Just need a rant and some support about my abusive ex, and Xmas, and everything

[Namechanger2015]

I am just full of worry, and anxious, and ready to cry, distracted all of the time, and I could really do with some supportive words, or home-truths, whatever it is I need to snap out of this.

There is of course a massive back-story, I left my ExH in January after he strangled/punched me in front of our 3 young children last year. It seems very dramatic and over the top, and a bit Eastenders-like to say that, but it is what it is. I am super middle-class, well educated, nice house, lovely holidays etc, we were married for 9 years, he was very controlling, verbally abusive, and financially abusive too. Physically abusive once many years ago. This was the second time.

I have stepped out of that world and I am now a single parent, the one who people feel like they need to help out, and who is wondering how I got into this situation.

ExH has come out of this all relatively unscathed. He lives in our marital home, and has rental income from other properties, and also from DD2s bedroom, which he has rented out to a lodger.

I am 41, and I live with my parents. My 3 children and I share my childhood bedroom.

I have £300 left in my account till the New Year, I work hard, I don't really earn enough to support us, and haven't yet paid my daughter's nursery bill for this month.

ExH hasn't paid anything towards the DDs, and is also evading/stalling the divorce as best he can, until I finally managed to serve him divorce papers via a private server last weekend. I have been trying since May to serve these.

He sees the children very erratically. This time round he hasn't seen them since the October half term, when DD2 (aged 6) slept on the floor for 5 nights because her bedroom is rented out. The lodger then looked after the DDs whilst ExH went to play football.

He won't make plans to see them, he alludes to possible plans in his once-weekly calls to the kids, but then does not solidify these plans at all. If challenged or questioned by the children, his default answer is 'Well I want to see you every weekend, I am always ready to see you, but you have gymnastics (Saturdays, 12-1pm), and you are always busy so I can't'

DD2 had an op in early Nov, fairly major (general anaesthetic and resulting in life-long implications). He didn't come to see her for the op, and hasn't seen her since then either. He called her before the op, but not after.

When he does see the DDs, he will tell them how his town/city is so much better than where they live now, that mummy doesn't do enough for the children, and is selfish for having left him.

At Xmas time, his work company shuts for 2 weeks over Xmas, so he is off work whether he wants to be or not. It is also his dad's birthday over the Xmas hols and we are fully expected to be there as a family every year. I never once spent Xmas day with my family, and didn't usually see my parents at all over the Xmas hols.

Last week he text me to ask which week of the Xmas hols he is having them.

Considering he hasn't seen them since Oct, when he left them to sleep on the floor and for lodger to watch them, hasn't shown any interest in DD2s operation or recovery (bar a few 'how is she?' texts during the op), and hasn't paid a penny towards their clothes, food, anything, I feel really annoyed about the assumption that I will parent them fully, but then he can have them for half of the hols and I can't enjoy Xmas with them. If I say yes, I have no idea if he will take them back to the marital house (where lodger is), or to his parents house, where he leaves them with his parents and does nothing with them, and they hate going).

When they go see him they come back very upset every single time - to the extent that I ended up taking DD1 to the GP for further support and she was crying every day for a week following a visit to him. She now has a family support worker assigned to her, as well as support at school, as she becomes very emotional, sad and withdrawn after her visits to him. He fills her with emotional blackmail crap, and slags me off to her which she finds difficult to deal with. He also won't let them phone me, and does not pick up the phone if I call to speak to them. Last time I waited 3 days for him to pick up the phone to me.

I have a solicitor who says I am legally within my rights to stop him seeing them at Xmas, based on his past behaviour. I am not stopping him seeing them ever, and I don't ever stop them from speaking to him anytime he calls, eldest also has her own Kindle and he can email them at any time (but he doesn't).

I have explained via the solicitor that I would like 4 weeks notice period, which is reasonable as he usually sees them on average once every 6 weekends, and so I would like notice instead of his usual 1-2 days notice which is really unsettling for the children.

I feel very unreasonable doing this to the children. They say they want to see him, yet when he calls them they say they don't want to speak to him.

