Just need a rant and some support about my abusive ex, and Xmas, and everything

[Namechanger2015]

I am just full of worry, and anxious, and ready to cry, distracted all of the time, and I could really do with some supportive words, or home-truths, whatever it is I need to snap out of this.

There is of course a massive back-story, I left my ExH in January after he strangled/punched me in front of our 3 young children last year. It seems very dramatic and over the top, and a bit Eastenders-like to say that, but it is what it is. I am super middle-class, well educated, nice house, lovely holidays etc, we were married for 9 years, he was very controlling, verbally abusive, and financially abusive too. Physically abusive once many years ago. This was the second time.

I have stepped out of that world and I am now a single parent, the one who people feel like they need to help out, and who is wondering how I got into this situation.

ExH has come out of this all relatively unscathed. He lives in our marital home, and has rental income from other properties, and also from DD2s bedroom, which he has rented out to a lodger.

I am 41, and I live with my parents. My 3 children and I share my childhood bedroom.

I have £300 left in my account till the New Year, I work hard, I don't really earn enough to support us, and haven't yet paid my daughter's nursery bill for this month.

ExH hasn't paid anything towards the DDs, and is also evading/stalling the divorce as best he can, until I finally managed to serve him divorce papers via a private server last weekend. I have been trying since May to serve these.

He sees the children very erratically. This time round he hasn't seen them since the October half term, when DD2 (aged 6) slept on the floor for 5 nights because her bedroom is rented out. The lodger then looked after the DDs whilst ExH went to play football.

He won't make plans to see them, he alludes to possible plans in his once-weekly calls to the kids, but then does not solidify these plans at all. If challenged or questioned by the children, his default answer is 'Well I want to see you every weekend, I am always ready to see you, but you have gymnastics (Saturdays, 12-1pm), and you are always busy so I can't'

DD2 had an op in early Nov, fairly major (general anaesthetic and resulting in life-long implications). He didn't come to see her for the op, and hasn't seen her since then either. He called her before the op, but not after.

When he does see the DDs, he will tell them how his town/city is so much better than where they live now, that mummy doesn't do enough for the children, and is selfish for having left him.

At Xmas time, his work company shuts for 2 weeks over Xmas, so he is off work whether he wants to be or not. It is also his dad's birthday over the Xmas hols and we are fully expected to be there as a family every year. I never once spent Xmas day with my family, and didn't usually see my parents at all over the Xmas hols.

Last week he text me to ask which week of the Xmas hols he is having them.

Considering he hasn't seen them since Oct, when he left them to sleep on the floor and for lodger to watch them, hasn't shown any interest in DD2s operation or recovery (bar a few 'how is she?' texts during the op), and hasn't paid a penny towards their clothes, food, anything, I feel really annoyed about the assumption that I will parent them fully, but then he can have them for half of the hols and I can't enjoy Xmas with them. If I say yes, I have no idea if he will take them back to the marital house (where lodger is), or to his parents house, where he leaves them with his parents and does nothing with them, and they hate going).

When they go see him they come back very upset every single time - to the extent that I ended up taking DD1 to the GP for further support and she was crying every day for a week following a visit to him. She now has a family support worker assigned to her, as well as support at school, as she becomes very emotional, sad and withdrawn after her visits to him. He fills her with emotional blackmail crap, and slags me off to her which she finds difficult to deal with. He also won't let them phone me, and does not pick up the phone if I call to speak to them. Last time I waited 3 days for him to pick up the phone to me.

I have a solicitor who says I am legally within my rights to stop him seeing them at Xmas, based on his past behaviour. I am not stopping him seeing them ever, and I don't ever stop them from speaking to him anytime he calls, eldest also has her own Kindle and he can email them at any time (but he doesn't).

I have explained via the solicitor that I would like 4 weeks notice period, which is reasonable as he usually sees them on average once every 6 weekends, and so I would like notice instead of his usual 1-2 days notice which is really unsettling for the children.

