awful situation with dps ex wife

[Mrskeats]

Me and dp live together. I am divorced with two older teens that i share time with my ex h and partner has two children of 17 and 12.

We are very happy and are planning to get married next year. No issues at all in our relationship.

However there are big problems with his ex wife. She has MS and still lives in the old marital home with the children. My dp sees the kids a few times a week, financially supports them completely etc.

The problem is that she only has a slight limp and is very well besides this. She recently had her yearly check up and her condition is stable. The drugs she is on work very well and she is likely to be like this for years.

She doesn't work but refuses to do anything at all in the house so dp pays for a cleaner.When he went there last night there was cat poo all over the kitchen floor and the mess was awful. DP is understandably very upset that his children live in this and will often clean rather than spending time with the children. His daughter of 12 says shes feeling depressed which is obviously also a big concern.

However he (and family members) says she has always been like this (she was only diagnosed a few years ago) throughout their marriage and it has always been like this with him doing absolutely everything. So much so that his dad told me that they feared he would have a breakdown and they were very glad when they parted.

She can go to the gym and has a small voluntary job but refuses to do anything else at all.

My partner has a very responsible job and travels as well so has lots on his plate. I'm very worried about his health and wonder how i can help him?

How about speaking to the cleaner to find out the state of the place before she goes in and maybe upping her hours by 1/2 to an hour a week or splitting her time into 2 sessions a week instead of one?

My friend has MS. She looks outwardly healthy, but she really, really struggles at times. It can vary day by day. I would urge extreme caution in making any assessment of what the ex DP can or can't do. Another thing I've learned through her is that the psychological impact of a major diagnosis like MS can be as devastating as the disease itself. It completely rewrites the person's sense of the future, and it can lead to a massive loss of hope and happiness. My friend is terrified by the idea of what is going to happen to her on a daily basis. This manifests as depression, but it's complicated. She does work, but I think it exhausts her.

It sounds as though the children need to be more in a routine of helping out a bit around the house (I don't mean full on care, just doing a few regular chores). And that the 12 year old needs additional emotional support - I'd be having words with the school and the healthcare system to see what was available.

I'm not sure if you should speak to the cleaner directly. I mean, she is paid by your dp but works for his ex wife. If I was the ex, I wouldn't want somebody who works in my home to be reporting back to my ex h and his dp. Tread carefully there.

I see what you mean LetGo I don't think a general conversation about time management could hurt though.

I'm not going to speak to anyone directly it's not my job

The dds might already be doing for themselves/helping out quite a lot as young carers: I would be wary of demanding they clean better or help more as suggested by some pps.

I don't think your dp should withdraw any support or pressure them to live with you guys.

Seems to me gentle handling of the situation and finding out what the girls want and need is more important than forcing your own solution/judgement on what's happening. They might very well wish to stay with their mother and just need a bit more emotional or practical support.