Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

please tell me I'm right (unless I'm not)

136 replies

Bloodyhellfire123 · 14/12/2015 20:42

Just been for a scan, should be at least 10 weeks pregnant but measuring too far behind..diagnosis missed miscarriage. Scheduled in for an op on friday under general anaesthetic.

Need someone to pick me up and stay with me afterwards.
Obviously assumed dp would be there for me. He's made it clear I'm an inconvenience to him. Actually asked if I could reschedule til next week when he's off work. Then when I said no asked if I could just take the tablets to make it pass (painful and according to consultant only 30% success rate). Then he said he couldn't get away from work early so I'd have to wait at the hospital for a couple more hours.
I cried and said he was putting work before me. He said I was being a dick.
He begrudgingly said he'd do it. I can't believe he's making me feel guilty. I think he's also pissed off coz he was meant to have a work night out on Friday (not official christmas do) and will feel like he can't go. If he does go. ..I'll be furious.

I'm not in the wrong here am I? !

OP posts:
RiceCrispieTreats · 15/12/2015 09:37

I had exactly the same scenario: ex who didn't want to be there for scans, made out that it was a huge effort and that I was being unreasonable, said "oh fuck" when I got the positive pregnancy test, couldn't give a shit about my MMC (except insofar as it was drawing my attention away from him), shut me down when I tried to express my feelings...

It's funny reading your posts as I feel I've already lived through that exact script.

We're divorced now, and after a period of feeling a little lost, I am now happier than I have ever been.

Living with the heartless is so draining.

PhoenixReisling · 15/12/2015 09:38

I have just read the FT and I am Shock

Your bar is set very, very low in this relationship. You allow him to treat you like shit, because he sometimes is lovely.....Sad

You have told him that you need an op because of this MC and so far he has: called you a dick, tried to get you have the op on a day of his choice so he can go out and he said you were boring him when you tried to discuss it with him. OP, this is not right nor a sign of a healthy relationship. It actually reads that he detests you, that you are an inconvenience

Run. Very fast.

ENtertainmentAppreciated · 15/12/2015 09:45

I give my DCs very similar relationship advice to what Joysmum says up above.
When considering a partner, don't think about all their good points, they speak for themselves. Think about all their unattractive or negative qualities, we all have them, and if you can live with those, you've found a good one.

Bloodyhellfire123 · 15/12/2015 09:50
Sad
OP posts:
Aussiemum78 · 15/12/2015 09:51

When things are good, is it when he is getting everything he wants and you aren't making any demands on him? His needs are being met and you aren't asking for anything?

Asking for care after a miscarriage is a pretty basic demand. And he's placing a night out above this need of yours?

He's a selfish entitled man child.

Bloodyhellfire123 · 15/12/2015 09:51

My parents had a good relationship largely and didn't spilt up until I was 19.

Dp and I have separated before. I was devestated the whole time and couldn't wait to get back to him. He actually is wonderful with dc.

OP posts:
Bloodyhellfire123 · 15/12/2015 09:53

Aussiemum probably yes..

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 15/12/2015 09:55

There is no "probably" about it. He is a selfish manchild.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 15/12/2015 09:57

He is not a good example to his DC primarily and simply because he treats you like poo on his shoe. Women in abusive relationships often write comments along the lines of, "he's a good dad" because they cannot themselves write anything at all positive about their man.

ShebaShimmyShake · 15/12/2015 10:09

OP...

Abusers are ALWAYS nice some of the time. I wish more people realised this. Abuse, like rape, is widely misunderstood. Just as many people think it's not rape unless a man leapt on a woman with absolutely no preceding events and she had to crawl to the police station weeping and bleeding immediately afterwards, many people think it's abuse only if he's constantly beating you with no reprieve and you go home every day covering your head with your hands and cowering. Abuse can be complicated, rape can be complicated, in fact they almost always are. But that doesn't mean they're not abuse or rape, or that they're in any way justifiable, that they are not vile and repulsive acts that SHOULD NOT BE HAPPENING.

You miscarried. His response was to prioritise work (please reread your post where you justified this because he, er, was working the previous week as well), try to persuade you to have SUBSTANDARD MEDICAL CARE because it was more convenient for him, and CALLED YOU NAMES.

