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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Emergency help needed right now.

161 replies

Soggybananas · 13/12/2015 11:13

My dc 16 has just told me that my dc 18 (who has a 25yo dp) last night asked them if they'd join in a 3some!!!!! It was a serious ask apparently. Dc 16 said 'no way' & is very disturbed. This happened while I was next door having a chat with a neighbour. WTAF?????? My head is screaming. Obvs words are needed. Help me.

OP posts:

BipBippadotta · 13/12/2015 12:21

Capsicum 'incest' may be legally defined as between a male and a female, but sexual relations (coercive or not) between females where at least one is underaged (i.e. a mother and underage daughter or underage sisters) would be considered sexual abuse, which I believe is illegal in this country.

StealthPolarBear · 13/12/2015 12:21

Op what are you going to do.

wheelofapps · 13/12/2015 12:22

Even if it was a 'joke' on the part of your 18 year old he/she needs to grasp how massively inappropriate that is and how much it has disturbed your 16 year old. It IS a disturbing thing to read, even from a distance.

The 25 year old needs to be OUT of the 18 year old's life.
Difficult but I would keep 18 year old at home (horrible or not) until you are sure that will be the case. Don't want 18 yr old running to very dodgy sounding 25 yr old.

So sorry you and your children are going through this vile joke / suggestion's fallout.

DrGoogleWillSeeYouNow · 13/12/2015 12:22

Never mind the dcs, how am I going to pick myself up after this?

Yes never mind the dc's, what about meeeeee.

Given that it took you just a few minutes to have the talk, ascertain the full facts, lay down the law and update the thread, I reckon you should be over it in about another 10 mins.

Dipankrispaneven · 13/12/2015 12:23

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

ImperialBlether · 13/12/2015 12:25

Anchor, I don't think the sex of the person matters in terms of whether they've committed an offence, does it?

thequickbrownfox · 13/12/2015 12:25

Probably just best to report if you are sceptical about the OP - there have been a few threads lately where a number of posters have had to eat humble pie. Sadly these kids of situation do arise and it'd be a shame if people couldn't post here because of the troll hunting.

thequickbrownfox · 13/12/2015 12:27

*kinds

wheelofapps · 13/12/2015 12:27

sorry, didn't mean your 18 yr old is horrible, but that the situation both your children have found themselves in (which I am betting is almost entirely down to the 25 year old) is horrible...

kitsnicket · 13/12/2015 12:28

Two sisters having sex is morally dubious is 'morally dubious' but only a brother and sister having sex is illegal? Come on, that can't be right, can it? (I wish I could turn this green to show how grossed out I am...)

ShebaShimmyShake · 13/12/2015 12:32

The absolute fuck? Serious question, does your 18 year old have any sort of medical condition that might hinder their ability to understand why that is so unacceptable on every imaginable level, and leave them vulnerable to pressure from an older person?

magoria · 13/12/2015 12:37

I just had a Google of incest laws and am bloody shocked at how acceptable it seems to be in some countries.

Finola1step · 13/12/2015 12:42

Your 16 year old was spot on in coming to you. Thank goodness they did.

Your 18 year old has crossed a massive line, joke or no joke. They will feel attacked and will now be on the defensive hence the comments and attitude.

But play this one very, very carefully. If you go in too hard on the 18 year old, their reaction could well be to pack their bags and head straight to the 25 year old.

Play the long game. The key here is that a fully fledged adult is attempting to manipulate both your dc. Keep calm and watch this bastard like a hawk.

Viviennemary · 13/12/2015 12:45

I agree that 25 is too olold for an 1 8 year old and you did the right think in banning them from the house. It all sounds a bit sordid to me and you are right to want to protect your 16 year old from this kind of thing. If it was a serious question and not a joke then I think it's verging on criminal behaviour.

CarbonEmittingPenguin · 13/12/2015 12:46

magoria Yes, and in fact in some countries it's sometimes encouraged. Not necessarily sibling to sibling but for example cousins.

