Just need a rant and some support about my abusive ex, and Xmas, and everything

[Namechanger2015]

I am just full of worry, and anxious, and ready to cry, distracted all of the time, and I could really do with some supportive words, or home-truths, whatever it is I need to snap out of this.

There is of course a massive back-story, I left my ExH in January after he strangled/punched me in front of our 3 young children last year. It seems very dramatic and over the top, and a bit Eastenders-like to say that, but it is what it is. I am super middle-class, well educated, nice house, lovely holidays etc, we were married for 9 years, he was very controlling, verbally abusive, and financially abusive too. Physically abusive once many years ago. This was the second time.

I have stepped out of that world and I am now a single parent, the one who people feel like they need to help out, and who is wondering how I got into this situation.

ExH has come out of this all relatively unscathed. He lives in our marital home, and has rental income from other properties, and also from DD2s bedroom, which he has rented out to a lodger.

I am 41, and I live with my parents. My 3 children and I share my childhood bedroom.

I have £300 left in my account till the New Year, I work hard, I don't really earn enough to support us, and haven't yet paid my daughter's nursery bill for this month.

ExH hasn't paid anything towards the DDs, and is also evading/stalling the divorce as best he can, until I finally managed to serve him divorce papers via a private server last weekend. I have been trying since May to serve these.

He sees the children very erratically. This time round he hasn't seen them since the October half term, when DD2 (aged 6) slept on the floor for 5 nights because her bedroom is rented out. The lodger then looked after the DDs whilst ExH went to play football.

He won't make plans to see them, he alludes to possible plans in his once-weekly calls to the kids, but then does not solidify these plans at all. If challenged or questioned by the children, his default answer is 'Well I want to see you every weekend, I am always ready to see you, but you have gymnastics (Saturdays, 12-1pm), and you are always busy so I can't'

DD2 had an op in early Nov, fairly major (general anaesthetic and resulting in life-long implications). He didn't come to see her for the op, and hasn't seen her since then either. He called her before the op, but not after.

When he does see the DDs, he will tell them how his town/city is so much better than where they live now, that mummy doesn't do enough for the children, and is selfish for having left him.

At Xmas time, his work company shuts for 2 weeks over Xmas, so he is off work whether he wants to be or not. It is also his dad's birthday over the Xmas hols and we are fully expected to be there as a family every year. I never once spent Xmas day with my family, and didn't usually see my parents at all over the Xmas hols.

Last week he text me to ask which week of the Xmas hols he is having them.

Considering he hasn't seen them since Oct, when he left them to sleep on the floor and for lodger to watch them, hasn't shown any interest in DD2s operation or recovery (bar a few 'how is she?' texts during the op), and hasn't paid a penny towards their clothes, food, anything, I feel really annoyed about the assumption that I will parent them fully, but then he can have them for half of the hols and I can't enjoy Xmas with them. If I say yes, I have no idea if he will take them back to the marital house (where lodger is), or to his parents house, where he leaves them with his parents and does nothing with them, and they hate going).

When they go see him they come back very upset every single time - to the extent that I ended up taking DD1 to the GP for further support and she was crying every day for a week following a visit to him. She now has a family support worker assigned to her, as well as support at school, as she becomes very emotional, sad and withdrawn after her visits to him. He fills her with emotional blackmail crap, and slags me off to her which she finds difficult to deal with. He also won't let them phone me, and does not pick up the phone if I call to speak to them. Last time I waited 3 days for him to pick up the phone to me.

I have a solicitor who says I am legally within my rights to stop him seeing them at Xmas, based on his past behaviour. I am not stopping him seeing them ever, and I don't ever stop them from speaking to him anytime he calls, eldest also has her own Kindle and he can email them at any time (but he doesn't).

I have explained via the solicitor that I would like 4 weeks notice period, which is reasonable as he usually sees them on average once every 6 weekends, and so I would like notice instead of his usual 1-2 days notice which is really unsettling for the children.