This week he has called DD3s nursery saying he would like updates on her progress - this is 9 months after she started going there. He has text me today asking what they want for Xmas - this is very unusual, as he has never got them anything for Xmas ever, and didn't buy them birthday presents this year either.

My gut feeling is that, as he has finally been served with divorce papers, he is finally playing the role of doting dad. So if I stop him seeing them at Xmas he will be worse and will tell his solicitors I am blocking access. Also the children 'want' to see him and then come home upset. The school welfare office also said she doesn't think it's a good idea for the DDs to spend Xmas with him, as they have seen first hand how upset the DDs are on return, and how difficult it is for them to get themselves feeling normal again afterwards.

I have posted about this/my exH behaviour before, so some of this might be familiar. Apologies if so. I keep churning it all around in my head, my friends and family are great, but must be getting sick of me talking about the same thing whenever I see them. Yet however much I say it doesn't seem to help or resolve anything. I am getting obsessive and nasty thinking about it all of the time.

Am I being unfair about Xmas? How can I snap myself out of this massive anxiety?

I previously met with a family law solicitors who have in house forensics too. The sol was really nice and said they can advise and I can do all the paperwork chasing and still in essence be representing myself but with their input. They are £315/h so I really can't afford to have them doing multiple hours of work for me. But I will book in one hours paid appt so I have some more advice on this. I want child contact to be sorted.

Also I completed form E which details all financials, and have all supporting documents.

I sent to barrister a month or so back and wanted to go through it all with him but now I'm not so sure this is the best person for it.

Might go to sol to check it's all looking reasonable. Don't know how deeply it will get scrutinised and how much more detail might be needed. It's 100% honest and accurate as I can be, so I have no worries. His will be a disaster I am sure and so I want to make sure mine is flawless for court.

Ok, I am doing this. I am rubbish with finance and legal stuff so I need to find a new brain in this somewhere!

I'm sorry but I don't understand why you have a barrister doing this stuff for you? You don't see. To have had good advice so far
And at £315 ph I suggest you find somewhere else.
Where in the country are you

I'm in London. Firm is experienced family law firm with a good reputation (Marilyn Stowe)

Barrister is a Direct-Access Barrister, so is specifically set up to work in this way.

H received divorce papers, and a request for child maintenance payments, request for him to explain why he is disposing of assets etc last weekend and was told to respond via email in 7 days. Also was told to contact barrister for conditions re access to children.

I spoke with B just now, and exH has not contacted him at all, so we are now outside the agreed timeframe. I am going to refuse ExH's called until he speaks with B. B thinks this is totally the right thing to do.

So since we have now served the papers, I think exH's next move is (again) to just stonewall the situation and not respond to any letters/requests we send.

As you have all been saying, he is clearly feeding off this situation and is enjoying holding the power at the moment.

Court have requested that we exchange Form E on Jan 22nd - B is then going to issue penal notice and freezing order if he doesn't comply.

I am strangely calm now that this feels a bit more like a tick-list of actions for me rather than an emotional hell. For now, anyway.

My gut feeling is that barrister is ok, and he has my back in this all, but sometimes a bit inefficient. I did tell him I am considering speaking to a sol for an additional POV, he was fine with that and said it's totally up to me, but the reality is that the situation already feels quite complex, and I will have to be very good and concise at bringing sol up to speed. Which I will do.

Good job its the Xmas hols soon, this buys me time to do stuff.

This man is very invested in controlling you, its been his hobby for a decade. He abused you in multiple ways, and he is still trying to demonstrate in every possible way that you can't control him, he is the boss of you. For men like this it is absolutely not unknown for contact with children to be one of their favourite means of continuing to bully and control their mother. Your ex has demonstrated multiply that he does not care about the impact of his actions on his children, he is not interested in their wellbeing, they are just a very useful means by which he gets to keep contact with you and continue exerting his control.

