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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Emergency help needed right now.

161 replies

Soggybananas · 13/12/2015 11:13

My dc 16 has just told me that my dc 18 (who has a 25yo dp) last night asked them if they'd join in a 3some!!!!! It was a serious ask apparently. Dc 16 said 'no way' & is very disturbed. This happened while I was next door having a chat with a neighbour. WTAF?????? My head is screaming. Obvs words are needed. Help me.

OP posts:
Iggi999 · 13/12/2015 13:18

Hardly the main point of the thread, but how the hell is the boyfriend (or possibly girlfriend) of an 18 year old who still lives at home, called a partner ? You need to take back some control here and stop worrying about atmospheres or whether you really needed to "have words".

Garlick · 13/12/2015 13:18

There may be some element of emotional abuse - I would say definitely. To ask your partner to proposition their sibling is so far out of order it's off the scale. That s/he actually did it, rather than blowing a gasket and dumping the creep, has to mean they are being controlled.

Garlick · 13/12/2015 13:19

Iggi - because girl/boy/friend is unwieldy?

Iggi999 · 13/12/2015 13:20

Bf/gf - not hard at all.

juneau · 13/12/2015 13:21

Okay, so I'm guessing you have two DDs aged 18 and 16 and that the 25-year-old is a male - right? I'm sure your 18-year-old DD is mortified that her rather sordid and possibly abusive relationship is now out in the open, but OP its good that your eyes have been opened to this. Good for you for handling it so swiftly and firmly and good for your 16-year-old for coming to you immediately - you've raised one DC with very clear boundaries! If it was me though I'd be wondering what other things this older guy has been pushing your 18-year-old to consider/try. Having said that, she's legally an adult, unlike your 16-year-old.

differentnameforthis · 13/12/2015 13:26

bf/dp, who actually cares? It's just letters and doesn't remove the validity of the thread.

I would be worried at what else the 25yr old has 'asked' of the 18yr old...it doesn't sounds like a healthy relationship at all.

cashewnutty · 13/12/2015 13:28

I too am guessing you have 2 DD's age 16 and 18 and the 25yo is male. I think DC1 has been coerced by the older person into requesting this. DC2 is to be commended for flat out refusing to consider it. Joke or no joke this has created a horrible situation for all and you were right to confront DC1. Hopefully it will make her reconsider her relationship and strengthen you all as a family. No crime has been committed but i can imagine you are very shaken by this.

Original poster
Soggybananas · 13/12/2015 13:29

How can I support my 18yo? The more I read your comments the more I understand them being coerced/manipulated but their gut reaction is to lash out & cut me off. Do I just wait some hours & approach again? What do I say? The 18yo & dp have something in common where it is likely their paths will cross again very soon. This had shown me my 18yo is VERY naive.

OP posts:
Jux · 13/12/2015 13:32

Youwere absolutely right in confronting it straight away.

Someone upthread said it wasn't illegal. Is incest not illegal? I thought it was.

It sounds like the dp has had/is having an unhealthy influence on your child. Most would be sensible and reject the notion of a sibling, and ask a friend.

CatMilkMan · 13/12/2015 13:34

I would just be very calm and have a non judgmental talk with your 18 year old, also don't make it obvious that you presume the 25 year old is manipulating her. It really might just be a very stupid joke although I would guess it's the 25 year olds fucked up idea.

AliceInUnderpants · 13/12/2015 13:36

Has the 18yo's dp ever given you any other cause for concern?

thequickbrownfox · 13/12/2015 13:38

I'd also go and have a peaceful word - reassure them you still love them but reacted with shock and horror because it is a horrifying, shocking suggestion that was made to your younger dc. Very gently - you need to find out what's really going on here.

Finola1step · 13/12/2015 13:46

Spot on thequickbrownfox

CrabbyCockwomble · 13/12/2015 13:48

Why are you at such pains to disguise the genders of your DC, soggy?

differentnameforthis · 13/12/2015 13:57

Why are you at such pains to disguise the genders of your DC, soggy? Perhaps op is worried it will make her identifiable?

kitsnicket · 13/12/2015 14:00

@Crabby - I keep wondering that. Wrong to be so curious as the OP has a serious problem, but it makes me wonder if we're all wrong with our (sexist?) assumption that her children are both girls and the DP is a man.

