Just need a rant and some support about my abusive ex, and Xmas, and everything

[Namechanger2015]

I am just full of worry, and anxious, and ready to cry, distracted all of the time, and I could really do with some supportive words, or home-truths, whatever it is I need to snap out of this.

There is of course a massive back-story, I left my ExH in January after he strangled/punched me in front of our 3 young children last year. It seems very dramatic and over the top, and a bit Eastenders-like to say that, but it is what it is. I am super middle-class, well educated, nice house, lovely holidays etc, we were married for 9 years, he was very controlling, verbally abusive, and financially abusive too. Physically abusive once many years ago. This was the second time.

I have stepped out of that world and I am now a single parent, the one who people feel like they need to help out, and who is wondering how I got into this situation.

ExH has come out of this all relatively unscathed. He lives in our marital home, and has rental income from other properties, and also from DD2s bedroom, which he has rented out to a lodger.

I am 41, and I live with my parents. My 3 children and I share my childhood bedroom.

I have £300 left in my account till the New Year, I work hard, I don't really earn enough to support us, and haven't yet paid my daughter's nursery bill for this month.

ExH hasn't paid anything towards the DDs, and is also evading/stalling the divorce as best he can, until I finally managed to serve him divorce papers via a private server last weekend. I have been trying since May to serve these.

He sees the children very erratically. This time round he hasn't seen them since the October half term, when DD2 (aged 6) slept on the floor for 5 nights because her bedroom is rented out. The lodger then looked after the DDs whilst ExH went to play football.

He won't make plans to see them, he alludes to possible plans in his once-weekly calls to the kids, but then does not solidify these plans at all. If challenged or questioned by the children, his default answer is 'Well I want to see you every weekend, I am always ready to see you, but you have gymnastics (Saturdays, 12-1pm), and you are always busy so I can't'

DD2 had an op in early Nov, fairly major (general anaesthetic and resulting in life-long implications). He didn't come to see her for the op, and hasn't seen her since then either. He called her before the op, but not after.

When he does see the DDs, he will tell them how his town/city is so much better than where they live now, that mummy doesn't do enough for the children, and is selfish for having left him.

At Xmas time, his work company shuts for 2 weeks over Xmas, so he is off work whether he wants to be or not. It is also his dad's birthday over the Xmas hols and we are fully expected to be there as a family every year. I never once spent Xmas day with my family, and didn't usually see my parents at all over the Xmas hols.

Last week he text me to ask which week of the Xmas hols he is having them.

Considering he hasn't seen them since Oct, when he left them to sleep on the floor and for lodger to watch them, hasn't shown any interest in DD2s operation or recovery (bar a few 'how is she?' texts during the op), and hasn't paid a penny towards their clothes, food, anything, I feel really annoyed about the assumption that I will parent them fully, but then he can have them for half of the hols and I can't enjoy Xmas with them. If I say yes, I have no idea if he will take them back to the marital house (where lodger is), or to his parents house, where he leaves them with his parents and does nothing with them, and they hate going).

When they go see him they come back very upset every single time - to the extent that I ended up taking DD1 to the GP for further support and she was crying every day for a week following a visit to him. She now has a family support worker assigned to her, as well as support at school, as she becomes very emotional, sad and withdrawn after her visits to him. He fills her with emotional blackmail crap, and slags me off to her which she finds difficult to deal with. He also won't let them phone me, and does not pick up the phone if I call to speak to them. Last time I waited 3 days for him to pick up the phone to me.

I have a solicitor who says I am legally within my rights to stop him seeing them at Xmas, based on his past behaviour. I am not stopping him seeing them ever, and I don't ever stop them from speaking to him anytime he calls, eldest also has her own Kindle and he can email them at any time (but he doesn't).

I have explained via the solicitor that I would like 4 weeks notice period, which is reasonable as he usually sees them on average once every 6 weekends, and so I would like notice instead of his usual 1-2 days notice which is really unsettling for the children.

I feel very unreasonable doing this to the children. They say they want to see him, yet when he calls them they say they don't want to speak to him.

