My mother. I don't know what to do.

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We are v close, live near each other and she's a big part of our lives. She helps us with the children too and the other week I asked her if she would pick up my kids from school and wait with them till my husband got home, so for about 2.5 hrs. This was so I could visit my oldest friend who is unwell. That was fine, and my husband had taken the following day off so I could stay at friend's house and he'd do the school runs etc.
Whilst I was away one of the kids had a high temp and so DH kept him off school. My mum had said to him the night before that if he needed a hand with the school run if one was ill, to call her, so he did. (I wouldn't have rang her, first thing personally but he said she had offered, so he did and she came over and sat with the poorly one whilst he dropped the others.)

Anyway I came back and when I saw her, started to tell her about seeing my friend, and she tutted and rolled her eyes. So I asked why she did that and she EXPLODED. She laid into me about how my priorities are all wrong, I shouldn't be off trying to help other people when I had responsibilities at home, and what a terrible mother I am. My eldest has some additional needs including autism, and his diagnosis nearly killed me, but she said I should never have got him diagnosed, he would grow out of it, I've been looking for something to be wrong with him since he was born, and that because we paid for a private diagnosis then if you pay people enough they'll tell you what you want to hear. That I've "marked him for life" with this and I did it because I needed a "reaction." (Don't know what that even means.) I was horrified and told her that was an evil horrible thing to say.

I obviously argued back that what she was saying was nonsense and flies in the face of every specialist opinion we've had, and how would she feel if we left it and it turned out we were right, and she said "well I would be very sorry." I told her I would never forgive her for what she said, she ran across the room to hit me, but I shouted that she had better not, and she told me to get out.

I'm stunned. I don't know what to do. My dad came over yesterday and said "your mother is very upset" but that he didn't want to take sides, and I told him what she had said. He asked what my "plan" was and I said I didn't have one but if I did, it'd start with an apology from her. Then I went to the docs to get something for my shattered nerves.

What do I do????

The bit that I can't get over us that she's saying I have deliberately had my child diagnosed with a life changing condition to get a "reaction." That's a terrible thing to say.

Yes it is.
Its unforgivable tbh.

Stillunexpected I think you're right. I should pull her up on boundaries every time she steps over but I'm exhausted and she's very dominant and it's easier to leave her to it. I need to be firmer.
She thinks I shouldn't go away ever. I've had 5 nights away in the last 12 months but that's not right, apparently.

Why on earth shouldn't you get a break and go away? Is her attitude related to her own experience of motherhood? Did she never get to go away?

On the basis that people criticise in others what they don't see in themselves, are there any other people with ASD type traits in your family? She may have developed strong views based on how they were accommodated in the past. There is something not quite right, but no doubt it will come clearer with time.

I agree, you 'plan' should include reassessing your boundaries. Maybe she just thought it right to help if she was in the house anyway. We tend to put up with things like this for a quiet life.

I think it's interesting that you start by saying how close you are and then describe such a sudden out-of-nowhere explosion, with both of you using very charged language and you saying you would never forgive her. And your own reaction involving needing medication for your 'shattered nerves' - your relatiionship sounds both intense and precarious, highly-strung.

She seems to have a flashpoint over you seeing friends - what were her years as a mother of dependent children like? Is there some envy there of your dh's involvedness and, paradoxically, perhaps of the support you have through her?

I am almost wondering, sort of along the same lines as Whatevva above, whether there is a kind of envy in her response to your ds' diagnostic process - in that you have sought and obtained help for him? Might she wish that help (for that or another issue) had been available to her or someone close to her? People sometimes tear to shreds what they themselves missed out on, iyswim.

She was in the wrong and owes you an apology. And I agree very much with Stillunexpected on boundaries. The suggestions above are really just ideas to help you think about what might have gone on - not to excuse her actions but to pinpoint what's behind this, or might be.

Wow. That was extreme. Does she have a history of losing her temper and coming out with this kind of thing? Unfortunately there are many people who 'don't believe' in autism but they're generally either arsey enough to announce it at the drop of a hat or have the social skills to keep there mouths shut about it. If this behaviour is very out of character it could be a sign that she's under heavy emotional stress or even an early warning sign of dementia.

I wouldn't contact her for the foreseeable future unless an apology was forthcoming.

Total speculation on my part, but is she projecting her own expectations and frustrations from her marriage onto you? Was it that she never got a night away and thinks you shouldn't either? That all clothes should be folded and yet you (quite within your rights) don't see it as a priority? That sort of thing. Not that it makes her behaviour acceptable.

And ditto Whatevva said about ASD.

Your mum has issues with boundaries - your father comes over to smooth things out - this is typical dysfunctional controlling behaviour - your mum is pandered to and your dad enables her.
Note: he puts all the responsibility on you "what is YOUR plan" etc - as if your feelings don't matter but hers do.

I'd be prepared to bet she is jealous of your son's diagnosis - my grand mother was like this - had to be the centre of attention, faked illness all the time, made scenes at weddings and christenings - so she would be the centre of attention. Your mum can't compete with a diagnosis like ASD can she?

