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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

please tell me I'm right (unless I'm not)

136 replies

Bloodyhellfire123 · 14/12/2015 20:42

Just been for a scan, should be at least 10 weeks pregnant but measuring too far behind..diagnosis missed miscarriage. Scheduled in for an op on friday under general anaesthetic.

Need someone to pick me up and stay with me afterwards.
Obviously assumed dp would be there for me. He's made it clear I'm an inconvenience to him. Actually asked if I could reschedule til next week when he's off work. Then when I said no asked if I could just take the tablets to make it pass (painful and according to consultant only 30% success rate). Then he said he couldn't get away from work early so I'd have to wait at the hospital for a couple more hours.
I cried and said he was putting work before me. He said I was being a dick.
He begrudgingly said he'd do it. I can't believe he's making me feel guilty. I think he's also pissed off coz he was meant to have a work night out on Friday (not official christmas do) and will feel like he can't go. If he does go. ..I'll be furious.

I'm not in the wrong here am I? !

OP posts:
Marilynsbigsister · 14/12/2015 22:36

You may love him OP, but does he love you ? Were you actively ttc or was this unplanned ? Is he upset at the loss or pissed off you were pregnant in the first place?

kittybiscuits · 14/12/2015 22:38

What a thundercunt. So sorry for your loss Flowers. Please don't let him be in your life any more.

Original poster
Bloodyhellfire123 · 14/12/2015 22:41

I'm already financially dependent on him I'm afraid. Not married though so no legal stuff.

It was somewhat unplanned. He said "oh fuck" when I got a positive test but supposedly only because I'm about to start a new job and it was bad timing for me

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 14/12/2015 22:41

It saddens me beyond measure to see women settling for so little.

Duckdeamon · 14/12/2015 22:43

Congrats on the job. Please seek not to be financially dependent on him. He won't have regard to your interests. Not being married makes you financially vulnerable if you're not working.

AnyFucker · 14/12/2015 22:44

Op, you have been really very foolish indeed to allow yourself and a child to get financially dependent on a selfish and cruel cunt like this without even the legal and financial protection of marriage.

I fully believe you will live to regret that massively, like many women before you.

Justaboy · 14/12/2015 22:48

"It was somewhat unplanned. He said "oh fuck" when I got a positive test but supposedly only because I'm about to start a new job and it was bad timing for me"

Pardon me did I read that right he said Oh Fuck?.

Fer Christ sakes woman see the light drop this pile of poo as soon as you can and do and get a decent man Please!

That sort to thing makes me ashamed to be a man, really does!

BathtimeFunkster · 14/12/2015 22:50

You feel blessed to be with an abusive cunt who doesn't even bother to have minimal respect for you?

This is a shit man. The way he treats you is appalling.

Nothing can make up for asking you to wait a week, risking your life, so you could miscarry at his convenience.

Don't make your child grow up watching his father treat his mother as an inhuman subspecies.

Vixxfacee · 14/12/2015 22:50

Get rid
Sorry about your miscarriage Flowers

ElfOnTheBoozeShelf · 14/12/2015 23:22

"Miscarry at his convenience". That sentence is so heartbreaking, but exactly what has been asked for.

OP please don't settle for this.

Mrskeats · 14/12/2015 23:33

Appalling behaviour by any measure
Your partner is meant to be your rock when things go wrong. Otherwise what's the point?
I would drop everything for my partner in a crisis and know he would for me.
I am so sorry for your loss but please think carefully about your and your child's future with a man with such dodgy priorities

Baconyum · 14/12/2015 23:35

Flowers very sorry for your loss. Have lost 3 myself.

That said I think you need to read up on the cycle of abuse (they're nice sometimes cos nobody would stay with anyone who was a nasty cunt all the time). You may feel you are but you don't have to be financially dependant on this twat. Get advice not only legally but from welfare agencies too including possibly women's aid as I've a feeling this is possibly the least of his abuse.

Also you may be willing to put up n shut up, should your child?

WhoooshFlooosh · 15/12/2015 03:32

So sorry for your loss, op Flowers

As pp have said, you deserve so much better. A Dp would be giving you emotional support not calling you a dick.

I had a missed miscarriage a few years ago & was subjected to similar dickish behaviour by my 'D'H. I also asked for advice on mumsnet & recognise a few names upthread Smile. I ignored that advice & went on to have DS.

