My mother. I don't know what to do.

[Quickhelp1]

We are v close, live near each other and she's a big part of our lives. She helps us with the children too and the other week I asked her if she would pick up my kids from school and wait with them till my husband got home, so for about 2.5 hrs. This was so I could visit my oldest friend who is unwell. That was fine, and my husband had taken the following day off so I could stay at friend's house and he'd do the school runs etc.
Whilst I was away one of the kids had a high temp and so DH kept him off school. My mum had said to him the night before that if he needed a hand with the school run if one was ill, to call her, so he did. (I wouldn't have rang her, first thing personally but he said she had offered, so he did and she came over and sat with the poorly one whilst he dropped the others.)

Anyway I came back and when I saw her, started to tell her about seeing my friend, and she tutted and rolled her eyes. So I asked why she did that and she EXPLODED. She laid into me about how my priorities are all wrong, I shouldn't be off trying to help other people when I had responsibilities at home, and what a terrible mother I am. My eldest has some additional needs including autism, and his diagnosis nearly killed me, but she said I should never have got him diagnosed, he would grow out of it, I've been looking for something to be wrong with him since he was born, and that because we paid for a private diagnosis then if you pay people enough they'll tell you what you want to hear. That I've "marked him for life" with this and I did it because I needed a "reaction." (Don't know what that even means.) I was horrified and told her that was an evil horrible thing to say.

I obviously argued back that what she was saying was nonsense and flies in the face of every specialist opinion we've had, and how would she feel if we left it and it turned out we were right, and she said "well I would be very sorry." I told her I would never forgive her for what she said, she ran across the room to hit me, but I shouted that she had better not, and she told me to get out.

I'm stunned. I don't know what to do. My dad came over yesterday and said "your mother is very upset" but that he didn't want to take sides, and I told him what she had said. He asked what my "plan" was and I said I didn't have one but if I did, it'd start with an apology from her. Then I went to the docs to get something for my shattered nerves.

What do I do????

You're better off not hearing from her if she's going to be like that, really.

OP you have my deepest sympathy. So many people misunderstand autistic diagnosis. You are the mother. You know something isn't quite right. Other people can dismiss it or minimise it. You are right not to. DS2 was diagnosed earlier this year and I felt so shocked and upset. But he's had loads more help at school. His flagging grades improved. Because people understand him better now and give him the help he needs. You have been brave to get help for him. She just doesn't get it. yes maybe you have been looking since childhood to find out what was different about him, because something was, you knew it, but it was unclear what. that doesn't mean you couldn't wait to get him 'marked for life.'

Let her cool down. Let yourself cool down. At some stage you will need to explain your reasoning very clearly to her so she never jumps to such stupid conclusions again. And she needs to know how very wrong it is for her, as a mother, to have such a distainful opinion of you and your maternal motives.

I'd be inclined to rely less on her if at all in the future. But I wouldn't go NC. That's a personal decision obviously. My DPs are pretty difficult people and we have been far happier since expecting nothing at all from them, and distancing ourselves hugely from them, but when we do see them we can, in small doses show love and affection to each other. If you think you can salvage something like that, it's probably worth it, at some stage. Make it entirely on your terms. It makes such a difference. You were disempowered by the help you relied on from her. Don't let that happen again.

Thankyou, DancingDuck. That makes a lot of sense.

It's now well over a month since it happened and besides the frosty two hour visit on Christmas Day there's been no contact at all, from her or my Dad.

I strongly suspect that she/they will have constructed some story which somehow justifies her behaviour. Hell will freeze before she acknowledges that she was wrong. And vicious and hurtful, deliberately,

I've taken time to reflect on things and although I'm sad I'm also a LOT less stressed without the constant implied criticism and having to defend every decision. I'm very disappointed that my dad has cut me off too. There can be no reason for that beyond her simply telling him to.

So there we are. I've nowhere to go with it as I feel like any step towards her will absolutely be taken as tacit acceptance of her disgusting behaviour.

Have you had a look at the Stately Homes thread in Relationships? There's a lot of stickies that might provide enlightenment and support, as well as plenty of experience and advice from others with 'difficult' parents.

I cut contact years ago under similar circunstances, these are for you

Oh for Pete's sake arrange to see your mum, just the two of you, and talk to her! Don't hold out for an apology just find out what's going on in her mind and life and go from there. She could actually have some mental health issues, depression or anxiety, or just be sad and angry about her life and need someone to talk to. Listen to her. And have your say.

This fell off my threads.

I'm sorry you feel so stuck, OP. But the fact you actually feel better from less contact with her speaks volumes.

It sounds a bit like you feel you need some kind of closure. I wonder if you can get that without actually doing anything in real life. So write her a letter that you don't send or something, something to finish this episode inside. Then you might feel clearer.

OP - have you arranged to see your mum?

I think this whole issue is about something else. Your DM is wrong re. your son however I wonder how much of an understanding she has? It also sounds as if you use your DM a lot for childcare, and on this occasion visiting a friend you were away overnight. It is of course your own business what you do but unfortunately when you have DM around they see far too much - by this I mean, there's a feeling they can comment and judge on your life The balance is wrong.

In your case it seems, your DC was taken ill in your absence and your DM was perhaps wound up because you were with a mate instead of at home, whilst she was sitting with your DCs due to your DH calling her. I know she offered to come round if needed but can't gauge from your post why she was needed in the 1st place, if DH was there? Unless it was in case one of the DCs woke up she would deal with it, as opposed to him getting out of bed. If im wrong sorry, but if that was the scenario then what would be the reason he couldn't get up and see to DCs himself?