I suspect this explosion was a test - you are clearly expected to crawl back and apologise to her. She may also want you to admit you got your child tested for ASD to usurp her power position (this is clearly silly but she is judging you by her own value system which is obviously warped).

She may also be jealous you have a DH who does child care OR she has rigid views on men and women and can't get past it - to the point of it driving her quite bonkers. She clearly cannot accept your family set up and wants you to be as she judges you SHOULD be, and, as is the way with selfish, rigid people she is attacking you for her own inadequacies.

You will need to completely re-evaluate your relationship with both your parents as a result of this, it won't be easy.

Sounds awful and completely unnecessary.

Give her time to cool off. I'm sure she will want to see the kids for
Christmas so may swallow her pride and apologise. Though if she's ever like my MIL she might not.

Agree what others said and don't allow her to help anymore. Maybe she's struggling with your child's diagnosis? Is it something she talks about a lot? Is she old enough to still be embarrassed by problems like in the 50's when Down's syndrome was seen as socially unacceptable? I'm not excusing the behaviour, just trying to understand why she doesn't like you seeking help.

Either way let her cool it off before trying to contact her again.

That's awful, OP. I'm so sorry. No useful advice from me because personally, I'd tell her what she said was unforgivable and not talk to her any more, but I acknowledge that I am a) a bit black and white about things and b) terrible at confrontation or discussing things.

from experience it sounds like your mum lost the plot because you did not do what she wanted you to do. It is typical controlly mum behaviour.

Daily it is constant overstepping of boundaries, just to remind you on a day by day basis that because you are her dd you have no personal space. That is why she put your husband's pants away. She knows it's wrong, but she wants you all to know she a. thinks she can do it and b. has the right to do what she wants in your house. You need to change the locks and not give her a key, unless you want her back in your house doing all sorts of nosing.

What happens when you confront her controlling attitude probably ranges from her getting in a huff/sulking/eye rolling to arguing with you to having some sort of physical outburst. The physical outburst happens when all the other stuff isn't working for her.

So when you went away against her wishes, she let you know she wasn't happy with the eye rolling and when you didn't accept that she when to defcom 1 and let rip so you wouldn't step out of line again. Telling you you had your ds diagnosed for your own benefit is cruel and designed to upset you, but also something perhaps she would consider herself doing...does she have form for lying about illness for attention/controlling others to do what she wants?

I would wait for her to contact you with an apology. It's sad this has happenedd so close to xmas but stick to your guns. Get the locks changed and draw the line in the sand. Also I would not rely on her to help with the kids as this is often where the controlling problems rear their head.

Is your mum a little bit autistic herself?
I'm asking as she seems to have a burden and have an issue with diagnosis.

Sorry if that offends anyone, but my mum is adamant about things like autism being all in the mind, and controllable, whereas in fact she has quite a lot of autistic characteristics herself, but seems blithely unaware about how not normal she is.

My mum also flies off the handle when challenged by anything. He response seems a lot like your mum's. It rang a few bells.

Sorry you are upset, and hope you find your equilibrium soon. Just concentrate on your immediate family and find solace in them for a while.

Wow, she sounds poisonous. I wouldn't do anything. Your mum needs to apologise.

Some things.

I'm 60. When I was a kid, children with autism were called vegetables and the standard procedure was to put them in residential homes, where many still are. Children with any disabilities were officially deemed ineducable. After things changed, SENs were still considered labels that would plague a person's life. Diagnoses, therefore, were something to be greatly feared. "They'll grow out of it" was the common comforting thought, clung to like a drowning woman's driftwood.

This has only changed very, very recently in the scope of my lifetime. Your mother is wrong, thank goodness - but she's got ten years on me, and most people don't keep up to speed on developments in this area. While she may 'know' her comments are offensive, she may be unable to override decades' worth of received facts regarding SENs.

Some mothers - actually, a lot of mothers - never manage to give up 'mothering'. I think it's understandable when women have basically had to adopt it as their sole purpose & meaning in life, which most women a little older than me did. To have a job was an insult to your husband; to have a career meant you were a refrigerator mother (ironically, causing autism in your children) so the only safe option was to take on the mothering role wholesale. Obviously, this eventually becomes interfering or controlling as your children build their own lives. Everyone should be flexible enough to develop other purposes, but not everyone is. It's quite a big ask to change the identity you've had throughout your adult life.

Do you know whether your mother's honestly happy in her marriage, deep down? When all you've ever been is wife and mother - and you're not too keen on the 'wife' part - it's going to be even harder to soft-pedal the 'mother' part.

Your mum's outburst looks like the bursting of a dam that's been holding back fears, mainly, but also resentments - for a very long time. It might have burst now due to background health issues. Or, equally, it might mean the realities of her changed life are finally breaking through. Or there might be a relationship issue that's stressing her to the limit.

I don't mean to suggest there's anything you could or should do to help her - merely trying to provide a bit of context as to how this could have happened. If she stays furious - or even if she reverts back to mummy mode - it might be better for you to increase the distance between you. This depends on all the people & circumstances involved.

