go out the window as I will be expected to facilitate contact, to whatever extent the court impose.

Anecdotally, I've heard of far more serious cases of domestic violence than what I've experienced end up in shared care of the children and overnights for the abusive partner. I understand that children have a right to see both of their parents, but when one parent has nearly killed the other (a case I heard of), then surely that should make a difference? Is this not implicitly saying that domestic abuse is ok? It's ok that Dad nearly helped Mum.

My situation is not as serious as that and I don't necessarily, at this point, think that my ex shouldn't have contact. He's a flawed individual who needs a lot of help to learn to manage his emotions and controlling behaviour. But I'm not sure if that necessarily means he shouldn't have contact with his child at all. I'd prefer all contact to be supervised but that's up to the courts and certainly, in the early days when I'm establishing breastfeeding, that won't be easy to manage.

This is all a long way off but I certainly need to get some legal advice about all this. From what I understand, the local domestic violence charity only offer support if the case is deemed as high risk as per the DASH questions, which I don't think it will be, so I'm not sure sure happens then. The council have a DV worker I've been referred to, so hopefully they will be able to help/point me in the right direction of who to speak to.

I had a wretched night last night, worrying that we weren't safe in our own house. I'm furious with my ex for doing this to us. DD is three years old ffs and she misses him and wants to give him a kiss and a cuddle. And that can never happen. I feel so sad for her and guilty for bringing him into her life in the first place and letting him dominate me to the point where I allowed her to be exposed to this shit.

[waitingtogohome]

Not nearly helped Mum. Nearly killed Mum.

[Lweji]

At some point you may consider supervised contact. But you do need to stick to not allowing him in the house or letting him walk off unsupervised with the children. That would send the message that you were not really worried.
If he demands contact you could point him towards arranging contact at a contact centre.

Have you managed to secure the house?

[cestlavielife]

it is entirely possible that an abusive person will beat up/abuse the wife/mother of the child and not the child (or not when child is small)

abusers after all are often charming and nice to other people. they select their victim. he was presumably charming and nice to you op at one point otherwise you would have steered clear. he may also be able to pull off an act in supervised contact and even carry it on after....this may well be beneficial for dc tho can leave them confused...they cant understand why mum doesnt like dad.... just keep an ear out and provide a listening and open ear to your dc...

so it stands to reason that a court will see a nicely dressed well spoken man who"just wants to see his dc" and will see it a an issue between warring parents and agree to unsupervised contact. that does not mean however that you as the dc mother have to have direct contact with him, ever.

that is beside the point here - he has assaulted you and you are in danger - an assessment later has to be made regarding dd and future dc. leave that for later.,

stick to getting safe, getting him away and insisting on supervised contact only.

[Dipankrispaneven]

Have you actually been in touch with NCDV and started things off to get an injunction? So far as I can see, if you feel unsafe in your own house then your case fully meets the relevant criteria.

[Twinklestein]

You may qualify for legal aid if you have reports to the police. Your GP can also write in support of your application so it would be a good idea to contact them and tell them what's going on.

One thing I am certain is that you have no idea what he is capable of and neither does he.

Reeva Steenkamp didn't think her 'situation was serious' and she ended up dead. According to Australian stats 30% of women killed in Aus, by their partners/ex-partners, had experienced no previous physical violence from them.

It's impossible to predict which men will go apeshit and do something terrible.

You have to assume the worst and protect yourself from that.

Apart from NCDV have you contacted your local 'Domestic Violence One Stop Shop'? They have lawyers who can advise you on the legal aid question.

[UninventiveUsername]

I understand that children have a right to see both of their parents, but when one parent has nearly killed the other (a case I heard of), then surely that should make a difference? Is this not implicitly saying that domestic abuse is ok? It's ok that Dad nearly killed Mum.?

I think that you're right and that is the message the children will get. It makes me so angry. I think if a person has shown they can be violent to a family member than maybe we should err on the side of caution and assume they are a risk to children.

Sorry this is upsetting but my dad hit my mum although not very much afaik, he didn't hit me or my older brother but he did kick the shit out of my younger brother when my brother was very young (preschool age) and continued to have physical fights with him when my brother was older and able to fight back. For whatever reason he had it in for him and who knows why but what's to say the same couldn't be true of any man who hits his wife or ff, he might decide he doesn't like one of their children.

