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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Emergency help needed right now.

161 replies

Soggybananas · 13/12/2015 11:13

My dc 16 has just told me that my dc 18 (who has a 25yo dp) last night asked them if they'd join in a 3some!!!!! It was a serious ask apparently. Dc 16 said 'no way' & is very disturbed. This happened while I was next door having a chat with a neighbour. WTAF?????? My head is screaming. Obvs words are needed. Help me.

OP posts:
differentnameforthis · 13/12/2015 14:32

18yr old is lashing out at you because it feels safe for them to do so. To a degree that you are happy with, let them.

It sounds like there is more under the surface.

I don't think this sounds at all like a joke, your 18yr is way to upset about it.

Keep the lines of communication open & keep reassuring. Make yourself available as much as possible...this isn't the last on this, op.

Good luck

Original poster
Soggybananas · 13/12/2015 14:34

I'm unlikely to see the dp again unless by accident. Not sure what I'd get from it & it may only result in further repercussions on my 18yo. I'm so sorry this happened. How fucking shit.

OP posts:
Auntacid · 13/12/2015 14:39

That's difficult OP but its good-you have opened up communication. I would now go to the "we all make mistakes" line-especially under pressure from other people and "I'm so sorry that I haven't noticed how unhappy you have been, is there anything I can do to help?"

Eighteen is still very young. I'm not keen on the DC1 is an adult, DC2 is a child responses.

Its a horrible thing to have happened, listen but don't let 18 year-old use their distress to avoid taking responsibility.

Devastatedcoconut605 · 13/12/2015 14:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Rosyglow74 · 13/12/2015 14:44

Whilst you are understandably focussed on how to deal with your eighteen year old right now, please remember that the sixteen year old will be going through a myriad of emotions. Thankfully they had the courage to come to you, but will be having some pretty horrible thoughts right now regarding someone they love, and probably looked up to.

I think a helluva lot of talking is needed between you and your two DC's separately, then together. For now, I would be inclined to leave the 25 year out of things, until you have a clearer picture.

You have been put in a horrible situation, but please don't beat yourself up too much. Young people these days are being subjected to things they are often unemotionally equipped to deal with.

loveyoutothemoon · 13/12/2015 14:52

I know it's not right but do you think there's a chance that your 18 year old and the 25 year old just wanted to have a joke but pretend it wasn't a joke? IYSWIM?

Enjolrass · 13/12/2015 14:54

My assumption would be that the 18 year old is being manipulated by the older DP (assuming with op and gone with dp to keep the sex of everyone hidden).

However that does not absolve them. If the 18 year old is telling you things have gone wrong and won't tell you what it is. I think they are lying. Because they are still being manipulated and hoping to get your sympathy to get you back on side.

People who are being abused often try and minimise or lie to get back the status quo.

I think both your children are in danger of ring manipulated by this 25 year old. The 16 year won't have sex with them but the 18 year old will continue to minimise what happened therefore minimising your younger child's feelings.

But if your older child is in an abusive relationship it does not absolve them.

Enjolrass · 13/12/2015 14:56

You say 'they' are blaming you. Do your mean the 18 year old. Or the 18 year old and their dp?

She is lash if out at you because it's safe to do so. She has more chance of getting you to come round and start thinking 'maybe I am being too harsh' than getting her dp to realise this isn't ok.

CapsicumCat · 13/12/2015 15:02

Bip

Incest isn't just perpetrated by men. It can be perpetrated by women too. Please go and look at the legal definition.

However no one in this scenario is underage so entirely irrelevant to the thread.

The more I read this the more concerned I am for you 18 year old. Like a lot of other poster I would be worried that they're being manipulated by the 25 year old. Very worrying.

thequickbrownfox · 13/12/2015 15:15

I would be concerned for the 18 year old as well - keep reassuring them that you love them and want to support them. S/he sounds very distressed... Is there any history of abuse in his or her life already, do you know? It might be something worth very gently exploring if you feel you can, particularly in light of some of what s/he said to you. It sounds to me like there is a lot of hurt and confusion there.

