Step inside it's the Dating Thread 93

[SweetPotato1]

Looks like this needed to be kicked off again..

The Rules

1. The first rule about the dating thread is you don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin
3. Do no invest emotionally too soon
4. It's all BS until it actually happens
5. Trust your gut instinct
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault
7. You are the prize - they should be trying to impress you
8. If it's not fun- stop
9. Loo update is mandatory

10. No dating the thread

314, I think your instincts are telling you to go for it with H, but you are letting your head put up barriers. Stop! Of course you are worthy of him!

I've just gone back on OK Cupid and the same faces are there as there were in June.
And received about 5 messages from people who I have very poor match percentages with. Mainly ones that look copied-and-pasted. Fun.

314 you are not "not worthy of" any of these people.

waving thanks for the heads up, it's a good warning to have. I haven't stressed remotely so far over Tree and Pilot I'll reply to in my own time. I also think I'm in a very odd place truth be told. Not looking for anything other than someone charming / funny etc to loosely see once in a while. I plan on being single and focussing on what my family and I want without bringing in an additional demand on my time.

nomore I'd never looked at it that way before but I totally get where you're coming from. My view is this, I'm not sleeping with anyone early on. I'll sleep with someone if I feel totally ready and comfortable. But I have zero expectation from them aside from simple manners and decency. That involves not lying and not disappearing into a black hole after the act. I think sleeping with someone does open up an additional layer of vulnerability, so I'll only do it when I am totally ready to deal with those emotions.

I'd like to think that no one deliberately lies or plays games to get people into bed (but truth is some people do). The only way to see through them is to not sleep with them early on and if you continue to see one another, see if their story continues to add up. If it doesn't you know they are telling porkie pies.

Here's the thing, I don't know how you have any serious conversation early on. If Mr Tree said to me, listen I like you and I want us to see where this goes and I want us to be exclusive, I'd refuse. Point blank refuse. I like him, I fancy him and truth is if I sleep with him I'm extremely unlikely to sleep with anyone else. But if he tried to pin me down all he'd see is dust. I'm not actively looking to sleep with lots of other people, I'm not saying he's not good enough. It's none of that. But what we have right now? It's just too early. My call is all you can ask someone to be is honest, upfront and treat you with respect, whatever that may look like. It may be, I need you to message me the day after because that makes me feel better. It may be that if they sleep with other people you ask them to tell you. By the time you decide to DTD with someone you have absolutely every right to set your boundaries and ask that they are respected. For me though if that boundary was exclusivity / fidelity it would be too much too soon.

Does that all make sense?

Sassy agree that whatsapp is stressful because of the "read" and "last online" thing. It really drove me mad with Popcorn still does.

Still not a word from him but I think It is slowly sinking in that I will not hear from him again. I think I am more angry at myself for jumping to the idea of a relationship after a month and 4 dates that I am at him. Except for the lying part: I may very well be a bit nuts but I am certain he said on first two dates he was looking for something serious.

And Waving, Popcorn and I did not have sex before well into date 4 (day #2 of Titanic date). He said that "him being here with me did not mean anything" and we had the entire conversation before sex happened.
So, having the conversation did not stop him from letting things fizzle out after sex. On the other hand when I decided to have sex with him I knew what he was after. But that was too late for me as I was already smitten
I guess I learnt that it is best not to assume anything after your date actually says he is into you. Which means that if you think you will assume a relationship is going on after you had sex, it is best to wait for the relationship to happen first.

Yes Waving Soho and Popcorn are definitely similar in that. Do you think that we scared them off because we looked too eager? Or isn't the better question: did they lie about wanting something serious in order to get laid? when all along they just wanted something casual and/or were not ready for "serious" because they were not that interested?

That is no mystery women are sensitive to that.. And ok they could have had cold feet if we were clingy, but somehow I do not believe that showing interest for someone is not very unpleasant for that someone.

waving you did rebound sex with someone you actually liked IMO. Was bound to mess with your head. re the decree absolute. It's a huge milestone. I deliberately didn't date over Crimbo, it was really hard spending the first Xmas not as a family and not with my kids. So I spent my time with friends/ family and gave myself the space to be sad if I am honest. And I was really sad sometimes, but that's ok. I'll be doing the same when the Nisi comes through in a few weeks. I simply can't make myself vulnerable to a new guy on top of all of that. Hence the loosely dating on my part.

jolly shame re popcorn. I don't know how you turn on bullshit detectors because the thing is plenty of guys are not like this.

to everyone else on the thread.

