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Original poster

awful situation with dps ex wife

131 replies

Mrskeats · 10/12/2015 12:07

Me and dp live together. I am divorced with two older teens that i share time with my ex h and partner has two children of 17 and 12.

We are very happy and are planning to get married next year. No issues at all in our relationship.

However there are big problems with his ex wife. She has MS and still lives in the old marital home with the children. My dp sees the kids a few times a week, financially supports them completely etc.

The problem is that she only has a slight limp and is very well besides this. She recently had her yearly check up and her condition is stable. The drugs she is on work very well and she is likely to be like this for years.

She doesn't work but refuses to do anything at all in the house so dp pays for a cleaner.When he went there last night there was cat poo all over the kitchen floor and the mess was awful. DP is understandably very upset that his children live in this and will often clean rather than spending time with the children. His daughter of 12 says shes feeling depressed which is obviously also a big concern.

However he (and family members) says she has always been like this (she was only diagnosed a few years ago) throughout their marriage and it has always been like this with him doing absolutely everything. So much so that his dad told me that they feared he would have a breakdown and they were very glad when they parted.

She can go to the gym and has a small voluntary job but refuses to do anything else at all.

My partner has a very responsible job and travels as well so has lots on his plate. I'm very worried about his health and wonder how i can help him?

OP posts:
Original poster
Mrskeats · 10/12/2015 16:22

I'm not calling anyone
We wondered if she needs more support that's all
That's not what happened

OP posts:
Original poster
Mrskeats · 10/12/2015 16:23

They are waiting for cams
Probably be tomorrow

OP posts:
sminkypink · 10/12/2015 16:25

My MIL had MS (she died years ago). She too had only a 'slight limp', but in truth MS can mean you have little energy for much at all. She may look normal and not ill to you but you won't see how the illness affects her unless you are with her 24/7 My MIL had about a couple of hours of useable energy a day, once that was used up, she had to rest. So cleaning was out of the question as was working.
The best way to explain this is the spoon theory.
livingdaytodaywithmultiplesclerosis.blogspot.co.uk/2011/09/spoon-theory.html
And depression is very common with MS. Isn't being houseproud/clean one of the things that might go out the window with that? My MIL certainly suffered with depression and was a compulsive hoarder, despite having a cleaner the house was a disaster zone. My FIL obviously massively struggled with it. I know that some men don't cope with a partners serious illness to the point that it destroys the relationship. My FIL used to pretend it wasn't happening and wouldn't even go into the hospital with my MIL. When she was on her death bed at home, he wouldn't even go into the room to see her. He had tried to keep her in hospital even though she hated it and wanted to come home. It was like a blind spot to him. I don't want to pass judgement on this relationship that you all have with each other, but I think to share my experience of what I've seen in my own family and for you to try and understand something about her condition.
Good luck as it's not easy, this stuff, for anyone involved in it. My partner suffered horribly over it.

PhoenixReisling · 10/12/2015 16:25

Has the exW got any family (siblings) could your DP speak to them and say she needs more support?

I agree the 17 year old should have picked it up. He may need to speak to his eldest child and put together a list of chores to do. I will however say, if they cannot care properly for the animal then maybe it needs to be re-homed. I will also say it is very difficult being a young carer and his daughters obviously need more support themselves.

Original poster
Mrskeats · 10/12/2015 16:31

Well the kitten is a bit of a sore point
It's new and my partner not sure it was a good idea having something else to look after
I'm not sure it's well so vets I think

OP posts:
Original poster
Mrskeats · 10/12/2015 16:32

Yes she has local family so they may need to help

OP posts:
howtorebuild · 10/12/2015 16:35

Don't forget even disabled exwives like autonomy, just like you do.

ricketytickety · 10/12/2015 16:36

I don't see why ss would be a bad thing - they need support if the dcs want to stay with mum. Surely ss would help the family. Maybe she needs more help around the house than you realise, but hasn't asked the girls to help her with it. She might not want to put them in the position of being a young carer. Your dh and his ex need to sit down and have a chat about the girls and how he can help them whether they choose to stay with her or if they choose to come to you. Encourage him to ask his ex what help she needs from him.

iPaid · 10/12/2015 16:38

So you've got her husband, now you want her kids too and have her out of her home as well?

Lovely.

Cleensheetsandbedding · 10/12/2015 16:38

Hi op tbere are some really harsh replies here that are totally unfounded. If she is well enough to go gym she is well enough to pick cat shit up.

It sounds horrible for the dds. Id be looking at doing what micah said up thread. Somthing has to change its really not fair on your dp or the kids. It sounds really unhealthy. No wonder the dd is depressed. Children expected to put up with adult problems with no real outside help

ItsBeginningToLookALotLikeXmas · 10/12/2015 16:39

Wow, there are some mean people on this thread! Although as soon as I read the OP, I suspected how it might go, new wives/step mothers will never be right.

It seems like the OP's husband is doing his best - he is trying to help out the mother of his children so that his kids have a reasonable place to live, but he's damned if he does ('he's overly involved') and damned if he doesn't ('he should be doing everything he can to help her').

Of course MS is a debilitating illness, no one is disputing that. But from what the OP is saying, she was like this long before she was diagnosed. I know someone who is in a wheelchair and he does absolutely nothing in his house, his mother has to go round twice a week to clean, tidy, wash everything etc. From an outsiders point of view you might say, well if he's in a wheelchair, he can't exactly whizz round with the hoover (true) but I have known this person his whole life and trust me he lived exactly the same way before he had his accident. I appreciate there are a lot of things he can't do, but I'm sure he could manage to put his rubbish in the bin, his plates in the sink etc. But he knows someone else will do it for him, and frankly, I think he likes having someone do things for him.

