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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

commitment phobe?

121 replies

lostinthewoodshelp · 12/12/2015 19:24

help? seeing someone and he sees me one to two times a week and doesn't want to look at me or text me between times?! ignores me, blanks me and then will see me...it's so hard it hurts so bad..what do i do?

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Original poster
lostinthewoodshelp · 12/12/2015 21:28

but i thought he liked me...

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Original poster
lostinthewoodshelp · 12/12/2015 21:29

i'm fuckin sick of this

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Original poster
lostinthewoodshelp · 12/12/2015 21:29

why tell me he thinks i'm great?

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Original poster
lostinthewoodshelp · 12/12/2015 21:30

well, for a few hours anyway?..

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Original poster
lostinthewoodshelp · 12/12/2015 21:32

you're all helping me thank you Flowers

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ScrambledSmegs · 12/12/2015 21:32

But you don't like yourself. He's picking up on that (or picked you for that reason) and is quite happily treating you like shit on his shoes because he knows he can.

Original poster
lostinthewoodshelp · 12/12/2015 21:36

i've never texted him anything bad..never got angry even though i've felt angry..i've tried to support him because he's going through a stressful time..

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Original poster
lostinthewoodshelp · 12/12/2015 21:37

he told me he's busy ..he's stressed..he's going to ask the doctor for a psychiatrist?

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Original poster
lostinthewoodshelp · 12/12/2015 21:38

i said i'm here for him

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Arrowminta · 12/12/2015 21:40

Yes but he knows he can do anything and you will accept any crumbs he throws back to you. Honestly find some self respect and ditch him.

I know it sounds mean but one day you will hardly remember his name and wonder wtf you were thinking but you will get there sooner the soonest you cut him out.

pinkyredrose · 12/12/2015 21:58

Oh ffs what's it going to.take for you to get your head out of the clouds? So you've had grade 10 arseholes before, now you've got a grade 5 arsehole that seems better than the grade 10 one. But he's still an arsehole.

I honestly don't know how you've gone through 8 months of this, I'd have binned him the 1st time he ignored me in public. Forget what he says. Words are easy, anyone can say anything. Actions speak way way louder. This guy doesn't like you let alone love you, his actions make that very clear.

DioneTheDiabolist · 12/12/2015 22:06

OP ask your own GP for a referral to a counsellor who will help you understand why you chose wankers and abusers as boyfriends.

RedRainRocks · 12/12/2015 23:14

Do you two work together?

To be honest, he sounds like a prize plonker. I would kick the cunt to the kerb and get yourself some support and professional help to work on yourself. You need to be there for YOU, before you can be there for someone else and besides...he really isn't worth it. Any line he's spun you is exactly that, a line and he has his hook buried deep in your back. Cut him off and take care of you.

Bogeyface · 13/12/2015 01:05

There is no point to this thread is there?

You are going to continue to beg and plead and be used by him until he stops contacting you completely because he has found someone else who he prefers fucking.

If that ends, or he is bored then he will contact you and you will go running on the basis that he must be great because he doesnt hit you. He will use you for sex and then ignore you again. To be honest, he is probably already fucking someone else, at least one other person, men like him are never faithful.

What you want is for us to tell you that magical thing that you can do that will make him fall in love with you, to treat you right, to want to be with you. We cant do that because he is an abuser and they never change.

What have you done wrong? Nothing. You have been used and had your boundaries fucked up by abusers. You need to get onto the Freedom Program ASAP, it will save you from this shit happening again and again.

ScrambledSmegs · 13/12/2015 08:51

OP do you have children?

Original poster
lostinthewoodshelp · 13/12/2015 09:24

yes, two

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WhatALoadOfOldBollocks · 13/12/2015 16:03

"why tell me he thinks i'm great?"
"well, for a few hours anyway?"

Because he does just enough to get balls deep into you, that's why. He does not give a shit about you or your feelings by the sound of it. All you are to him is a prostitute that doesn't charge. Seriously, you'd probably get more respect from a loser like him if next time he asked to see you you said "Sure. My fees are £150 per hour", because at least then you'd have the power not him. You're not in a relationship with him, you're not even friends with benefits because he doesn't treat you like a friend. You are his booty call, that's all, his little obedient doormat who he can use whenever he wants with minimal effort.

"he told me he's busy ..he's stressed..he's going to ask the doctor for a psychiatrist?"
"i said i'm here for him"

Fuck me, this is so cringeworthy that it's obvious you're so very damaged because anyone with an ounce of self esteem would've dumped him the minute he acted like a twat. He has you wrapped around his little finger doesn't he. Why are you loyal to someone who doesn't give a shit about you?! As others have said, just because he's not as bad as your exes it doesn't mean he's good for you.

ImperialBlether · 13/12/2015 16:08

Can you be honest with us and tell us whether you ever see him without having sex with him? It sounds to me as though he's completely using you.

Original poster
lostinthewoodshelp · 13/12/2015 16:24

Thanks for the help everyone Flowers, i keep reading this thread so i won't text him. Imperial i think we've had sex every time i've seen him.

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Original poster
lostinthewoodshelp · 13/12/2015 16:44

in fact there might have been one time when we didn't. But he only sees me once maybe twice a week

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pinkyredrose · 13/12/2015 17:15

What would he do/say if you didn't want sex?

Original poster
lostinthewoodshelp · 13/12/2015 17:21

i don't know

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Original poster
lostinthewoodshelp · 13/12/2015 17:24

Why doesn't he text me and tell me it's over? I could try and get on with life then instead of constantly thinking about him and wondering if he's going to see me or if he's going to text me. This is what i can't understand. Surely he could just say that's it, end of story, over?

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ThreeRuddyTubs · 13/12/2015 17:35

I'm in a similar situation to you I think. I was going to start a FWB arrangement but have slept with him once and now he doesn't reply to texts and treated me like an acquaintance at the work party. Doesn't flirt with me in person or through text and says he's busy when I try to invite myself round his house.

Coming to the realisation he is a user and yours is even more so. Does he make you feel respected, attractive, important? Or does it feel like he's looking for somewhere to put his dick and doesn't much care who it's with?

Original poster
lostinthewoodshelp · 13/12/2015 17:50

He is really kind and sweet when we're together. Again that's why i can't understand why he does the no contact thing.

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