I went from being a financially independent, confident woman to a financially dependent, depressed & anxious mess in only a few years of being in a relationship with DickishH.

He is now my ex. I am slowly getting my life back.

Please listen when you are told you deserve better. Have you read the thread at the top of the 'relationships' section? the 'right, listen up everybody'? It's brilliant & empowering.

Sending best wishes Xmas Smile

freespiritsbadattitude · 15/12/2015 04:03

Blessed?? Jesus. I'm sorry but loving him isn't sufficient reason to stay. Love isn't enough, it doesn't conquer all or any of that movie shite. You actually need respect and kindness too.

As others have said, you are worth so much more. And so is your DC - do you want them to grow up thinking this is a normal relationship and picking their partners accordingly?

Phoenix69 · 15/12/2015 05:38

Did you call him your DP? The d standing for darling/dear or for dickhead. What sort of man doesn't bend over backwards to help his partner going through what you are going through. Why are you calling him your DP? Of course you are not in the wrong. You need support and love now, obviously not from him he sounds like an emotional drain. Not now but when you are over this, bin him.

sianihedgehog · 15/12/2015 05:47

Jesus christ, he sounds like an absolute prick. Do you really want your child growing up thinking that this is how relationships work?!

AttilaTheMeerkat · 15/12/2015 07:51

"And I know it'll sound ridiculous to some...but I love him and don't want to leave. He isn't always like this and I feel blessed in other ways".

I think your relationship bar is non existent. I would think your love for him is actually based on an unhealthy co-dependency. Its not love at all, I do not think you actually know what a mutually loving relationship is because no-one ever bothered to show you what that is like. Its certainly not the relationship you have currently shackled yourself to now.

Do you really not want to leave or do you really feel you cannot leave due to your child, a lack of money, being afraid of being on your own or fear of the so called unknown?. What do you get out of this relationship?. What do you think your child is learning from the two of you about relationships here?.

What did you learn about relationships when growing up; was your own parents relationship also abusive in nature too?.

Abusers are not nasty all the time; infact they can do nice very well sometimes. However, their act never lasts and you and by turn your child are in for a life of misery if you did choose to stay with him.

Joysmum · 15/12/2015 07:59

So many people make the mistake of judging how good a relationship is by the good times.

A relationship should be judged on how it is in the bad times, that's when you'll know how good it really is. Sad

SwedeDreams · 15/12/2015 08:01

I'd rather swim with the crocodiles than shackle myself to a cunt like this.

If you read that written by someone else, I bet you'd say leave the bastard too. You can do better, you don't have to accept this utter arse as the best you can get. Find your self worth, woman!

Sprink · 15/12/2015 08:14

A relationship should be judged on how it is in the bad times, that's when you'll know how good it really is.

That's so profound, joysmum. Would that everyone realised it.

ColdWhiteWinePlease · 15/12/2015 09:03

Read this thread with utter disbelief. What a horrible excuse of a man. Sorry for what you are going thru, it's rotten.

I am not pregnant. But if I rang my DH now and said that I felt really ill, I can tell you with absolute certainty, that he would tell his boss and he would come home to look after me. And he works in Emergency Services, so it's a big deal to leave.

Even my cheating twerp ExH was by my side thru a MC, looked after me and cried with me.

I know you don't to leave him. You have to explore why you are allowing him to treat you so so badly? He really is a Pig. And I've no doubt he'll go on that night out. Why wouldn't he? He gets away with everything.

Original poster
Bloodyhellfire123 · 15/12/2015 09:17

cold yes I do worry about that night out... I'm supposed to have someone stay with me for 24 hours after and I known it's just a precaution and I'll be fine but even I know if he does that it's mega shitty and I shouldn't put up with it.

OP posts:
RiceCrispieTreats · 15/12/2015 09:30

No-one is a twat 100% of the time. But this man has consistently displayed lack of empathy and nastiness towards you. This is not a one-off. This is your future for as long as you stay with him.

You deserve better.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 15/12/2015 09:33

Why are you still together?.

What did you learn about relationships when growing up?.

Smorgasboard · 15/12/2015 09:34

If you want to give him a kick, disappear with your child for as long as you can. That time apart will be telling, either he will miss what he's got and come to his senses, or you may come to realise that he doesn't love you.
You seem to be missing the point of being with someone, which is about their feelings towards you, not just about your feelings of love for them.
I could love Johnny Depp, but that would be pointless and irrelevant to him and me as I doubt he'd feel the same.

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