The point is, if the ex can physically get herself to the gym (regardless of the reason) or to her voluntary job (regardless of how often), she could probably clear up the cat mess.

I probably sound mean now, but having seen this from the side of the person who is being taken advantage of, it hard to be totally sympathetic when people won't even do a tiny thing to help themselves (and I'm not suggesting she should be dancing around with a feather duster or anything like that. Maybe just at least pick up the cat shit).

SirChenjin · 10/12/2015 16:43

Beginning - totally and absolutely agree with you.

Elendon · 10/12/2015 16:43

Perhaps the two daughters and their mum need the respite which is why I suggested that you take the daughters for more time. There should be no discussion about taking the daughters into full care by you and partner and then selling up the house at this stage. These changes have to happen by degrees. However long it takes.

Family life can be messy at times. It's how it's dealt with is the key.

manana21 · 10/12/2015 16:45

but the cat poo incident happened once. The tone of the Op is that this ex-w is a lazy malingerer and Op wants to take her DC away from her, stop her ex-H helping the ex-w, and get the ex-w out of her home based on not much evidence. The DSD needs help but she's not had any help yet so it's not clear what the issues are there.

Fannyupcrutch · 10/12/2015 16:46

I am a little pissed by all the people that say that as this woman is volunteering she should be able to do housework. MS is a chronic long term illness and it could well be that her last remaining scrap of self preservation is tied up in that volunteer role. Maybe that role is all that she has that is hers. Not everybody loves being a stay at home mum, never mind being forced into the role by a body that has failed you and is in a constant agonising state of exhaustion. So if she has one battery cell full of energy per day compared to other peoples 15 battery cells, is she going to use it on doing something that helps to maintain her sanity and allows her to mix with other adults or is she going to use it to clear up a pile of turd that one of the other 2 people (who likely wanted a pet in the first place) in the house can do?

OP, your OH should be applauded for continuing to support her and you for allowing it and being concerned with how you can help him. A lot of women would insist on it being stopped. I think he needs to bring the children to his house for visits so that they have a clear "dad" time and he isn't forced into cleaning up the house. Maybe suggest that he helps her with her budgeting so that the cleaner money can be added too and reused for a personal support assistant. If she has a personal assistant for 3 hours a day every other day then it would help with house work, shopping, personal stuff etc. tell the kids that in order for them to get their pocket money they need to have done their chores and then give them a list. The elder child should be starting driving lessons and if your OH can buy her a run arround then it will also help the kids independence and help with getting to your home to see their dad AND reduce pressure on your OH to attend the house so often.

howtorebuild · 10/12/2015 16:50

I probably sound mean now agreed
Maybe just at least pick up the cat shit Maybe she used up her last bit of energy doing something else some disablist jusgy person thought she could at least just do.

toastyarmadillo · 10/12/2015 16:50

I would contact ss!

Cleensheetsandbedding · 10/12/2015 16:55

how the ex needs professional help. That should really fall to her ex husband.

mana it's really strange how two posters can get two different 'tones' of posts, because I didn't read it like that at all.

It's not right to let an ill woman and kids sit amongst shit just for the sake of keeping the status quo.

Cleensheetsandbedding · 10/12/2015 16:56

*shouldnt fall to her exhusband

Shutthatdoor · 10/12/2015 16:57

So you've got her husband, now you want her kids too and have her out of her home as well?

Lovely.

Uncalled for and quite nasty

Nottodaythankyouorever · 10/12/2015 16:58

mana it's really strange how two posters can get two different 'tones' of posts, because I didn't read it like that at all.

Neither did I

StrawberryTeaLeaf · 10/12/2015 17:02

Step mothers are never right are they?

I suspected how it might go, new wives/step mothers will never be right.

Err, we're right when we're right, we're wrong when we're wrong just like everyone else.

Overstepping the mark into other people's private lives is never a good idea. The trick to happy step-families is to worry about the people you have direct dealings with and let other people deal with the people that they have direct dealings with.

In other words OP can support DSD (lovely of her) but dealing with EXW best left to DP.

LetGoOrBeDragged · 10/12/2015 17:06

If the girls wanted the kitten, then I think it is reasonable to expect them to look after it.

I think that once upon a time your dp loved this woman enough to marry her and have dc. Now, if the decision to end the relationship was his, then I don't think it is fair to just leave her to get on with things - she is ill. It reflects well on him that he is helping to look after her. It's what a good dad does. I also think that level of involvement also depends on what their agreement was, re money and working when they were together. If she was a sahm and helped support his career, then yes, I do think he owes her, divorced or not. If that wasn't the case then he owes her less, but still has to act in the best interests of his dc.

It's too early at this stage to say what the root of the dd's issues are. He should be present at all medical meetings affecting her and plan for her future when you know more about why she is so unhappy.

On a practical note, could the cleaner visit twice a week and exwife pay for one of those visits. Or the dds agree to take responsibility for the kitten?

Joysmum · 10/12/2015 17:08

I guess only OP's DP will best know whether she was lazy before she got MS or not.

I know a couple of people who are now disabled but who were lazy before. Not a PC thing to say but true, even though you could never say so in reality.

Marilynsbigsister · 10/12/2015 17:15

OP have you not read the basic rules of MN . ? 1. All first wives are completely fautless in every way. 2. All ex husbands are evil personified. 3. All second wives/ girlfriends are interfering judgmental bitches who have to 'wind their necks in ' and 'mind their own business' even if the 'business' directly affects their household/finances. 4. Any comments about first wife by second wife to be met with scorn and derision. 5. The solution to all troubles involving children of first marriage is for the second wife to move to the other end of the country in order for Dc s. to enjoy some uninterrupted bonding time with their df.
Remember this before you post and you will get no surprises.

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