When Will This Horror Show End?

[PatButchersEarrings26]

Have NC'd for this, regular user, always very open with DH and occasionally show him threads on here. However, it would destroy him to read what I'm about to write.

I've read a lot on here about limerence, and infatuation, and a lot has been a little helpful. But I'm posting as much to just get this down because there is nobody in RL I can talk to and I think I am going slowly insane.

I'm a self-employed freelancer, but work loosely with other companies. A few months ago I started working with a new company, and have subsequently developed something that feels more than an intense crush on my main contact person. Obviously, I'm married, with a small child. Before I met him, I would have described myself as very, very happily married, secure, no money worries, both DH and I successful in our fields. Not smug marrieds (or at least I hope not) but frequently referred to amongst our circle as the happiest marriage around. I've had a challenging year professionally, but not what I would consider a tough year. I am wracking my brains to think of what circumstances might have given birth to this insanity, because you usually read - unhappy marriage, money woes, health issues, bla bla bla. I can claim none of these.

Sure, in nearly a decade of marriage, I've admired the odd attractive man and had the odd daydream for a minute or two (usually around ovulation!) but nothing that I would even term a crush.

However, this man has completely taken up residence in my head, my body, whatever and I cannot stop thinking about him. It's painful the way I feel when I stand next to him. Thankfully, I don't have to see him more than once a month. I am totally professional, and keep all correspondence to an absolute minimum and only ever work related. We don't socialise as such. However, he befriended me on FB, but not my DH (who is my business partner) which I found odd, and occasionally posts/messages me non work things. I never keep the conversation going more than is necessary. I am in a quandary over whether to delete him from our social media connections, but I think that would look very weird given that we have minimal interaction as it is.

He is divorced, and single. That's about all I know. I have restrained myself and don't look at his FB page at all. But any correspondence from him, no matter how brief or dry, literally makes me want to collapse with joy. I feel completely ridiculous just writing this.

I cannot sleep. I cannot eat. I have lost a stone in a month. I cannot think. I feel absolutely awful. I have not asked for this. But the way he looks at me makes me want to pass out. I don't think I've ever wanted another human being the way I want this man. It's not even as though he is the most gorgeous man on the planet (although he is handsome I suppose). I've even thought about divorcing my DH and starting over, even before telling this man how I feel. I feel like I'm cheating on my DH and I've never said a word outside of my head until now.

I just want to rewind 6 months and go back to how happy I was before. Some days I just want to run away but I adore my child so much I could never do anything stupid. The worst thing is that I know my DH is wonderful and a total catch and yet now I don't even know if i love him. It is literally killing me. Last night, this man came to an event I organised, but I never got a chance to see him because I was so insanely busy working and the disappointment I felt today has been overwhelming.

Sorry this is so long. I just need a hand to hold, someone who has been through this to tell me it will pass. I'm trying to do all the things I've read about in order to get over limerence. I keep reminding myself that I am a capable, sorted, forty something successful wife and mother and try to shut down thoughts of him, but they come unbidden into my head and will not leave.

If you have been through this, how long did it last? If you managed to get through it and not wreck your life, how did you do it?

But the big question in the back of my head at all times is: What if this man is meant to be in my life? Because it is so overwhelming.

Thank you so much if you read this. I just needed to get this out before my brain exploded.

Mermaid - Thanks for the clarification.

I hope that in my case there were no indications that I suddenly took a liking to this man. I have always maintained that I do not want to get close to anyone. I am still devastated at the loss of SO but perhaps I am secretly hoping that there is someone at some point in the future if these things are sign of other things than the obvious.

Sorry to resurrect this thread, but I guess I'm just in need of some comfort/handholding/perspective. Posters on this thread were so helpful a few months ago I could really benefit from their wisdom again.

Basically, this feeling hasn't gone away. It's got worse. I have done everything as suggested upthread - bare minimum of contact, delegating to DH where necessary, haven't seen the man who has such a hold on me for over three months now. But every day is misery, pure misery, and I don't know what to do. I feel like a shell of myself. I can't concentrate on work, family, anything - and I continue to look to the future and feel nothing but deflation and non existent enthusiasm. I had to go to a school function last night and I felt like I was suffocating.

I am trying to put everything I can into my marriage. But it's got to the point now where I can only have sex with my DH while thinking of the other man. This in turn makes me feel so guilty - and empty. But what else can I do to keep up this charade?

