When Will This Horror Show End?

[PatButchersEarrings26]

Have NC'd for this, regular user, always very open with DH and occasionally show him threads on here. However, it would destroy him to read what I'm about to write.

I've read a lot on here about limerence, and infatuation, and a lot has been a little helpful. But I'm posting as much to just get this down because there is nobody in RL I can talk to and I think I am going slowly insane.

I'm a self-employed freelancer, but work loosely with other companies. A few months ago I started working with a new company, and have subsequently developed something that feels more than an intense crush on my main contact person. Obviously, I'm married, with a small child. Before I met him, I would have described myself as very, very happily married, secure, no money worries, both DH and I successful in our fields. Not smug marrieds (or at least I hope not) but frequently referred to amongst our circle as the happiest marriage around. I've had a challenging year professionally, but not what I would consider a tough year. I am wracking my brains to think of what circumstances might have given birth to this insanity, because you usually read - unhappy marriage, money woes, health issues, bla bla bla. I can claim none of these.

Sure, in nearly a decade of marriage, I've admired the odd attractive man and had the odd daydream for a minute or two (usually around ovulation!) but nothing that I would even term a crush.

However, this man has completely taken up residence in my head, my body, whatever and I cannot stop thinking about him. It's painful the way I feel when I stand next to him. Thankfully, I don't have to see him more than once a month. I am totally professional, and keep all correspondence to an absolute minimum and only ever work related. We don't socialise as such. However, he befriended me on FB, but not my DH (who is my business partner) which I found odd, and occasionally posts/messages me non work things. I never keep the conversation going more than is necessary. I am in a quandary over whether to delete him from our social media connections, but I think that would look very weird given that we have minimal interaction as it is.

He is divorced, and single. That's about all I know. I have restrained myself and don't look at his FB page at all. But any correspondence from him, no matter how brief or dry, literally makes me want to collapse with joy. I feel completely ridiculous just writing this.

I cannot sleep. I cannot eat. I have lost a stone in a month. I cannot think. I feel absolutely awful. I have not asked for this. But the way he looks at me makes me want to pass out. I don't think I've ever wanted another human being the way I want this man. It's not even as though he is the most gorgeous man on the planet (although he is handsome I suppose). I've even thought about divorcing my DH and starting over, even before telling this man how I feel. I feel like I'm cheating on my DH and I've never said a word outside of my head until now.

I just want to rewind 6 months and go back to how happy I was before. Some days I just want to run away but I adore my child so much I could never do anything stupid. The worst thing is that I know my DH is wonderful and a total catch and yet now I don't even know if i love him. It is literally killing me. Last night, this man came to an event I organised, but I never got a chance to see him because I was so insanely busy working and the disappointment I felt today has been overwhelming.

Sorry this is so long. I just need a hand to hold, someone who has been through this to tell me it will pass. I'm trying to do all the things I've read about in order to get over limerence. I keep reminding myself that I am a capable, sorted, forty something successful wife and mother and try to shut down thoughts of him, but they come unbidden into my head and will not leave.

If you have been through this, how long did it last? If you managed to get through it and not wreck your life, how did you do it?

But the big question in the back of my head at all times is: What if this man is meant to be in my life? Because it is so overwhelming.

Thank you so much if you read this. I just needed to get this out before my brain exploded.

Ps yes I am going alone first it s my problem at the mo but this may go into couples counselling, I understand the feelings you have reference marriage etc I have questioned a lot about why I got married etc, trouble is my hubby is an amazing man I just don't fancy him and not sure I did hope you are ok

I have been there too OP. Very happily married to DH and after 4 years developed this huge attraction to a slightly younger man at work. It was almost instant and went on a year before it felt under control. I was convinced we were meant for each other and I made much out if little things- glances, smiles,slightly gazy looks, jokes, any shared personal stuff however trivial. I hurt inside physically for him. I remember a Christmas where I was panic stricken at not being able to be part of whatever he was doing, I thought about him almost all of every day for a fortnight.