This is abusive behaviour and it is NOT OK just because he sometimes hugs you or covers you financially (and don't imagine he's not using that as a major form of control either). Abusers are ALWAYS nice some of the time. It's how they keep you unsure enough to stay with them. It's how they maintain their own self image of a good person who's just sometimes FORCED to act badly because YOU'RE so terrible (this is really common - this is honestly how these cowardly shitbags see themselves. It's one reason they're so convincing when they tell you how great they are really. They sincerely believe it.). It's how they get you to keep acting the way they want; as long as you behave, they'll be sweet to you, mostly.

Abusers are ALWAYS nice some of the time. But how would you even know it with a man who neglects you and calls you names and expects you to have unnecessarily sub par care because your miscarriage didn't suit his schedule? If I hit you over the head repeatedly with a shovel, I'm sure you'd feel very blessed and happy indeed when I stopped for five minutes, yes?

You are horribly vulnerable right now in every possible way, so I understand you can't just do a Gloria Gaynor on his disgusting abusive arse just like that. But please, please, please, look into how you and your child can leave this terrible situation. There is help available, there is support, there are people here on MN who have done it in even worse conditions. It can be done and you CAN do it.

Do NOT be put off by the fact you're financially dependent on him. You're not married so you're hugely vulnerable in that respect anyway. And while you don't mention it, if he doesn't use his financial leverage over you in some way already, or wouldn't be prepared to, I will eat my hat. I never, ever, ever knew an abusive man with financial power who didn't use it. It's just a matter of time. Get out before it gets worse.

And for the love of God, don't have another child with this worthless piece of shit.

molyholy · 15/12/2015 10:13

Oh god OP. I am so sorry about your miscarriage. But your, well I am loathe to call him 'partner' because that conjures up the image of working together and as a team. The person you live with who supposedly 'has your back', is a fucking selfish twat. He thinks so little of you. If he told his boss his partner had a mc and he needed to go the hospital with you, no employer on earth would refuse this request, surely! He simply doesn't WANT to look after and care for you. Why the hell would you stay with him? He can still be a good dad without living with you.

RiceCrispieTreats · 15/12/2015 10:16
Helmetbymidnight · 15/12/2015 10:19

It's shocking that you say he is wonderful with your dc. Do you think that's wonderful parenting to treat the other parent the way you are being treated? It's horrendous. He's a shit dad.

I'm sorry you are making the choice to be with a man like this. Sad

eternalopt · 15/12/2015 10:24

Don't usually join in with LTB threads, but my jaw hit the floor at you "boring him now".

You wanted to find out if you were right to be annoyed and you absolutely are. You know you are. You are wrong to not be a bit nicer to yourself by not putting up with this shit.

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 15/12/2015 10:28

I am most shocked that he wanted you to have a painful, frightening miscarriage at home rather than go and have it all dealt with under general anaesthetic, as well as remaining with a dead foetus inside you for longer than necessary (I've had a mmc, I know how horrifying that feeling is) because he was working.
How the fuck can you feel blessed to be anywhere near this clown?

TPel · 15/12/2015 10:29

OP. Please read this thread again and again.

There is so much sense spoken here. A good father wouldn't behave this way at all. A good partner wouldn't either. I can't imagine in a million years my DH not being with me at a time like this. He has a hugely demanding and responsible job, but I come first.

KinkyAfro · 15/12/2015 10:34

This is one of the saddest threads I've read on here for a while, he is being such a cunt and you're allowing it to happen. Please, please, please do not have any more kids with this piece of shit, as previous posters have said, you will live to regret it.

I'm sorry for your loss

April2013 · 15/12/2015 10:38

His behaviour has really shocked me, I'm so sorry for your loss and his behaviour :(. I had a MMC last summer and an erpc operation afterwards, the whole situation and the recovery period afterwards made me realise who was there for me and who wasn't, I realised a few close family who I thought would be there for me were absolutely nowhere, it made it crystal clear who cared for me and who didn't when it came down to it. Some silently disappeared, some made excuses and some were annoyed at me that I asked for heir help (this was on a much lesser scale than has happened to you but it hurt like hell at the time and things will never be the same again). My DH and my young son and my Mum and a good friend kept me sane (relatively!) I would seriously urge you to get help from someone else after your operation - you should be with someone who genuinely cares and wants to care for you, is there anyone else who could go with you to hospital, wait for you during the operation then take you home, look after you and your child whilst you recover? I had some complications before the operation so my recovery was longer than normal but I think the general advice is that it will be a good few weeks before you will be totally physically back to normal and you should be taking it easy, you ideally need someone to help you. If I was you and with the benefit of hindsight because of my experience last summer, I think I would go and stay somewhere else from after your operation and over Xmas, if I had someone else you would care for me - how about either of your parents?