I've tried talking to DH - without mentioning my feelings for the other man, of course - talking about the other sources of frustration and unhappiness, but I don't think he really hears me. He has taken on an immense workload of late, on a project I am not involved in, so most evenings I am on my own, and most weekends too. I have never felt so isolated. I work from home on my own a lot, and I think I am going slowly mad.

Aargh. Forgive my brain dump here, but it is literally the only place I feel safe enough to talk about this.

The other man hasn't contacted me in any capacity other than work. And I haven't contacted him either - leaving all professional correspondence to DH.

Did someone upthread mention this could last for up to two years? Well, I'm six months in, so I guess that's a quarter of this hellish period done. (Trying to look on the bright side.)

Thanks for reading if you have. Any advice very gratefully received!

I commented on your thread last year under a different name OP. Maybe you need to end your marriage? After 'the talk' with your DH and it became evident to you that he is more interested in the material things of life and money whereas you are in need of more ethereal things like love and laughter, companionship and shared interests. There is writ large a fundamental difference in what you both see as important in your futures. The limerance can be seen as a symptom of an underlying problem, no more and no less. I have had it and left my partner at the time as a result of it. I did not leave for the OM just that the limerance was telling me something about myself. I do not regret that decision.
I'm now with a new DP and we both love similar things and it is a warm and friendly place to be. I want to grow old with this one

TwoTwentyGowerRoad did you have children with your ex?
I just look at my child, and I can't imagine breaking up his home because I am unhappy. I can just about survive my own unhappiness - but to make my child unhappy would be even worse. And yet every day I feel like I can't breathe.

I imagine doing the 'I want a divorce' talk and I can't get my head around it.
How long did you live with the limerence before walking away? And what did the limerence tell you about your situation? My problem is that I wasn't remotely unhappy before I met the OM - quite the opposite. I keep trying to work out what it is that the limerence and OM is trying to tell me, or whether I am now picking holes in a life many other people would crave so desperately because of my feelings for the OM. (Isn't that often the case with cheating spouses, they look for justification, i.e. that it's as much their innocent DP's fault as it is theirs?)

I also dread how our families would react if I was to leave my DH. I don't think my parents would ever forgive me, and I think my MIL would turn very very nasty indeed.

I just feel hideously trapped.

I have been going through this for 3.5 years now . Intensive psychotherapy hasn't helped. It is like hell on earth. I really hope you can find some answers .

The only thing I can categorically say is - DO NOT ACT ON THESE FEELINGS. They represent some kind of unleashing of suppressed feelings and needs (I think). But dont make decisions that will affect your life (and family's lives) based on those feelings. Please. That way madness lies...

This thread has made me happy and sad at the same time.

Im going through this right now. Its hell. I hate it so much. It hurts.

Can I tell my story? If only to get it off my chest? Get it out there. I have no-one to tell. No-one I trust enough. I judge myself so much about what has happened and what is happening.

I am married (12 years in AUG) and have 3 DC. A year ago I started a new job. There was someone there (X) who made me feel excited, he didnt do anything to make me feel like this. Everything was very professional. Only ever talked about work related stuff. Any conversation that was not about work was always as part of a group. There was no flirting going on or anything. I just got shaky and excited if I needed to see him about something (was always work) and I questioned this at the time. I decided I was imagining it. After all I was happily married and people in good relationships didnt feel attracted to others did they? That was my thinking at the time anyway.

I became friends with him on FB along with 30 other colleagues over the following few months and even though deep down I thought I was slightly attracted to him I was able to push any feelings aside and forget about it. There was still no flirting or any reason to feel this way. BTW he is divorced dad of 2 and in a LTR with someone who also has a child.

Roll on to December. We went on a works pre-christmas night out (work were organising one in the new year to save on costs). We all got drunk. Some of us a bit too much Anyway I remember being pleased that I hadn't made too much of a fool of myself but I also remember pictures being taken of me and X. It was never just the two of us in the photo, but I remember him having his arms round me and me feeling happy that he was doing that. All part of photo's with other people in too and both me and him had our arms round other people too.

Anyway that was the start of the limerence for me. I woke the next morning thinking that something had happened. Some of the night is a blur I must admit. I didnt remember anything bad had happened so went to work as normal on the Monday. Things felt a little strange between me and X, but it was fine really. Anyway time went on and I found myself thinking about X more and more.