I feel very unreasonable doing this to the children. They say they want to see him, yet when he calls them they say they don't want to speak to him.

This week he has called DD3s nursery saying he would like updates on her progress - this is 9 months after she started going there. He has text me today asking what they want for Xmas - this is very unusual, as he has never got them anything for Xmas ever, and didn't buy them birthday presents this year either.

My gut feeling is that, as he has finally been served with divorce papers, he is finally playing the role of doting dad. So if I stop him seeing them at Xmas he will be worse and will tell his solicitors I am blocking access. Also the children 'want' to see him and then come home upset. The school welfare office also said she doesn't think it's a good idea for the DDs to spend Xmas with him, as they have seen first hand how upset the DDs are on return, and how difficult it is for them to get themselves feeling normal again afterwards.

I have posted about this/my exH behaviour before, so some of this might be familiar. Apologies if so. I keep churning it all around in my head, my friends and family are great, but must be getting sick of me talking about the same thing whenever I see them. Yet however much I say it doesn't seem to help or resolve anything. I am getting obsessive and nasty thinking about it all of the time.

Am I being unfair about Xmas? How can I snap myself out of this massive anxiety?

I think given the distance that an overnight visit is preferable, just based on them having to spend 3hrs in the car in one day otherwise. Not so bad for your eldest, but a big ask for the youngest.

However, there's nothing to stop you saying to him, "I've blocked out the weekends of 19-20 Dec, 2-3 Jan, 16-17 Jan, etc etc every 2 weeks, for you to see them. On other weekends they will be unavailable as they will have activities."

Now we all know that he won't see them for even one weekend a month, unless he gets to use it to jerk you around, control you and punish you. However, you have given him the dates, and he has chosen not to use them. There is nothing more that any judge will require.

So when you arrange their activities, yes that means you have to leave every other weekend clear. However most kids whose parents have separated need to do this. It's not unusual and EOW is a very common contact arrangement. It's a pain in the arse since you know he won't turn up for most of them, so you don't tell your girls that he's coming, you just do stuff ad hoc when he doesn't.

That is what I'd do.

Regarding the maintenance: how long can you manage to support your family without it? Because you know this is going to drag on for possibly years. Is it worth sacrificing significant immediate monthly income for the sake of that £12k in back payments?

However, there's nothing to stop you saying to him, "I've blocked out the weekends of 19-20 Dec, 2-3 Jan, 16-17 Jan, etc etc every 2 weeks, for you to see them. On other weekends they will be unavailable as they will have activities."

I did this over summer hols and he simply won't not respond to my messages. I even sent him a text saying 'this is the fourth time I am asking you about xx date. Can you confirm' and he ignore until the week before the date.

I agree pocket but he's the one who needs to do the 3 he round trip not the DC. He could pick them up at 10, go to soft play, out for lunch, to the park etc and drop them home for 4. I used to drive 2 hours to visit my granny for tea so I'm sure he can drive 1.5 hrs to see his kids

So when you arrange their activities, yes that means you have to leave every other weekend clear. However most kids whose parents have separated need to do this. It's not unusual and EOW is a very common contact arrangement. It's a pain in the arse since you know he won't turn up for most of them, so you don't tell your girls that he's coming, you just do stuff ad hoc when he doesn't.

I really, really don't want to do this. I lived like this for 9 years, kids plans were always cancelled or tentative arrangements based on what H was being like that day or if he decided we are doing something else - on Friday mornings he won't go to work and text me to say we are staying with his parents that weekend (4h away) and I need to pack and be ready for 6pm.

I just can't live like that again. I want our lives back.

agree pocket but he's the one who needs to do the 3 he round trip not the DC. He could pick them up at 10, go to soft play, out for lunch, to the park etc and drop them home for 4. I used to drive 2 hours to visit my granny for tea so I'm sure he can drive 1.5 hrs to see his kids envy

His cousin loves 15 mins from me and his parents live 45 mins from me. MY cousins even offered up their house for contact, they live 5 mins away. They have since retracted the offer seeing what a shut he is being, but he has options.

