My mother. I don't know what to do.

[Quickhelp1]

We are v close, live near each other and she's a big part of our lives. She helps us with the children too and the other week I asked her if she would pick up my kids from school and wait with them till my husband got home, so for about 2.5 hrs. This was so I could visit my oldest friend who is unwell. That was fine, and my husband had taken the following day off so I could stay at friend's house and he'd do the school runs etc.
Whilst I was away one of the kids had a high temp and so DH kept him off school. My mum had said to him the night before that if he needed a hand with the school run if one was ill, to call her, so he did. (I wouldn't have rang her, first thing personally but he said she had offered, so he did and she came over and sat with the poorly one whilst he dropped the others.)

Anyway I came back and when I saw her, started to tell her about seeing my friend, and she tutted and rolled her eyes. So I asked why she did that and she EXPLODED. She laid into me about how my priorities are all wrong, I shouldn't be off trying to help other people when I had responsibilities at home, and what a terrible mother I am. My eldest has some additional needs including autism, and his diagnosis nearly killed me, but she said I should never have got him diagnosed, he would grow out of it, I've been looking for something to be wrong with him since he was born, and that because we paid for a private diagnosis then if you pay people enough they'll tell you what you want to hear. That I've "marked him for life" with this and I did it because I needed a "reaction." (Don't know what that even means.) I was horrified and told her that was an evil horrible thing to say.

I obviously argued back that what she was saying was nonsense and flies in the face of every specialist opinion we've had, and how would she feel if we left it and it turned out we were right, and she said "well I would be very sorry." I told her I would never forgive her for what she said, she ran across the room to hit me, but I shouted that she had better not, and she told me to get out.

I'm stunned. I don't know what to do. My dad came over yesterday and said "your mother is very upset" but that he didn't want to take sides, and I told him what she had said. He asked what my "plan" was and I said I didn't have one but if I did, it'd start with an apology from her. Then I went to the docs to get something for my shattered nerves.

What do I do????

I think some people cannot bear very much reality, so fabricate events in order to construct a version they can be. Which is uncomfortable for those of us who are more committed to truth.

I suppose the best outcome would be if your mother's affection for her grandchildren gradually helped her to realise that autism is a different way of being, but not some awful disaster to be denied, concealed etc.

It's good if we can respect our parents. But sadly often it's just not possible.

In your shoes, I'd avoid 'apologising' 'backing down' etc, as it will only make you angry. Something like 'I'll draw a line across/over that incident so we can move on, as it's clear we see things differently.'

Whoa, those are some pretty big lies.

It can be very peculiar, getting to know a parent as a fellow adult and seeing the person they really are. I think it can settle, one way or another, in time and with some attitude adjustments. But the processing's quite hard at times. Try to be kind with yourself and take whatever space you need

Gosh, major life changing lies, with serious consequences.

I think Marianne's line is the right one, but with the additional info you've given I'd be pretty wary now.

I'd also talk to your DF if you think it can be done semi confidentially about whether her behaviour is showing stress. And whether she really has been happy to provide so much support in the past. It may be hard, he may be suffering EA from her.

It does sound like she has some very old fashioned ideas about your role as a woman and a mother, and it's made her really angry to see you flouting them.

Likewise, it's not an uncommonly held view that autism isn't real and/or a diagnosis only causes trouble.

I really sympathise. My own mum is disgusted that I leave my husband to iron his own shirts, and kept my name after marriage. She's never blown up like your mum did though - that's really unacceptable.

The lies? Both were a good 20 years ago but that's the ones I know of. One was an employee she wanted rid of so she fabricated evidence to get him sacked.*

That's actually pretty horrific. Presumably the bloke also didn't get a reference so couldn't get another job? Do you know if he lost his house as a result?

What happens if she decides that someone else (eg her) would be better at looking after your children than you. Would she fake evidence for that too?

Yes they're big lies. I think the way this will go much longer term is as Marianne described it - her affection for my children being the focus of moving forward.

Garlick yes it's strange seeing her as a random adult instead of my mum. She absolutely cannot see me as anything other than her child, and with that, a perceived right to control and interfere.

Themodernuriahheap I can't talk to my dad about it yet as I know that he will do anything to keep the peace. Every time we have ever fallen out its around boundaries and without exception he takes her part because he has to deal with her. And also (on reflection) my opinions matter less.
She just takes over. And then is mortally offended when she's pulled back in line. All of this has brought back several other incidents of her crossing lines, to the extent that I actually feel unwell thinking about it.