Fast forward to just over a month ago to the real (belated) christmas party which the company organised. We got drunk (though admittedly not as drunk as before) and X told me that we had kissed on the previous night out. He said it was OK cos nobody saw. I said it wasnt. Im married and he is in a LTR. There was lots of people around so apart from a bit of flirting nothing else happened. Though thinking about it now, it does scare me into what could have happened if there were less of us.

Now I cant stop thinking about him. It hurts that he has a GF, yet I have no intention of leaving my DH and DCs. Though I must admit I did consider it. I became distant for a while. X split with his GF for about 5 mins. I heard through word of mouth that they were splitting then saw on FB that they did. However 48 hours later they were out for a meal when his football team were playing on TV. So they obvsiously didn't. We have not discussed anything while sober. its all been drunk words.

Right now it hurts to know he has a GF. When he mentions her at work or I see something on FB (she's always tagging him in pictures) it hurts. Ive often fantasised our wedding, snuggling on the sofa etc.

Anyway right now I am looking for a new job. I am applying for 3 or 4 at least every night. I am registered with lots of different agencies who all say my CV is very very strong. The only problem is that there is not as many jobs out there as usual as Ive been told by a few people and have seen myself.

As soon as I leave I am unfriending X on FB and pulling away completely. I have moved teams at work so dont have much to do with him at all. A lot less than before. Ive said about 3 things to him this week and haven't spoken to him since Wed even though we've both been at work and have passed each other in the office and the corridor. Actually reading this back and seeing that he nearly split with his GF and now we hardly speak I wonder if maybe he's thinking the same as me. We need to pull away completely as something could happen if we let it.

What is helping me is my journal. I have a folder on my laptop which is password protected and I save a word document every so often where I let it all out. Ive been doing this for years anyway. Its only recently its all been about X. Another thing helping me is the relationship boards on MN. I look at them all the time and have posted in my usual NN often. My DCs also help. I just have to look at them and know that its right to stay with DH and keep going. This too shall pass.

Im just hoping once I do get a new job and I can leave my current position and leave X behind. Right now its all I think about. I imagine him there, I make up scenarios in my head, I have conversations with him in my head all the time. He never leaves. I knew back in Dec that 2016 was going to be a hard year, but I think I can do this even in my wobbly moments (which I was having a couple of hours ago before reading this thread) deep down I know I can do this.

The only reason why Im not unfriending him now is that I dont want it to be awkward at work if he realises. Then he might realise how I really feel. I really dont want him to know.

Sorry that was long, just needed to get that out there. It might help.

1. Everytime you have a lustful thought about him imagine seeing his skidded pants in the laundry basket.

1. Get a thick tight elastic band and put it on your wrist. Each time you think of him ping the elastic band rather hard so that it hurts.

1. What Iamloved said at 13.27.

that book 'love and limerance' is quite helpful on this subject

If you haven't seen him for 3 months then you're doing well. My experience of this was equally hellish and now I look back and think, "what...?"

It's possible that your issues with your DH are more serious but it will be impossible to tell until you are out of the bubble.

That will happen, but it will take a while. Keep going. So glad you have found support on here as it can be almost terrifying at times.

When I think back to my limerences [is there such a word] I feel a great compassion - for myself. The guy had nothing to do with it, it was all about me. I feel so moved that I went through that pure hell.

(I hate it that people call it a crush. It was much, much worse than a crush.)

I know this feels like it is crowding everything out but can you find a small corner to view yourself and what you're going through with compassion. You are really going through it. Imagine a perfect parent moved with compassion to see you caught in such an agonising and ruthless vice.

Also imagine that, whatever happens, one day it will be gone. Can you step outside of this for just a moment to view it objectively? Ime, taking the opportunity to step away, even momentarily, begins to significantly loosen the grip of things that have us by the throat.

Ime it was like a drug and I hunted for that impossibly exhilarating feeling. If something distracted me I'd think 'where was I?' and I'd set-to to get back to the irresistible headiness of it. But with that would come intense self-loathing, shame, condemnation (also seductive, in its way). Round and round it went. Agony.

The logical thing I suppose would be to interrupt, even momentarily, that cycle and, with no condemnation at all, recognising that what we are experiencing is within the bounds of human experience, look at the component we are experiencing in that moment and dissect it, give it names or titles eg 'i am feeling intense longing' 'what am I actually longing for?' [yy the answer is 'I'm longing for HIM' but that's too general; try to be more (and more) specific]. Etc. Take it apart.