This week he has called DD3s nursery saying he would like updates on her progress - this is 9 months after she started going there. He has text me today asking what they want for Xmas - this is very unusual, as he has never got them anything for Xmas ever, and didn't buy them birthday presents this year either.

My gut feeling is that, as he has finally been served with divorce papers, he is finally playing the role of doting dad. So if I stop him seeing them at Xmas he will be worse and will tell his solicitors I am blocking access. Also the children 'want' to see him and then come home upset. The school welfare office also said she doesn't think it's a good idea for the DDs to spend Xmas with him, as they have seen first hand how upset the DDs are on return, and how difficult it is for them to get themselves feeling normal again afterwards.

I have posted about this/my exH behaviour before, so some of this might be familiar. Apologies if so. I keep churning it all around in my head, my friends and family are great, but must be getting sick of me talking about the same thing whenever I see them. Yet however much I say it doesn't seem to help or resolve anything. I am getting obsessive and nasty thinking about it all of the time.

Am I being unfair about Xmas? How can I snap myself out of this massive anxiety?

[Namechanger2015]

I am really lucky that the girls do have lots of positive role models - my dad is a great male figure for them, as are my brothers and cousins, all are very considerate men, and have lots of time and attention for the girls (as do the women in my family).

I think it will take them a long while to get their heads around their dad's behaviours, it took me nearly ten years to see him for what he was, so as a child I can only imagine their confusion.

I am hoping the Xmas hols go smoothly - barrister will tell him no visits over Xmas, and we will start out a contact schedule in the new year. Court date is in place and so he will have to start facing his responsibilities at some point.

[wallywobbles]

When you are looking into the FOG there is an interesting and rather frightening article about the risk for children of narcissist men. They are far more likely to have problems, as they don't know what healthy relationships look and feel like.

DD1's father has a strong pull over her, but we have talked about this, read the article together etc. Your kids need to know that this is not normal behaviour in a man. Obviously this is for the future, but it should be something you get to eventually.

My shrink advised me to show my DDs what other men were like - to have other male role models in their lives. Actually it turned out to be good for me too, as my view of men had also become totally warped.

I do not mean I have had a string of boyfriends, but we have had loads of helpers, male and female staying with us, sometimes for up to 2 years at a time, often couples, and we have witnessed different relationships, where men treat women well. I was very single for 6 years, which was probably too long, as DD1 isn't so keen on sharing me.

[Namechanger2015]

The truth isn't always easy to hear, but it is very important and empowering to hear and know that it is the truth. How can your kids possibly understand what is going on if you never tell them. It just makes them feel powerless.

You are right about this, and it's how I felt during our marriage, as I never heard the full truth about anything, just the edited bits he deigned to share.

I will have to be more upfront with them regarding him, but try to keep it neutral and fact based. I did that today when we were randomly discussing the laptop he bought me for my significant birthday (I needed one for work).

They said 'daddy must have spent a lot of money buying that for you'. I said 'no, he bought me one that had already been used before, so it wasn't so expensive' I explained that people don't pay so much for things if they have already been used.'

They accepted it without argument.

[Namechanger2015]

I filled in the HR1 (Application for registration of a notice of home rights) -however, I didn't live in the flat (barrister said its worth a shot anyway as it may delay proceedings).

He purchased the flat 5 days before our wedding (told me he bought it a year or so later with his brother), and he had rental income from this throughout our marriage (which I had zero access to).This application is currently in progress.

However exH is in the process of selling the flat, and his application takes precedence, so all other notices on the property are put on hold for 30 days, whilst the sale completes.

So my application is essentially too late. Also Land registry said my notice would not stop a sale anyway, it was more of a notification.

The second property is another house he bought around 7-8 years before our wedding - this was bought my him for him and his first wife to live in. When they split up, he kept the house, and again had rental income throughout our marriage which I could not access.

I put in a unilateral notice against this but was told this is not in accordance with Practice Guide 19 on the phone today. So will look at that again and re-apply.

