Just need a rant and some support about my abusive ex, and Xmas, and everything

[Namechanger2015]

I am just full of worry, and anxious, and ready to cry, distracted all of the time, and I could really do with some supportive words, or home-truths, whatever it is I need to snap out of this.

There is of course a massive back-story, I left my ExH in January after he strangled/punched me in front of our 3 young children last year. It seems very dramatic and over the top, and a bit Eastenders-like to say that, but it is what it is. I am super middle-class, well educated, nice house, lovely holidays etc, we were married for 9 years, he was very controlling, verbally abusive, and financially abusive too. Physically abusive once many years ago. This was the second time.

I have stepped out of that world and I am now a single parent, the one who people feel like they need to help out, and who is wondering how I got into this situation.

ExH has come out of this all relatively unscathed. He lives in our marital home, and has rental income from other properties, and also from DD2s bedroom, which he has rented out to a lodger.

I am 41, and I live with my parents. My 3 children and I share my childhood bedroom.

I have £300 left in my account till the New Year, I work hard, I don't really earn enough to support us, and haven't yet paid my daughter's nursery bill for this month.

ExH hasn't paid anything towards the DDs, and is also evading/stalling the divorce as best he can, until I finally managed to serve him divorce papers via a private server last weekend. I have been trying since May to serve these.

He sees the children very erratically. This time round he hasn't seen them since the October half term, when DD2 (aged 6) slept on the floor for 5 nights because her bedroom is rented out. The lodger then looked after the DDs whilst ExH went to play football.

He won't make plans to see them, he alludes to possible plans in his once-weekly calls to the kids, but then does not solidify these plans at all. If challenged or questioned by the children, his default answer is 'Well I want to see you every weekend, I am always ready to see you, but you have gymnastics (Saturdays, 12-1pm), and you are always busy so I can't'

DD2 had an op in early Nov, fairly major (general anaesthetic and resulting in life-long implications). He didn't come to see her for the op, and hasn't seen her since then either. He called her before the op, but not after.

When he does see the DDs, he will tell them how his town/city is so much better than where they live now, that mummy doesn't do enough for the children, and is selfish for having left him.

At Xmas time, his work company shuts for 2 weeks over Xmas, so he is off work whether he wants to be or not. It is also his dad's birthday over the Xmas hols and we are fully expected to be there as a family every year. I never once spent Xmas day with my family, and didn't usually see my parents at all over the Xmas hols.

Last week he text me to ask which week of the Xmas hols he is having them.

Considering he hasn't seen them since Oct, when he left them to sleep on the floor and for lodger to watch them, hasn't shown any interest in DD2s operation or recovery (bar a few 'how is she?' texts during the op), and hasn't paid a penny towards their clothes, food, anything, I feel really annoyed about the assumption that I will parent them fully, but then he can have them for half of the hols and I can't enjoy Xmas with them. If I say yes, I have no idea if he will take them back to the marital house (where lodger is), or to his parents house, where he leaves them with his parents and does nothing with them, and they hate going).

When they go see him they come back very upset every single time - to the extent that I ended up taking DD1 to the GP for further support and she was crying every day for a week following a visit to him. She now has a family support worker assigned to her, as well as support at school, as she becomes very emotional, sad and withdrawn after her visits to him. He fills her with emotional blackmail crap, and slags me off to her which she finds difficult to deal with. He also won't let them phone me, and does not pick up the phone if I call to speak to them. Last time I waited 3 days for him to pick up the phone to me.

I have a solicitor who says I am legally within my rights to stop him seeing them at Xmas, based on his past behaviour. I am not stopping him seeing them ever, and I don't ever stop them from speaking to him anytime he calls, eldest also has her own Kindle and he can email them at any time (but he doesn't).

I have explained via the solicitor that I would like 4 weeks notice period, which is reasonable as he usually sees them on average once every 6 weekends, and so I would like notice instead of his usual 1-2 days notice which is really unsettling for the children.

I feel very unreasonable doing this to the children. They say they want to see him, yet when he calls them they say they don't want to speak to him.

This week he has called DD3s nursery saying he would like updates on her progress - this is 9 months after she started going there. He has text me today asking what they want for Xmas - this is very unusual, as he has never got them anything for Xmas ever, and didn't buy them birthday presents this year either.

My gut feeling is that, as he has finally been served with divorce papers, he is finally playing the role of doting dad. So if I stop him seeing them at Xmas he will be worse and will tell his solicitors I am blocking access. Also the children 'want' to see him and then come home upset. The school welfare office also said she doesn't think it's a good idea for the DDs to spend Xmas with him, as they have seen first hand how upset the DDs are on return, and how difficult it is for them to get themselves feeling normal again afterwards.

I have posted about this/my exH behaviour before, so some of this might be familiar. Apologies if so. I keep churning it all around in my head, my friends and family are great, but must be getting sick of me talking about the same thing whenever I see them. Yet however much I say it doesn't seem to help or resolve anything. I am getting obsessive and nasty thinking about it all of the time.

Am I being unfair about Xmas? How can I snap myself out of this massive anxiety?