This business of demanding contact, refusing to confirm or agree dates and wanting it on demand or cancelled as he feels like - is all about controlling you. Dates, set times, that to him feels like you telling him what to do, and he wants you to do what he wants when he wants it, on his whim, to confirm his power. He is not interested in what this does to his children, that's not relevant to him. What he wants is all that matters.

He is not at any time going to be reasonable.

So put that to one side. As pps have said, you need to get the solicitor to put in writing set offered dates for contact, with a deadline by which he will confirm. And the solicitor needs to specify that this is because the children are unsettled by these sudden arrangements and need predictability and routine, please see professional advice (aka not because you're feeling like being a cow). If he does not confirm by the deadline you and the girls will make other plans, since the girls need to know what they will be doing in advance. You may well find he would rather threaten, complain and be dramatic about being kept from his children than actually go to the trouble of seeing them if that involves agreeing terms with you rather than dictating them, but that is his problem. A court will need to see that you have done your best to set up contact with him and you have offered regularly. It is then his problem as to whether or not he takes it. Not being seen to refuse contact does not mean you have to agree with every single request he makes whether it's right for the children or not.

A week at Christmas in the current circumstances is completely unreasonable and you have written records of advice from professionals that this is not in the girls' interests. Get the solicitor to explain that he needs to take some time to settle them into a regular contact routine and once that is established you are happy to start building on that and planning longer stays. And for the time being I would ensure all emails he sends to them go to your box and are read by you first, so you can edit or 'lose' any that are stealth attacks.

He has finally replied to the sol this morning - first contact made with him, ever.

H has a new email address, which is odd. He said he will be seeking legal advice, and is willing to enter into voluntary negotiations (which I am not willing to do without full financial disclosure).

And said he would like to see the children over Xmas, and would like me to discuss and agree these arrangements fairly before the hols begin (i.e. before Saturday).

We have genuine plans for most of the hols. After a whole school term of not seeing them, I am not about to hand them over for the holidays. I am going to decline this on the basis of not enough notice, and will tell him the contact schedule is the last Sunday of each month, after he starts making child maintenance payments into my account.

Sol said he will get back to him, and we should also use this time to discuss finances and property as well!

But you are all right, he is using this to control the situation via the kids. Not really interested in settling anything else.

Out of interest, what do you think a sol would advise him to do?

Would they hint/encourage him to hide assets and pay less than he should etc, or will they tell him he needs to support the children and divide assets fairly?

Am putting on my bullet-proof pants and challenging my inner hard-ass self...

Please be very aware do not make contact arrangements dependent on receiving maintenance. DC are not pay per view.

Keep discussions regarding contact separate from discussions regarding maintenance. The courts take a dim view of someone linking the two. The contact is about the dc right to a relationship with the non-resident parent.

Just reiterate that the DC will be available for contact on the last Sunday in each calendar month between 10am-4pm. Remember if he is more than say 10 minutes late just go out with the DC and tell them it seems Daddy hasn't shown up.

No negotiations, no discussions very much "This is in the DCs best interests for the time being" and do not get side tracked, email only.

Please be very aware do not make contact arrangements dependent on receiving maintenance. DC are not pay per view.

Keep discussions regarding contact separate from discussions regarding maintenance. The courts take a dim view of someone linking the two. The contact is about the dc right to a relationship with the non-resident parent.

Thanks for pointing that out - I can see on paper it does look very bad. I won't go down that road, I will let him see them as per an arrangement.

Am wondering if his sol can push for the every other weekend and half of the holidays arrangement, and if I need to prepare for that to happen.

He won't see them that often based on his track record but will probably push for it so he then has power/access to them when he decides, and not when I decide.

I'm glad things are finally happening anyway.

Things are moving on I see. Good. You sound a little more sure of yourself too. Just keep telling yourself that you're fighting for your children's rights and your own, and NOT HIS! Actually, he has no right to see his children, they have the right to a relationship with him but that's very different.

I think any solicitor encouraging their client to hide assets would be struck off, no longer allowed to practice. I used to know a chap who was a criminal barrister, defence. He said he could defend any client (and he was pretty successful) unless they told him they were guilty and then he would have to drop the case. I'm pretty sure solicitors are much the same.