For the house I live(d) in, he would never sell that house, he loves it as he did all the diy to his spec and taste. However, I think he may now be renting a 3rd room in the house - how can I find out? I can't yet access his bank accounts (but hopefully financial hearing will give me access to these), but I suspect a third room is rented.

[wallywobbles]

Answer with the truth. Ask them what they think. So when Daddy says Mummy has done X or Y, you say "So what do you think?" My DDs always saw through their Dad, when faced with this question, they would say, "We know you don't lie, and we know that Daddy does so....."

The truth isn't always easy to hear, but it is very important and empowering to hear and know that it is the truth. How can your kids possibly understand what is going on if you never tell them. It just makes them feel powerless.

[Racmactac]

I think your barrister has tried to register a notice against the house not a matrimonial homes notice.

Google matrimonial homes notice - form hr1 I think. Fill it in and send it off

As long as you are married, lived at that house you are entitled to register it

[RandomMess]

"You know Daddy has 3 houses, one he has sold to Grandad very cheaply but I don't know why he wouldn't let us have marital home and him the other but we'll get a new house one day and make it just as lovely"

[RandomMess]

I think you need to realise/understand it's okay for them to be sad or upset - they are "normal" to be grieving at missing their friends, miss their home etc. and it's okay for them to see you sad too. It's an important part of life learning that you can have these overwhelming strong feelings and that the come and then over time they pass and we gain resilience.

I think they have a much better measure of your STBXH than you are giving them credit for tbh.

[Namechanger2015]

BTW I called the Land Registry again today and what they said is in agreement with the barrister. I can't apply charges to properties unless they are in my name. Will investigate further.

[Namechanger2015]

Wannabe you are right I need to tell them things even though they will be hurt but it's really hard when they cry or are visibly upset. I need to grow some balls too.

[Namechanger2015]

One conversation that sticks in my mind was this:

ExH never lets DDs visit their old friends when they are with him for the weekend. As its quite far it's the only time they can ever see them but he has not once arranged a visit. He will say:

'If you spend time with your friends then you are not spending time with me'

'You have to start thinking about how you want to spend your time. With your friends or with me'

'Well do you know their addresses? If not then you can't go'. (DDs said: mum knows the address you can ask her. He doesn't ask).

DDs are now resigned to this and accept that he will not let them see their friends. I did take them to the house one weekend in the summer, they stayed with him and I stayed at a friends and I arranged loads of catch ups with their friends. They loved it. I told them I will try to plan another one so they can meet other friends or same ones again.

DD1 said 'mum, I know you are trying to help us feel better but you don't have to do everything'

So on some level she must be able to see that I am trying to help and ExH is just being ExH. But perhaps I need to be more direct.

[wannabestressfree]

The thing is you can't agree to everything just to make them feel better. Some things will hurt and that's just fact....
They haven't grown up in it they are still little. They have a hand in the next step and its something I would be organising when maintenance is sorted. You don't have to have council accomodation and you could start looking. It would help them move forward.

[Namechanger2015]

The house conversation is the biggie at the moment. They don't want the family house to be sold as they love it and grew up in it, so I am always wary of how to respond to that question. But I will use your tips and tell them we have to sell the house and I loved it too, but the next house will be just as lovely.

When he told DDs that he should not have to pick them up and drop them home and mummy should be doing some of it too, DDs came home and told me just that. I said I could pick them up if it made them feel better but it doesn't matter really who drives the 1.5h then I would arrange with dad and the grown ups can decide.

I didn't want to say - I am doing everything for you, and the least he could do is pick you up and drop you off for visits.

[petalsandstars]

I'd tell them something age appropriate like ^^ If he's bad mouthing you anyway they need to hear the truth from you. I don't mean slag him off but if he is saying mummy could come back here with you all and you could have your own house and your own room again but she won't so I'm so lonely here all by myself so I've had to have my friend move in to keep me company......etc etc. Then you need to be giving them the truth - we had to leave because daddy hit me and so we're living with granny for a little while. We'll get our own house when daddy shares the money that he's not given mummy yet , you mustn't keep things that are not yours as you will get into trouble.
KOKO

[Jux]

"When the old house is sold, we will be able to buy one for us to live in"
"Daddy said he would sell it, but he hasn't yet"

No pejoratives, just facts. You don't know why he hasn't sold it yet (OK you know damn well why but it's just supposition so you don't actually know, so you won't be lying to them when they ask). They will probably ask him themselves then.