[UninventiveUsername]

Wife or gf, sorry not ff.

[Lweji]

Exactly. Particularly when the children aren't compliant.

Children are less likely to complain about physical abuse or emotional abuse unless it's quite serious.

[waitingtogohome]

Sorry I haven't been responding. I was worried my ex might find it.

It has been good to have some freedom to do what I want. I've spent the last few nights going to bed at the same time as DD which my ex hated and took as a personal insult. I've seen friends who I haven't seen in ages, partly because I've been busy but also because it wasn't worth the hassle of offending him by spending free time with other people.

DD misses him and keeps trying to negotiate with me about him coming back. Today she said that they would play together in one room whilst I done the washing in the kitchen and then he would go. I said that couldn't happen and talked some more about why but she's too young to understand that he can't just say sorry and come back.

I haven't pursued the emergency non molestation order. I have until tomorrow to decide but he's left us alone, bar phone contact which I have mostly ignored. He's very sad about how things have ended and honestly, I'd feel like I was kicking a wounded puppy if I got heavy handed and pursued the order now. I get a bit scared at night and check the doors and windows several times before going to bed but I think that's par for the course for leaving this sort of relationship and will take a bit of time to disappear.

I've thought a lot about pursuing some sort of counselling to help that along and also to work out how I can prevent this sort of thing happening to me again. I wasn't very good at asserting my wants and needs during this relationship and he perhaps unintentionally, took advantage of that. I wouldn't be in the position I'm in now if I had acted on the hundreds of red flags whacking me in the face earlier on. Right from the beginning, I knew something wasn't right and tried to end things or take a step back and each time the opposite happened and we became more involved.

I can't allow something like that to happen again but at the same time I don't want to spend the rest of my life being wary of people.

Thanks to everyone who has given me support and advice over the last week. I don't know what I would've done without you all.

[Lweji]

Good to know you are ok and doing well.

Maybe not as an emergency, but an order could be useful in future. Who knows what he will do next when he has had time to get the anger truly running or drunk a bit more.

IME, they tend to be calm for a while, as they expect us to get over it with time and then take them back. They will try the nice approach, or/and the poor me approach, and then get angry when it doesn't work.

I'd make sure you are protected both physically and legally.

[wotoodoo]

How worrying that your little dd who has been in this dv environment wants desperately to 'make happy families' even though your abusive ex has ruined or will ruin forever her idea of what is normal 'happy families'.

The toxicity of an an abusive partner in colouring and shaping what children see as normal predisposes those children to choosing abusive partners themselves. Did this happen to you op?

It will be difficult for you to break the cycle while your next child is always going to have such an abusive father in his life (and there is nothing you can do about that, even jailed abusive dads can do a so called dv or anger management course and the courts will give them access) and your dd sees him as the golden one and wants him back in her life despite what he has done.

It is just as much tragic as toxic to expose young dc to abusve men, especially as now you are feeling guilt at keeping him away from her and you!

The abusive dad I know has unsupervised overnight stays with his son now and regularly loses his temper, hits his son across the head and intimidates him, plenty of ss and police visits but it is not considered bad enough for the visits to stop. Meanwhile the son regresses every time he goes back to his mum's and the verbal abuse the father metes out continues when the son returns to his mother.

Now the son displays all the classic abusive behaviours the father has and has learnt to verbally and physically abuse the mother which is worsening the closer to puberty he gets. Every time the son goes to stay with his father, the father uses that time to poison the son against his mother in every way possible and there is nothing a court can do about that, she has tried!

[Atenco]

Assuming you are keeping the baby, don't put him the birth cert. He can of course go to court and get dna samples to be put on the birth cert, but that requires effort.

If he agrees to therapy or whatever, you may still allow him access to your child, but without his name on the birth cert you have much, much more control.

[Lweji]

wotoodoo

What you said is exactly why I went all guns on exh. Reported everything, pressed charges, and put a custody request.
It was important that he didn't have unsupervised contact until DS is older and has managed to establish his own boundaries.

[pocketsaviour]

OP. Please pursue the non mol. At the moment he is in the "I'm soooo sorrreeeeee" phase, but once he realises it isn't working, he will switch back to angry and violent. Please get the necessary measures in place to keep yourself and your daughter safe.

I think there is still a part of you which is minimising his violence and not seeing the very real danger. Please take care