I feel very unreasonable doing this to the children. They say they want to see him, yet when he calls them they say they don't want to speak to him.

This week he has called DD3s nursery saying he would like updates on her progress - this is 9 months after she started going there. He has text me today asking what they want for Xmas - this is very unusual, as he has never got them anything for Xmas ever, and didn't buy them birthday presents this year either.

My gut feeling is that, as he has finally been served with divorce papers, he is finally playing the role of doting dad. So if I stop him seeing them at Xmas he will be worse and will tell his solicitors I am blocking access. Also the children 'want' to see him and then come home upset. The school welfare office also said she doesn't think it's a good idea for the DDs to spend Xmas with him, as they have seen first hand how upset the DDs are on return, and how difficult it is for them to get themselves feeling normal again afterwards.

I have posted about this/my exH behaviour before, so some of this might be familiar. Apologies if so. I keep churning it all around in my head, my friends and family are great, but must be getting sick of me talking about the same thing whenever I see them. Yet however much I say it doesn't seem to help or resolve anything. I am getting obsessive and nasty thinking about it all of the time.

Am I being unfair about Xmas? How can I snap myself out of this massive anxiety?

[wannabestressfree]

Phone on Monday and get the ball rolling.... You can do this :) if anything it shows you mean business and there is no going back. Do it for your girls....

[Namechanger2015]

I just checked emails and as well as asking me what the girls want for Xmas (therefore suggesting he will be seeing them at Christmas) he also emailed DD1 (aged 8) and asked her the same thing. Which then plants in her head the idea that they are meeting at Xmas, which has not been confirmed with me at all. I have archived the message so she won't see it, but wtf should I do when he does this?

I have told him to speak to my solicitor regarding access and solicitor will say he cannot arrange events via girls without confirming with me first, but he still does it. He will want to pressure them into seeing him over Xmas.

I don't think I can stop him calling/speaking to them but if I can reasonably/legally do this and say in court that he is not abiding my solicitor then I think I will have to do this? Is it ok to do this?

Feel very guilty that girls want to speak to their dad and see him over Xmas and they can't. And worry they will remember this when older and hold it against me.

[Namechanger2015]

Phone on Monday and get the ball rolling.... You can do this smile if anything it shows you mean business and there is no going back. Do it for your girls....

Yes, I will speak to barrister on Monday and then also to the CMS I think. I'm ready for this battle I think. It's bullshit not to provide for your own kids. I don't know how he thinks this is ok.

He has even been warned by solicitor to pay up or we will go to CMS so I guess I am now within my rights to get this thing rolling.

Never thought I would be a single mum chasing a shit dad for payment for his children. Everything was so different this time last year - still married and pretending to enjoy it.

[PreemptiveSalvageEngineer]

I remember your previous fred, NC2015, and am still in awe of you. Although I also agree with the wee scolding you've been given here!

Stay strong. Grrr! I totally agree with channelling somebody you admire. Not a lot of not enough female* strong'uns (I do love the River Song choice, esp that bit where she tells the dalek to check his database!) (and I also love Black Widow), but anybody strong can be fun to channel. I tend towards House for cerebral wit, Iron Man for good one-liners (when he leaps on the Jeff Bridges fighting suit, yanks something out and says "this looks important!..." Aaahhh, Perfect), Dr Cox for sheer ridiculous centre-stage bitchiness.

• this is getting increasingly tangential, but a little known fact us that Red in the original Stephen King novella "Rita Hayworth and the Shawshank Redemption" was, indeed, Irish. Being played by Morgan Freemen (and keeping the "maybe it's cos I'm Irish" line") made it more powerful and funny. Now, that can be a metaphor for you...

[TwilightRabbit]

Oh, honey, I could've written this 6 years ago. The other posters are right - you need some control back. He is being very unreasonable - he doesn't seem to be understanding the impact of his behaviour on the kids at all. Sadly, as I've come to realise, you cannot control how someone like your ex behaves, but you can control your emotions and reaction towards it.
YOU are the primary carer, the kids live with YOU. It is up to him to repair the damage he is causing. Set contact that he has to stick to, and something the the kids are happy with, not him.