Devastatedcoconut605 · 13/12/2015 15:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

GasLIghtShining · 13/12/2015 15:21

They confessed to me lots has gone wrong for them & I didn't show support but they won't share any further details

Hard to support if details are not forthcoming

Isetan · 13/12/2015 15:23

Personally I wouldn't mention him, if you do, she'll only get defensive and the focus will get shifted to a you vs him/them struggle. Make it a dialogue about boundaries, about her boundaries and trying to solicit a 16 year old (particularly a 16 year with whom she has a position of trust) is overstepping a big one. We don't know the extent of the bf's hand in this but at the end of the day she's the one who solicited her sister, not him and you need to walk her through some of the possible repercussions of her actions.

She maybe be just doing what she's been asked but she's 18 now and ignorance about the personal responsibility that comes with her age but she needs to learn pdq. Don't let her sulks or bravado be a distraction because you do not have the time to waste.

LionHeartedWoman · 13/12/2015 15:25

S/he may have wanted to portray themself as sexually confident and worldly. Hence approaching sibling to ask for a threesome.

I think that your 18 yr old is using this relationship to shore up her self esteem.

The level of self hatred indicates s/he is out of their depth.

Devastatedcoconut605 · 13/12/2015 15:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Suzy4321 · 13/12/2015 15:28

He / she is probably very embarrassed and that comes out in anger.

AnyFucker · 13/12/2015 17:29

OP, bearing in mind that everyone so far on this thread has said that the sexes of the three people involved here are irrelevant as far as the advice/concern goes, why are you still at pains to shield it op ?

Your posts are now stilted and un natural with the conversational acrobatics you are required to perform in order to conceal the truth

I don't get it

mintoil · 13/12/2015 17:39

I think it is because all three are male and OP is concerned the responses will be harsher?

I agree it is irrelevant and a huge worry, whatever the gender of those involved.

I hope you get it all resolved OP.

Coconutty · 13/12/2015 17:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Garlick · 13/12/2015 17:54

I can think of a few reasons to keep quiet about their sex/gender. One would be that DC1 is a boy; another that at least one person is trans/agender/fluid. Either would colour some posters' reactions, most likely unhelpfully. It's not fair to press OP.

AnyFucker · 13/12/2015 17:56

Nope. The coyness just looks wrong.

AnyFucker · 13/12/2015 17:59

The concern for the elder DC being in a manipulative relationship is the same. The worry for the younger DC is the same. The condemnation of the 25 yo is the same.

There is no need for the verbal gymnastics.

BIWI · 13/12/2015 18:00

Even if it was a joke, surely this is a very odd subject to be joking about with a sibling, and a sibling who is so young?

InTheBox · 13/12/2015 18:07

Not really Garlick, if people are willing to countenance a sibling making passes at another sibling then get all worked up about the gender dynamics of those involved then they really wouldn't be posting in the first place.

I'm also a bit Hmm at the conversational acrobatics too. Why disclose something many of us have rightly said is so far out of line as to not even be on the scale, yet play hidden secrets about the genders involved. It is of course the OP's prerogative, however.

dunfightin · 13/12/2015 18:21

I would suggest a more general talk to 18-year-old about why keeping your boundaries and not attempting to please a partner whatever s/he might suggest is going to lead to healthier relationships in the long-term. Perhaps pointing out that she's got a lot more time ahead of her to go out and have relationships, find out what who she is and what she wants and that however much in love she may be at 18, statistically this is not going to be the one she stays with. And also worth pointing out that her relationship with her younger sibling is likely to be enduring and hopefully mutually supportive for a very long time so it's better not to damage that by putting sibling into situation s/he doesn't want.
I'd drip feed gradually over a few days/weeks - show her and talk to her about healthy relationships you both see. It will sink in slowly.
And also reinforce boundaries in your house and explain that when someone has crossed a boundary they are no longer welcome and that's all there is to it.

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