Vagueideas yes, very much. She sees the father's role as no more than making sure the kids don't fall in the fire. She would nudge my husband out of the way when he changed a nappy, and then tell me to do it. And would tut and eye roll if I stood up to her.
When I had DS1 we were living in another country from my parents and I knew that unless DH found his own feet with him, my mum would shove him out if the way, so we told her we weren't having visitors for 3 weeks. She ignored this and booked a flight anyway. I went ballistic and made her cancel, which she did, but kept saying how her friends (?) thought it very unfair.

mumofteoyoungkids he got another job straightaway, and no he didn't lose his house.
And I think she's perfectly capable of lying to get what she wants, especially when cornered. It's bizarre actually. Anything official or slightly stressy and she finds it really hard to put the truth. Her and my Dad were in the middle of a house move once, and rented for a few weeks in between, and had to fill in a form for her driving licence, so without even asking, put my sister-in-law's parents address! They went mad understandably and she couldn't see why a "little white lie" was a problem. All she had to do was tell the truth but she didn't. It's like she thinks there's an ulterior motive if anyone wants information.

Good grief if you decide to maintain contact then keep her at a firm distance for the sake of your dc before she meddles with their views on life!

That's good.

Have you ever googled the signs that someone is a sociopath? It may make interesting reading......

She sounds a lot like my own DM, who has NPD.

I would steer well clear of her, and keep your DC away from her too. God knows what she says to DS when you are out of earshot!!

I don't particularly think she has a personality disorder, or is a sociopath! Just a self righteous woman with terrible boundary issues.

They are supposed to be coming to us for Christmas dinner. And there's a load of presents for the kids from us, stashed in her garage. I'm planning to send DH to get the presents, and not mention lunch and see what happens. But I do feel very, very sick about it.

There's just no excusing what she said and she's making it much worse by not apologising.

I really feel for with all this, OP.

I'm wondering if i got the chronology wrong op,but did you say earlier that some years before site disapprove of something and was screaming at you in the street?

So this isn't a one off?

You are entirely within your rights to consider her to just have boundary issues, but with the huge lies and the screaming and needing her dgc to not be marked, your father colluding and wanting you to capitulate, I'm seeing NPD, if not BPD, and i know that's become a big mn thing, but it doesn't mean it's made up!

Good luck op, whatever your approach, it's not what you want the week before Christmas.

Ps, haven't alluded to this site for years, but maybe pop over to daughtersofnarcissisticmothers.com ....

All kinds of crap phone typos there, sorry.

op, sometimes you can be too close to your mum. I think you need a bit of distance here, easier said than done when you rely on her for advice and childcare.

but its something to consider.

Iborgia, the screaming fit was last year. We moved house and the removal firm packed for us , and she was at the old house whilst I dropped the kids in school and went to the new one. I told her to leave as soon as they did - we still had the house for a few more weeks, it had to be cleaned etc. She tried to phone me but I didn't have a signal, and in frustration she drove over to find me. I wasn't in the new house, I was next door talking to a new neighbour and my dad appeared on the drive, in his car, to tell me my mum was on the warpath, because she couldn't find me. Then she sped up in her car, jumped out in the middle of the road and started screaming at me that I had a terrible attitude, that I'd totally taken her for granted (she offered!) and that I shouldn't be off having coffee with the neighbours. I told her I wasn't having any sort of a ridiculous conversation like this, either in public or private and that I was leaving. I got in my car and drove off.
She didn't speak to me for weeks but emailed me to tell me she had been stressed about the move, had felt "inadequate" in front of the removers when they asked her questions and was annoyed she couldn't get hold of me. So no acknowledgment of anything other than how she felt, what she was going through.

I'll look at that site. It's all v confusing to me, I woke up feeling nauseous about it. And as my husband said, "when has she EVER actually approved of anything you've done?" One of my siblings, meanwhile can do no wrong.

Ssd yes. Especially one who doesn't get boundaries.

Blimey - that must have been embarrassing

She does not see beyond her own immediate needs when things don't go to plan, does she? No wider view of why she could not get hold of you, or the need to get to know the new neighbours.............

Nope. There is only her perspective unless it's absolutely spelled out.

It's weird, we rubbed along fine, but that's mostly based on me doing as I'm told. The other thing she does, and it drives me mad, is second guessing everything I do, every decision, almost automatically. So "I'm just doing the children's snacks for school, they're having fruit strings." Mum: "Why don't you give them babybel cheese, they like those." And if I'd said babybel cheese she would have suggested fruit strings. I find myself defending every decision, however minor, and it's a sort of implied criticism, along with the assumption that I haven't thought it through. Jesus it drives me mad, and sets my nerves off, and then I snap, and feel guilty.

Sorry, I realise I'm using this thread as a kind of therapy session!

Mumsnet often makes a very good therapist :) Even my therapists have said so!!

Seriously what do you get out of this relationship? Does she criticise your DC in the same way?

Well she's my mum and I love her. And whilst this behaviour is awful, she's not like this all the time. My kids love her too.

there are so many threads on mumsnet just now about unreasonable and selfish mums and daughters who are hurt by them and try to defend their behaviour. Then try to understand it all.

I think you are just at the very very beginning of this op.