BananaRaces · 15/12/2015 10:43

OP, I'm so sorry about your miscarriage. I'm even more sorry that the person who you should be able to rely on more than anyone else in the world is being downright cruel about it!

Just as a contrast - I'm currently 31 weeks pregnant and after I had my 12 week scan I had a phone call from the midwife while I was in work to say that there was a high chance that something was wrong with the baby (I won't go into it here, and we were lucky enough that everything turned out to be OK). The midwife asked me to come into the hospital and discuss what we wanted to do next. I called DH, who was in an important work meeting in London (4 hours from where we live). He answered, and when I told him what was going on he walked out of the meeting immediately (even though I said we could see the midwife the next day), ran across the tube and jumped on a train. He then called my best friend and told her what was going on, asking her to be at our house when I got home so that I wouldn't be sat on my own for half an hour waiting for him to get home. He managed to get home in time for us to go and see the midwife that afternoon, and when I was exhausted at like 8pm (because it had been such an awful day) he came to bed with me so that I wouldn't be on my own thinking it all over.

He's no perfect angel or anything - he leaves dirty laundry all over the place, sometimes snores like a train etc. BUT When the chips are down he is there in a heartbeat, just like I am for him. Anything less than full support at a time like this is just NOT good enough and the "you're boring me now" comment is shockingly cruel!!

BarbarianMum · 15/12/2015 10:47

Here is some advice you don't want but please consider it.

Please ensure you have no more children with this man for at least the next 2 years. This will give you space to have a good look at this relationship and decide if this is what you want from a life partner. To see if you still feel blessed, or worth more something else instead.

Flowers sorry for your situation

PatMullins · 15/12/2015 10:54

What a horrible thing to say to someone who is suffering so much.

Please don't forget what he has said to you, the disgusting way in which he has treated you and be extra cautious about having any more children with him.

Financially dependent or not, you CAN leave, it's certainly not a unique situation. There is help out there for you should you wish to dump his callous backside.

Thinking of you Flowers

NickiFury · 15/12/2015 11:06

This thread is making me want to cry and I am as hard as they come. This man hasn't got your back, he doesn't care about you in the same way that you care about him. Any "love" he has for you is superficial and limited. You're not on the same page. If that's enough for you then you'll stay I guess and believe me I understand staying and how hard it can be to make that decision to walk away. I think in a few years though as this kind of thing happens more often, you'll realise quite how awful your situation is and I hope you'll find the strength then.

fuzzywuzzy · 15/12/2015 11:43

Every woman I have ever met who was in an abusive relationship always said 'But he's wonderful with the children...' myself included.

Wonderful with the children is a man who supports the mother of his children.

OP, I am so very sorry for your loss. Concentrate on getting through the medical procedure and getting your health back.

Keep in mind, this man does not have your back when you need it. Do you have friends and family in RL who you can look to for support? Gather them around you.

ShebaShimmyShake · 15/12/2015 11:58

I found out only recently that my father did actually punch my mother on occasion in the early days of their marriage, before they had kids. Doubtless she thought he'd be a good father nonetheless. I won't hijack your thread with my experiences, OP, but suffice to say, he was not a good father and he did everything to me that he did to my mother and more.

Get out for your child's sake if nobody else's. If you have a son, you don't want him growing up with this as a male role model. And if you have a daughter, God help her.

Belleende · 15/12/2015 12:03

This man is showing you who he is in glorious techicolour detail. Not only that he (and you) is teaching your daughter how she should expect to be treated by a partner. You say you want to give your daughter a great christmas. Forget the Frozen tat. The very best, most important and lasting gifts you can give her are self esteem and self respect. You can do this by making this the last Christmas she has to witness her dad treating her mum like a doormat.

Swipe left for the next trending thread