P.S., OP, I think it's right to take a more balanced approach than the people saying "KICK YOUR DC OUT!!" because they're right, it will just encourage them to go to their DP...but please be careful. I think it's possible that this is the sibling's doing although it would be (slightly) less awful if it was the DP behind everything, so you can't discount the possibility that everyone is jumping on that because no-one wants to consider the alternative. I think the DP sounds more likely but you should be careful not to fall into the assumption that "my own child would never do something like that."

Then again, maybe I'm too grossed out. I think such a preposition is close to sexual abuse/harrassment and therefore protecting my 16-yo would be more important to me than treading softly softly around your troubled 18-yo. But everyone else is right that I'm being unreasonable because you also have to ensure the 18-yo doesn't fall deeper into abusive (or maybe criminal...) behaviour with this DP.

CarbonEmittingPenguin · 13/12/2015 14:01

differentnameforthis Hardly likely, she wouldn't be the first person on the land to have any division of genders. It might very well be that all involved are female, or indeed male.

Devastatedcoconut605 · 13/12/2015 14:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Whocansay · 13/12/2015 14:09

Given that your adult child has just stated that they want to have sex with their younger sibling, I would seriously consider asking them to leave the house. I certainly wouldn't leave them alone together. You have got to protect the younger sibling here. And you can't just assume that the sibling has been coerced into doing this. We don't know that.

I can't even imagine how horrific this must be for you, OP.

Freezingwinter · 13/12/2015 14:10

18 is an adult. But still so very young! At 18 I would not have been ready for a relationship with a 25 year old. Maybe just go sit with your 18 year old and have a chat OP? Ask if there's anything he/she needs to tell you, promise not to judge and that you will listen and help?

ImtheChristmasCarcass · 13/12/2015 14:17

I may be way off base, but for one sib to make a request like that of another sib, it sounds to me as if the 18 yr old is in either an abusive or very coercive relationship. Her 'suggestion' had to have come directly from her 'd'p and I wouldn't think that it's a suggestion that wouldn't be abhorrent to someone in a balanced relationship. It sounds like someone who is either afraid of their partner or is afraid of losing them.

For someone to suggest a 'threesome' is one thing (if both partners are 'into it'). To suggest it with an underaged sibling is quite another.

When things calm down, you may want to talk to your 18 yr old and see if she appears either frightened of him or somehow 'under a spell' (for lack of better words).

LionHeartedWoman · 13/12/2015 14:18

The gender of the dc involved is utterly and entirely irrelevant!!

OP, I would have a chat with 25, 18 and 16 yr together re: boundaries, consent and sex.

Then I would watch this 25 yr old like a hawk.

Auntacid · 13/12/2015 14:28

I think you have handled this well OP. Thankfully the 16 year-old has shown themselves to be capable of protecting themselves-so no need to make the 18 year-old vulnerable by asking them to leave.
I would give the 18 year-old some time to calm down and then express concern for them if they were being put under pressure but make it clear that in this instance their behaviour was totally unacceptable. You can't stop them from seeing their bf/gf but this is a situation where you have good reason to make it clear that you think its a very bad idea.

I can't see any reason for involving the police regarding the 25 year-old. The 16 year-old is above the age of consent and refused consent-nothing actually happened. (That isn't to say that this person's behaviour isn't terrible and I wouldn't have them near the house).

Your 16 year-old needs a lot of praise for approaching you and reassurance that they are not the one who has caused the unpleasant atmosphere. If the 18 year-old tries to ruin Christmas I wouldn't engage with them much-just "You know you were out of order and I'm not arguing with you".

Original poster
Soggybananas · 13/12/2015 14:29

Had a longer talk with 18yo. Lots of tears on both sides. They insisted it was a joke, never meant to be taken seriously. I don't believe for a minute they'd have gone through with it. More like a naughty titillating idea with the dp. The 18yo owns their mistake & is devastated at the impact of it & nothing I say seems to lessen their own self-hatred right now. I am worried they might self harm. It has been a terrible error of judgement. Now I've brought it out in the open I am being blamed for 'ruining their happiness'. They are distraught. They confessed to me lots has gone wrong for them & I didn't show support but they won't share any further details. At least I managed a supportive cuddle of sorts after a while. They're lashing out at me - it's my fault Sad

OP posts:
Finola1step · 13/12/2015 14:30

Keep listening to your 18 year old.

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