Oh, and the finances? Make sure that your interest in those houses has been registered with the Land Registry as a matrimonial interest, to stop him selling the houses. Get your Form A issued. MAKE him deal with this - you have to, and so should he. Get the CMS involved - they can do attachment of earnings etc.

It does get better you know. He may always be difficult, but once you have the contact 'sorted' and the finances, you'll feel stronger to tell him where to shove his unreasonable twattiness xxx

[pocketsaviour]

Now you're sounding more like the badass NC we know and love :)

Get that ball rolling for your girls. Do it. Channel some Brienne of Tarth

Regards him emailing them - with them being this young I would recommend they don't have an unsupervised email account anyway. If he sends an email which goes against the requests you have made of him, just don't let it through.

Did you say earlier that he's NEVER bought them a Xmas present before? Or a birthday present? I thought I'd heard it all :(

[wannabestressfree]

I agree I would filter/ block him from email. I understand why you Want to be looking as completely reasonable but the things that have been suggested are. You have immediate issues that need sorting.... Let him feel the squeeze and then maybe be will be more likely to sort himself out court and access wise.

One of my sons has a shit parent. Largely absent. Lack of cards and presents. Asked him twice in 12 Years to help me and he refused (uniform). I realised I was doing my son a disservice and the new csa had the maintenace sorted in a week. He expects us to drop everything and suggests visits with no notice and sometimes I say no.... He only has to give some notice and I would make it work. You have to harden up but that comes with time..... You will get there :)

[Goodbetterbest]

The more you chase him, the more he will resist. He sees it as being about you, not about parenting his children.

Any chance he would go to mediation, or have you tried it?

Leave it to the courts.

Remember to look at pension arrangements as well as child maintenance.

He is a shit dad and that's not going to change. Back away. Forcing it will make him worse.

[Hillfarmer]

Hi OP,

I second registering with the Land Registry your interest in all the properties. Are you on the deeds of any of them?

If your lawyer has not already made you do this - as an absolute, bog-standard starting position - then you need to consider hiring a new lawyer. Registering your interest with the Land Registry is an absolute necessity if there are properties for which you are not on the deeds. He can sell them, but he can also raise a mortgage on them - including your marital home - without your knowledge, that can mean that your home is mortgaged from under you and worthless to you. Don't want to scare you but make sure you have a go at doing this on Monday morning. LR has a website, I'm sure you can do it online asap.

[SwearySwearyQuiteContrary]

You need a new lawyer. If you're married, all property is a marital asset. You have as much right to them and any income from them as your dickhead ex. Your ex can and should be held up to his responsibility as a parent to provide for his children. [1] contact schedule - a reasonable offer in writing which he can choose to engage with or ignore. Stop chasing him, If he ignores it, he ignores it. You cannot make him a good father if he isn't. [2] Maintenence - he needs to pay it. There is no excuse for failing to meet the basic needs of your children; that's child neglect. [3] This is all a strategy to wear you down and bring you back into line because it seems like the easier path. It's not. Indulge him, placate him, don't annoy him - you could spend your life doing this. Rip his bollocks off the plaster off. Draw your line in the sand. You are worth so much more than this pathetic excuse of a man who needs to grind a woman so far down in order to stand upright.

[Namechanger2015]

I tried to register an interest in his properties but the land registry rejected my applications - my name is not on the deeds for them apart from joint marital home.

Really not sure about changing barrister now - esp if another one is not good and I am wasting time/money going over old ground. I'll definitely speak to someone to find out more - I will call Womens aid tomorrow and explore my options.