Looking at it now, I never really thought about leaving DH but I did fantasise about being with this man, I could see us married, thought he would be a great dad. I don't know what I would have done if he had shown more than slightly flirty interest but actually he never did although I was absolutely convinced he desperately wanted to be with me secretly, I was sure about it and almost felt like I was the one controlling it- utter rubbish!

DH and I never really stopped being happy. Our life just continued alongside it. We have an almost one year old Ds now. He is an amazing dad. I love him to bits and I want to be with him always. I see the other man and he now has no interest for me at all. It just gradually faded away and I actually began to be irritated or left cold by the things I had found so attractive.

Don't risk your marriage for this- it is limerance. It will go. It will.

One of the most helpful posts I've read in a long time on MN, am shamefully place marking in order to read again (daily if necessary).

I did all the wrong things when this happened to me. I was nearly 50 and a bit lost in a long marriage to a workaholic with demanding teenagers to run around after. I had a massive attack of limerance for a totally unsuitable MM. He felt the same and we had a short affair. He ended it and I worked really hard to understand why I had broken all my own moral codes and done something so horrible. Eventually in desperation I told my DH (by posting on another forum and he found my thread) and he became really hurt and angry and abusive and drove me away. Two years of counselling helped me understand what the MM was giving me that I needed from longterm unhealed childhood damage. It took three years for the yearning to cease.
We divorced and I lost my beautiful family home and my DC who stayed with their DF. I hurt the man who I had shared my life with and broke my family.
I made stupid mistakes. You could avoid them. Can you afford some counselling for yourself now? It would help you understand what you are doing and why.

Such brave posts here

Cliff

I hope your counselling has taught you enough to forgive yourself, I really do. You've paid a high price xx

I'm going to go against the grain here.
You're stopping yourself from looking at his fb, chatting to him properly etc thus letting your fantasy version of him thrive.
You're not starred crossed lovers.

I don't mean to belittle you - I went through something similar, but the more I got to know the bloke the more I realised my crush on him was based on escapist fantasy and not him at all.

Look at his fb - see his spelling mistakes and cringey jokes, have a chat with him and hear him be normal. Do stuff with your DH that isn't work related, enjoy family time.

I hope it gets better for you.

There is brilliant advice here and some very honest and brave posts. There are two things that I thought, firstly I don't think you marriage is over. Is it worth genuinely spending some time focusing on that? You have started to find fault with your husband which you wouldn't otherwise have done because of this man and that's not fair. Secondly I don't think you know this other guy at all. It is an infatuation, there is sexual chemistry but who actually is he? (Why is he divorced???) Your imagination has given him a personality that you want him to have, that isn't who he actually is. The bravest thing to do is have nothing to do with him at all. If you must be involved in work then your husband should deal with him. Leave him as a figment of your imagination and get your life back.

Think back to when you met your DH. What attracted you to him. What made your pulse race.

It's all there you know just buried beneath a welter of child care, worry, stress, exhaustion.

Read robin skinner and John Cleese ( yes that one ) book, about what we have in the shop window ( all the goodies) when trying to attract a mate.

I would do the opposite with this guy. I would totally indulge the fantasy. You know what it's like when you are trying not to eat cake, chocolate , smoke or drink. It's all you think about. So totally immerse yourself in thoughts of him. Really wallow in it. Imagine being mrs julie browning or whatever his name is. Doodle his name and your name together. Be absolutely stupid about it. Imagine he's beside you when driving or walking to work. Give him a hi Tom when you see him.

Then Take all the mystery away from him. Make him just commonplace. Are you in the loo Tom , hurry up, I'm desperate.

Did you just fart Tom? Gross!

Give him feet of clay. Don't give him the power to excite you. Oh Tom, you've spilled curry on your shirt. Omg what's that stuck on your teeth.

Gawd what you've been eating! Your breath stinks! Garlic? Nice! You've got a stinking cold! Ah right!

Obviously all done out of everyone else's earshot. You are giving him your power and it's time to haul it back.

Nobody is a god or goddess.

Reinvest in your marriage. A good man in the hand is worth two in the bush.