In your position, I think I would dial down the relationship and see how her inner drama plays for a bit. Personally, I'd also try to open communications on the above issues - but that's me! Not everybody enjoys being an amateur therapist (and I'm not great at it, either.) Your primary obligation is to yourself and your own family, not your parents' identity crises.

Interesting point, Venus. Could be - would also go some way towards explaining inflexibility.

Those were horrible things to say, and she does need to apologise before you can get any further. I think you could be waiting a while for that, but you should hold out. The other thing you need to do, as pp have said, is stop accepting any kind of help from her at all. She clearly sees it (wrongly, but there you go) as giving her licence to comment on and interfere in your life. Take that 'justification' away and you can much more easily refuse to allow such interference. I'd think about getting on good terms with a childminder for any short term childcare you need, or seeing whether you could set up an exchange of childcare with a friend. Nothing wrong with going to see friends or anywhere else.

You need to let her explain herself so you can at least try to find out what the hell is going on and what this is all about. Going NC is ridiculous without at least trying to resolve it in the cool light of day. It would forever eat away at you and leave you with a bitter taste in your mouth.

You need to speak to your mother.

Sounds a bit like my mil. For some people there is a firm belief there is 'acceptable behavior' for mothers to adhere to and she's obviously been stewing over it for some time to blow up like that. Some people just don't believe autism exists, despite all the medical evidence to the contrary! Don't reward the bad behavior whatever you do. Insist on an apology and find alternative arrangements for child care. Don't let her overstep your boundaries again. You've enough to worry about with caring for your children especially given the diagnosis of autism without worrying about a grown adult who really should bloody well know better.

Garlic has it in my opinion. To add my own thoughts onto garlics post, does she over-mother you as some sort of way to 'educate' you in how to be a good mother and wife (in her eyes), and when you use your free time to have a life, have fun, be an individual...she takes it as a slap in the face? Hence her attempted physical attack on you??

Wow! Thankyou so much for your comments and insights! I'll try and answer them.

Re ASD yes there's a family history of it on her side, including her nephew (my cousin) who is the same age as me, and has quite profound difficulties, after years of being told he was naughty/try harder etc. It's tragic. His father and my mum are quite close. He bitterly regrets taking the approach they did (but I think they did their very best at the time) and is very keen that one of his grandchildren with whom there might be some issues, is looked at ASAP despite the child being still in nursery. I brought this up during the row and at that point my mum started shouting that even so, I didn't have to "tell everyone" about my son's diagnosis. (I haven't particularly, but obviously school and close friends know) and that by "broadcasting" it, he's "marked for life."

We thought she had got her head around his condition after years of "nonsense, he's fine when he's with me" and I showed her all his reports. But apparently that was "ramming it down her throat."

I don't know if she has any ASD traits herself - none that I've noticed but she doesn't "do" friendship particularly. She absolutely doesn't get why I maintain the friendships I do. She was very sociable when we were all small and interestingly I was packed off to Grandmas every (and I mean every) weekend as a child. I loved it though. If they needed a break from the kids there was always someone around, and my other grandparents would also come and stay and mind me and my sibling. She had a FAR busier social life than I do at this stage of motherhood.

Garlick yes she does over-mother. Always has. And no I don't think she's happy in her marriage, nor has she been for a long time.

The biggest explosion I've ever seen was when my marriage hit a wobble and we discussed separation and she went ballistic. Screaming in the street, threatening (although I can't remember what) full on tantrum. Hideous. And I'm fairly sure that was because she knew I was prepared to leave where as she never had. She calmed down slowly and babysat when we went for counselling, and we are ok now. As I write, the thing that sent her over the edge was I went to see my oldest friends around that time and I think she thought they would talk me into divorce especially the friend I just visited, who is also divorced. I wonder if that's eating her too?

And if I'm really digging I suspect she's angry with my little boy for having this, but she can't actually be angry with him, so I get it instead, especially as I've said it out loud.

What a mess.

Reading all your have written, I would say this, or part of this, is her "grief" at not having what she sees as a "normal" grandchild coming out.

When I was young in our secluded part of the world, mental illness was often seen by some as a "shame" on the family, as if is was somehow their "fault". By you seeking out a diagnosis, she feels you have brought this supposed "shame" on the family and it sounds like she was trying to convince herself nothing was wrong and you have shattered that delusion.

I'd go NC with her and also do not talk to your Dad about it at all. If he is going to play Switzerland, he can butt out completely.

You need time to think and reflect. I know your impulse may be to act but stepping away would be best at this point.

Take care of yourself

There is a lot of denial and anger and 'he's ok with me' when someone in the family had an ASD problem, diagnosed or not. A diagnosis does mean there is a 'facing up to it' thing going on.

I also know someone who's daughter has aspergers, who joins in and helps run things very well, over mothers and organises. We fell out. She is very normal but is very rigid in her beliefs, deep down and likes things to be on her terms. She does not have many personal friends. Women are very good at fitting in with society, and put there energy into different things so do not fit the 'trainspotter' stereotype, even with ASD problems.

It does not change the way you need to deal with her though. Boundaries and apology.