One conversation that sticks in my mind was this:

ExH never lets DDs visit their old friends when they are with him for the weekend. As its quite far it's the only time they can ever see them but he has not once arranged a visit. He will say:

'If you spend time with your friends then you are not spending time with me'

'You have to start thinking about how you want to spend your time. With your friends or with me'

'Well do you know their addresses? If not then you can't go'. (DDs said: mum knows the address you can ask her. He doesn't ask).

DDs are now resigned to this and accept that he will not let them see their friends. I did take them to the house one weekend in the summer, they stayed with him and I stayed at a friends and I arranged loads of catch ups with their friends. They loved it. I told them I will try to plan another one so they can meet other friends or same ones again.

DD1 said 'mum, I know you are trying to help us feel better but you don't have to do everything'

So on some level she must be able to see that I am trying to help and ExH is just being ExH. But perhaps I need to be more direct.

Wannabe you are right I need to tell them things even though they will be hurt but it's really hard when they cry or are visibly upset. I need to grow some balls too.

BTW I called the Land Registry again today and what they said is in agreement with the barrister. I can't apply charges to properties unless they are in my name. Will investigate further.

I think you need to realise/understand it's okay for them to be sad or upset - they are "normal" to be grieving at missing their friends, miss their home etc. and it's okay for them to see you sad too. It's an important part of life learning that you can have these overwhelming strong feelings and that the come and then over time they pass and we gain resilience.

I think they have a much better measure of your STBXH than you are giving them credit for tbh.

"You know Daddy has 3 houses, one he has sold to Grandad very cheaply but I don't know why he wouldn't let us have marital home and him the other but we'll get a new house one day and make it just as lovely"

I think your barrister has tried to register a notice against the house not a matrimonial homes notice.

Google matrimonial homes notice - form hr1 I think. Fill it in and send it off

As long as you are married, lived at that house you are entitled to register it

Answer with the truth. Ask them what they think. So when Daddy says Mummy has done X or Y, you say "So what do you think?" My DDs always saw through their Dad, when faced with this question, they would say, "We know you don't lie, and we know that Daddy does so....."

The truth isn't always easy to hear, but it is very important and empowering to hear and know that it is the truth. How can your kids possibly understand what is going on if you never tell them. It just makes them feel powerless.

I filled in the HR1 (Application for registration of a notice of home rights) -however, I didn't live in the flat (barrister said its worth a shot anyway as it may delay proceedings).

He purchased the flat 5 days before our wedding (told me he bought it a year or so later with his brother), and he had rental income from this throughout our marriage (which I had zero access to).This application is currently in progress.

However exH is in the process of selling the flat, and his application takes precedence, so all other notices on the property are put on hold for 30 days, whilst the sale completes.

So my application is essentially too late. Also Land registry said my notice would not stop a sale anyway, it was more of a notification.

The second property is another house he bought around 7-8 years before our wedding - this was bought my him for him and his first wife to live in. When they split up, he kept the house, and again had rental income throughout our marriage which I could not access.

I put in a unilateral notice against this but was told this is not in accordance with Practice Guide 19 on the phone today. So will look at that again and re-apply.

For the house I live(d) in, he would never sell that house, he loves it as he did all the diy to his spec and taste. However, I think he may now be renting a 3rd room in the house - how can I find out? I can't yet access his bank accounts (but hopefully financial hearing will give me access to these), but I suspect a third room is rented.

The truth isn't always easy to hear, but it is very important and empowering to hear and know that it is the truth. How can your kids possibly understand what is going on if you never tell them. It just makes them feel powerless.

You are right about this, and it's how I felt during our marriage, as I never heard the full truth about anything, just the edited bits he deigned to share.

I will have to be more upfront with them regarding him, but try to keep it neutral and fact based. I did that today when we were randomly discussing the laptop he bought me for my significant birthday (I needed one for work).

They said 'daddy must have spent a lot of money buying that for you'. I said 'no, he bought me one that had already been used before, so it wasn't so expensive' I explained that people don't pay so much for things if they have already been used.'

They accepted it without argument.

When you are looking into the FOG there is an interesting and rather frightening article about the risk for children of narcissist men. They are far more likely to have problems, as they don't know what healthy relationships look and feel like.

DD1's father has a strong pull over her, but we have talked about this, read the article together etc. Your kids need to know that this is not normal behaviour in a man. Obviously this is for the future, but it should be something you get to eventually.

My shrink advised me to show my DDs what other men were like - to have other male role models in their lives. Actually it turned out to be good for me too, as my view of men had also become totally warped.

I do not mean I have had a string of boyfriends, but we have had loads of helpers, male and female staying with us, sometimes for up to 2 years at a time, often couples, and we have witnessed different relationships, where men treat women well. I was very single for 6 years, which was probably too long, as DD1 isn't so keen on sharing me.

I am really lucky that the girls do have lots of positive role models - my dad is a great male figure for them, as are my brothers and cousins, all are very considerate men, and have lots of time and attention for the girls (as do the women in my family).

I think it will take them a long while to get their heads around their dad's behaviours, it took me nearly ten years to see him for what he was, so as a child I can only imagine their confusion.

I am hoping the Xmas hols go smoothly - barrister will tell him no visits over Xmas, and we will start out a contact schedule in the new year. Court date is in place and so he will have to start facing his responsibilities at some point.