"The schools welfare officer has stated in writing that she must advise that they don't stay with x over the holiday period, so on that basis they will be staying with me over Christmas. Your visiting days are 1,2 3 if you wish to see them before then."

I still don't understand why you need a barrister on direct access and a solicitor. Pay one or the other and I would suggest the solicitor as your barrister hasn't even been able to register a notice against the former home.

A solicitor would never ever tell a client to hide assets or do something illegal, they would never risk their jobs for a client. Particularly not a very nice client!

Sorry, I keep using the terms interchangeably. I have a direct access barrister, and do not have a solicitor.

I'm not in the UK, so my advice may not be right. That said, I'm in France and things are definitely more difficult here. It seems to me that there are 2 or 3 issues here and they need to be taken separately.

1 is the divorce
2 is the finances
3 is the kids access agreement

In terms of the kids, which is the area I have experience of, I would say the following:

The GOLDEN RULE is that you have to be above reproach.

You are playing the long game. It might not be the perfect result after your first court visit. But do not assume that the first will be the last. (We have been on 5 separate occasions over 8 years - and I know sooner or later there will be another).

The game continues until the kids are old enough to make their own choices. Mine got to choose not to see him anymore or only in a contact centre last year aged 8 & 9. They were awarded their own lawyer and saw the family judge individually with only their lawyer present. (I have no idea how this works in the UK).

Your job is to protect your kids as best you can, which means giving them the tools to see through the FOG that your ex is raining down on them. They need the tools to cope/survive. I would get rid of your daughters email address or block his email address. He doesn't need the power that it affords him.

You do not need to cover up his shittyness. Do not treat your kids as stupid, even the littles. My DDs are more knowledgeable about legal issues than is desirable, and their specialist subject is narcissism, but in all other ways they are 10 and 11 years olds. Our relationship is pretty amazing because I do not hide stuff from them, so they know that I will always tell them the truth.

It would be advisable to find someone qualified to whom your kids can talk. This has been the hardest part for us. We have finally found someone with the correct qualification who the girls like to talk to. Otherwise we are very lucky in that our GP is trained (but not qualified) in CBT, so my DDs see her for double appointments when they feel they need to. It took us a very long time to find a workable solution though.

You should be seeing someone who also helps you have steel balls.

I would think that the best for your children if they must continue to see him would be in an access centre. With his history of violence it would seem utterly reasonable to request this. Is this violence on record anywhere?

Keep a detailed diary of non/contact. Write a time line for the judge, lawyer, barrister etc. Showing contact/events in the most visually effective fashion - eg the non contact following surgery.

Here contact would likely to be awarded on the basis of the real contact. And as a parent this is what you would argue in court. (But again I have no idea if this is the case in the UK).

You have a duty to make your children available for contact every whatever (here it would be every other weekend and half the holidays). The visiting parent does not legally have to take the kids. If after an hour your ex hasn't turned up then that visit is terminated and you can get on with whatever you are doing.

Sorry this is mammoth, but you need to treat the whole thing like a military exercise. Remove yourself from the target range.

Your job is to protect your kids as best you can, which means giving them the tools to see through the FOG that your ex is raining down on them. They need the tools to cope/survive. I would get rid of your daughters email address or block his email address. He doesn't need the power that it affords him.

How do I do this without slagging him off to them?

For instance, DD1 is finding it very hard that we don't have our own house and her own room yet; she loved her room in our old house, and is getting to the age where she likes some privacy.

(currently we are all sharing the one room, although DD2 sleeps in the box room, her stuff is still in our room as well so she hangs out in there with us)

Everytime I buy anything -they will quiz me and ask me how much everything costs. Example - I bough them lunch in Ikea yesterday - super cheap, I can't remember the last time we ate out, and so I thought I would treat them.