[RandomMess]

TBH you tell them the truth in an age appropriate way.

"Daddy hasn't agreed to give me have the house so I can buy us a new one yet?"

"If Daddy says unkind things about me, it's okay to feel sad and cross about it, perhaps telling those things to x (support worker/counsellor) would help you feel better?"

or

"Why do you think we can't live in our old house?"


"Why do you think Daddy has said that about me?" Sometimes letting the DC come to their own conclusions is valuable as it gives them the ability to pitch it at something they can cope with whether it's the truth or not.

When you start asking them what they think and they say that can't happen e.g. all living together again then it's a Powerful thing to give them their dreams "yes it would be lovely if things were different and Daddy hadn't hit me and we could all still be together" - that acknowledges their sad feelings and confirms that what happened was not okay.

[JustMeAndHim]

A solicitor cannot advise someone to be dishonest / hide assets. It doesn't matter what they think of him or his character. Their overriding duty is to the court.

[Namechanger2015]

It would be advisable to find someone qualified to whom your kids can talk. This has been the hardest part for us. We have finally found someone with the correct qualification who the girls like to talk to. Otherwise we are very lucky in that our GP is trained (but not qualified) in CBT, so my DDs see her for double appointments when they feel they need to. It took us a very long time to find a workable solution though.

They have a family support worker and a school counsellor in place, but generally don't say much to them. They are happy on a dad to day basis, must get severely messed up when they see him, and then they don't want to talk to anyone.

I have tried GP, CAHMS and then CAF referral which is how we ended up with family support worker. I want someone to be able to just lay it on the line, explain what he is doing and that it is unacceptable and unkind.

But it can't be me saying it, as they then feel like they have to take sides.

DD1 in particular finds it hard when her dad slags me off, and says she feels like she has to protect me.

You should be seeing someone who also helps you have steel balls MN is really, really helping me with this at the moment. I did a course of 21 counselling sessions and am currently looking into more specialist DV help.

[Namechanger2015]

Your job is to protect your kids as best you can, which means giving them the tools to see through the FOG that your ex is raining down on them. They need the tools to cope/survive. I would get rid of your daughters email address or block his email address. He doesn't need the power that it affords him.

How do I do this without slagging him off to them?

For instance, DD1 is finding it very hard that we don't have our own house and her own room yet; she loved her room in our old house, and is getting to the age where she likes some privacy.

(currently we are all sharing the one room, although DD2 sleeps in the box room, her stuff is still in our room as well so she hangs out in there with us)

Everytime I buy anything -they will quiz me and ask me how much everything costs. Example - I bough them lunch in Ikea yesterday - super cheap, I can't remember the last time we ate out, and so I thought I would treat them.

DD2 - how much is that meal?
Me - £2.50
DD2 - 'but if we buy that then we can't afford a house'.
Me - we will get a house, don't worry, it will take some time but it will happen, I am working and saving us money, etc.
DD2 - 'well why can't we live in our old house then?'

I do want to equip them to understand what is going on - the FOG is always there for me, and I don't want them to passively accept it.

But what can I say? "Dad has the house, but he doesn't want to sell it and I have asked him for money but he won't give us any?"

I don't want them to feel shit about themselves or when they see him. I don't want to put thoughts in their heads, but am I going about this wrong?

[wallywobbles]

I'm not in the UK, so my advice may not be right. That said, I'm in France and things are definitely more difficult here. It seems to me that there are 2 or 3 issues here and they need to be taken separately.

1 is the divorce
2 is the finances
3 is the kids access agreement

In terms of the kids, which is the area I have experience of, I would say the following:

The GOLDEN RULE is that you have to be above reproach.