A method suggested to me by a therapist was to dive right into it in therapy: to fully entertain (in thoughts and feelings) the forbidden, and work through it. Perhaps it's the forbidden, and straddling midway between the longing and the forbidden, that creates the vice? A house divided against itself. I didn't have the courage to actually do this with my therapist but even the thought of it loosened the grip.

Tired now. Exhausting stuff.

Sorry you're going through it too, Giraffe.

Would mindfulness help?

OP I just read the first and last pages so don't know if you have done this already but have you seen a therapist? I think talk therapy could help as it sounds like you are going through a personal crisis although you believe it's just a crush. I think you need to find ways to fulfil yourself because it sounds like you grieving

Don't lose everything chasing fools gold.

My ex was not as strong as you and split our family up chasing another man instead of dealing with our/her problems together. It has been devastating. The end result I was left picking up the pieces and raising the kids on my own. By the looks of it things are not going good with the OP and she is staring to realise and regret life she has lost. Unfortunately as much as I loved her too much damage was done. It makes me angry that her selfishness (may be I am being a bit unfair but that's how it feels) has hurt so many people, especially the kids. Its makes it so much more sad her life is now sad and loney. We had much together and I loved her more than anything dispite her faults.

So think carefully, don't chuck it in the bin. This feeling is probably symptomatic of underling issues. They need to be dealt with for everyones sake. It may turn out that you no longer want to be with your OH. If so sometimes that's how life is. But first try a repair things and if this fails try to mange a break up responsibly. Don't just lie, keep him in the dark and shit all over him like my ex wife. I would definitely not be rash and give it time.

That intense and painful longing...such a drain on your life force

Hi OP, in answer to your Q. No, no DC so I can see how that would change things. It is a particular type of hell. The very good post by Giraffefire makes me wonder if it's all actually a primaeval thing that is wired into our brains? As she said she felt the excitement immediately and others have said how they can be attracted to men that they would never normally pursue because he is not their type, is a bit arrogant or that they are married or the man is married or otherwise unavailable. I am wondering if it's a deeper thing related to pheromones or something. It would also explain why it can just switch off as it did with me. Our brains are primitive in a lot of ways and we receive messages in many ways.
If you were 100% happy with your DH before all this then it's probably going to be a phase but quite how you KNOW is another matter. I agree with a PP maybe a few sessions with a Psychologist may bring you answers.

Of course I suppose we have to assume that our DHs and DPs go through the same thing from time to time which is an uncomfortable thought :(

You have fallen in. You say you have followed all the advice but you actually haven't. The clear advice from December was for zero contact (even if it seems rude or awkward). You didn't do that, you just minimised it. The clear advice was not to think about him, even though it's hard. But because you didn't go 'no contact' you haven't been able to do that either. If I had replied in December I would have told you that you HAVE TO tell DH. Find a way to lovingly tell him what has happened in his marriage. It is the only fair thing on him, and the only way you can actually save your marriage. It also has the positive side effect of bursting the limerence bubble. You didn't do that.

And now you 'find yourself' ("unwillingly! you had no choice!!" ) thinking about him while having sex with DH. Make no bones about it, you are now cheating on your husband. Yes, even though it's only in your head. Because it isn't only in your head, is it? It's in your body and in your bed. It's in DH's bed. It's in your relationship now.

You still can take the right steps and get your marriage back, if that's what you want to do. You describe your DH in glowing terms so it sounds like there is enough love and attraction left to fuel a long and happy marriage. Most couples on their diamond wedding anniversary will have weathered some heavy storms, so face into it now and save your family.

There are two ways to deal with this.

1: muddle through
In this scenario you feel at the mercy of emotions/feelings beyond your control ("all consuming") and go around telling yourself and others that you don't want to feel like this but you just don't know what to do... End up at socials because, hey, it's a work thing so it's legitimate right? And eventually find yourself getting deeper and thinking about him even more, until thoughts of him have pushed your DH out almost entirely and you and DH are in a some shell of a marriage which you have emotionally detached from some months previously, all the time claiming you had no idea what you were doing.
Unfortunately I and other posters on here are telling you exactly what you are, in fact, doing (even though you might kid yourself that you aren't), so you won't be able to tell yourself that lie any more.