Happened to me too. OM was no gent, a relationship with him was out of the question, it was just raw lust.

It fizzled out and I just feel slightly awkward about it now. Looking back, the idea of losing my family home and having 'access' to my son because of indulging in a few shags looks like a plan based in insanity.

But at the time, I honestly came close. I feel like I should be given a medal for resisting, which is nonsensical. But I'm a strong woman and you are too, you can get through this with your dignity.

What great posts thank you I am staring to wake up to myself a little - another discussion with my hubby has left him broken and I can't see him like that I know I love him just hope the sexual feelings do too. It can invade your head this sort of thing and I feel guilty I have been so distracted from children . Just hope relate helps and I can deal with this crush. Am more hopeful today xx

Me too piechuck
Morriszap know what you mean mine is just pure lust too! I know what you mean about a medal!
topofthecluff thanks for sharing
bupbupbup thanks for your input I think you are right about the escapism

Thank you carcrush.

this happened to me.
it was awful and i was very sick physically and mentally. looking back, i should have gone into a psychiatric ward for 6 months to a year or maybe even two years. i definitely needed to be sectioned. i think that would have helped me recover faster.
it took me 4 years, plus a change of job and country to get over him.
i hope it never happens to me again.

Wow tea feathers. That was quite an extreme reaction or should I say solution.

the change of job and country were not because of him.
they just happened to come along a year after i met him.
i was very grateful for the opportunity to remove myself from everything connected to him. i was an absolute basket case at that point and almost suicidal.
distance is the key, to my mind. and psychiatric help for an extreme case such, as mine.

OP - I had exactly the same experience when I was married. He was someone I was working with occasionally - and I was completely obsessed. My marriage was seen as 'perfect' by all our friends - but deep down, I wasn't happy. And my 'crush' was definitely a symptom of this - even though I hadn't acknowledged it. I went to see a counsellor (not just for this reason) and I worked it through. And my crush vanished (helped by the fact that he turned out to be a complete twunt!). My husband and I eventually divorced - although we are now the best of friends. And - fast forward about 8 years - my crush contacted me saying he wanted to be with me. And do you know what? I couldn't have run away fast enough. Not only did I not want to be with him - but I couldn't actually bear to be near him... What I am trying to say is that any sudden overwhelming feelings for somebody who, usually, you don't actually know at any level - well, they really are usually symptomatic of some underlying frustration/unhappiness. I agree with other posters that you can actually avoid all contact if you really want to - it's tough I know. But it will help you enormously...

Hi OP
I posted earlier in your thread and wrote my own on the subject a little while ago. Just in case it's useful at all, I did something at the weekend which SEEMS (in the short term) to have helped a bit.
I realised that harbouring these guilty thoughts and fantasies was maybe helping to make them feel so big. So... I chose a couple of friends who I really trust and who are not close to DH, and I told them about it. I know it's not for everyone but it has helped. They were amazing and really put into perspective/ reminded me that I haven't actually done anything wrong at this stage.
Sharing has made it all shrink a bit and tbh the object of my affections has seemed a bit more ordinary this week. Wishful thinking? Early days to be jumping to such conclusions? I don't know. It has helped though :)

Life with your dh is as it always was, life with your dh is reality. This other man is consuming every thought you have so you're not focussing on your marriage, no wonder you're questioning it. You've checked out.

This is all fantasy though. You know hardly anything about this other man. You need to focus on you, why you feel this way and start checking back into your marriage.

Actually OP I'm proud of you. You're doing really well, you know yourself, you haven't done anything stupid. You've been strong and you can continue to be strong if your child's happiness is at stake. Yes it might take a year to fizzle out (it certainly won't take ten) but you can wait it out. What are you prepared to go through to safeguard your child?

(I'm assuming there isn't anything fundamentally wrong with marriage here, so staying married and rebuilding relationship with DH is unambiguously the correct thing to do)

It happened to me. It filled the hole in my marriage, it was healing stuff in my childhood I can see that now, I left reality, I was detached.....losing weight, very emotional, questioning everything....in a hell of a mess. Isolated, desperate.