If your DM is as bad as you say then NC does seem to be best option. But holding out for an apology is something different.... what is the point? Unless of course you want an apology so she can then continue to be an unpaid childminder, which is what comes across. If you want that then fine, but its best to just "own" it, weigh it up against what you wants and needs in terms of family arrangements. & if you do want her around less then you need to sort your childcare arrangements

But back to your DM her assertions about autism the way she flew off the handle - again if you don't feel you want her around then, simply don't. Thing should calm after a while and hopefully you can take it from there

We're moving this thread over to Relationships at the OP's request.

Quickhelp1,

People like your mother never apologise nor accept any responsibility for their actions. I see also without much surprise that her H has played the bystander role to perfection in all this by acting out of self preservation and want of a quiet life. He is also her hatchet man here and cannot be relied upon at all either; such weak men do need someone like your mother to also idolise.

They will not change nor will accept any boundaries you care to set them, they will ignore or ride roughshod over them. They were not actually good parents to you and will remain poor examples of grandparent figures to your children. I think she has intensely disliked your son's official autism dx because it takes attention away from her.

Was wondering why you are wary of the narcissism label btw. I would read and or consider posting on the "well we took you to stately homes" thread on these Relationships pages.

Well here we are, in March and nothing much has changed. She has seen my children under the supervision of my husband, twice since Christmas. I don't trust her to be able to handle the one with ASD without my husband being there so that's all the contact she's had. There have been no apologies or explanations from her to me.

I've started seeing a therapist about this and he pointed out the roles we seem to play in the family. I'm the fixer, and yet nothing I ever do is good enough. And one of my siblings literally can do no wrong. She went to stay with golden sibling, and he called me afterwards to discuss. He'd sent me a beautiful bouquet for Mothers Day and a card saying he thought in a great mum despite all the challenges, which I thought was lovely.

But, things with my mother are worse than I had ever imagined. My brother spoke at length to her about how she's treated me and I was hoping he would say that she had shot her mouth off but then couldn't take it back, or some excuse. But no. She absolutely maintains that there is nothing wrong with my child, he plays me up and pushes my buttons, he's fine for her, and that I've got him diagnosed so that I don't have to admit to myself what a crappy mother I am.

And that the reason she had "helped out" so much was because I apparently would not be able to cope if she didn't and that she will be proven right in a couple of years when my son grows out of this.

Needless to say, this has upset me and I'm furious. Golden brother pointed out to her that even if I was wrong, he doesn't have autism, he's still my child and my word is final. And that if when we were kids, she had suspected that something was wrong with one of us, she would have done everything to sort it, regardless of what anyone else thought. She agreed, and my brother seemed to think that was a step forward and a thawing and I need to move forward too. But, much as I love him, he hasn't been insulted to the very core, and can do no wrong. He's cross with me that I said I wanted an apology from her or I wasn't interested in any sort of a relationship and he just wants us to get on. I feel like screaming at the fucking injustice.

I've no plans to do anything other than get on with my life as best I can. And I'm horrified that my mother, whom I thought loved me, actually has such a low, low opinion of me and everything I hold dear.

Oh bless you. I have no advice other than to protect yourself and your family.

I don't think you've done anything wrong at all and you're not wrong to expect support.

I think though that you cannot expect it from your mother. You are right to get on with your life.

Quick I'm so sorry you're going through this. I don't have any practical advice I think seeing a therapist will be helping you so much. I just wanted to give you a virtual hug and say I hope things get easier but I do think you are doing all the right things

Thankyou both for your kind messages. I don't see a clear way forward at all.

It sounds as though you are very much still in the fog. From now things will start to become more clear, like a puzzle coming together. She doesn't sound like she is going to apologise and see how wrong she has behaved. From experience she will no doubt have another tantrum and then expect it to be forgiven and forgotten without am apology and never admitting any faults. Maybe she will see eventually but don't hold your breath xxx

Both sides of the family didn't believe my son had asd at first either. It was either "he will grow out of it" or "you need to parent him better" "how about a naighty step" and the old favourite..."if he was my son, id...." it took three years to get his nhs diagnosis and by that time they had kind of come round to the idea. But not until the piece of paper stating asd arrived! You cant parent an asd child like you would parent other children. Alot of times I felt like it was my fault and felt very guilty when my sons behaviour was bad/he was distressed. Asd diagnoses are not just handed out to anybody who wants one!! Its a bloody long process. Id send her a boat load of information on autism. Id include a note saying "once you are able to understand autism and how it affects my son, get in touch". Tbh you have enough to deal with without being judged too. Hope you are ok. I was thinking about private diagnosis too as it took ages! But what I read suggested an nhs diagnosis was needed for access to most services. Glad your son is recieving the support he needs.

Stay strong. None of this is of your doing xx

Your brother sounds lovely, unfortunately as he is the golden child he will never truly understand your position. Use him for support as and when you need but his understanding will always be limited. Do you have friends who you've told? Or belong to a support group for ASD parents? I imagine you won't be the only one who has had a reaction like this.
I think you are doing absolutely the right thing, not that it matters what I think, as you obviously think you're doing the right thing so stick with it.
I am at the very beginning of getting a diagnosis for my dd and I dread the reactions of people around me - particularly mum and stepdad. I am expecting something along the lines of what you got - about wanting a diagnosis to excuse shitty/lazy parenting. I'm so sad about this possibility that I'm considering just going very low contact rather than telling them anything during the process.
Best of luck xx