Provide a list of dates the DC are available for contact, state there must be X weeks prior notice otherwise you will assume he does not wish to have them on the given dates. No need to remind or chase him but the deadline passes and he's not confirmed then write back cancelling the contact date. He'll soon get the idea but at the moment he still has all the power

Should add - my cousins retracted the offer after a few months. He did used to take DDs to their house but cousins were basically pissed off because he sat on his arse and watched to, didn't take them anywhere and then didn't contribute financially despite staying every weekend. Took the piss basically.

Provide a list of dates the DC are available for contact, state there must be X weeks prior notice otherwise you will assume he does not wish to have them on the given dates. No need to remind or chase him but the deadline passes and he's not confirmed then write back cancelling the contact date. He'll soon get the idea but at the moment he still has all the power

Yes this sounds like the kind of thing I need. Was honking maybe he can have them last weeks of every month (which is more than he does now), but I need it confirmed with four weeks notice.

He has to tell me where he is taking them and agree to my pick up and drop off times. Which he deliberately disobeys at the moment - bring them home at 8/830 on a Sunday when I requested before 7pm because they have school on Monday.

Hey Name, glad you are posting again, it's so easy to get lost in the fog.

I agree with everyone else, DDs' best interests would not be served by week-long Christmas contact.

I think you need to pull on some bullet-proof pants and do some things that feel awkward and alien to you because you are not comfortable with it. Take control - you've tried to lay down ground rules which is good, but since he's ignored them without consequences it hasn't been enough. I know it feels uncomfortable dictating to him, and 'mean' if you ate 'preventing' him from seeing his kids but that's how he wants you to feel. Once you get used to doing it you will feel more comfortable and less anxious about doing it.

My advice is as others have said - set out a reasonable schedule via the solicitor (including expected maintenance payments). Tell him he needs to reply to confirm this due to previous unreliability, and that any changes will need to agreed x amount of time in advance. And stick to this - if he doesn't reply he doesn't see them. Also set out a call schedule with a new number (one just for him, and don't have the phone switched on at other times). Change your existing number.

Oh, and I would tell the nursery not to speak to him, he can demand updates from school but nursery is privately paid for by you so nothing to do with him. If he wants updates he asks you.

The only way to protect the girls from him messing them about, and protect yourself from the anxiety, is to stand firm. You tell him what's going to be happening. And that's that.

Provide a list of dates the DC are available for contact, state there must be X weeks prior notice otherwise you will assume he does not wish to have them on the given dates. No need to remind or chase him but the deadline passes and he's not confirmed then write back cancelling the contact date. He'll soon get the idea but at the moment he still has all the power

Yes this sounds like the kind of thing I need. Was honking maybe he can have them last weeks of every month (which is more than he does now), but I need it confirmed with four weeks notice.

I like this idea, but check with your solicitor whether it is advisable. I don't know whether having to confirm dates a month in advance is reasonable in the eyes of the law.

is there anyway you have rights to move back into the marital home and have him removed? He is violent and abusive but you have a right to live in the marital home even if you have moved out. - it would be foolish of him to stop paying the mortgage. he obviously has other income and you don't!
As for courts taking a dim view on him being stopped from seeing them - get the support of your school welfare officer and maybe social services - they have a dim view of abusive parents! They may not be able to stop him seeing them but may be able to set up supervised visits so his behaviour and what he is saying to them can be monitored! He is obviously manipulative so although you may think he would never physically hurt them what he could say could be very damaging and the effects he has had on them by having to witness the abuse is very hard to undo.
phone a helpline for abused women - they will have expert knowledge and advice for you and may be able to give information about services that you are unaware of.
Very best wishes

Hey Name, glad you are posting again, it's so easy to get lost in the fog.

Yes this is definitely me being back in the fog

I thought I was better than this and stronger. Clearly messed up boundaries but I will sort this.

I'm going out tonight with some single mums I met online. Looking forward to being a normal person for an evening!