Well whaddyaknow..... Getting messages from two decent sounding blokes. One I want to call MrTree but Sassy has one of those (might need to check it's not the same one!!!) I know it's not the done thing here but massive

for Waving my decree Nisi will come soonish.

FWIW Naked Again confirms it makes no difference to the outcome with guys whether we sleep with them on date 1 or date 101. Although for our own heads it has implications, naturally. Useful to notice the implications but we should make sure we certainly don't beat ourselves up about it. Vulnerability is inevitable in our circs.

Oops! Another message. From a third guy! More anon......

Stbxh and I slept with each other on first meeting, and were together 11 years and are still good friends.

It is just different for me now as it is actual dating and.....the rules.

TS went quiet on me from yesterday afternoon, until I messaged him a while ago. Turns out he was worried I would think he was being overbearing, but I missed the chat. This time tomorrow.... I will not be just off a horse and covered in mud with ratty hair as I am right now!

Ive told bear that ive relegated him. I put it more diplomatically but he understood my meaning. He gets it. Told him he is not what im looking for. And he isnt.
we are on very relaxed terms of communication now... phew.
weight of my mind.

Ps congratulations on the decree nisi waving. I never said.
Handy hope yours follows soon.
ill raise a bottle of peroni in your honour when it comes!!
Ive been moderately 'soaked" in wine the last ten days waving!!

Waving how are you finding eHarmony? I joined a while ago but haven't paid yet so can't see pics or do emailing (only the guided communications). I'm wondering how many of the matches I get are current subscribers (it's impossible to tell), a lot are too far away so I just hide those. I have sent a load of communications in the last few days to try to find out how much activity there is. Previously I waited for men to approach me and got very little (I'm 46). I'm thinking of paying up this week, but the cost is high and I'm fairly broke.

I also put a profile on Doing Something which I have now taken down as I only got 1 profile view! Either that site is dead or I'm not right for it.

I also tried FreeDatingInLondon, but most of the men on there are a bit grim, but at least it is a straightforward site. I exchanged messages with one man who seemed nice but he has stopped messaging (it was his turn to message and I don't want to be "chasing" him).

I should probably try GSM, but I'm nervous because it is so public.

I haven't dated since the split from my long term partner 2 years ago, and said to myself that I would start this year, I'm already having second thoughts but that may just be cowardice!

I welcome tips from anyone. You are all very brave!

Eeeeeek! Matched on Bumble (yes - Bumble, THE den of eligible lovely chaps in my area!!) with someone gorgeous looking with a v v v interesting job. Thought 'no chance' - he also messaging!!!!!!

HandyWoman Result!

I hope you don't mind me joining in. I tried to get started on Bumble but couldn't get the app to work! Got stuck in a loop entering D.O.B. and gave up after trying again with fresh install and it still not working.

OMG OkCupid is literally blowing up today: 14 matches and 5 lovely messages and it is not even 4 pm.
Whoop whoop!

One is particularly nice, we do seem to have a lot in common. So much that he started with "there is so much I can relate to, I am almost bubbling with excitement (naff, I know, sorry)". Haha. For future reference this guy is going to be Mr Bubbly.
But then he is a bloody lawyer too. And we work in the exact same niche field. Where is my sexy drummer???

Waving Does Tinder enable matches to identify who you are on Facebook?

Pavonia Tinder uses Facebook to get your first name and your age and your photos - but you choose which photos it uses.

It never shows anyone your last name, or lets them click through to Facebook in any way.

They've chosen Facebook signup because it's
a - easy
b - means you will probably be a real person (people generally do have their real first name and real age on Facebook)

WavingMy eHarmony matches are aged 37 to 57, I am 46, I would say that the average age is older than me. Check your age setting, mine is set to 36 -56 as I was trying to be open minded.

I have my geographic settings as narrow as possible but that still means I get people that are too far way, I am in London so there should be enough potential matches in the Greater London area, I hide all the ones that are beyond that as I want a London based relationship and that won't change.

Thank Trills Does anyone know if the Google reverse image search picks up Facebook photos?

Check your Facebook settings - there's a box for whether serch engines outside of Facebook can find you.

I always set it so my main Facebook profile picture (the one that might be visible to friends of friends) is not in use on Tinder.