I got bad advice, and thought ending the marriage was the answer. I ruined my life and have rued it ever since. No excuse, only to say all those years ago there wasn't the knowledge/support around, nor the internet information as there is now. I left my husband, a decent enough man, for the wrong reasons, I know we could have worked it out because I never really stopped loving him.

I didn't end up with the person concerned, it would never, ever have been a possibility anyway. I met someone else though....it didn't end well and nor did the rest of my life.

After a while I saw my object of my obsession with coldness, seeing the person as very ordinary, manipulative and not a very nice person anyway. No feelings left whatsoever.

OP I would only suggest taking advice from wise people on here...and it does end. Hold on, do not throw away what you have. Life can backfire massively.

Goodness, I'm so so pleased I posted on here. So much great advice, so many people sharing similar stories that while I hurt for them - knowing as I do the similar agony - it has made me feel less alone and less like I'm going mad, and as a consequence, less likely to do something crazy. Funnily enough, in the last few days I have done what one poster upthread suggested, and confided in two close friends who I know would never judge me. One has had exactly the same thing happen (except theirs was reciprocated) but managed to hold strong and work on their marriage. The other was slightly less helpful as they have just left a long marriage based on falling in love with someone else, so while they were in no position to judge me (nor I them) I have taken their advice with an almighty helping of salt.

Object of limerence (for that is what I shall call him) did send me a rather lovely message the other night at 3AM which blindsided me a bit. It was just kind and very complimentary, and a little flirty (then again, I could be imagining that, I don't trust my judgment here because the lime rent part of me is so keen for signs), BUT riddled with emoticons and as yet another brilliant poster upthread suggested, he can't be that much of a gent if he befriends me on FB but not my DH. I am concentrating hard on how much I hate emoticons. No grown up should be using them. I suspect he'd been at the sherry. That, and the fact that I have no reason to see him for a fortnight should help focus my mind. It's weird in a way; getting that message and realising that the attraction is (quite possibly - again not sure of my judgment) mutual scared me. But it was almost as if his interest (I think) was enough and that's all I wanted. To feel as if someone else finds me attractive. I think it's an ego thing, and one of the brilliant things about this thread is that it's made me really analyse what it is I feel I'm lacking with DH that the object appears to offer.

I also spent last night reading all the emails between DH and I from when we first met, remembering how exciting it was when we first met and why we were so sure we had to be together. I'm not sure that we can bring that burning desire back, I'm not sure we're still in love but I do care deeply about him and respect him and want to make this work, if not for us then at the very least for our child. I just have to figure out how much of the 'meh' I feel about our marriage since the arrival of the object is underlying or caused by this other person - and for how long I can tolerate it. My fear is looking into the future and imagining another ten, twenty years of going through the motions. I just hope once this episode passes my marriage feels good again - I know it won't be the same, because it's a fluid thing and obviously this event has changed something in me - but good enough to not dread the rest of my life with DH.

Thank you so much, I'm so glad I started this thread and that other people who are going through similar are finding it useful.

Dp howled like a wounded animal when he realised just what he'd done and what he was about to lose, when he went through a similar thing you're probably feeling now. Only he took it further, it fizzled out to nothing, I found out. He realised just what he'd done, he'd been all consumed by it, I was put to one side, he must have felt very much like you. It was as if he lived in his own little bubble, immersed by all these feelings he had with me during our younger years. Those feelings never went away though, they got buried for a while, under his selfish ego.

I'm glad to say we worked through the devastation he caused, he really was bereft and has worked harder than ever to put things right, he's actually a different person now.

You're heading into the slippery slope of an emotional, if not, physical affair. Would you be happy for your dh to read all the messages you've been receiving? 3am messages aren't really a good sign, why would this other man be doing this? I think you know the answer.

I found the book 'Just, good friends' by Shirley Glass incredibly helpful during those awful months after finding out. Perhaps this would help you too? Perhaps just venting on here will help you greatly, get some perspective on the way you're feeling. Don't make a huge mistake, one you may regret for the rest of your life.