Have a good time, sounds like just what you need :)

set out a reasonable schedule via the solicitor (including expected maintenance payments). Tell him he needs to reply to confirm this due to previous unreliability have tried this - the solicitor has written and emailed him numerous times and warned him that courts take a dim view etc. No response and no money.

He is self employed and so will be paying himself minimum wage to get out of this I'm sure. Another reason I want to go via solicitor/courts and not csa as I have read csa are not very powerful in these circumstances and can only ask him to disclose whereas court will order it.

Hi OP,

I understand what it is like to be totally messed around and confused and to have fucked up boundaries, and the abuse my XH inflicted is nothing like what you have been through.

I agree with the idea of putting everything through your solicitor. Dates, times for access, and how much money for maintenance and child support he should be paying. All that.

How do you feel about your solicitor? Are they hard as nails and experienced in handling extremely hostile, obstructive and abusive exes? If so, carry on. If not, consider getting someone who is. I liked my solicitor a lot, she was very experienced but it was clear after we finally achieved the divorce (3 whole fucking years after I first served papers)... that she hadn't anticipated his level of shit. She said 'He was very extreme'. In retrospect, I should have hired someone for whom that level of 'extreme' was relatively normal.

So legally, go straight to court. Do not pussyfoot around trying to find an amicable settlement. He will fuck around and make it impossible for you. He needs a judge to tell him exactly what for, as soon as possible. You know what you are dealing with, make sure your solicitor knows as well.

Re: child access. Do as others have advised. Set out a calendar on a spreadsheet and outline the weekends he can have the children, with the proviso that you need two months' notice for any changes. This puts the ball in his court. You totally have the high-ground, do not bend over any more to suit his stupid idea of what being a father means. Fuck him. He is making them miserable, and he is getting to you. Result, for him.

No need for me to tell you that he is being a total arsehole, he has no intention of NOT being a total arsehole and the more madness he can inflict on you, the happier he will be. He should be paying money for the upkeep of your children - your solicitor should be all over him like a rash! What's going on there? And if he has suspciously sold a property within the family to hide assets - well that's basics - any forensic accountant or even a 10 year old, would see through that. So would a judge.

And whatever a judge thinks of you witholding children or not, what will s/he think about him kicking them out of the family home and contributing not one iota towards their upkeep? It's not hard to see what is going on here.

The other aspect of this all is the financial abuse. We are both self employed and clients paid into our business account. He would not give me login details for this and did not add my name to the bank account. He paid me £800/month to stay under tax threshold and occasionally dividends ranging from £5-10k. He kept the rest of my earnings. He used them to finance all sorts of deals which he did in his name only. He also bought himself a £45k sports car with the money.

Solicitor is actually a barrister advising me, I'm doing all of the solicitors/paperwork side myself to save costs.

Barrister thinks he is extreme as well, and has 17 years experience. I don't think he was expecting this level of stonewalling but is starting to get the measure of him. We have a court date for a first hearing next Feb - I have acknowledged receipt and ExH has not sent back the ancknowledgement form. So he is still stalling them.

He automatically reacts against any rules places on him and is just doing it all out of spite. Having a £500/month tenant in his daughters room whilst not paying us a penny is just vile in my opinion.

I hope the judges will be fair with this. I am totally paranoid that he has a grand scheme playing out and will totally screw us over.

It's been one year already I hope things will start moving once we have court dates in motion.

Well done OP. Let the court do the justice. He really thinks he's above the law. He has another think coming. What a turd.

Really, I know you are feeling 'guilt' about the children and that's why you are flexing too far over child access - but you have absolutely no need to feel guilt towards him. This is a man who wants to destroy you. There is no need to feel any responsibility towards him. You are right to feel protective of your children. Of course he wants to totally screw you over, but the courts won't let him. He's stuffed. And I'm sure they will want him to pay you everything he owes you as well - that has probably mounted up.