You are right about ripping the plaster off. I don't even want to give him access every four/six weeks but I will have a think about this. I don't want to deny the kids access - they have a right to see their dad even if he is a shit. But I am considering going for daytime contact only - with specified dates- and no overnight stays considering he left them with his lodger I think that would be reasonable.

I can't tell you how much I am appreciating everyone's support and input.

[Hillfarmer]

Er... other legal people will know better than me but you should go to the Land Registry precisely because your name is not on the deeds. If your name is not on the deeds of a property, you still have an interest or rights regarding that property as they count towards marital assets.

Please clarify the property situation with a decent family solicitor. This is not rocket science, it is basics. Again, another legal brain would be better than me on this... but why are you dealing direct with a barrister? If it is to save money then I think this is a false economy. I don't think barristers normally deal with the bread and butter stuff like the Land Registry, so maybe that has slipped through the net for you. OP, you cannot afford for this to slide through the net...

Can someone else help here? Can the OP improve her position re: properties?

[Jux]

Hi NC!

Absolutely stop asking for confirmation from him. You will do very well without it. State in the schedule that if they're not picked up by x time, you will assume he's not coming. When he doesn't turn up, get on with whatever you'd normally do. I, personally,would go for 10am. That's late enough to be up and breakfasted if he turns up, and early enough to join in other activities when he doesn't. Don't ever tell the kids he's coming.

An hour and a half isn't a long journey for an adult. I have a friend whose ex lives in Brighton. We all live in Devon. EOW, he drives here, stays in a B&B, and stays the w/e so he can be with his dd. After several years of this, it has been rearranged so that he can stay with some friends of hers and so saves him the cost of a B&B. He gives the friends the money instead. He was an awful h. He has become a great dad (and good friend to my friend now, though they'll never get back together).

Your ex is just a shit. Have no compunction. Pull no punches.

[TwilightRabbit]

I'm confused about the LR rejection - the matrimonial rights application is there precisely for those properties that aren't in your name also.
Go and see another lawyer for a second opinion - that way you can hedge your bets until you get some more advice.

Judges don't like men who don't step up to the mark and pay maintenance for the kids - make sure you calculate how much he ought to have paid by now.

contact - you do what works for the kids and you, NOT him. He hasn't exactly covered himself in glory so far - not seeing your DD after an operation? That's disgusting parenting. I think daytime contact with notice sounds good -the kids see him, but for a time span that they can cope with.

[Namechanger2015]

Ok this does not sound right. I applied to land registry after I suggested it to barrister. Barrister didn't seem altogether convinced I would need it.

I applied and it got rejected; he said he would look into it for me.

I am terrified of how expensive solicitors are, but I could probably do with some more advice. I can fill in paperwork for them if needed; have already completed my Form E, and Form A for a financial order which I submitted a while back now.

I will call WA tomorrow.

[Namechanger2015]

Contact - I think will go for 10-4 on a Sunday once a month. With explicit agreement that they are returned to me on time. If he wants more he can ask for it.

[TwilightRabbit]

Solicitors aren't cheap, but you should be able to get some guidance on how much they think the total will be, and they can also take their bill from any equity that you might get, rather than paying as you go. I'm not sure at this stage that you need a barrister as well - usually only for complex cases, or for final hearings. If you're just issuing proceedings now, you shouldn't need one as you're just paying 2 sets of bills then! Any good family solicitor should be able to deal with 'normal' divorce and ancillary relief themselves without recourse to a barrister.

Also check that you're not entitled to Legal Aid. It's not generally available, but there is a caveat for domestic violence. If you even told your GP or school nurse about the abuse, they can write a letter to go with any application.

[wannabestressfree]

Children will be available on the
X
Y
Z
From 10-4. Confirmation needs to be on the Monday of the week or withdrawn.
Don't make it complicated nor issue edicts about if they don't come back on time etc. Be clinical and methodical. If he doesn't reply then don't chase. He will soon get the gist.

[Jux]

Ask about the properties on the legal board here. You ight also get advice there about clawing back the missed payments, if I can dignify his parsimony with that phrase.

