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Original poster

awful situation with dps ex wife

131 replies

Mrskeats · 10/12/2015 12:07

Me and dp live together. I am divorced with two older teens that i share time with my ex h and partner has two children of 17 and 12.

We are very happy and are planning to get married next year. No issues at all in our relationship.

However there are big problems with his ex wife. She has MS and still lives in the old marital home with the children. My dp sees the kids a few times a week, financially supports them completely etc.

The problem is that she only has a slight limp and is very well besides this. She recently had her yearly check up and her condition is stable. The drugs she is on work very well and she is likely to be like this for years.

She doesn't work but refuses to do anything at all in the house so dp pays for a cleaner.When he went there last night there was cat poo all over the kitchen floor and the mess was awful. DP is understandably very upset that his children live in this and will often clean rather than spending time with the children. His daughter of 12 says shes feeling depressed which is obviously also a big concern.

However he (and family members) says she has always been like this (she was only diagnosed a few years ago) throughout their marriage and it has always been like this with him doing absolutely everything. So much so that his dad told me that they feared he would have a breakdown and they were very glad when they parted.

She can go to the gym and has a small voluntary job but refuses to do anything else at all.

My partner has a very responsible job and travels as well so has lots on his plate. I'm very worried about his health and wonder how i can help him?

OP posts:
Original poster
Mrskeats · 10/12/2015 14:53

She gets some benefits but he pays alimony as she doesn't work and Obvs child maintenance too
Micah I agree this is what has to happen
The house it big anyway and hard to manage

OP posts:
Thurlow · 10/12/2015 14:57

I'm sorry, I don't have any experience in this area so I can't offer any practical advice other than perhaps calling Social Services to see if there is any further help that your DH's ex-wife can access to support her around the house.

But I wanted to post on the off chance you're still reading this because you've had a really hard time on this thread, for no reason that I can see.

It's not that unusual for someone to continue to be involved with their ex's life when they have children together, and well done to your DH for not just walking away and not helping when his ex has a serious illness.

Original poster
Mrskeats · 10/12/2015 14:59

Thank you thirlow
Social services crossed my mind too
Yes I know he could never leave his kids in the lurch
I agree they could come to ours more

OP posts:
manana21 · 10/12/2015 15:00

Nothing here is shouting that you should take on the DDs, or that this is a fair deal for the ex-w, why should she lose her DC because she needs a bit of extra support because she has MS? You need to sit down with your p and talk this through - it's not at all clear it's best for either DD to come and live with you at this point.

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 10/12/2015 15:02

I'm very worried about his health and wonder how i can help him?

you cant to be honest OP, its a messy and complex situation and as the new wife you cant win, so don't even try

Butt out and don't get resentful of the money he pays her, as that will only backfire

For all we know she might have stayed home and cared for the kids when he worked, and held back from a career. Now she cant work, as she has MS

you are NEVER going to have clear and unbiased view so best to back off, focus on your immediate family and support your SD as best you can

I also think you should develop some empathy, the doctors don't diagnose MS willy nilly- sincerely read up on itnd educate yourself

www.mstrust.org.uk/understanding-ms/what-ms/introduction-ms?gclid=Cj0KEQiA4qSzBRCq1-iLhZ6Vsc0BEiQA1qt-ztzaQwqaRDz9Wpc6RQUmk1ZetoNoM8z2lH-W2iZAReUaAiBQ8P8HAQ

SantasLittleMonkeyButler · 10/12/2015 15:02

Is ex-wife aware of her DD's depression and self harming? That does seem to be the most pressing issue and, if her mum isn't doing much to help her, it possibly would be best for her to come & live with you for a while. The change of scenery & atmosphere might really help DSD too.

With regards to Ex herself, if she is happy to have a dirty house then that really is her choice I'm afraid. The 17 year old is perfectly old enough to do their fair share of jobs too.

I would be wary of assuming that Ex feels fine just because she looks fine TBH. A friend of mine has MS and really struggles to function normally some days, even though she would look perfectly fit & healthy to the outside world. Just because her condition is stable, it doesn't mean she doesn't suffer anything at all.

Best of luck with helping your DSD Flowers.

Original poster
Mrskeats · 10/12/2015 15:05

Yes ex is aware she went to doctor with dsd
We will have to see what cams say now o guwss

OP posts:
stopfuckingshoutingatme · 10/12/2015 15:05

I did also want to say (a) I am sure its not easy and (b) you will have got pasted as a SM and (c) the only place I personally thinks its worth expending efforts is on the MH of your SD, poor bean

manana21 · 10/12/2015 15:08

I hope the referral comes through quickly and the DSD can get professional help - it's possible that she's worried about her mum, and removing her from the situation could make it worse - this sort of a decision needs to be taken slowly with input about what the DD feels is the problem when talking with unbiased professionals.

Original poster
Mrskeats · 10/12/2015 15:09

No it's not easy to see your partner in tears and then be told I'm 'whining'
Step mothers are never right are they?

OP posts:
StrawberryTeaLeaf · 10/12/2015 15:11

My dp works in a medical area and goes to appointments so yes we do know

No you don't know. You 'know' what your boyfriend is choosing to tell you, which will be a summary. Unless he is a neurologist and completely unbiased something of a saint the nuance and detail of what he tells his fiance about the mother of his children's serious, permanent medical condition and how you understand it will be subject to emphasis and editing and will be incomplete. Equally there are probably aspects of her condition that she chooses not to discuss in front of her ex. You are all human and none of you are dis-interested bystanders. No medical information will ever emerge unscathed from a game of chinese whispers played by lay people.

It is highly unlikely that a slight limp is literally the only symptom she has experienced in several years.

Regular exercise is a good thing but may be tiring.