DD2 - how much is that meal?
Me - £2.50
DD2 - 'but if we buy that then we can't afford a house'.
Me - we will get a house, don't worry, it will take some time but it will happen, I am working and saving us money, etc.
DD2 - 'well why can't we live in our old house then?'

I do want to equip them to understand what is going on - the FOG is always there for me, and I don't want them to passively accept it.

But what can I say? "Dad has the house, but he doesn't want to sell it and I have asked him for money but he won't give us any?"

I don't want them to feel shit about themselves or when they see him. I don't want to put thoughts in their heads, but am I going about this wrong?

It would be advisable to find someone qualified to whom your kids can talk. This has been the hardest part for us. We have finally found someone with the correct qualification who the girls like to talk to. Otherwise we are very lucky in that our GP is trained (but not qualified) in CBT, so my DDs see her for double appointments when they feel they need to. It took us a very long time to find a workable solution though.

They have a family support worker and a school counsellor in place, but generally don't say much to them. They are happy on a dad to day basis, must get severely messed up when they see him, and then they don't want to talk to anyone.

I have tried GP, CAHMS and then CAF referral which is how we ended up with family support worker. I want someone to be able to just lay it on the line, explain what he is doing and that it is unacceptable and unkind.

But it can't be me saying it, as they then feel like they have to take sides.

DD1 in particular finds it hard when her dad slags me off, and says she feels like she has to protect me.

You should be seeing someone who also helps you have steel balls MN is really, really helping me with this at the moment. I did a course of 21 counselling sessions and am currently looking into more specialist DV help.

A solicitor cannot advise someone to be dishonest / hide assets. It doesn't matter what they think of him or his character. Their overriding duty is to the court.

TBH you tell them the truth in an age appropriate way.

"Daddy hasn't agreed to give me have the house so I can buy us a new one yet?"

"If Daddy says unkind things about me, it's okay to feel sad and cross about it, perhaps telling those things to x (support worker/counsellor) would help you feel better?"

or

"Why do you think we can't live in our old house?"

"Why do you think Daddy has said that about me?" Sometimes letting the DC come to their own conclusions is valuable as it gives them the ability to pitch it at something they can cope with whether it's the truth or not.

When you start asking them what they think and they say that can't happen e.g. all living together again then it's a Powerful thing to give them their dreams "yes it would be lovely if things were different and Daddy hadn't hit me and we could all still be together" - that acknowledges their sad feelings and confirms that what happened was not okay.

"When the old house is sold, we will be able to buy one for us to live in"
"Daddy said he would sell it, but he hasn't yet"

No pejoratives, just facts. You don't know why he hasn't sold it yet (OK you know damn well why but it's just supposition so you don't actually know, so you won't be lying to them when they ask). They will probably ask him themselves then.

I'd tell them something age appropriate like ^^ If he's bad mouthing you anyway they need to hear the truth from you. I don't mean slag him off but if he is saying mummy could come back here with you all and you could have your own house and your own room again but she won't so I'm so lonely here all by myself so I've had to have my friend move in to keep me company......etc etc. Then you need to be giving them the truth - we had to leave because daddy hit me and so we're living with granny for a little while. We'll get our own house when daddy shares the money that he's not given mummy yet , you mustn't keep things that are not yours as you will get into trouble.
KOKO

The house conversation is the biggie at the moment. They don't want the family house to be sold as they love it and grew up in it, so I am always wary of how to respond to that question. But I will use your tips and tell them we have to sell the house and I loved it too, but the next house will be just as lovely.

When he told DDs that he should not have to pick them up and drop them home and mummy should be doing some of it too, DDs came home and told me just that. I said I could pick them up if it made them feel better but it doesn't matter really who drives the 1.5h then I would arrange with dad and the grown ups can decide.

I didn't want to say - I am doing everything for you, and the least he could do is pick you up and drop you off for visits.

The thing is you can't agree to everything just to make them feel better. Some things will hurt and that's just fact....
They haven't grown up in it they are still little. They have a hand in the next step and its something I would be organising when maintenance is sorted. You don't have to have council accomodation and you could start looking. It would help them move forward.