February is not far away. I'm sure you will be bricking it nearer the time, but really, this will be a day of reckoning for you as HE WILL NOT BE ALLOWED TO GET AWAY with his shit! They will recognise him for what he is i.e total misogynist, abusive tosser.

I am with redannie.... Instead of focusing on what he Hasn't Paid move forward and claim with the csa now. You need some money now. He hasn't responded to the numerous letters etc so try a new tact. There is nothing to say the back pay can't be brought up in court but come on?....

The contact I would do what's been suggested. Put forward a schedule Nd give him 48 hours to reply with any tweaks. Then leave the twat be. If he wants to ignore you then so be it. Don't reply to messages he is not your friend.

Failing that take a hit out on him.

set out a reasonable schedule via the solicitor (including expected maintenance payments). Tell him he needs to reply to confirm this due to previous unreliability have tried this - the solicitor has written and emailed him numerous times and warned him that courts take a dim view etc. No response and no money.

Then the initial solicitor's letter should make it clear that without his response and agreement the contact schedule cannot go ahead, as without a proper schedule the girls are getting messed around and contact cannot go ahead on that basis. So contact is suspended until he responds. You have to force him into the shape of things you want it to be. If he hates having rules imposed on him - tough. It's not about him. It's about the girls, and the girls are suffering due to his actions. But unless there are consequences (ie contact suspended altogether) then he will continue on his current path of not caring and doing what he likes.

I will say though that you must gird your loins for this being an ongoing battle. He's not going to suddenly become reasonable so you need to take over and say 'if you wont be reasonable, you don't get to play'. And stick to this If you can't see yourself being like that towards him, what about trying to channel someone else who is ballsy and forthright - fake it till you make it. Think about a strong woman you admire and try to be her in your dealings with FW. Not comparable I know but when I go on online dating and have to face up to the many many FWs, I channel River Song from Doctor Who - she's feisty, straight-talking and don't take no shit! It helps. It really does. You can do this. Just keep posting, that really helps as well.

My advice for flakes is as others have said, no response means no contact. You have to let me know by Monday if you will be down for your weekend, or else we will be busy (always have stuff booked that can be cancelled).

Nobody else seems to have mentioned this but his saying the them "jt is your fault i can't see you because you do gym" is emotional abuse, but maybe that was mentioned in the previous thread.

CMS operates very differently from old CSA and trust me we have as many legal powers (or in many cases more ) as any solicitors.

RedAnnie, I had no idea this was the case, from my idle online googling I thought they were pretty powerless to force him to pay. I think I need to go down this route as its been a year without payment.

Can I ask how you seize his accounts - is it by going directly to banks/some higher power, and not by relying on his disclosure? He really thinks he can get one over on me/us and I am 100% certain he will hide or sell anything and everything he can. If there is a way to seize his accounts without his cooperation then yes I think that is what i will do next.

The other thing I was holding out for was because I was asking for £1,200/month £100 per child per week) and CMS calculator states £750/month (approx). I recognise my figure may have been too high realistically but wanted a chance to get something for the DDs.

But now I will go for whatever we can get.

There is nothing to say the back pay can't be brought up in court but come on?....

This is so obvious. But I didn't even think of it. I can fight for back payments in court and just get something started now. The thought that he is bringing in £1000+ In rent each month and giving DDs nothing is nuts.

IMHO I think you should look for a different solicitor as at best he has his facts wrong and at worst is telling you incorrect info to try and get you to hang on and ramp your legal bills up

I am hoping he just has his facts wrong - but the person I spoke to at the CMS told me the same thing - that payment would not be backdated and would only start from when I start the claim? Or have I misunderstood?

I suppose it's irrelevant as I need to pursue this now and then claim backdated payments later. I just want it all done and over with but not without a decent home and stability for the kids.

If his intention is to keep being a rubbish and abusive dad then it would be easier for DDs if he just left them and let them live.

You posters are awesome. So, so thankful for the advice and support I get on here. I need some big girl pants and I need to get out of the crazy fog.