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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

please tell me I'm right (unless I'm not)

136 replies

Bloodyhellfire123 · 14/12/2015 20:42

Just been for a scan, should be at least 10 weeks pregnant but measuring too far behind..diagnosis missed miscarriage. Scheduled in for an op on friday under general anaesthetic.

Need someone to pick me up and stay with me afterwards.
Obviously assumed dp would be there for me. He's made it clear I'm an inconvenience to him. Actually asked if I could reschedule til next week when he's off work. Then when I said no asked if I could just take the tablets to make it pass (painful and according to consultant only 30% success rate). Then he said he couldn't get away from work early so I'd have to wait at the hospital for a couple more hours.
I cried and said he was putting work before me. He said I was being a dick.
He begrudgingly said he'd do it. I can't believe he's making me feel guilty. I think he's also pissed off coz he was meant to have a work night out on Friday (not official christmas do) and will feel like he can't go. If he does go. ..I'll be furious.

I'm not in the wrong here am I? !

OP posts:
ShebaShimmyShake · 15/12/2015 12:11

A relationship is supposed to make your life BETTER. OP, this crawling shitstain of a man has made your terrible experience of miscarriage even WORSE - and the kicker is that he would have preferred it to be even worse. He would have preferred you to have delayed and substandard care, be carrying your lost foetus for a week longer than necessary, have a worse medical outcome that could affect you permanently both physically and mentally - rather than rearrange a bit at work or miss an evening of piss up. And he called you horrid names to boot.

Why do you ever feel blessed? How is this a good father?

This man is worse than a millstone around your neck, at least a millstone isn't actively trying to harm you. You MUST gather your courage and find a way to LEAVE. Your life will be BETTER and your surviving child will be SAFER.

Original poster
Bloodyhellfire123 · 15/12/2015 13:26

Thank you for your messages. It has given me lots to think about and made me face up to opinions I probably should have myself.

I'm just trying to get through Friday and deal with practical stuff like finding someone to look after dc. Then I can process what has been said.

OP posts:
Duckdeamon · 15/12/2015 13:43

Hope they take good care of you in hospital on Friday OP Flowers

Hope you have an opportunity soon to spend time with a nice, supportive friend in RL.

MojitoMollie · 15/12/2015 13:50

oh sweetheart, i hope you have someone in RL to talk with but you can always come here.

No real advice to give you, but look after yourself and your DC xx

Belleende · 15/12/2015 14:44

So sorry about the mc. I have had a few of them myself. You made absolutely the right call on your treatment. Be kind to yourself and give your daughter a squeeze.

Pipestheghost · 15/12/2015 14:50

Jesus Christ op, get away from this selfish, unfeeling cunt as fast as you can. If not, you will live to regret it. Don't you think you deserve better? I'd be fucking livid if one of my dds settled for such a shit partner!

TeaFathers · 15/12/2015 15:00

AnyFucker It saddens me beyond measure to see women settling for so little.
and it happens over and over and over again.

this is a truly sad and sorry story.
please find the strength and anger to ditch this utter wanker.

ENtertainmentAppreciated · 15/12/2015 19:51

OP

We all understand that right now you have a pressing situation taking up all your emotional energy and you absolutely must focus on looking after yourself.

Everything must be very overwhelming and doubly so after reading all the comments and opinions. Please realize that the outpouring is because people are worried for you and appalled at the treatment your P is dishing out to you.

Take your time and start to think it all over when you're ready, but please don't doubt yourself and don't make any more excuses for him.
Remember this, a good father is supportive of his children's mother, not someone who maintains a facade for a certain amount of time and being a good father when an awful partner is not sufficient reason to persevere with someone who treats you so badly.

Phoenix69 · 16/12/2015 06:29

So many people make the mistake of judging how good a relationship is by the good times.

A relationship should be judged on how it is in the bad times, that's when you'll know how good it really is.

Every woman I have ever met who was in an abusive relationship always said 'But he's wonderful with the children...' myself included.

These comments by other posters exactly capture the moment. Hope Friday is bearable and collect your thoughts and move on. Don't delay. Find support.

Suddenlyseymour · 17/12/2015 20:50

I can't believe what i am reading.....after the way he has treated you, and it's still "but i love him", "we have split up before and I couldn't wait to get back to him"; then the old chestnut "but he really is good with the dc". Your bar is so low as to be non existent. I am so sorry for your losses, and just as sorry that you are choosing to stay with him. Yout self esteem must be shattered.

Original poster
Bloodyhellfire123 · 17/12/2015 21:52

Umm...yes. my self esteem is probably quite ridiculous .

He's out for drinks now. And I think he's going out still tomorrow after he's picked me up.

OP posts:
Original poster
Bloodyhellfire123 · 17/12/2015 21:52

Fed up and feel very alone.

OP posts:
Suddenlyseymour · 17/12/2015 22:22

Is there anyone else you can stay with?

ColdWhiteWinePlease · 17/12/2015 22:30

For the love of God, dump this twat.

CharlotteCollins · 17/12/2015 23:06

Hope everything goes well tomorrow, OP.

slicedfinger · 17/12/2015 23:11

I hope tomorrow goes as smoothly for you as possible. Be gentle on yourself. Flowers

ShebaShimmyShake · 17/12/2015 23:16

This is on him, OP. Not you. Whatever he says, however sure he seems, however he acts, it's on him. Not you. You have done nothing wrong. Do you have any family or friends where you and your child could go?

ISpeakJive · 18/12/2015 08:13

If your partner doesn't give a damn that you're going through such a heartbreaking, emotional thing as a miscarriage, then he checked out of the relationship ages ago!

Run!

mamas12 · 18/12/2015 08:19

Please get someone else to come with you drive and make tea etc ie look after you like you should ad need to be.
Pit may demonstrate to him what he's lacking and may or may not work but you really need some tlc at this time in your life and he isn't going to give it then you need to look after yourself and talk to someone to help you.
It mat shame hi. And he won't like it but tough, he may step up who knows
Please take care of yourself

redexpat · 18/12/2015 08:44

You. Deserve. Better.

Baconyum · 18/12/2015 20:30

Appreciate you may not be on Mn right now or want to reply but I just wanted to let you know you are being thought of with compassion. Hope today went as well as possible. Flowers

ENtertainmentAppreciated · 18/12/2015 22:01

That's nice Baconyum. I've had Bloodyhellfire on my mind today too Flowers

LindyHemming · 18/12/2015 22:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Bloodyhellfire123 · 18/12/2015 23:58

Thank you xxxx

DP at his works drinks now.
I'm doing ok though still very woozy from the anaesthetic. Had a bit of a cry at the hospital but pleased it's done.

Thank you for your kind thoughts

OP posts:
EachVentureIsANewBeginning · 19/12/2015 00:13

Glad you're doing okay. Really hope that continues. Take care of yourself.