[JustMeAndHim]

Hi OP

I'm sorry you are going through this. I just wanted to second what other posters have said, I really think it would be a good idea to get yourself a solicitor and make sure it's one that is well versed in dealing with contentious divorce. If you wanted you could probably keep the same barrister if this is a major concern. A good solicitor should be able to be brought up to speed and advise on all issues inc. property. It doesn't surprise me that your barrister has expressed surprise at his behaviour, in my experience they very rarely have client contact, only when instructed by a solicitor. They are excellent in court which is their playing field but in day to day practice a solicitor will be a lot more experienced in dealing with this kind of behaviour and is likely to take a stronger stance. I do think this is important to allow you to get the best result.

I also wouldn't keep going back and offering him different options. You were abused. It's been a year, he hasn't paid you or stepped up with the DC. I would make a decision about what you want to do now, I.e. Offer him the last weekend of the month (or things suggested above) and do not budge. Again a solicitor should be able to put that across quite strongly for you.

I hope you get the result you deserve

[RandomMess]

KOKO, hugs

[ponygirlcurtis]

10-4 once a month is reasonable, based on how often little he currently sees them. He may not bring them back on time, as a protest. I presume he would need to stay local? So you have the option of collecting them so it's more controlled time-wise. And log every refusal to comply with arrangements. (Of course, you have to get him to agree in the first place!)

[Racmactac]

Ok, this may be long

Barrister - are they family barrister? Generally barristers would not deal with idiots like this until they get to a court hearing. They only have to deal with them for a very short period of time

I'm concerned with the things you are being told. He should have been served with divorce papers long time ago, it's not that difficult, the court should have arranged this or yo could have applied for deemed service.

Issue your application for finances - form a and specify that you need urgent hearing for maintenance pending suit. Write out your income and outgoings,ask for the difference plus bit on top. Attend the hearing and tell the judge what you need.

Have you filled out form mh1 for matrimonial homes notice - it's free, fill it in and send it to land registry. There is no reason for it to be rejected - absolutely none.

Contact - your ex is upsetting them , the children are crying and distraught. This is emotiaonal abuse - would you allow any one else to do this to your children. Tell him he is not having contact at Xmas, give him phone contact at weds at 6pm, if he does t phone on that day then tough. Keep record of everything he does and says.
The court will not criticise you if you have a reason and you do have a reason. All the courts would consider is what's in their best interest going forward. Let the court decide.

Maintenance - you aren't going to get anywhere in respect of child maintenance through the court. Get your claim lodged ASAP, when his income is assessed then apply for variation on grounds that

1. He is receiving dividend from company and this should be considered
   
2. He is the sole shareholder and director of company and therefore all of the money is within his control
   
3. They have worked out liability based on net dividends and it should be gross
   
4. He has an income in the for, of rental income and is not being honest.
   

Also I think you should phone council tax and make sure he is not defrauding them by claiming single person allowance. Also consider reporting him for not filing accurate tax returns - I'm presuming he hasn't declared the additional income

And finally, the man assaulted you - if you are on low income you are entitled to legal aid.

And believe me I know how difficult it is to take back the control but you have to

[wannabestressfree]

Follow Rac's advice to the letter....

[Namechanger2015]

He might call this morning, seeing as he didn't speak to them at all last week. I don't want him to speak to them as he will say he has bought them Xmas presents and pile on the pressure for them to go see him at Xmas.

I will see if he has called my barrister, as it's been 7 days since he received divorce papers and letter about paying maintenance and contacting barrister directly for child contact agreement. I doubt he has, which means he will continue with his whim to have them over Xmas.

I will pick up the call on Tuesday (his usual weekly call) but will protect the kids from his manipulation till he speaks to the barrister and is aware of the terms and conditions of speaking to him.

Have been waking up with anxiety and knots in my stomach every weekday morning dreading his call. It's been going on for months. It needs to stop and I need to feel sane again.