OP, this will have certainly rocked the family dynamic but I don't think you should brush it under the carpet.

LMonkey · 13/12/2015 12:47

Well it sounds to me like you worded it brilliantly fwiw.

But wow you'd really hope that that would never be used as a joke from one sibling to another. I mean what are we coming to? Perhaps I'm just too sensitive.

Clutterbugsmum · 13/12/2015 13:03

I think we can safety assume that the 18 was not joking as their behavior is showing not being sorry for embarrassing their sibling but angry at either being found out or not being able to do what their partner wants.

You need to reinforce with the 18y that this is your house and you can go/do anything you like and if they don't like then they know where the door.

Original poster

Soggybananas · 13/12/2015 13:06

Thanks for the fucking brilliant comment about reporting me as a troll. Very supportive. I haven't read any other incest threads but so what if there's been a few? This is my fucking disaster to live today. I love my dcs, I can't believe this has happened. The dp was very well liked in our house. I was comfortable having them here, until now that is. 18yo pretty distraught. They didn't deny it so are probably feeling like shit now the gravity of the situation has hit home. Hopefully they'll review their relationship with the dp. I can't prevent their meeting off the premises. I can't actually believe my 18yo would go through with it. I'm interested to hear sibling/partner 3somes is a porn thing, I had no idea. Definitely seems like the product of dps fantasy & my gullible dc just didn't think straight. I'm staggered. This will be a massive thing for the 18yo to get over now I've brought it out in the open. I'm really hoping a sharp dose of reality will wake them up & we can move past this. Sadly I think the atmosphere will linger. 18yo in tears upstairs.

OP posts:

Isetan · 13/12/2015 13:07

Firstly, congratulate your 16 year old for having her head screwed on.

Your 18 year old's vileness is her childlike attempt at trying to regain some control over a situation where she has lost control. I would make it very clear to her that this matter is far from over and that you will be having a conversation about boundaries. If she had solicited (and that's what she's done) a random 16 year old and they had told another adult, she could be in some serious shit.

I hope this is an aberration on her part but you should warn her, that your radar is now fully engaged and hair trigger sensitive and her bravado bullshit is no match for it.

Garlick · 13/12/2015 13:09

I agree with Laura that the prevalence of porn is leading young women to think of sexual activities as stuff they have to do 'for' their partner. Some of the studies seem to be showing that neither young women nor men are aware it's supposed to be enjoyable for females!

Also agreed, of course, that the 25-year-old sounds like a piece of work who's managed to get your 18-year-old where they want her/him - and that it's great the younger teen could come to you.

There's a danger of pushing the 18-year-old into "you don't understand, it's real lurve". That one's always hard to handle. Looks like time for some sex ed in your house, OP.

Isetan · 13/12/2015 13:12

Do not let your 18 year use 'an atmosphere' to deflect the seriousness of her behaviour and I hope 'getting past this', isn't code for developing amnesia.

witsender · 13/12/2015 13:13

18 yr old sounds embarrassed. Give time and space, and then another calm chat.

iklboo · 13/12/2015 13:14

Your 18 year old sounds like they're being manipulated. There may be some element of emotional abuse going on by the 25 year old.

Arfarfanarf · 13/12/2015 13:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

differentnameforthis · 13/12/2015 13:18

I think we need to be careful here...lots of posters have been quick to jump on the 18yr old, [name calling, asking of mental health issues & more besides] but we have to remember that s/he may be in a coercive/abusive relationship & that is why s/he is now downplaying it & being defensive/stroppy with mum.

Has anyone considered that s/he is worried about what the fallout with the 25yr will be now mum knows, and 16yr said no?

I mean really...how many 18yr old want to have a sexual encounter with a younger (or older) sibling? To almost everyone it would be completely disgusting! So what pressure is s/he under to have asked their sibling this?

Add to that, that is a massive risk that 16yr old will tell mum!

Perhaps the 18yr old is asking for help for a situation s/he can't control/get out of.

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