It would be much better if you took a step back to a 'support team' role and let your DH deal with all issues concerning his ex and DC. Would YOU like your ex's new fiance blithely discussing your private medical information?

Social services crossed my mind too

No. Just don't. They are big kids. They have a cleaner and a concerned dad. They will manage.

wannaBe · 10/12/2015 15:32

The fact she has ms will impact on her ability to get a job anyway as many employers won't take on someone with a disability or would certainly find ways not to do so.

In all honesty, this arrangement was presumably in place before you two got together in which case it really isn't your business to get involved.

If he is spending the time at her house cleaning then he needs to look at his own parenting as well. If they are leaving cat shit on the floor and waiting for him to arrive so he can clear it up then they're pretty selfish teens who need to get their act together. Both of them are old enough to be responsible for the state of the house.

This situation doesn't scream "let the kids live with you," to me it really doesn't. It screams that both these parents have enabled their children to grow up with no sense of personal responsibility, and that now he has left the family home he is laying all the blame on his ex.

howtorebuild · 10/12/2015 15:36

That happens when a parent has a disability, they don't want their children to become their carers.

howtorebuild · 10/12/2015 15:37

If the exw had the children helping her there would be criticism, you can't win, just do as you think best.

amarmai · 10/12/2015 15:38

if you have seen it ,op, does that mean you went inside the ex's house , or just stretched your neck thru the doors and windows? You reminded me of the OW who used to arrive with my ex in my ex's car to pu our 3 cc -she stretched as far as she cd out the car window trying to see in the door as the cc went out.

Sansoora · 10/12/2015 15:39

He helps her because he is a good man and worries about his children, rightly surely?

Yes. Right. And if you'd posted saying he refused to help with hospital appts, and wasnt looking out for his children and the home they lived in - he'd be getting called all shades of fecker.

Original poster
Mrskeats · 10/12/2015 15:41

Projecting much amar?

OP posts:
wannaBe · 10/12/2015 15:49

The key here is that he is currently in an arrangement with his ex which means he is supporting her financially, pays for her to have a cleaner, and visits his children at her house rather than bring them to yours which means that on occasion he does some of this himself.

That arrangement was presumably already in place before You two got together, so if he no longer feels that he can keep up the arrangement then he needs to discuss that with her. Discussion between you and his family about this situation is completely wrong and should be avoided. Support him in whatever he is doing, but it really isn't your business.

Want2bSupermum · 10/12/2015 15:50

There are two issues here, the first being the DD who need help urgently and the second issue is the home this DD is growing up in.

As a parent I have noticed that my DC do well when home life is stable and consistent. The exW is sick and while she might be stable she is still sick. I think it is admirable your DH has continued to support his exW and his DC and this should not stop. This is their arrangement and if you are not happy with it don't marry the guy.

You need to support your DH getting help for the DD. I can empathize it is frustrating to hear and see this going on but the only thing you can do to change anything is to be supportive of your DP helping the exW and his DC.

WRT cat issue, one of the DC should have cleaned it up. The 17 year old needs to step up and starting responsibility for basic household tasks. I would leave the 12 year old out of this until they have been seen but I would be telling your DP that this issue of not taking responsibility in the home is an issue and should be raised to the specialists his DD is seen by. Let the specialists guide your DP on how to tackle the issue.

ginandjuice · 10/12/2015 15:52

If nobody in the house is able to clean up after the cat it should be rehomed- that's rank! Nothing worse than a house covered in animal shit, no one should be living like that and thinking it is normal.
Op I totally get where you are coming from, I agree with you, if the ex w is managing to volunteer etc then sure can do some basic cleaning.
Don't let your Dh do more than he
Should be doing though, or she will come to expect it for ever.

wannaBe · 10/12/2015 15:56

But we don't really know the situation with the cat do we? For all we know she might just have shat on the floor at the time the dp arrived to see the kids. I can't imagine anyone living in a house full of cat shit, the smell is unavoidable for a start.

howtorebuild · 10/12/2015 15:57

You do know even people claiming ESA in the support group can go to the gym and volunteer and still be considered too disabled to work or do anything towards finding work?

Original poster
Mrskeats · 10/12/2015 15:58

Thank you gin and want
He said the smell hit him at the door when he was collecting dd which is why he went in

OP posts:
DeoGratias · 10/12/2015 16:10

I don't like the feel of any of this at all. If there is a cleaner a bit of cat poo is not an issue. The oldest child is 17. they can clean it up.

Calling in social services is probably the thing most likely to hurt these children and their mother most. What they probably need is more time alone with their father with no one else there and perhaps he could go in and do a bit of cleaning which would not kill him, would it?

Surely if you get with a man like this is means if you get sick he moves on to a younger model? Is that what happened and won't it happen to you?

Morganly · 10/12/2015 16:12

That link about MS was really interesting, particularly the page about fatigue (key word link from the first page) which seems to exactly explain what is going on. Read it OP, then get your partner and the oldest girl to read it too (not the youngest at the moment, as she's clearly struggling herself).

It does sound like she needs more support at home. An easier to cope with home may well be a good move for her but I don't think you can suggest this as it will sound as if you are trying to force her out of her home. It would be better coming from professionals and she may well resist for a while but gradually come round to the idea if her condition worsens.

The issue of the children moving is also very sensitive. She may feel that you are trying to take her children from her. So again, I don't think you should suggest this. Your partner could perhaps ask her if it would help her if the children spent more time at your house but be prepared to be diplomatic if she is hurt by the suggestion.

Seeking support for the youngest girl may well be the way into good advice and support for all of you as I think you are all caught up in a situation that everyone is struggling with. No one should take sole blame for any of this, it is just a bad situation that you have all found yourselves in and now you need some professional support to improve it.

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