You are playing the long game. It might not be the perfect result after your first court visit. But do not assume that the first will be the last. (We have been on 5 separate occasions over 8 years - and I know sooner or later there will be another).

The game continues until the kids are old enough to make their own choices. Mine got to choose not to see him anymore or only in a contact centre last year aged 8 & 9. They were awarded their own lawyer and saw the family judge individually with only their lawyer present. (I have no idea how this works in the UK).

Your job is to protect your kids as best you can, which means giving them the tools to see through the FOG that your ex is raining down on them. They need the tools to cope/survive. I would get rid of your daughters email address or block his email address. He doesn't need the power that it affords him.

You do not need to cover up his shittyness. Do not treat your kids as stupid, even the littles. My DDs are more knowledgeable about legal issues than is desirable, and their specialist subject is narcissism, but in all other ways they are 10 and 11 years olds. Our relationship is pretty amazing because I do not hide stuff from them, so they know that I will always tell them the truth.

It would be advisable to find someone qualified to whom your kids can talk. This has been the hardest part for us. We have finally found someone with the correct qualification who the girls like to talk to. Otherwise we are very lucky in that our GP is trained (but not qualified) in CBT, so my DDs see her for double appointments when they feel they need to. It took us a very long time to find a workable solution though.

You should be seeing someone who also helps you have steel balls.

I would think that the best for your children if they must continue to see him would be in an access centre. With his history of violence it would seem utterly reasonable to request this. Is this violence on record anywhere?

Keep a detailed diary of non/contact. Write a time line for the judge, lawyer, barrister etc. Showing contact/events in the most visually effective fashion - eg the non contact following surgery.

Here contact would likely to be awarded on the basis of the real contact. And as a parent this is what you would argue in court. (But again I have no idea if this is the case in the UK).

You have a duty to make your children available for contact every whatever (here it would be every other weekend and half the holidays). The visiting parent does not legally have to take the kids. If after an hour your ex hasn't turned up then that visit is terminated and you can get on with whatever you are doing.

Sorry this is mammoth, but you need to treat the whole thing like a military exercise. Remove yourself from the target range.

[Namechanger2015]

Sorry, I keep using the terms interchangeably. I have a direct access barrister, and do not have a solicitor.

[Racmactac]

I still don't understand why you need a barrister on direct access and a solicitor. Pay one or the other and I would suggest the solicitor as your barrister hasn't even been able to register a notice against the former home.

A solicitor would never ever tell a client to hide assets or do something illegal, they would never risk their jobs for a client. Particularly not a very nice client!

[Stormtreader]

"The schools welfare officer has stated in writing that she must advise that they don't stay with x over the holiday period, so on that basis they will be staying with me over Christmas. Your visiting days are 1,2 3 if you wish to see them before then."

[Jux]

Things are moving on I see. Good. You sound a little more sure of yourself too. Just keep telling yourself that you're fighting for your children's rights and your own, and NOT HIS! Actually, he has no right to see his children, they have the right to a relationship with him but that's very different.

I think any solicitor encouraging their client to hide assets would be struck off, no longer allowed to practice. I used to know a chap who was a criminal barrister, defence. He said he could defend any client (and he was pretty successful) unless they told him they were guilty and then he would have to drop the case. I'm pretty sure solicitors are much the same.

[Namechanger2015]

Please be very aware do not make contact arrangements dependent on receiving maintenance. DC are not pay per view.

Keep discussions regarding contact separate from discussions regarding maintenance. The courts take a dim view of someone linking the two. The contact is about the dc right to a relationship with the non-resident parent.

Thanks for pointing that out - I can see on paper it does look very bad. I won't go down that road, I will let him see them as per an arrangement.

Am wondering if his sol can push for the every other weekend and half of the holidays arrangement, and if I need to prepare for that to happen.

He won't see them that often based on his track record but will probably push for it so he then has power/access to them when he decides, and not when I decide.

I'm glad things are finally happening anyway.