2: deal with it.
If you aren't too sure what this entails let me explain.
Avoid any contact with him.
Do not go to socials.
Do not spend any energy finding out if he will be here there in this meeting that meeting so you can find yourself " accidentally" in his presence.
Never ever drink with him. Not even if you are celebrating a work success or failure.
Never discuss your personal life with him.
Never discuss your relationship with DH or his ex-wife or SO at all - this is an act of betrayal.
Never confess your feelings to him. This will take you both down totally the wrong road.
You need to establish openness with DH (windows) and impenetrable boundaries around your exclusive relationship (walls). Yes, even when your relationship is in a slump. Especially then.
Change your role or job at the next opportunity. It might take a year but you can start looking now.
Do not daydream about him. Believe it or not, you can choose not to. Google it and find a method that works for you.
Definitely do not fantasise sexually about him.
Absolutely definitely never fantasise about him while with your DH. This is a heartbreaking betrayal.
TALK TO YOUR DH. If you say to him: you know honey I feel really silly about it but I keep finding myself having these crush feelings on this guy at work and I wish I didn't feel this way but I didn't feel right keeping it a secret from you and I'm telling you because I love you and I want our marriage to be a good one where we are honest with each other even about difficult things. You might be amazed to discover that he loves you SO MUCH that he is willing to be understanding about it. And I promise you this will burst the bubble of your crush and you really won't feel this way again.

Sorry for the rant and sorry if I sound angry. I followed path no 1, it's a complete mess and I only have myself to blame, so if I sound angry it's only cos I'm angry at myself. I hate to see others going down the same path. The pain and suffering that can come out of these situations is beyond comprehension. You have already found out about limerence. For helpful perspective/reality check please also Google " emotional affair" or go to emotionalaffair.org and soon you will have your eyes opened.

Good luck. You sound like deep down you want to do the right thing by your marriage

I do not think you should tell your DH PAT I think this is part of lifes ups and downs. Telling him would throw a bomb in unnecessarily. Morally it could be argued that you should but you could say that about a lot of things. Does this dress make my arse look big? No, it's the enormous amount of fat on your arse that makes your arse look big, not the fault of the dress love! Ouch! Where do you draw the line? Self preservation and all that! At some point in the future you will look at your limerant subject and wonder WTH it was all about. Others have said this occurs. It occurred in my case. I see him now and again and laugh at myself back then. We have nothing in common, we are politically poles apart and I struggle to see what I saw in him. I am convinced it's some weird chemical thing only and totally outside of our control. Whilst in it, it feels real, like a simulator of an aeroplane but you get to step back into the light and realise at some point that it was a bubble and you are out of it. Don't be rash if you know in your heart you love your DH. For all you know DH fantasises about J-Lo or Florence from the Magic Roundabout, during sex? It's all part of the ups and downs of life and marriage IMHO.

You were in a happy marriage before Mr Limerance appeared. Remember that.

From your update you may be depressed. Perhaps you should visit your GP?

Thanks Springy In fact writing that post has made me feel a lot better than I have felt for weeks. Of course, while I am still in the same job there will be ups and downs. Something will come along and 'hit' me, but hopefully it will be temporary. To be honest I think I am coming out the other side. Though I must admit the imagining his bad points isnt really working. I can't really picture anything that bad (but I accept there probably is - Im just not aware of them)

TwoTwentyGowerRoad You're probably right. I wont go into the full story, but I think DH had one 11 years ago when DC1 was a baby. I turned a blind eye to it at the time and in a way Im glad I did. The only thing that concerns me now is another one coming our way in the future.

Most couples on their diamond wedding anniversary will have weathered some heavy storms That is something that has given me strength throughout my situation. Knowing that things will come to test us and its working our way through which will make ours a great marriage.

Now must go and apply for more jobs in the hope that I can get out of my current one and away from my limerence ASAP.

Giraffe are you sure you should leave your job? This may pass and you may be making a mistake by leaving.

Yes, its not a permanent job anyway as they are looking to out source our roles to Asia anyway. Its probably a good idea to go, but I should be careful I dont run to the first job I get if it doesnt feel right.

Also I just had a quick look on FB at something and saw that he liked something. It's still there. I dont think it will truly go until I leave work and then unfriend him. What if there's another works night out? I don't want to have to not go or not drink just in case things get worse again. Plus right now it's easy to feel a bit better, come Monday morning when I pass him or just to know he is in the same room as me, it might be different.